A guy hurting from love and also proof being nice can't be right

[thedol]

Hey people, new here - a friend told me about this place so I thought...I'll hit it up because I've really hit a brick wall!

Ok well being my first post here I don't want to drag it out and get full on into what is going on but I'll be brief.

I am a 24 year old guy in London. I'm your typical guy - into the gym, into girls, sports. Without sounding ****y I consider myself pretty good looking and physically fit.

Now in the last 3 months I've been hanging out a lot with a girl who I have fallen pretty bad for. We work in the same office. I like her alot, we havn't done anything but on a personal level I think we have grown pretty close, talking at random times in the night so. Because I like her, anytime we have been to a pub or she has been drunk I have never "macked" on her but always been the type to care for her, take her home etc...because I really like her.

One big problem - she is in a relationship of 4 years and there is no problem in that relationship. I like this girl alot but I guess I like her more than she likes me.

We went out for dinner the other night to discuss these things and she really wants to be friends. I said it's hard but I will be friends but I will always hope for something and she said...She can't say that right now but she really wants to know me more.

So long story cut short - I like a girl who doesn't like me. It's the first time for me like this, I can get over girls easily and I've had a few g/f's but no one that I have been interested in so much. This girl I am.

Now I am thinking about moving to USA for a change of scene and job...for experience and ****.

I don't know what I am even asking in this post - I guess someone is going to say - Meet more girls, meet someone else...like I said, I'm finding it hard to be interested in another because this girl is on my mind alot.

So...What do I do?

I guess I have been really nice in all ways to this girl and it confirms the point that nice guys finish last and an article I just found that says girls don't find nice guys attractive

http://www.sosuave.com/romance/david/art152.htm?forum

P.s I have seen her b/f, he is a total geek also! Everyone says it to me...I'm not being ****y. I need to get over it but it's hard - this whole thing.

 

[Interceptor]

Nice guys are the term we give to guys who are embarassed of their sexuality, and not particularly masculine.

If a man is not exhibiting sexuality, confidence and masculinity, then there are serious issues that need to be dealt with.

Being 'nice' is not the problem.
It is not the underlying issue.

Most men who are FAKE 'nice' are embarassed, ashamed , feel guilt, and lack the masculinity and confidence to be truly comfortable with themselves and masculinity.


Remember, a man who exhibits those traits can get away with buying a woman flowers very early on, whereas, a guy who does not , is seen as insecure, needy, and seeking approval.
Guys who give flowers when they lack certain qualities are usually trying to manipulate the situation in their favor, since they feel the need to give the woman something in order to make up for his inadequacy.

Dont blame a gesture, or action. Find the ROOT of the problem.
Most guys look for quick fixes, and tips and tricks.
This is akin to wanting a Band Aid for a massive, gaping head wound.
It is typical of most men who lack the ability to truly find solutions to CORE problems. Most guys dont want to dig deep. Theyre either too lazy, and/or apathetic.

A man who has plenty of self love wont be that 'hurt' from lack of love.
Its the truth.
And a man who is confident and masculine, cannot be 'hurt' by doing a kind and romantic gesture.


Look at the deeper issues here.

 

[demonic]

I've been there my friend, an the only advice i can give you is to "bite the bullet" and move on...their is'nt much else you can do.

Holding onto something that may or may not happen is just gonna screw you up mate.

 

[Igetit!]

I think the best thing to do would be to just leave her alone. I know that's easier said than done,but the more time you spend with her,the harder it will be. Plus,the more time you hang out with her,the greater your chances of falling into the friendzone.So even if she were to become available,by you constant spending time with her or contacting her,she'd see you as more of a friend than a love interest. Just back off. Have other things in your life to keep you busy and occupy your time. Now be prepared,because if you do this,she'll probably start to contact you more often.But it's not because she likes you,it's because she'll miss the attention,so if that happens,don't be fooled thinking that you have a chance with her. Just simply go on with your life.

 

[thedol]

I know Dons...I realized that now, I totally went about it the wrong way and it's taken a chunk out of me. Today for the first time I'm actually like seeing everything I've done in the last weeks and saying to myself - Oh god

So how do I change? What do I do to like just start afresh and put this thing behind me?

 

[thedol]

Whats LFBF by the way

 

[Alle_Gory]

So you're in love with her....

What has she done for you lately?

 

[tsmith2334]

Nice guys are the term we give to guys who are embarassed of their sexuality, and not particularly masculine.

If a man is not exhibiting sexuality, confidence and masculinity, then there are serious issues that need to be dealt with.

Being 'nice' is not the problem.
It is not the underlying issue.

Bingo. That's 100% true. You can actually fare pretty well for yourself even if you are a nice, humble guy.

I know first hand that there are some girls that inherently want a man to treat them badly (despite always denying it). However, those aren't women you'd want to date in the long term anyway... trust me.

Mature women with good heads on their shoulders ultimately yearn for a man that is sexy, confident, smart, nice, AND down to earth.

The truth is, few men have all these traits. The ones who find success with women usually are confident, ****y, etc. but don't care about being nice. Those are the "a-holes" everyone complains about and the boyfriends that turn into ex's.

The men that are the nice, friendly, likable guys who also command respect and know how to turn a women on are the true catch. They are typically the men that women ultimately end up marrying and bragging about to their girlfriends.

Getting to that level requires confidence (making it a catch-22), but it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

[DonJuan11]

You have answered you own question. Meet more girls and meet someone else. If you had a girl who would sleep with you tomorrow you would most likely forget this girl in 2 seconds.

It doesn't matter her bf is a total geek. He could be the biggest loser in the world, but he's making her feel something that you are not. He's getting to her feelings and you are trying to win her over with logic. "I like you, so logically I hope you like me back." Too many guys try to win girls over similar to a business transaction (he drives her home, buys her lunch, talk about everything, expects her to fall in love with him) It doesn't work that way with girls. You have to get to her FEELINGS, her EMOTIONS, then she'll come running after you without you even trying.

 

[thedol]

My question is - how does one connect to these feelings...how do you be or approach a girl and immediately be different by connecting with feelings or emotions

 

[Alle_Gory]

My question is - how does one connect to these feelings...how do you be or approach a girl and immediately be different by connecting with feelings or emotions

This is kind of a vague answer but...

You'll be different by not worrying so much about being different.

 

[thedol]

So what your saying is be yourself...

I understand that because when being yourself you are unique as everyone is different and instead of thinking of what others want or think we should think what we want and what we want to say ... I'm still learning that and will be applying that concept starting from today but...connecting with someone's feelings and emotions is a pretty high step so my question is, how does one build up to that...to play or get into a girls feelings or emotions

 

[Alle_Gory]

how does one build up to that...to play or get into a girls feelings or emotions

Don't know. It just kind of happens.

Try do do things with her. The emotions will be triggered. It also helps to tease and apply kino.

 

[Igetit!]

Hey man, that advice about stimulating her emotions and feelings is "bang on".
To be honest,this is the ONLY thing that will cause a woman to want to date you. Everything else you do apart from this is a waste of time. If you don't create chemistry/stimulate her feelings,nothing else you do,(and I mean NOTHING),will matter. You can be the nicest,the sweetest,the most honest,the most caring,have a big house,drive a nice car,you can do all of these things,but unless she "feels" something from you,it's ALL useless.
You have to generate chemistry in a woman. How do you do that? Simple,be a man. That's it. The more manly/masculine you are with her,the more feminine she feels. Here is something you can do:

Be decisive:One of the worst things you can do in the presence of a woman is to repeatedly say,"I don't know" or "I don't know,what do you want to do?" or "Whatever you want to do is fine with me". Be a man,make a decision yourself. Just remember that the more of a man you are,the more of a woman she will feel.

 

[thedol]

Thanks for the tip IGETIT...things are starting to make sense.

The saying is there are lots of fish in the pool, I'm unhappy to have maybe missed out on this one I was chasing for 3 months but I did everything an AFC would and maybe more so I know I have to like "waken" up and improve myself and anaylse myself.

This forum is helping alot...in just 2 days

 

[Interceptor]

One of the KEY traits in AFCs is they are constantly thinking: "How can this be better??!"
They are always on the verge of anxiety and mild paranoia.
They are never 'good enough'. Their interaction is never good enough. It always has to be better.
They NEED to have the PERFECT thing to say. (She HAS to show extreme sexual attraction and emotional investment from the get go, and jump his bones for him to feel good about himself finally. And it takes time, introspection, and realignment to your masculinity, and become of a certain Status for women to simply trust and let go and be with you like that. It is not common. )

They arent 'good enough' so they have to present something OTHER than themselves to a woman.
Since they have such low self esteem, they ALWAYS look at a woman in a self effacing manner, and look for her approval.

Most guys ARE 'good enough'.

They just WORRY wayyy too much about being accpeted by her and getting her APPROVAL.
And it just doesnt work that way.

Men need to learn how to recognize their VALUE, their 'intrinsic' and 'inherent' VALUE.
And be cool with that.
That's the secret. It really is.

When a man feels inadequate he looks for 'things' to present to the world as PROOF.
ie "I have a gold Rolex. Therefore, I am the Mac Pimp Daddy!!!"
or a fancy, new car, lots of money, social connections.
Yet, at the end of the day, they are all meaningless if the guy goes home alone every night, and hates himself, and is not satisfied with all the material possessions. And only gold digging females will approach him, since he flaunts and uses his wealth to impress others. What he's doing is reinforcing the notion that HE, alone, by himself, has NOTHING to OFFER the world, much less to a woman. Thus, he feels the NEED to accumulate more and more material things to impress others of his worth.
Am I condemning having material success and wealth? Hell no! Are you crazy?
But these guys are NOT satisfied and grateful for their lifestyle, so they are always BEHIND, unhappy, unfulfilled, and empty inside. They try to HIDE it. But they are LONELY. YOu can see it a mile away. I dont care how many tatoos, and all sorts of external things these guys use to cover up their insecurity, and low self esteem, but they are not who they portray themselves to be. And it is sad, man. It is sad.
They are following the external society driven status and value measurements. Which we will never master.
It simply DOES NOT WORK.
Us, living, breathing, red blooded, sexual, and emotional human beings do not respond according to this fake delusional, and totally spiritually disconnected Bullsh*t that the media tries to force feed you on.
You are battling decades of social conditioning and PROGRAMMING.
THAT'S why you cant see yourself in certain lights. Because you have ACCEPTED what society deems your worth and potential and capability to BE!

Same thing with the guys who portray the fake Alpha.
All the bravado and machismo is repulsive to the classy, self respecting, high self esteem woman. She may be attracted, but she will realize how fake and insecure you are, and you wont gain her trust.
Most of us WANT that classy babe, the one who is respectful and truly giving and loving.
Yet we will repulse her with that fake image.

Yes, women want us to be the "Alpha", but in the right contexts.
She doesnt want you to dominate everyone and everything, she just wants you to be assertive, and protective of yourself and her. Dont let yourself be walked all over. Dont be submissive and passive. Those things are not all that hard to be and do. Most men can EASILY be that guy, without having to put on this false bravado crap.
Women eventually smell and see through the curtains and smoke and mirrors.
Then you'll see her start to test you savagely, and lose her respect more and more. If you love this woman you will lose her. if you dont, then you're just an unfeeling cynic.
Dont be that guy.

Be naturally dominant, in an easy, self assured, and calm manner.
THAT is charming. Because it shows her that you are cool with who you are, and the people around you.

Be dominant, not domineering.
Be assertive, not aggressive.
Be self controlled, not controlling.


Exhibit confidence by letting go, and avoid insecurity that seeks to hold on toooo tightly.....

Finally, understand that one of the core traits that women need to feel relaxed and safe with you, is that you allow women to simply BE women.
Love women, and they will feel your non judgemental nature. Be comfortable around women, and they can finally relax around you, a good man. A cool guy.