A burden that is hard to bare

[PokerStar]

Have any of you been the person who your friends confide in?

I have many social circles which is awesome. A cluster of different kinds of people. from all walks of life.

Some are closer than others, which is fine with me.

The one thing, maybe the only thing that i find wrong is that it seems that everyone wants to come to me with their problems.

One friend needed to talk because he was having problems with his girlfriend and he needs some advice on how to settle the fighting with his girl and how not to be a father while working 10 hour days.

Another friend had told me that he is suffering from mulitple personalities and he needs to see a doctor for it. he doesnt want to talk about his problem with his other friends, for the fact that they would make fun of him and spread his busimess to other people.

Another told me she is suffering from depression and she needs to start taking meds to help her chemical imbalance.

man, this is just the tip of the ice berg.

I dont know know what to make of it. Its not that confiding in me is the problem its just that i want to help these people with the best advice possible but yet I have little to no experience with what they are going through.

I sorta feel helpless for them. I cant help their problem and I feel like they are coming to me for some help. Im not a doctor, or shrink or anything with a medical background.

I dont know what to do.

I just feel sad for them and i feel pressure to help but I cant give them any proper advice, which i want to.

Have any of you been that type of person where your friends and loved ones come to you and only you for advice?

 

[Mike32ct]

Yes, absolutely. Just be honest with them like I am. Sometimes, I will flat out tell them, "I'd love to help, but I have no experience in that area."

People come to me all the time because I like to help and most of all, I'm one of those rare people that can keep a secret.

 

[Warrior74]

People come to me all the time because I like to help and most of all, I'm one of those rare people that can keep a secret.

This used to be me.

As I have gotten older I've gotten a bit more selfish about my time. Time is the one thing I can't get back. And advice is freely given but rarely taken. I learned to cut conversations short, I learned to not listen so much and talk a bit more. I learned to stop playing therapist and start playing "lets see how much fun Warrior can have!". I've lost some friends and some friends are even better than ever. Instead of being the guy they can poor their pain out to, I've become the guy who they have fun with, but can still share some real talk with occasionally.

What woke me up was the first time I had major real life problems. People who I had listened to moan for ages about their problems had the nerve to tell me to just get over it, or just move on or to stop listening. That's when I realized that I was being more of a friend to them then they were willing to be to me. So I started treating people the way they treat me. Some won't like it, but that's only because they just want to use you for their own mental dumping grounds and as their own personal ego booster.

It's okay to care about your friends, but when you find yourself thinking about them and their problems more or as much as your own, you have to realize you are doing it wrong. As for advice, if you don't have any, don't give any. If you do have any, don't give any. Most people won't act on it anyway.

 

[Burroughs]

What woke me up was the first time I had major real life problems. People who I had listened to moan for ages about their problems had the nerve to tell me to just get over it, or just move on or to stop listening. That's when I realized that I was being more of a friend to them then they were willing to be to me. .

so fvcking true...everybody wants free tickets to the show but nobody wants to help carry amps.

 

[Mike32ct]

Thanks Warrior. You opened my eyes.

Yes, I've been noticing something similar to what you are saying. When you try to tell them your problem, they have no empathy. They cut you short, play it down, or act like they really don't GET what you are saying. They COULD get it, but they aren't interested.

When they have a trivial problem, it's the end of the world. When you have a more serious one, it's nothing to them.

 

[L B]

Perhaps they just want someone to confide in, to vent their problems and they trust you enough not to tell other people. Don't feel obligated to give them advice. Listen to them if you have time, but you don't have to a thing.

Over the years, my close friends tell me things they would not tell their family, wife/gf, or other close friends. Even though the problem is not resolve, they at least appreciate that you listened to their problem and that they are not alone.

I rather my friend vent to me and work on ways to improve his situation than keep to himself until one day he jumps off a cliff. Of course they shouldn't abuse your time by calling you all the time about it.

 

[Slickster]

Don't worry about always having to give your friends advice. Just listening is good enough. It is their life and if you can help out fine, but don't let them dump their problems onto you. That's not fair.