30 y/o Indian thoughts

[RedBeardless]

She is 30. Technical. Just finished lunch in which she almost bailed for the second time - nerves. Beautiful. Polite. Same religion.

While we were at lunch she disclosed the plan to study for 40 hrs this weekend and disappear until next Friday for a tech certification test. She also cancelled Church for this. I have my son this weekend, so this is not really a big deal to me.

She revealed that she feels regret for the time wasted in prior relationships not pursuing her career.

These feel like **** tests.

I am new to the area and this is my first plate. Looking to spin more, though my OLD needs some work.

Thoughts on how to proceed? What can I do to keep my frame?

I /am/ the prize, though I do not want it to be at the expense of the professional development or career. I suppose I just need to think it through a bit more.

RBL

 

[bat soup]

She is 30. Technical. Just finished lunch in which she almost bailed for the second time - nerves. Beautiful. Polite. Same religion.

While we were at lunch she disclosed the plan to study for 40 hrs this weekend and disappear until next Friday for a tech certification test. She also cancelled Church for this. I have my son this weekend, so this is not really a big deal to me.

She revealed that she feels regret for the time wasted in prior relationships not pursuing her career.

These feel like **** tests.

I am new to the area and this is my first plate. Looking to spin more, though my OLD needs some work.

Thoughts on how to proceed? What can I do to keep my frame?

I /am/ the prize, though I do not want it to be at the expense of the professional development or career. I suppose I just need to think it through a bit more.

RBL

Does she bang?

 

[MoMoses]

She revealed that she feels regret for the time wasted in prior relationships not pursuing her career.

These feel like **** tests.

A women who is really into you wouldn't care. She would go after you.

This being said, you may still be in the fase where you need to raise her attraction. Don't be thirsty. Live a cool life, make your intentions clear, but be playful and keep a smile on your face. She should come to you or contact you if you've done things right and planted a seed in her mind. Some women may take their time but once they realise you could walk and find yourself another woman they'll change their behavior.

Yes you are the price and this doesn't have to be at the expense of her career.. I don't get this. Because she needs to study? Let her study. Tell her to contact you when she wants to see you and enjoy your life. Talk to other women in the meanwhile (this is key! It will give you abundance and cure your oneitis)

I must say, you didn't give much information so I'm more or less guessing here. But I got this vibe that you were needy towards her. Don't know why I'm sensing this, so please do correct me if I'm wrong.

 

[bat soup]

She is 30. Technical. Just finished lunch in which she almost bailed for the second time - nerves. Beautiful. Polite. Same religion.

While we were at lunch she disclosed the plan to study for 40 hrs this weekend and disappear until next Friday for a tech certification test. She also cancelled Church for this. I have my son this weekend, so this is not really a big deal to me.

She revealed that she feels regret for the time wasted in prior relationships not pursuing her career.

These feel like **** tests.

I am new to the area and this is my first plate. Looking to spin more, though my OLD needs some work.

Thoughts on how to proceed? What can I do to keep my frame?

I /am/ the prize, though I do not want it to be at the expense of the professional development or career. I suppose I just need to think it through a bit more.

RBL

It seems like she's continuously fobbing you off with a bunch of bs excuses.

You should make her a low priority and stop thinking so highly of her because she's probably banging someone else whilst she tells you stories about church and study.

 

[Grinderman]

nerves.

Don't rationalize her actions for her. If she were interested she wouldn't be talking about full schedules, she would make time.....

Fvck her.

I am new to the area and this is my first plate. Looking to spin more, though my OLD needs some work.

Ask any gambler who does accumulator bets, very very rarely they will only have one accumulator up and running.......

Try to have at least a few potentials on the go, not just taking one out and if that goes nowhere.........how do i proceed.......on to the next potential.

What can I do to keep my frame?

What is your frame? Define it and default back to it.

Remember she is the guest in your life, not the other way around.

 

[Lookatu]

She is 30. Technical. Just finished lunch in which she almost bailed for the second time - nerves. Beautiful. Polite. Same religion.

While we were at lunch she disclosed the plan to study for 40 hrs this weekend and disappear until next Friday for a tech certification test. She also cancelled Church for this. I have my son this weekend, so this is not really a big deal to me.

She revealed that she feels regret for the time wasted in prior relationships not pursuing her career.

These feel like **** tests.

I am new to the area and this is my first plate. Looking to spin more, though my OLD needs some work.

Thoughts on how to proceed? What can I do to keep my frame?

I /am/ the prize, though I do not want it to be at the expense of the professional development or career. I suppose I just need to think it through a bit more.

RBL

For the fact that she almost bailed on you for the second time is very telling of her interest level in you.

Her feeling like she wasted her time is normal thoughts and maybe the reason why she's not willing to invest so much this time around until she's sure of things. Hence her wanting to pursue her career more.

This is not your first "plate" if you haven't banged her yet. This is merely a date or meet up at this point.

You are already subliminally pedestalizing her by mentioning her age, beauty, politeness, same religion. When you do that, you have already exceeded plate status investment level IMO and are thinking too much about it. As you said, you need to "think it through a bit more". You do not need to do that nor should you unless you are looking for a gf.

Plates don't deserve any emotional investment from you yet and there shouldn't be that much thinking involved.

Plates are also free to do what they want as long as they don't flake on you when you're supposed to meet up.

Think of it more in business terms or like a friend. If a friend told you he was going to not be as available because he has to study for a certification, would you get all bothered by it? This is the emotional level and low investment you need to have with plates or you'll be a basketcase in no time.

 

[bat soup]

Any woman that tells you how "busy" she is shouldn't be taken seriously.

 

[SirBigBell]

To what extent do you think your shared faith and cultural background influences your behaviours. Game recommendations that apply to Western society dont always transfer easily to some cultures and faiths, without having to mak customised adjustments to fit the dynamics of those specific contexts.

If you are both Indian and possibly Hindus, then you need to approach game a bit differently from the rest of us.

 

[RedBeardless]

To what extent do you think your shared faith and cultural background influences your behaviours. Game recommendations that apply to Western society dont always transfer easily to some cultures and faiths, without having to mak customised adjustments to fit the dynamics of those specific contexts.

If you are both Indian and possibly Hindus, then you need to approach game a bit differently from the rest of us.

I am 4th generation American Caucasian. She is an immigrant from India of 10 years. What kind of adjustments do you make for the South Asians? I tend to find that they value family, which I like.

 

[RedBeardless]

...

This being said, you may still be in the fase where you need to raise her attraction. Don't be thirsty. Live a cool life, make your intentions clear, but be playful and keep a smile on your face. She should come to you or contact you if you've done things right and planted a seed in her mind. Some women may take their time but once they realise you could walk and find yourself another woman they'll change their behavior.

Ah... this rings true to me. Remind me, how does one make their intentions clear and plant the seed?

Yes you are the price and this doesn't have to be at the expense of her career.. I don't get this. Because she needs to study? Let her study. Tell her to contact you when she wants to see you and enjoy your life. Talk to other women in the meanwhile (this is key! It will give you abundance and cure your oneitis)

I must say, you didn't give much information so I'm more or less guessing here. But I got this vibe that you were needy towards her. Don't know why I'm sensing this, so please do correct me if I'm wrong.

This is the thing. Normally, I would be in support of such things and it would not bother me. But the way she talks through her thinking about the decision making process in front of me and then uses that as a rationalization to bail on church/another date within a week caught me by surprise. I suppose I will be ready next time and was in retrospect, perhaps, clinging.

To be clear, I have not slept with this woman. This is my first date since moving to the new town. First person to talk and meet from OLD. Small successes. New challenges!

 

[RedBeardless]

Don't rationalize her actions for her. If she were interested she wouldn't be talking about full schedules, she would make time.....

Good point. Speculation on my part.

What is your frame? Define it and default back to it.

Remember she is the guest in your life, not the other way around.

1. I am the prize. My time is a gift.
2. Evaluate if she would be good for

1. my 9 year old son (divorce).
2. starting a new family.

3. Escalate with IOIs as the rough guide.

I wonder how to evaluate. What kind of voluntary stressful situations do people sign up for these days?

 

[RedBeardless]

For the fact that she almost bailed on you for the second time is very telling of her interest level in you.

Her feeling like she wasted her time is normal thoughts and maybe the reason why she's not willing to invest so much this time around until she's sure of things. Hence her wanting to pursue her career more.

She seems to indicate interest other than this outlier. There is evidence that she is attempting to consciously self-regulate. Her personality is impulsive, so it is a reasonable direction to move for her. As she moves to self-regulate, she may be overdoing it, which also seems to be her character. I find it endearing, in a way.

This is not your first "plate" if you haven't banged her yet. This is merely a date or meet up at this point.

Hmm. I would like to date quickly and efficiently. Sex complicates things and draws out the timeline by making simple decisions difficult due to attachment. I am interested in dating, girlfriend, marriage, family, roughly in that order. I want to provide a stable family environment as a role model for my 9 year old son, who has a broken idea of family due to my ex's use of the court to destroy ours.

In Rollo's first book TRM he mentions that the key element is Desire. Even if the Desire is not acted upon (those who choose to abstain), it does need to be there. Based on my experience and intuition, I suspect her desire is there (IOIs such as daily checkins and the physical ones when we met).

You are already subliminally pedestalizing her by mentioning her age, beauty, politeness, same religion. When you do that, you have already exceeded plate status investment level IMO and are thinking too much about it. As you said, you need to "think it through a bit more". You do not need to do that nor should you unless you are looking for a gf.

I was trying to list the basic facts. She stands about 5'4. Long black hair curled. 3-4" boots. Black stretch pants. Grey sweater. Long maroon puffer coat. She wore a black trim mask with delicate colored pattern. Makeup was tasteful, not overdone, mascera, coal, eye liner. She clocks in at an 8/10 for this lunch impression in terms of attractiveness.

Plates don't deserve any emotional investment from you yet and there shouldn't be that much thinking involved.

Plates are also free to do what they want as long as they don't flake on you when you're supposed to meet up.

Think of it more in business terms or like a friend. If a friend told you he was going to not be as available because he has to study for a certification, would you get all bothered by it? This is the emotional level and low investment you need to have with plates or you'll be a basketcase in no time.

That is the thing. If a friend bailed on me the way she did, I would be disappointed. It is sort of like dangling a carrot in front of someone and then at the last moment taking it away and eating it in front of them. Normally I wouldn't care. But I saw the carrot, I wanted the carrot, and then it was taken away. I felt the loss for something trivial, but it happened. A great magic trick. Save it for the books.

 

[SirBigBell]

I am 4th generation American Caucasian. She is an immigrant from India of 10 years. What kind of adjustments do you make for the South Asians? I tend to find that they value family, which I like.

South Asians are more culturally conservative than the West. This conservatism means their views on certain things differ. For example:

1. Most marriages are arranged, so its not in their nature to date like we do. They therefore lack the skill, instincts and “manners” that we need to navigate the dating market.

2. Those cultures are very masculine, whereby men and women are not afforded the same rights. Sons are more valued than daughters and freedoms they are given are different.

3. Because of point 2 above, women expect men to do absolutely everything for them. They give you submission in exchange for you doing everything for them except wiping their azzhole.

4. The rules around sex are more stringent. Sex is not as easily available between unmarried people.Casual bangs are taboo. A woman who is discovered to have had casual sex can pretty much kiss her chances of marriage goodbye. Her life may actually be terminated by her own family in the so-called “honour killings” to rid the family name of the disgrace and shame.

5. Children are heavily encouraged and programmed to work hard and bring honour to the family name. This is why even in the West you see that children from these communities are extremely driven to succeed at school. Most of them end up as doctors, accountants, lawyers or as tech experts. That may explain why your girl in this case is relentless in her quest to study hard and succeed.

So bear the above in mind when dating South Asians. What works on Britney may not work on Sujatha.

 

[RedBeardless]

South Asians are more culturally conservative than the West. This conservatism means their views on certain things differ. For example:
...
3. Because of point 2 above, women expect men to do absolutely everything for them. They give you submission in exchange for you doing everything for them except wiping their azzhole.
...
So bear the above in mind when dating South Asians. What works on Britney may not work on Sujatha.

I see now. What an insight, SirBigBell!

My past relationship with "Zara" makes more sense now (https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/pennies-for-thoughts.267579/). It seems she Americanized her values to want everything done for her and to have it her way (no submission). I found it slightly codependent and offputting that such a capable professional would require me to carry out so much of her will and not take into account my preferences for the tools I use to do it. Frustrating there, but I learned a lot about presentation and thinking and communicating from her.

 

[SirBigBell]

I see now. What an insight, SirBigBell!

My past relationship with "Zara" makes more sense now (https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/pennies-for-thoughts.267579/). It seems she Americanized her values to want everything done for her and to have it her way (no submission). I found it slightly codependent and offputting that such a capable professional would require me to carry out so much of her will and not take into account my preferences for the tools I use to do it. Frustrating there, but I learned a lot about presentation and thinking and communicating from her.

In her own culture submission is enforced vigorously at family level. Her parents, aunties, brothers and the wider community will constantly check her to ensure that she stays in line and obeys the social order.

Now that she is in the West alone, these checks are no longer in place, so she demands to receive what men would give her, but this time without her fulfilling her end of the deal (submission).

You say she is very aware and socially intelligent, so she is able to use those skills to create to her advantage the perfect blend blend between what is engrained in her DNA and the dynamics of the freedoms her adopted environment now avails her.

She is bright enough to have studied your Western culture and the place women occupy within it and the benefits due to them, and then position herself to maximise her profits. Effectively you are dealing with someone who knows everything about your inner mechanics, while you dont know nothing about hers. In essence you are in a position of immense weakness here.

Until you invest the time and effort in learning the rules, nuances, power structures, hierarchy, cultural norms and the customary frameworks of the culture that raised her; you will continue to be at a disadvantage, with her running circles around you.

Understand your power, recover it and use it.
Its easier for you to find another Indian girl if you wish to than it is for her to find another caucasian man if you bail on her. Thats why she keeps displaying high interest and keeps returning each time you cut the rope on her. The dynamics will suddenly change the moment she finds another white brother to replace you. She will brutally ditch you, mark my words.

 

[Machine10033]

One of the best tools in life is to literally pretend you are that person. I would look at her actions and excuses and ask myself if this was me... why would i almost bail a second time.... then say I’m locking myself away to study for 40 hours?

she’s not really interested in you otherwise she wouldn’t have nearly bailed for a second time and she is hoping by coming up with bs excuses like locking herself away for 40 hours that she will not have to talk with you or text.

those are actions I would take if I really wasn’t into someone and was hoping to slow fade then into a full ghost.

if her 40 hour story is legit.. and her interest was high... she would be texting you...or setting up a mini break to see you.

 

[RedBeardless]

One of the best tools in life is to literally pretend you are that person. I would look at her actions and excuses and ask myself if this was me... why would i almost bail a second time.... then say I’m locking myself away to study for 40 hours?

...

if her 40 hour story is legit.. and her interest was high... she would be texting you...or setting up a mini break to see you.

This is a great exercise for listening. Given her somewhat manic tendencies, I can see this as her sort of overreacting to prior experience. If I play it cool (i.e. not annoy, but silence is often best) her slower thoughts may lead to the guilt for the insult.

 

[RedBeardless]

In her own culture submission is enforced vigorously at family level. Her parents, aunties, brothers and the wider community will constantly check her to ensure that she stays in line and obeys the social order.

Now that she is in the West alone, these checks are no longer in place, so she demands to receive what men would give her, but this time without her fulfilling her end of the deal (submission).

You say she is very aware and socially intelligent, so she is able to use those skills to create to her advantage the perfect blend blend between what is engrained in her DNA and the dynamics of the freedoms her adopted environment now avails her.

She is bright enough to have studied your Western culture and the place women occupy within it and the benefits due to them, and then position herself to maximise her profits. Effectively you are dealing with someone who knows everything about your inner mechanics, while you dont know nothing about hers. In essence you are in a position of immense weakness here.

Until you invest the time and effort in learning the rules, nuances, power structures, hierarchy, cultural norms and the customary frameworks of the culture that raised her; you will continue to be at a disadvantage, with her running circles around you.

Understand your power, recover it and use it.
Its easier for you to find another Indian girl if you wish to than it is for her to find another caucasian man if you bail on her. Thats why she keeps displaying high interest and keeps returning each time you cut the rope on her. The dynamics will suddenly change the moment she finds another white brother to replace you. She will brutally ditch you, mark my words.

Oh my. That is it! That is why she never engaged with my friends and I was kept at a distance from her family. Then when it came time to start connecting me, this issues started to pop up.

 

[SirBigBell]

Oh my. That is it! That is why she never engaged with my friends and I was kept at a distance from her family. Then when it came time to start connecting me, this issues started to pop up.

In her culture, romantic introductions to kickstart the arranged marriage process are always driven by men and are extremely formalised. These are not discussions conduced willy nilly in the casual manner of western introductions. She will be very aware of this.

Additionally in her case, there is the cross-culture nature of your relationship to navigate, if at all the union ever evolves to that level of seriousness. She will be concerned about whether her family will be open minded enough to accept an outsider (you). The family most likely already have a husband lined up for her for when she returns home.

My instinct tells me she doesnt want to go through all that hassle.To her you are just a temporary arrangement, a provider to be kept hidden out of sight. You will serve a particular purpose in the interim, then you will be disposed of when its time for her to really make important life moves. It just would be too much of a headache for her to go against the grain and rock the boat back home by trying to go fully legit with you.

Sorry if Im raining on your parade bro, but information is power.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Red Beard,
Her being a Christian makes her different,very few Indians are,often Anglo/Indians...These Ladies tend to be very attractive,slim and tall as are the mixed blood Burghers of Srilanka,however swimming in a Sea of Hindus they do tend to absorb their culturally conservative moral values....An example,on and off I visit a Plate who shares a mixed household with a High Caste Hindu Guy,to my certain knowledge for seven odd years,most nights he dined and watched TV with two Hindu Sisters...When I heard he had returned to India to marry,it seemed a foregone conclusion that this would be to one of the Sisters,but No he brought back a Girl who had been promised to him in marriage when she was twelve years old,and who he had only met a few times.