34 yr old divorced male having issues.

[lifemisspent]

Latest email from the girl who I think it playing games......

Hi guys............So I did not contact her all week..............Thursday she sent me a text telling me what a crazy week she is having.....................and a little small talk. Friday night heard nothing from her, she has her kid this weekend so it's pretty understandable and not out of the ordinary.

I finally called her yesterday to see how she was doing, she told me that she can't see me Saturday night but probably today and that she would call me. So I just now get this email from her...........


"I'm sorry, it's not going to work for today, I was at the gym until 2h00 with Marie while Sebastien was taking care of the kids. I though I could do something after but after this bad week, I think Nico is exhausted because he cries for nothing today and he his in a bad mood (can't wait he gets out of it...). The week was pretty tough on me too I feel like I need a bit of time for myself.

Hope you are well."

Mel

What should I write back, is all really lost here or is this just the reality of dating a girl with a kid? Funny that she prefers time to herself over time with me, I would have never blown her off this many times in a row...........sure there were times I wanted to be by myself but I found a way to make us spend time together.

What if anything should I write back ? Thanks.

 

[aimchase]

Her heart isn't in it and she's making excuses so she doesn't feel bad for directly saying 'no'.

I wouldn't reply, not today, not tomorrow, not ever. If she wants to meet you she'll have to initiate the next contact. Don't wait up though.

On to the next woman for you. She's wasting your time.

 

[game.r]

This thing is over. All thats left is your self respect.

I'd give a short answer with some fluff along the lines of 'hope next week is better and nico comes around. Take care'. Then move on. If she texts you, take hrs to respond keep text short and be noncommittal.

 

[lifemisspent]

Here is what I said

"Don't worry about it, get some rest and call me when you're feeling better."

I left it at that.

 

[romangod]

"Don't worry about it, get some rest and call me when you're feeling better."

You're done like dinner. She's got control of the frame and is leading you as she wishes. It's time to grow some balls.


Cheers!

 

[jophil28]

"I'm sorry, it's not going to work for today, I was at the gym until 2h00 with Marie while Sebastien was taking care of the kids. I though I could do something after but after this bad week, I think Nico is exhausted because he cries for nothing today and he his in a bad mood (can't wait he gets out of it...). The week was pretty tough on me too I feel like I need a bit of time for myself.

Hope you are well."

Mel.

Womanspeek translation -
" I just can't be bothered making the effort to meet up with you .
However , I can find the energy to work out with my G/f until 2pm. I have the energy to raise a child , but I am not interested in YOU enough to make the effort to get dressed and drive over .
I am also going to disguise my low interest in you with claims of my 'good motherhood',.. what sort of decent mother would leave a kid in a bad mood...
But gee, I hope that you stay dangling at the end of my long rope - you are good for my ego and you might be useful in the near future when I need a man to occupy the vacant space in my life, for a few hours.
I am finishing this by saying "hope you are well " to portray myself as someone who cares at the human level, even though I really could care less.. "

Lifemisspent- your reply was "nice" to the extent that it sent this message back to her, " I will politely accept your cancelation without a squeak of protest, or even an expectation that you will make it up to me with a counter offer. I realize that I come last in your priorities and I am willing to wait around until you can fit me in - let me know when seeing me is convenient to YOU. "

If you spend a little more time here you will learn how to deal with low IL women like this more effectively.
Radio silence and dating/seeing other women are two of your most powerful weapons.

Stick around - you have much to learn.

 

[lifemisspent]

Point taken

Womanspeek translation -
" I just can't be bothered making the effort to meet up with you .
However , I can find the energy to work out with my G/f until 2pm. I have the energy to raise a child , but I am not interested in YOU enough to make the effort to get dressed and drive over .
I am also going to disguise my low interest in you with claims of my 'good motherhood',.. what sort of decent mother would up and leave a kid in a bad mood...
But gee, I hope that you stay dangling at the end of my long rope - you are good for my ego and you might be useful in the near future when I need a man to occupy the vacant space in my life, for a few hours.

I am finishing with "hope you are well " to portray myself as someone who cares at the human level evem though I could care less.. "

What you say makes sense...........I am now prepared to move on but should I confront her ? I want to know where it all went wrong.

 

[jophil28]

What you say makes sense...........I am now prepared to move on but should I confront her ? I want to know where it all went wrong.

NEVER confront a woman for "closure".

Firstly, she will NEVER tell you the truth, and secondly you will have to surrender another big chunk of your remaining self respect to engage in a process which will see you begging for information from her.

Asking a woman to tell you why she pulled away is counterproductive and as useless as asking a female acquaintance for dating advice.
Many times you will just never know why it crashed, or fizzled out.

I had a 2 year live-in LTR fail twenty years ago because she told me (during the breakup "talk ") that she wanted to breakup because I did not do enough yard work, and we did not have people around for dinner often enough ! LMAO !
I just had to walk away in frustration and confusion. Sometimes you just never find out why.

 

[wait_out]

Why do you expect that there's a rational reason at all? It could be something completely unrelated to you. However, I guarantee she doesn't feel obligated to explain anything to you or generally treat you fairly -- she is already acting flaky and you'll just end up frustrated. Women KNOW how it affects guys when they stand them up, which is why you get an endless line of rationalization when it happens. Nobody likes admitting they're selfish. If you confront her, it just gives her the chance to assassinate your character to her friends, which will after-the-fact absolve her of the fact that she treated you (who sounds like a decent person in a difficult time) in a really shabby manner. You're not going to change her -- this an an egotistical conceit guys have, because we like to think we're special. Nobody likes having a girl do this to them and it's not a reflection on you. It's just how it is.

It is very important to get to the bottom lines with women instead of getting lost in their endless babble.

1) Does she make you feel good?
2) Does she make you feel bad (this VERY MUCH includes confusion).

Women who care about you make the effort to make you feel good, or make the effort to improve if they're falling short. And she makes you feel bad. Do you really deserve this mate? You don't have to be smart, you just have to have the maturity to move on when it happens.

While I applaud your conclusion that the OP should get professional counseling, the original statement that "depression is a sign of emotional weakness" is cold and flat out wrong. Depression can be a sign of physical problems, brain chemistry problems, etc. For those who truly suffer from depression, the day to day circumstances of their lives are often irrelevant. They can be depressed whether things are going good or not.

You are correct -- but this is the sensitive view we take with our friends and people we want to help. Most people in general disassociate themselves from people they see as having a problem (red flags, anyone? or this?). I don't think it's nice or fair, but you have to see the world for what it is, or you will usually get blindsided by it. Life can be very, very cold and hard, which is why it's important for people to stick together and help each other. That's about as close to a light in the darkness as you can find these days.

 

[lifemisspent]

Jophil28, what would YOU have emailed to her ?

NEVER confront a woman for "closure".

Firstly, she will NEVER tell you the truth, and secondly you will have to surrender another big chunk of your remaining self respect to engage in a process which will see you begging for information from her.

Asking a woman to tell you why she pulled away is counterproductive and as useless as asking a female acquaintance for dating advice.
Many times you will just never know why it crashed, or fizzled out.

I had a 2 year live-in LTR fail twenty years ago because she told me (during the breakup "talk ") that she wanted to breakup because I did not do enough yard, work and we did not have people around for dinner often enough ! LMAO !
I just had to walk away in frustration and confusion. Sometimes you just never find out why.

What would you have said ?

 

[catman]

Dear mel I will no longer accept this disrespect from you period! I only persue woman who also persue me and want to spend time with me. Lose my number and my email address :rockon:

 

[wait_out]

If you spend a little more time here you will learn how to deal with low IL women like this more effectively.
Radio silence and dating/seeing other women are two of your most powerful weapons.

OP, you really need to learn how do do closer reading. Jo already answered your question.

 

[Rescue Mission]

First of all, I want you to keep in mind how much worse your life would have been if you stayed married. You were unhappy and she was unhappier? Give me a break, that is pvssified thinking AT BEST! There is no logical reason for you, the man, to WASTE years and years of his life with a woman who does not make him happy. PERIOD.

Let me put it to you this way: You made the mistake of marrying a woman who was NOT good to spend a lifetime with, so essentially, you were supposed to "spend your whole life in jail, but you were set free after serving only an 8 year sentence". Anyone who really is serving life in jail, would be UNBELIEVABLY HAPPY to know that they can have their freedom back!!

THAT IS YOU!!! YOU ARE THE FREED PRISONER!!!

Could you imagine how GODDAMN AWFUL your life would have been if you had kids with THIS woman, and now were stuck being a part of a broken home???

You need to change your attitude completely, COMPLETELY!!! You can't just FORCE a family and kids to appear out of thin air!!! That's like trying to win the championship without having any talented players!!

What you need FIRST, is to date AS MANY women as humanly possible, after a few hundred or a few thousand, you WILL meet one that will strike you as special. You need to then have LOVE with this woman, a deep almost-unconditional love, for a long long time!! Once you have this woman (and you will, everyone does eventually), you now have a good core to think about getting married, and having your family and kids.

Stop being desperate about having a family/kids, because it will only lead you to meeting more useless women in your life.

Woman first, family later - that is how your mind show be working.

Family, then woman - that is like you casting a play and looking for someone to fill a role.......in life, getting people to fill roles will only end in disaster.

Instead of ever so casually ignoring my advice, you should really read into it and make major changes in your mindset towards dating.

 

[jophil28]

OP, you really need to learn how do do closer reading. Jo already answered your question.

Perhaps he missed the instructions in my last sentence, so here they are again , reworded.

When a woman cancels on you TWICE with any of those old favorite excuses like "I am too tired" or " My kid is in a mood." or " ITs been a busy week and I need some 'me' time" ... then it is your job to decode the signal that she is sending you , and then follow SOP, which is to go to radio silence, adopt ' no contact' as your default position , and lose her number.
Then start getting out with some other more compatible women - this is a numbers game in many ways.

(NO contact means NO CONTACT..zip, nada, )

 

[window]

I think this guys problem is low self esteem / approval seeking behaviour rather than depression. This is evident by the fact that you're dating or were dating a single mother who is towing you around. Generally guys with low self esteem / approval behaviour can trace its origins back to their childhood. So on the outside you seem to have everything together (which is most likely a form of approval behaviour) i.e you are doing everything except what you actually want to do. I bet you dont really like golf but it was expected of you that you would one day be a great player. You're are forcing your self to do things that you dont want to do which not only is draining your personal energy but creating conflict inside. You think that you need to have a family and kids etc but again this is societies expectations causing you dread. Given that you've been through a divorce you may not have actually moved on yet. This takes time. So you may not want to date women and have sex with them just yet but your mind is saying you have to ! I think the answer to your problem is to just stop forcing yourself to do things you think you should be doing and realise that feeling down is a part of life and if you let it take it's course you'll come out ok. Also do you like your job ? I mean really like it. There is a book could no more mr nice guy by glover which addresses a lot of these issues. We each have our own paths and probably the best way to approach life is to become more intuitive about what we really want as opposed to what we should be doing...another way to approach things is to ask yourself the question...in 100 years from now will anyone give a stuff what I did on this planet ! It literally frees you from societies imposed walls and gives you permission to do whatever you want. I mean at the moment society demands that we work 9 - 5 from 18y to 65 years. Wtf ! how fcked up is that ! the trick is to have self esteem from the inside rather than from what we do and how we are perceived...

 

[romangod]

I think this guys problem is low self esteem / approval seeking behaviour rather than depression.

I agree. Low self esteem requires internal work and is a struggle between the ego and one's true self.

That's why the OP is in big trouble. He's looking externally(women) to heal what is torturing him internally (low self esteem).

He's barking up the wrong tree. But like most AFCs, he won't listen and will continue in the same vain and expect a different outcome.

Women are the best catalysts for personal growth. After they've kicked you in the balls enough times, it might be time to realize the problem is you, not them.


Cheers!

 

[zekko]

This is one reason I don't like to date women with kids. The kids will always have to be the priority (and rightly so). Problem is, I like being the priority.

Lifemisspent, look up abundance mentality if you're not familiar with it. You are a high value guy! You need to start believeing this and acting like it. You deserve better than some single mother who keeps flaking on you. You can and WILL do better. You have your freedom now, the world is your oyster. You have unlimited options. Get out there and TAKE what you want.

 

[davewe]

Depression

First off , Im not suffering from depression. When I started feeling this way I began researching the matter, my symptoms don't fit with depression. My work has not been suffering, I am not withdrawn from friends or family, Im continuing to work out and I continue to practice good personal hygiene habits.

I don't think depression is something you can self diagnose, especially through Internet research. None of us know you and we're only basing opinions on your postings but many people thought you sounded depressed.

I would still strongly recommend at least seeing a professional and asking his opinion.

 

[L B]

What would you have said ?

Nothing. Absolutely Nothing.

Once she is on your ignore list, you move on to find something else to play with. It better take a lot of work on her part to remove herself from your ignore list.

This thread is fantastic. OP take it one step at a time. Some of the advice here is too much to take in all at one time. Some advice you might not agree or even thinking of trying. At least try to take it into consideration. Don't waste time with low interest women. If they want you, they will find you. You're a busy man out there conquering the world or busy with other ladies. Time is better spent looking for other prospect if your goal is improving your love life.

 

[Reyaj]

OP what you speak of this girl is so typical of many women out there. Not to discredit previous posters but what the advice I write is from real experience. I'll just address your last question of how you should have responded to her email











Yep no response at all! If she calls or emails the next week ignore it. Feel free to text her the following week saying you were really busy but keep it vague. This girl is basically nexted but by showing your lack of interest you may be able to keep it on the backburner as a booty call