A few of questions on nervousness, etc.

[falcons22]

I need some help... this has been really bugging me. So, I'm shy, I want to be more confident in myself and get some more dates and perhaps have a gf this upcoming year so I can go to prom, etc. because now's my final chance.

Basically I want to start off talking about my nervousness during a date, gathering, whatever. I'm so nervous that I don't think I really make a good impression with some people I'm sure. I'm not talking just girls, but with people in general. I want to break out of this funk I'm in because I know I can do better, and that I definitely should be more confident - I''m tall and pretty smart and make good grades... ya know, I should probably be proud of myself, right?

Well, I'm not. I'm not a bad talker but I absolutely freeze up when it comes to some social situations like parties and dates. I get nervous as hell and I'm scared to make some simple movements because I'm so nervous because I'll start shaking (no kidding, and if I could help it, I most certainly would) and showing I'm nervous, which I'd rather not do...

But, I'm wondering if I should just not be pretentious and go ahead and tell people I'm nervous. Like, I went to eat with a girl I know yesterday and was nervous as can be. So nervous that I didn't really even eat much of my lunch and probably put out body language that says, "I'm nervous." I mean, I don't want to come across as self-pitying but instead to come across as comical (and ironically slightly confident) about telling other people I'm nervous. I mean, what do I have to lose?

This idea really wasn't spurred by ignorance, but it does show my ignorance. What really got me to asking this was reading Larry King's book about how to be better at conversing with other people. He said that it's best to be open people, that they'll like you and be more interested in you if you're honest. A couple of examples he pointed out were his moments entering broadcasting, like his first radio broadcast. He was nervous and told his audience so, and the rest of his broadcast went fine because he was up-front about himself and he made some comedy out of it and it eased his nerves. Now, like I said, I don't want to seem like I'm pitying myself when I do it, but if I be funny about it, is it still a no-no when going on a date or meeting girls I haven't met before? I mean, does it somewhat exude an appearance of (ironically) a little bit of confidence and security when said the right way?

I was thinking about testing it out on that girl I had lunch with yesterday... mainly because I doubt I have a chance with her now... I'm pretty sure I'm in the friend zone because I've been out with her two times and both times I've been incredibly nervous and haven't at least tried kissing her at the end. But I'm sure I'd still be nervous around her, as with most girls. But, like Larry King, maybe this would sort of rid me of a little bit of shyness and nervousness I'm experiencing and help me out later? Just wanting to know your opinion.
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Another thing I want to ask about is just meeting girls in the first place right now. I tried asking my friends if they wanted to go to a mall to try to meet some girls and get some #'s but they're not the kind that actually want to meet girls in the first place. Not because they're gay, but they're shy also and don't seem that interested in meeting girls; they would rather play video games. They seem like me just about three months ago - they say they're "not interested" in things like prom and girls but I can't believe that's the reason. It's because they don't have the balls to ask a girl out, in my honest opinion.

But I don't want to go on this mission (ok, I guess that's a little dramatic) alone. I want to have a good time first and foremost. I also want someone else there to ease my nerves, so that if I mess up or do something stupid, I'm not going to wallow in dread and embarrassment. I feel that if I have one or more of my friends there, I can shake my mistakes off quickly and I'll feel a little bit more... anonymous, maybe seem not desperate if I'm having a good time with my friends, if that makes sense. So, basically, would it be ideal to go with friends or just do this thing alone?

I also wanted to know, if I go to the mall, where are the best, least intimidating stores/places to walk up to one and start a convo? Should I maybe just start convo's with normal, random people just to ease my nerves and gain a little bit of confidence first? I have a terrible time with overthinking things.

Anyways, I think I'm done. Any other advice would be appreciated. I'm tired of being a desperate AFC.

 

[Fly-err]

I need some help... this has been really bugging me. So, I'm shy, I want to be more confident in myself and get some more dates and perhaps have a gf this upcoming year so I can go to prom, etc. because now's my final chance.

Basically I want to start off talking about my nervousness during a date, gathering, whatever. I'm so nervous that I don't think I really make a good impression with some people I'm sure. I'm not talking just girls, but with people in general. I want to break out of this funk I'm in because I know I can do better, and that I definitely should be more confident - I''m tall and pretty smart and make good grades... ya know, I should probably be proud of myself, right?

Well, I'm not. I'm not a bad talker but I absolutely freeze up when it comes to some social situations like parties and dates. I get nervous as hell and I'm scared to make some simple movements because I'm so nervous because I'll start shaking (no kidding, and if I could help it, I most certainly would) and showing I'm nervous, which I'd rather not do...

Nervous enough to start shaking, I thought that was only in movies. Right now, I already just think you're too insecure about yourself in any social environment. Just don't give a **** about what people think and be more casual. To begin with, I could suggest just going with the flow but that's something you will need to grow from. Be more confident in yourself instead of thinking about what the person next to you has to say.

But, I'm wondering if I should just not be pretentious and go ahead and tell people I'm nervous. Like, I went to eat with a girl I know yesterday and was nervous as can be. So nervous that I didn't really even eat much of my lunch and probably put out body language that says, "I'm nervous." I mean, I don't want to come across as self-pitying but instead to come across as comical (and ironically slightly confident) about telling other people I'm nervous. I mean, what do I have to lose?

Yeah the only way to pull that off is if you show some confidence along with it. Saying you're nervous and continue acting nervous will just tell the girl you're too much of a ***** to do anything with her. If you want to start/maintain that relationship, have the courage to do what other guys won't do. Right now, your nervousness is just restricting you into becoming one of those other guys.

This idea really wasn't spurred by ignorance, but it does show my ignorance. What really got me to asking this was reading Larry King's book about how to be better at conversing with other people. He said that it's best to be open people, that they'll like you and be more interested in you if you're honest. A couple of examples he pointed out were his moments entering broadcasting, like his first radio broadcast. He was nervous and told his audience so, and the rest of his broadcast went fine because he was up-front about himself and he made some comedy out of it and it eased his nerves. Now, like I said, I don't want to seem like I'm pitying myself when I do it, but if I be funny about it, is it still a no-no when going on a date or meeting girls I haven't met before? I mean, does it somewhat exude an appearance of (ironically) a little bit of confidence and security when said the right way?

He's on national television, he has to be confident. Telling everyone that he's nervous just takes one burden off his shoulder and gives him more room to make mistakes and be funny with the audience.

I was thinking about testing it out on that girl I had lunch with yesterday... mainly because I doubt I have a chance with her now... I'm pretty sure I'm in the friend zone because I've been out with her two times and both times I've been incredibly nervous and haven't at least tried kissing her at the end. But I'm sure I'd still be nervous around her, as with most girls. But, like Larry King, maybe this would sort of rid me of a little bit of shyness and nervousness I'm experiencing and help me out later? Just wanting to know your opinion.

Be confident.

----------
Another thing I want to ask about is just meeting girls in the first place right now. I tried asking my friends if they wanted to go to a mall to try to meet some girls and get some #'s but they're not the kind that actually want to meet girls in the first place. Not because they're gay, but they're shy also and don't seem that interested in meeting girls; they would rather play video games. They seem like me just about three months ago - they say they're "not interested" in things like prom and girls but I can't believe that's the reason. It's because they don't have the balls to ask a girl out, in my honest opinion.

Most likely. Try talking to other guys at parties I guess.

But I don't want to go on this mission (ok, I guess that's a little dramatic) alone. I want to have a good time first and foremost. I also want someone else there to ease my nerves, so that if I mess up or do something stupid, I'm not going to wallow in dread and embarrassment. I feel that if I have one or more of my friends there, I can shake my mistakes off quickly and I'll feel a little bit more... anonymous, maybe seem not desperate if I'm having a good time with my friends, if that makes sense. So, basically, would it be ideal to go with friends or just do this thing alone?

In my opinion, I find going with one other guy is better. Gives you more room to show more of yourself around the girl if the other guy is cool with it.

I also wanted to know, if I go to the mall, where are the best, least intimidating stores/places to walk up to one and start a convo? Should I maybe just start convo's with normal, random people just to ease my nerves and gain a little bit of confidence first? I have a terrible time with overthinking things.

My suggestion is asking a girl her opinion on clothes or saying something about what she might be trying on/looking at. Any store works. To gain some confidence in these situations, talk to any of your friends who may be girls and get comfortable with them. That's a start.

Anyways, I think I'm done. Any other advice would be appreciated. I'm tired of being a desperate AFC.

Basically, be confident in yourself and stop caring about what she thinks. Make sure you look clean and have good hygiene just to make yourself presentable.

 

[TheEnergizer]

i almost tldr'd this topic (which i guess is a bit hypocritical of me, seeing as i tend to write a lot usually) until i read the 4th paragraph. that got me interested because i had a similar bout of openness a while back (although not as extreme, i mean you literally shake dude? cmon =P) to the point where i also just flat out told a few girls that i can be a bit 'awkward' at times. the thing is they can be understanding about this. so here it is >

1st: Honesty. you seemed to have already learned that honesty is extremely important in relationships with people. being open with your nervousness is a lot better than trying to hide it. i see where you're coming from with this, and i agree with you completely, i had the same revelation some time ago like i said. and it does work. people love it when you're honest about things like that. sometimes they might even try to help you with that, and just being honest about it and letting other people know that you're trying to change and become less nervous will help you grow tremendously faster. friends can help alot with this, if they are good with girls they can help alot with forcing you to talk to girls and giving you advice. (if you have friends that are good with girls, i'm guessing the ones that play video games so much should grow some balls, no offence to them). i mean its not like people can't tell that you're a nervous guy already when you try to hide it. so don't try to hide it. you will grow out of it much faster. plus girls might even think its kinda cute, like with George McFly or something (i watched part of back to the future today lol). or other shows, where theres that stereotypical nervous guy and such. they can tell when youre nervous. they also expect it out of at least some guys, because they know too that some of us guys can be nervous around girls. its nothing to be ashamed of. im not saying to not grow out of it though, grow the hell out of it man. anyway for more stuff on this, go here:

http://www.kinowear.com/blog/taking-off-the-false-mask/

good stuff right there. that should answer your question if i havent already.

2.Why are you so nervous? thats pretty extreme, with the shaking and stuff. is it just with girls or with people in general? if its just girls(which is what i assume), then just talk to them more and understand this: they are people too. humans. there is nothing scary about them. they arent superior, nor are they inferior. dont treat them like goddesses who will leave you if you say something stupid. speaking of which, they are amazingly tolerant about the stupid things you say. i know this firsthand, i used to say a lot of stupid things, yet they always kept talking to me. so dont worry about screwing up. they can tolerate it. also know this, they love it when guys talk to them, especially approach them when theyre alone. its true. they always light up for you whenever you begin talking to a girl who is just seemingly minding her own business. they WANT you to approach them, but they cant do much about it, because YOURE the guy, and society says youre the one who has to approach. so do it, hell for her sake even. shes bored. give her company. think of it in the altruistic way if you have to. although that mostly has to do with cold approaching, which isnt your only problem. refer to what i said about the 'saying stupid things' thing for your nervousness when actually in a conversation with them. if thats not it either, then figure out why you are nervous around them and solve it. i mean ive never really been THAT nervous around girls, so i really am not sure what your problem is. my general advice though, is like i said before, to just treat em like people and not goddesses, and to just enjoy yourself and have fun. like philosopher cyndi lauper once said: girls just wanna have fun. pretend to pull out your invisible twin six shooters on her or something, one of my personal favorites. the nervousness will go away when you start to see how playful girls can be towards you, and how much fun you can have with them. plus they love that kinda stuff. work on your humor. lastly, i would be like the above guy and tell you to be confident and stop caring about what she thinks n ****, but honestly thats a little vague, is it not? its not like, you havent been trying to be confident all this time, and now that ive told you to be confident, youll wake up tomorrow confident. thats not how it works. youve gotta work towards it, and in your case that might take a little time. though it might take a little less time if youre honest about this and at least try to have a little fun with girls, despite being nervous, rather than merely trying to become brave enough to 'converse' with them. you wont ever become confident and interesting by just doing that, plus youll bore them to death. have fun with them, and your nervousness will go away very quickly. worked for me.

if youre just that nervous around people in general... you need more serious help. shaking's bad enough, no offence lol. hope youre not st-st-stuttering too! just kidding, im assuming its only the womenfolk you have the problem with. unlike other guys they think stuttering's cute. (i don't actually really know that, but it probably doesnt matter, just make a joke out of it or something) hell make a joke out of your nervousness after you tell them about it. now theres an idea. thats like being open and funny at the same time. self-deprecating humor about your obvious shortcoming, comedians do it all the time. wait, thats exactly what you said you wanted to do in the 5th paragraph, lol. in that case, great idea, do it. theyll love it.

 

[falcons22]

Well, I know that it sounds ridiculous but I can't help it. It really only happens around girls I really, really like (one-itis) and when I'm doing stuff in front of a lot of people (like presentations for school). Just talking with random girls, na, I don't shake then. It does get kind of awkward but I don't get that nervous around strangers/girls I'm not that into. It's just when I get that stupid view that there's this one girl that I want so bad because she's giving me some attention, and that she's the only girl ever to roam the Earth. It sucks, but it happens every school year. And now it sucks because it's the summer and school can't distract me from that crap.

Thankfully for me, I just deleted One-itis's # from my phone and am erasing all messages from it. That way, if she wants to message me, cool, whatever, but I'm going to stop hovering around my phone all day waiting for a stupid, meaningless message. I'm going to just declare this a "failed experiment" and forget about her. I think she helped make me this awfully anxious and nervous weirdo and her presence brought me down a knotch with my confidence because I felt like I had huge expectations on my shoulders. I'm trying to adopt the DJ mentality and her presence is only an impediment to that end.

I've decided to take up some useful hobbies like weight training so that I can get bigger physically and hopefully gain some confidence. I can also work on my social skills at the gym. God knows I need it.