A failing success

[Dryden]

Just want to share.

Extremely horny girl. We meet here in the facility. Psychiatric institution. Big rules not to do certain things.

I missed the opportunity to make use of it right away.

So scary. Knocking at her door. The opportunity will not return. She was just perfect.

Will give her the note tomorrow. I failed to recognise that shoving notes underneath doors was not really possible. Still I tried. Really wanted to just ask her "Can I sleep with you some time?" It would have been enough. It still is enough.

Scary scary. Last time it took me like 30 minutes to get over the fear of ringing at the door of a neighbour girl. Scariest moment of my life. Ring at her door. Guy opens. Refuses to let me see her. I persist. She enjoys the convo, with big smiles and shining eyes.

I wanted to ask her in person though, better to have immediate answer. Would have been yes. Scary knocking at door. Personnel always watching. You have to time also the moments that they are not watching the monitor of the hallway .

Now is such a moment. I persist. I desist. I have too little time to prepare for it to get over the fear. Everything so difficult. Have to deal with 5 people at once. Register their opinions. Their state of mind. See the opportunities. And then don't hold back, act immediately.

Fvck HELL what a beautiful sexy fvckable wannabe mine girl. After tomorrow chances will be gone even further. HELP ME. HELP ME GET SOMETHING OF MY LIFE. Jesus Christ, fvcking help me with this .

 

[Dryden]

The opportunity was gone the moment one of the 'staff' entered her room without asking. That is a male thing to do. It was a woman doing it. It killed her vibe, her horniness. I registered that straight away. I feel too much. I know too little. Too little experience of having any kind of success.

She is getting horny again now, because she heard me prang the note at her door slit and I failed, but moments after I had 'escaped' (ha, the coward) into my own room again, she opened her door to see what was going on. Opened it for 2-3 seconds, closed it again. So she knows I had done something. Pretty obvious the sound of paper knocking at your door. I had wanted to slit it in easily and then do a single soft tick at her door at the same spot, and then walk away. Still not nearly as good as direct confrontration. But it is getting better again now, also because I am writing about my fear with you guys.

Crap crap crap crap. Golden Opportunity no. 50463. Best girl I have met in weeks. So clearly wanting. You have to act otherwise the disappointment in her takes over.

The depression. The hope. The desire. The loss. It is not really a loss. We perceive it as a loss. She did not lose, I did not win. That is a better determination.

Ha, at least I had the balls to talk about it with a guy who is slightly disturbing in the sense that he will always deny the thing you are trying to reveal or explain. So obviously in some way he disagreed again. But he enjoyed the suggestion. Part of becoming better with girls is to not shy away from revealing your intentions with them. Not to them, but also not to others.

She did not lose, I did not win. So there is no loss going on.

Jesus Christ. Okay I only had a 3% chance of succeeding today.

Funny thing is the guy started talking about something that makes us both sexy, a computer programming thing.

A history of life based in merit.

I so want to go see her right now.....

Timing wrong, expressiveness turned against me. Have to become natural again with this other girl part of the staff to get her over her disappointment. Busy busy, 50% solved. Next try.

(This girl part of the staff is the only one that allows me to kino her. She is one of those that you are attracted to but not all that much. Sexual tension pervades the meeting but it is easily misdirected. Caressing her cheek or even pinching her nose, putting an arm around her shoulder or helpfully pinching her shoulder for a bit of reassurance is pretty okay. I joked around with her sleeping with me - but only for a few minutes. "I really want to sleep with you" I'd say. I can still say it again, right now. Why not? The fear? Fear is false evidence appearing real. It is bullsh1t. It is bullocks. It is nonsense. There is no fear.

After the woman entered the girl's room, everyone started sensing what I was up to. Makes it even harder. Everyone sees me walking around in a tensed up way. The girl is now wondering in her room. Who was I? Why is it so that I am only getting these extremely hard opportunities, or are all opportunities equally hard???????.

Back in the day when I was still somewhat a free man, I would try my luck in getting over the fear in trains and at stations.

I'd do the thing I never dared do, because not doing it became even scarier. Why is it so that fear is always such a great obstacle? What on earth can happen? Rationally you know it is nonsense, and the biggest success provides us with the biggest fears. It is as if when the prospect of failure disappears, we are left in a void. It is easy to fail and often attractive to seek failure. But success leaves you in no-man's-land.

The constraints fall away. You start to shake. What if it might happen? Who will be there to catch you? It is about living life without safeguards. Failure is a safeguard. Became angry with the staff girl. Bluntly ask her "And when will you sleep with me?" Time is always a bad element to introduce. Do not speak of the past, and do not speak of the future.

That is the problem with letting something slip out of your hands. You introduce time. You start to worry about missed chances and this creates an essence of being abundant in the past but not in the present. You suddenly think the past is where your opportunity lay. And not here, and not now. This is why after a moment of time suddenly it feels as if opportunities are gone. Because you have not expressed that fear and that grief.

 

[Dryden]

So I was in these train stations. Asked a girl her name. She gave me her name. She thought it was interesting. Who is this guy? That he dares ask me that out of the blue? I waved my hand in front of her face because she was earplugged with music, so she had to take the plugs out. Later on I just followed a girl to her bench at the train station and asked if it was alright if I sat down next to her. BUT AUTHORITY IS NOT WATCHING WHEN YOU DO THESE THINGS. Things become harder when you can end up in a fvcking isolation cell because of a single miss-step.

The staff girl was mad with me for exposing me to punishment should I become too much noticed in my sexual things. Should I become too perceivable in what I want and do. She doesn't want me to get hurt, but cannot really protect me if I cross the lines too much. I apologized, that made it right for her. Last time I got a little noticable I got a fledging with a strong tooth from an older nurse who busted my balls but I escaped in one piece mostly. Ooph. That was hard. Had to fight like a tiger to get away from that.

In my fear and panic I had started harassing another girl who kept denying me her presence. I just needed her for a thing or two, to listen to me for a moment, watch what I was doing. I started mocking sexual assault.

 

[Dryden]

It's not about coworkers. There are no friends. There is no reputation to be ruined. And it's not like you say.

And if you think something is alarming, go and do something about it. Provide help. Don't be that loser of a person that says "Go find help" when asking help is something someone is doing. I am getting killed here. I am sorry about it. There's not much I can do for myself. But to try express myself and my need. I'm locked up here. I'm sorry.