We all want to feel like we are in control. It is what drives many of us to this website. There are a couple of things about control that this place has taught me - you've probably seen this before in some form or another, but the statements bear repeating. I still struggle with these two concepts, and how to integrate them.
1. You have ABSOLUTE control over your own life. No exceptions.
The thought that immediately springs to mind is "No way! What if, God forbid, some kind of tragic accident befalls me!" Simply put, you can't control external circumstances, but you have total control over your reaction to them. No matter who you are, you are going to encounter trouble spots in your life, and I think the measure of a person is largely made up of how they respond to adverse circumstances. Are you simply going to give up and let "fate" defeat you? Or are you going to have positive thoughts and not let the occasional trouble get you down?
This idea of total control over yourself is something that I find both deeply liberating and absolutely terrifying. I can do anything I want to do, as I am at the wheel of my own life. At the same time, however, I have no one to blame but myself when it comes to bad daily routines, reactive emotional states, and all the typical stuff that all of us on this site are trying to eliminate from our lives. The fact of having absolute control over myself is probably the core nugget of wisdom that this website has taught me, and I know that this concept is what is going to lead me out of the darkness and into the life that I really want to live.
However, this concept has an equally powerful opposite, and it's one of the hardest lessons I have ever learned, and one that I am still learning:
2. You have ZERO control over other people.
This is why so many people here, including myself, can seem so lost. We ask "How can I get people, especially hot girls, to like me?" Usually the responses will range from "Make fun of her and treat her like she's a little kid" to "Bend her over and she'll love you forever." Many of these responses have grains of truth to them, but the most truthful and simple answer is "You can't get people to like you. Take care of yourself and live the life you want to live, and the rest will fall into place."
Sure, it's generally true that if you act like an *******, people will probably dislike you, and if you're a "nice guy," most people are going to return the favor and treat you well. However, being "nice" to try to gain control over the responses of others is what has turned many of us into AFCs. In the end, you can't control the behavior of other people around you, no matter how hard you try. It's why we "average chumps" are so "frustrated." We behave a certain way and expect a certain response from people, and then we're crushed when we don't get what we expected. The key is not to expect any certain response, positive or negative.
Relationships have been ruined due to a lack of understanding about this second concept. When we start to seek out positive emotions from people we care about, we start acting needy, and the other person is likely to withdraw. Love and affection are GIFTS that are to be accepted with grace, not things that we should seek out, or worse, try to take, even if the other person has typically treated us with affection in the past.
The word "love" is anathema around here in large part because it's very difficult (if not impossible) to really love someone if you have self-esteem issues, not because love in itself is AFC. If you are satisfied with yourself, if you have taken control of your life and begun to lead it in the direction you want to go, it is OK to extend trust and allow yourself to be vulnerable by loving someone. Just don't expect anything in return, as hard as that sounds. You can't control others. If someone loves you in return, accept it and be appreciative - celebrate it, even! - but do not turn around and try to seek out more of those same emotions from the person.
The first lesson here is one that I caught onto soon after coming to this site, as I'm sure many of you have. I'd even venture to say that "control over your life" is the theme of these message boards. It's an easy lesson to understand, but a difficult one to internalize. Once you do, however, you will be truly free.
The second lesson has been much tougher for me to wrap my mind around. It is very easy to become addicted to positive responses from other people, and that's why many of us languish in "nice guy" mode. However, the second lesson can be just as liberating as the first. If you understand that you can't control others, then you can allow yourself to let go of trying to control them, and instead put your focus into gaining control of yourself.
These two lessons go hand in hand, and I firmly believe that they are the first, giant step on the road to freedom and a fulfilling life.
1. You have ABSOLUTE control over your own life. No exceptions.
The thought that immediately springs to mind is "No way! What if, God forbid, some kind of tragic accident befalls me!" Simply put, you can't control external circumstances, but you have total control over your reaction to them. No matter who you are, you are going to encounter trouble spots in your life, and I think the measure of a person is largely made up of how they respond to adverse circumstances. Are you simply going to give up and let "fate" defeat you? Or are you going to have positive thoughts and not let the occasional trouble get you down?
This idea of total control over yourself is something that I find both deeply liberating and absolutely terrifying. I can do anything I want to do, as I am at the wheel of my own life. At the same time, however, I have no one to blame but myself when it comes to bad daily routines, reactive emotional states, and all the typical stuff that all of us on this site are trying to eliminate from our lives. The fact of having absolute control over myself is probably the core nugget of wisdom that this website has taught me, and I know that this concept is what is going to lead me out of the darkness and into the life that I really want to live.
However, this concept has an equally powerful opposite, and it's one of the hardest lessons I have ever learned, and one that I am still learning:
2. You have ZERO control over other people.
This is why so many people here, including myself, can seem so lost. We ask "How can I get people, especially hot girls, to like me?" Usually the responses will range from "Make fun of her and treat her like she's a little kid" to "Bend her over and she'll love you forever." Many of these responses have grains of truth to them, but the most truthful and simple answer is "You can't get people to like you. Take care of yourself and live the life you want to live, and the rest will fall into place."
Sure, it's generally true that if you act like an *******, people will probably dislike you, and if you're a "nice guy," most people are going to return the favor and treat you well. However, being "nice" to try to gain control over the responses of others is what has turned many of us into AFCs. In the end, you can't control the behavior of other people around you, no matter how hard you try. It's why we "average chumps" are so "frustrated." We behave a certain way and expect a certain response from people, and then we're crushed when we don't get what we expected. The key is not to expect any certain response, positive or negative.
Relationships have been ruined due to a lack of understanding about this second concept. When we start to seek out positive emotions from people we care about, we start acting needy, and the other person is likely to withdraw. Love and affection are GIFTS that are to be accepted with grace, not things that we should seek out, or worse, try to take, even if the other person has typically treated us with affection in the past.
The word "love" is anathema around here in large part because it's very difficult (if not impossible) to really love someone if you have self-esteem issues, not because love in itself is AFC. If you are satisfied with yourself, if you have taken control of your life and begun to lead it in the direction you want to go, it is OK to extend trust and allow yourself to be vulnerable by loving someone. Just don't expect anything in return, as hard as that sounds. You can't control others. If someone loves you in return, accept it and be appreciative - celebrate it, even! - but do not turn around and try to seek out more of those same emotions from the person.
The first lesson here is one that I caught onto soon after coming to this site, as I'm sure many of you have. I'd even venture to say that "control over your life" is the theme of these message boards. It's an easy lesson to understand, but a difficult one to internalize. Once you do, however, you will be truly free.
The second lesson has been much tougher for me to wrap my mind around. It is very easy to become addicted to positive responses from other people, and that's why many of us languish in "nice guy" mode. However, the second lesson can be just as liberating as the first. If you understand that you can't control others, then you can allow yourself to let go of trying to control them, and instead put your focus into gaining control of yourself.
These two lessons go hand in hand, and I firmly believe that they are the first, giant step on the road to freedom and a fulfilling life.