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3 yrs LTR - all good but thoughts of ending

calusmass

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Before I dig into more details, I would like to introduce myself because it might be determinant of why its all so good and if I am just fooling myself.

I am 25 yrs, with a degree im working with professionally and live in a apartment toghether with my gf.
I am considered very skilled within my profession, to put it in perspective I make two average 2 salaries.
I've got the looks, with a aesthetic body from 7 years of going to the gym, and a good style of clothing.

I am not trying to boast myself here, I would not gain anything from that, the reason I am mentioning this is because I have, according to the Rational Male, many traits that women seek in their game of hypergamy.

I met my gf 3.5 years ago, just when I was about to graduate from my school. We had good sex that stem from true desire, however we were not commited at this point. ~6 months in I was feeling pressure from her that it is time to commit, and so I did.
I realize now that committing at such a young age (22) was not ideal, I did not have much time to spin plates since I lost my virginity when I was 19.

Anyways, fast forward to today, we moved in 5 months ago together into an apartment where we have half the amount of sex at the very best. I will admit that it is partly my fault too, I have lost my true desire to give this girl the sex I used to give.
This is due to the fact that I am not as attracted as I was ~1.5 year ago when she was in better shape, and being a gym freak myself and seeing all the gym-babes with a squat ass has formed my attraction away from overweight girls.
To give perspective, she is ~10kg above than recommended BMI.
I have tried to offer her my help for getting in shape but its always such an sensitive subject for her, but even with the 3 attempts she's given it, it has not worked out due to lack of motivation, which is btw spreading over to me and thus ive become lazier and in same shape as when I met her (very little progress in ~3 years is very bad).
I feel a lump in my throat by saying it but ive been imagining other girls when we have sex for quite a while now, I wish it wasn't so but I cannot help it.

Now, one might ask why im still in this LTR? - Because of her personality. We get along well, she is in my frame, I still have the freedom many other guys lose (working on my own projects, going out with friends, etc), she coocks and cleans, and loyal.
But also because of the fear of leaving her, breaking her heart. And maybe never finding something as good as this.

But at the same time I know I have true potential spinning plates, Ive had many eyes my way and flirts.
I am afraid of regretting my decision of staying in an LTR just to find out that my characterstic traits were the reason for this LTR (hypergamy from my GF).

After just finished the book The Rational Male, I googled this forum and here I am with my first post, open to swallowing the red pill, but unsure if dumping my gf to spin plates, become more comfortable in lonliness etc is the right course of action for a male my age.
 

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LuksSkywalker

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Wait, is her becoming overweight the only reason you're thinking about breaking up?
 

calusmass

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Wait, is her becoming overweight the only reason you're thinking about breaking up?
No. It is amongst one of the reasons but not the only reason.
As I mentioned, her laziness is inspiring me to become lazier, or picking up less good habits.
Example of these are binging on snacks & sweets, watching netflix or wahtever is going on the TV.

It is not healthy for me, I used to be productive with most of my free time, but today I cannot say I am, atleast not as much anymore.
Then we have the declining attraction (from my perspective), I am not as keen on having sex like I used to, which makes me imagine during the act.

Im not sure where your heading with your question, but I dont want to talk about the morality of it, I want advice on what a rational male, my age, should do in this situation.
 

Sneaky Pete

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You are too young. Let her go and move/move out. If she was the one, you would know it by now.
 

zekko

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As I mentioned, her laziness is inspiring me to become lazier, or picking up less good habits.
Sounds like you're using her as an excuse to be lazy. It's your responsibility. If you want to be productive, be productive, and if you aren't then it's on you, not her.
 
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SgtSplacker

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All relationships are a give and take as far as traits goes. To say that there is a perfect person out there is unrealistic. The best thing is to find a combination of characteristics you can deal with. That super fit girl may not want to commit, or you may have fidelity issues with her. It really all depends on where you are mentally. If you feel like dropping her and playing the field then go for it. Personally I wish I would have taken some of my mid 20s relationships more seriously, but then I wouldn't know what I know now right?
 

EyeOnThePrize

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Before I dig into more details, I would like to introduce myself because it might be determinant of why its all so good and if I am just fooling myself.

I am 25 yrs, with a degree im working with professionally and live in a apartment toghether with my gf.
I am considered very skilled within my profession, to put it in perspective I make two average 2 salaries.
I've got the looks, with a aesthetic body from 7 years of going to the gym, and a good style of clothing.

I am not trying to boast myself here, I would not gain anything from that, the reason I am mentioning this is because I have, according to the Rational Male, many traits that women seek in their game of hypergamy.

I met my gf 3.5 years ago, just when I was about to graduate from my school. We had good sex that stem from true desire, however we were not commited at this point. ~6 months in I was feeling pressure from her that it is time to commit, and so I did.
I realize now that committing at such a young age (22) was not ideal, I did not have much time to spin plates since I lost my virginity when I was 19.

Anyways, fast forward to today, we moved in 5 months ago together into an apartment where we have half the amount of sex at the very best. I will admit that it is partly my fault too, I have lost my true desire to give this girl the sex I used to give.
This is due to the fact that I am not as attracted as I was ~1.5 year ago when she was in better shape, and being a gym freak myself and seeing all the gym-babes with a squat ass has formed my attraction away from overweight girls.
To give perspective, she is ~10kg above than recommended BMI.
I have tried to offer her my help for getting in shape but its always such an sensitive subject for her, but even with the 3 attempts she's given it, it has not worked out due to lack of motivation, which is btw spreading over to me and thus ive become lazier and in same shape as when I met her (very little progress in ~3 years is very bad).
I feel a lump in my throat by saying it but ive been imagining other girls when we have sex for quite a while now, I wish it wasn't so but I cannot help it.

Now, one might ask why im still in this LTR? - Because of her personality. We get along well, she is in my frame, I still have the freedom many other guys lose (working on my own projects, going out with friends, etc), she coocks and cleans, and loyal.
But also because of the fear of leaving her, breaking her heart. And maybe never finding something as good as this.

But at the same time I know I have true potential spinning plates, Ive had many eyes my way and flirts.
I am afraid of regretting my decision of staying in an LTR just to find out that my characterstic traits were the reason for this LTR (hypergamy from my GF).

After just finished the book The Rational Male, I googled this forum and here I am with my first post, open to swallowing the red pill, but unsure if dumping my gf to spin plates, become more comfortable in lonliness etc is the right course of action for a male my age.
so you have an internal conflict that you need to contemplate and reconcile. what are your goals? to spin plates? then leave her and do so. to work on a committed relationship, marry, and have kids? then keep working on it with her but keep your eyes peeled for someone more compatible. don't be hasty in your decision, think long and hard about what you really want and what is best for achieving that.
 

bcude

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A relationship is supposed to complement you and make yourself better, not worse. This is always the baseline.
An overweight person is lazy by heart and this is coming off on you. Naturally you wont be as turned on by that which is totally understandable.
Women are not turned on by short men in general and we're not turned on by whales. Women lose attraction when men become soft and lose frame and we lose attraction when women let themselves go, physically.
She's not living up to her terms of the "contract" when you gave her your exclusivity so you've no obligation to stay with her any longer.

You can't force someone to do something but you can lead by example and praise things she does to nudge her in the direction you want, if that doesn't work i'd say you've different values in life and you need to leave her. You're still young and seemingly got your sh1t together. Options won't be your problem. The dread of losing a high value man who's staying in shape is usually enough to make her want to stay in shape too.
 

Lynx nkaf

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I bet it would be enough dread if a woman saw a man/her man, be a dedicated weightlifter and clean eater.

I currently don't know any men or couples like this.
That's changing, let me tell you.
 

R.U.G.

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Before I dig into more details, I would like to introduce myself because it might be determinant of why its all so good and if I am just fooling myself.

I am 25 yrs, with a degree im working with professionally and live in a apartment toghether with my gf.
I am considered very skilled within my profession, to put it in perspective I make two average 2 salaries.
I've got the looks, with a aesthetic body from 7 years of going to the gym, and a good style of clothing.

I am not trying to boast myself here, I would not gain anything from that, the reason I am mentioning this is because I have, according to the Rational Male, many traits that women seek in their game of hypergamy.

I met my gf 3.5 years ago, just when I was about to graduate from my school. We had good sex that stem from true desire, however we were not commited at this point. ~6 months in I was feeling pressure from her that it is time to commit, and so I did.
I realize now that committing at such a young age (22) was not ideal, I did not have much time to spin plates since I lost my virginity when I was 19.

Anyways, fast forward to today, we moved in 5 months ago together into an apartment where we have half the amount of sex at the very best. I will admit that it is partly my fault too, I have lost my true desire to give this girl the sex I used to give.
This is due to the fact that I am not as attracted as I was ~1.5 year ago when she was in better shape, and being a gym freak myself and seeing all the gym-babes with a squat ass has formed my attraction away from overweight girls.
To give perspective, she is ~10kg above than recommended BMI.
I have tried to offer her my help for getting in shape but its always such an sensitive subject for her, but even with the 3 attempts she's given it, it has not worked out due to lack of motivation, which is btw spreading over to me and thus ive become lazier and in same shape as when I met her (very little progress in ~3 years is very bad).
I feel a lump in my throat by saying it but ive been imagining other girls when we have sex for quite a while now, I wish it wasn't so but I cannot help it.

Now, one might ask why im still in this LTR? - Because of her personality. We get along well, she is in my frame, I still have the freedom many other guys lose (working on my own projects, going out with friends, etc), she coocks and cleans, and loyal.
But also because of the fear of leaving her, breaking her heart. And maybe never finding something as good as this.

But at the same time I know I have true potential spinning plates, Ive had many eyes my way and flirts.
I am afraid of regretting my decision of staying in an LTR just to find out that my characterstic traits were the reason for this LTR (hypergamy from my GF).

After just finished the book The Rational Male, I googled this forum and here I am with my first post, open to swallowing the red pill, but unsure if dumping my gf to spin plates, become more comfortable in lonliness etc is the right course of action for a male my age.
Before you eject her, you need to think a few things. One, is the 22 LBS that big of an issue for you? She's average in weight/looks. Okay, I get that. However, she does worship you, cooks (not coocks) for you, cleans for you, etc. There is always another woman, no doubt, but can you be sure that they will give you what you need and want aside from a thinner gal? Yes, she may be hotter, but she may cheat on you, not fvck you (as much), cook, clean, and worship you as this one. You can try to do more activities with her and eat with her to ensure she's eating better.

It is not on you due to her weight gain, but it is a give and take. Trust when I say, the 100% in shape women are a handful and a half. In my experience, they are not worth the headache as they all feel that they are princesses and should be treated like Greek goddesses. Probably a reason why I nexted them so fast. If there is only hot sex, that will get old after a few dozen or so times in fvcking her. If you want to build something, you need more than just sex. If you just want to fvck, then at your age, you can get massive amounts of pvssy if you look decent.

There is no right answer. However, you have to look within yourself to see what you really want. I will say, moving in was a BIG mistake. Unless you are having a baby or getting married, no reason to share the same dwelling. None.
 
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BeExcellent

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Advice from the old lady:

Firstly welcome. Now for some thoughts.

In a LTR communication is essential. You have not communicated to her that her appearance/weight/eating habits are so important to you that you are considering leaving the relationship over it.

You must sit her down and tell her. If her bad habits are more important than being healthy for herself and for you and she leaves?

Better now than in 10 years time after a child or two and she completely porks out.

I am telling you this as a 51 year old woman who has had 3 children and I weigh the same now as in high school (actually less)...my avatar is me. That photo is within the past 12 months and I’ve had zero surgical enhancements. I know many other women like me who remain in great shape in middle age. Lifestyle & daily habits.

Discipline to eat right and exercise is a lifestyle choice. It’s a part of your values. You need to decide if your values line up after you have a very direct conversation about the issue.

On the leadership & laziness. You are responsible for that. You are succumbing to her influence and following her lead in this. You must lead this relationship now and always. You are slipping in that area.

Only you can determine your next move. There are great women out there who value health & fitness. I was one at that age...

If you are attractive & high value you can meet others. But it may be worth having a serious conversation and taking the lead and giving her an opportunity to realize her priorities need to get in line OR ELSE...

You are with the familiar situation you know and you prefer familiarity to uncertainty. That is a lazy trait YOU have.

Give it some thought & keep us posted.

Cheers
 

Ohso-Phresh

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Before I dig into more details, I would like to introduce myself because it might be determinant of why its all so good and if I am just fooling myself.

I am 25 yrs, with a degree im working with professionally and live in a apartment toghether with my gf.
I am considered very skilled within my profession, to put it in perspective I make two average 2 salaries.
I've got the looks, with a aesthetic body from 7 years of going to the gym, and a good style of clothing.

I am not trying to boast myself here, I would not gain anything from that, the reason I am mentioning this is because I have, according to the Rational Male, many traits that women seek in their game of hypergamy.

I met my gf 3.5 years ago, just when I was about to graduate from my school. We had good sex that stem from true desire, however we were not commited at this point. ~6 months in I was feeling pressure from her that it is time to commit, and so I did.
I realize now that committing at such a young age (22) was not ideal, I did not have much time to spin plates since I lost my virginity when I was 19.

Anyways, fast forward to today, we moved in 5 months ago together into an apartment where we have half the amount of sex at the very best. I will admit that it is partly my fault too, I have lost my true desire to give this girl the sex I used to give.
This is due to the fact that I am not as attracted as I was ~1.5 year ago when she was in better shape, and being a gym freak myself and seeing all the gym-babes with a squat ass has formed my attraction away from overweight girls.
To give perspective, she is ~10kg above than recommended BMI.
I have tried to offer her my help for getting in shape but its always such an sensitive subject for her, but even with the 3 attempts she's given it, it has not worked out due to lack of motivation, which is btw spreading over to me and thus ive become lazier and in same shape as when I met her (very little progress in ~3 years is very bad).
I feel a lump in my throat by saying it but ive been imagining other girls when we have sex for quite a while now, I wish it wasn't so but I cannot help it.

Now, one might ask why im still in this LTR? - Because of her personality. We get along well, she is in my frame, I still have the freedom many other guys lose (working on my own projects, going out with friends, etc), she coocks and cleans, and loyal.
But also because of the fear of leaving her, breaking her heart. And maybe never finding something as good as this.

But at the same time I know I have true potential spinning plates, Ive had many eyes my way and flirts.
I am afraid of regretting my decision of staying in an LTR just to find out that my characterstic traits were the reason for this LTR (hypergamy from my GF).

After just finished the book The Rational Male, I googled this forum and here I am with my first post, open to swallowing the red pill, but unsure if dumping my gf to spin plates, become more comfortable in lonliness etc is the right course of action for a male my age.
Leave people better than you found them.

The issues have more to do with you, than anything about her.
 

calusmass

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Sounds like you're using her as an excuse to be lazy. It's your responsibility. If you want to be productive, be productive, and if you aren't then it's on you, not her.
Indeed it is my responsibility, but it does not take away the fact that a lazier woman will influence negatively compared to a productive woman. I am not saying that a woman must be productive in order for me to be productive, I was productive without a woman for many years.
But maybe you are right either way, I shouldn't have let the negative influence get to me, I should just focus on my own **** and let her complain on me not giving her enough attention.

...
You can't force someone to do something but you can lead by example and praise things she does to nudge her in the direction you want, if that doesn't work i'd say you've different values in life and you need to leave her. You're still young and seemingly got your sh1t together. Options won't be your problem. The dread of losing a high value man who's staying in shape is usually enough to make her want to stay in shape too.
so you have an internal conflict that you need to contemplate and reconcile. what are your goals? to spin plates? then leave her and do so. to work on a committed relationship, marry, and have kids? then keep working on it with her but keep your eyes peeled for someone more compatible. don't be hasty in your decision, think long and hard about what you really want and what is best for achieving that.
Solid advice, tbh I miss the game, to go out and socialize with strangers and end up having it. Maybe im full of testo and just want to scatter around for a while or maybe I just did not have enough of it before I commited to a LTR. Maybe these emotions are the root cause of me wanting to end it.
I need to clear my head and think deep to come to a conclusion of what I really want to be doing.

As a follow up question, what is your take on Rollo's advice for all males under 30 to spin plates, and just when you've hit your 30's, start thinking about a LTR?

Advice from the old lady:
...
On the leadership & laziness. You are responsible for that. You are succumbing to her influence and following her lead in this. You must lead this relationship now and always. You are slipping in that area.

Only you can determine your next move. There are great women out there who value health & fitness. I was one at that age...

If you are attractive & high value you can meet others. But it may be worth having a serious conversation and taking the lead and giving her an opportunity to realize her priorities need to get in line OR ELSE...

You are with the familiar situation you know and you prefer familiarity to uncertainty. That is a lazy trait YOU have.

Give it some thought & keep us posted.

Cheers

Thanks for the detaild post, I agree, I need to pickup the leadership frame.
I have maybe been too soft on her and taken her "weight is a sensetive subject for me" as an excuse to continue as things were previously after a few weeks of trying half hearted.

Clearly fitness& health is of importance for you, did you find a man (if you are married?) with the same priorities?
---------------
I will keep you posted on my decision once ive commited to it.
 

jaymbrs

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Sounds like what I'm somewhat dealing with. When I met my GF, we were both in very decent shape. I was a gym rat and she was a marathon runner. Now my relationship is about 1.5 years in and we both slacked off during the honeymoon phase. We both gained some weight and overall became lazy. However we had a discussion about how we both need to get back into it. So we started doing all kinds of activities together like joining softball clubs, working out together with this program called Camp Gladiator, have trained and participated in a Spartan Race and we're hoping we can attend another one after this coronavirus quarantine is relaxed. We are still not where we want to be but that's ok. Point is we're both enjoying ourselves with these workouts and activities.
 

BeExcellent

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Indeed it is my responsibility, but it does not take away the fact that a lazier woman will influence negatively compared to a productive woman. I am not saying that a woman must be productive in order for me to be productive, I was productive without a woman for many years.
But maybe you are right either way, I shouldn't have let the negative influence get to me, I should just focus on my own **** and let her complain on me not giving her enough attention.





Solid advice, tbh I miss the game, to go out and socialize with strangers and end up having it. Maybe im full of testo and just want to scatter around for a while or maybe I just did not have enough of it before I commited to a LTR. Maybe these emotions are the root cause of me wanting to end it.
I need to clear my head and think deep to come to a conclusion of what I really want to be doing.

As a follow up question, what is your take on Rollo's advice for all males under 30 to spin plates, and just when you've hit your 30's, start thinking about a LTR?




Thanks for the detaild post, I agree, I need to pickup the leadership frame.
I have maybe been too soft on her and taken her "weight is a sensetive subject for me" as an excuse to continue as things were previously after a few weeks of trying half hearted.

Clearly fitness& health is of importance for you, did you find a man (if you are married?) with the same priorities?
---------------
I will keep you posted on my decision once ive commited to it.
I will only date attractive men who take their health, hygiene and appearance seriously. That includes eating properly and a regular fitness regimen.

I was married for 15 years but am currently divorced. Recently out of a 2.5yr LTR.

You gotta figure out what you value and choose women (for relationships) that line up with those values.
 
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RickTheToad

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I will only date attractive men who take their health, hygiene and appearance seriously. That includes eating properly and a regular fitness regimen.

I was married for 15 years but am currently divorced. Recently out of a 2.5yr LTR.

You gotta figure out what you value and choose women (for relationships) that line up with those values.
Huh?? @BeExcellent You dumped the dude? You seemed very happy with him.
 

Logos

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I did. I was quite happy with him but he continues behaviors that I will not tolerate so must eject.

That way in time I can be open to someone who doesn’t have those behaviors.
Touche. Well said.
 

mrgoodstuff

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I did. I was quite happy with him but he continues behaviors that I will not tolerate so must eject.

That way in time I can be open to someone who doesn’t have those behaviors.
What's that? What behaviors? Is he still taking care of his business?
 
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