satyriasis
Don Juan
Received one of them chain letter emails yesterday.
50 Things About Women
50. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because they’re in denial about the size of their feet—which they can’t stand.
49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.
48. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they’re unsure.
47. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers.
46. Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less classy and she’ll probably go wild. Jäger helps.
45. Twenty-three percent of this magazine’s readers are women.
44. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal.
41. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about someone else’s opinion.
40. About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble.
39. It never hurts to say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it.
38. Let her beat you at something once in a while—poker, chess, Ping-Pong—and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.
37. Women’s public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than men’s.
36. “At one point or another, I’ve gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I’m talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don’t like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. It’s not about trust; it’s about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till it’s been satiated.”—Caroline, 28
35. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds.
34. Chick rock strikes a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Ani DiFranco song. It’s only about four minutes long.
33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Shasta!
32. Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they’re hovering above the toilet in a squat.
31. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP.
30. “Don’t caress our faces while we’re kissing, unless you really, really, really like us.”—Rachel, 21
29. On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat.
28. Breast augmentation surgery has grown by 257 percent since 1997. The most popular size? C-cup. As if you didn’t know.
27. Gain her trust when you’re out by calling her at 10 P.M. She’ll go to bed content you’re thinking of her, even if you’re slurping Jell-O shots off some skank’s cleavage.
26. Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice.
25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.
24. A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements.
23. Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and you’ll see it more often.
22. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.
21. More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat.
20. All women think they’re smarter than their partners in some significant way.
19. The more piercings she has, the more places she’ll let you put it.
18. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don't complain about it.
17. Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy.
16. Chicks aren’t afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask.
15. Girls don’t want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys.
14. Don't take a woman to a concert you really want to see—she'll just want to leave early.
13. “Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn’t give you an excuse to suck at foreplay.”—Elena, 28
12. Studies show women are more attracted to “macho” guys near ovulation. The rest of the month, they’re drawn to “good providers,” otherwise known as chumps.
11. She likes one of your friends.
10. Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like they're more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason.
09. The minute she decides she’s even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last.
08. Sixty percent of women in the United States color their hair, according to L’Oréal (who are obviously hoping they can peer-pressure the other 40 percent).
07. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.
06. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That’s your five o’clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, we’re not suggesting you shave.)
05. Female serial killers tend to use poison rather than guns or knives.
04. Foghat’s “Slow Ride” is not about a trip in the car. Get the hint?
03. The one breakup line she’ll never be able to argue you out of: “I’m sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you.”
02. Buying a present for your girl? She’ll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.
01. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12.
50 Things About Women
50. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because they’re in denial about the size of their feet—which they can’t stand.
49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.
48. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they’re unsure.
47. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers.
46. Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less classy and she’ll probably go wild. Jäger helps.
45. Twenty-three percent of this magazine’s readers are women.
44. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal.
41. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about someone else’s opinion.
40. About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble.
39. It never hurts to say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it.
38. Let her beat you at something once in a while—poker, chess, Ping-Pong—and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.
37. Women’s public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than men’s.
36. “At one point or another, I’ve gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I’m talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don’t like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. It’s not about trust; it’s about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till it’s been satiated.”—Caroline, 28
35. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds.
34. Chick rock strikes a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Ani DiFranco song. It’s only about four minutes long.
33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Shasta!
32. Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they’re hovering above the toilet in a squat.
31. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP.
30. “Don’t caress our faces while we’re kissing, unless you really, really, really like us.”—Rachel, 21
29. On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat.
28. Breast augmentation surgery has grown by 257 percent since 1997. The most popular size? C-cup. As if you didn’t know.
27. Gain her trust when you’re out by calling her at 10 P.M. She’ll go to bed content you’re thinking of her, even if you’re slurping Jell-O shots off some skank’s cleavage.
26. Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice.
25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.
24. A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements.
23. Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and you’ll see it more often.
22. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.
21. More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat.
20. All women think they’re smarter than their partners in some significant way.
19. The more piercings she has, the more places she’ll let you put it.
18. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don't complain about it.
17. Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy.
16. Chicks aren’t afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask.
15. Girls don’t want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys.
14. Don't take a woman to a concert you really want to see—she'll just want to leave early.
13. “Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn’t give you an excuse to suck at foreplay.”—Elena, 28
12. Studies show women are more attracted to “macho” guys near ovulation. The rest of the month, they’re drawn to “good providers,” otherwise known as chumps.
11. She likes one of your friends.
10. Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like they're more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason.
09. The minute she decides she’s even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last.
08. Sixty percent of women in the United States color their hair, according to L’Oréal (who are obviously hoping they can peer-pressure the other 40 percent).
07. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.
06. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That’s your five o’clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, we’re not suggesting you shave.)
05. Female serial killers tend to use poison rather than guns or knives.
04. Foghat’s “Slow Ride” is not about a trip in the car. Get the hint?
03. The one breakup line she’ll never be able to argue you out of: “I’m sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you.”
02. Buying a present for your girl? She’ll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.
01. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12.
