Marque One
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This is the first of a set of occasional posts detailing my current view of the relations between men and women. The first of these articles deals with how men and women are attracted to each other, and how a male's perception of this process can make him PUA or AFC.
This theory is based on a combination of two themes - one from DYD which states "attraction is not a choice", and the other from Ross Jeffries stating "You can not predict what type of man a particular woman will go for". I love DYD, but am cold on SS, although Ross Jeffries offers some excellent insights into motivation.
STAGE ONE - The Male Attractiveness Equation before language
From my experience, and it seems backed up by many other people, a woman's attraction to a man is based on a mixture of physical characteristics, self-presentation and body language (including ability to hold gaze.)
Physical characteristics mean simply that - a man's face and his body type. As with every male, every female has a preferred physical type over all others, but not necessarily to the exclusion of all others. So, an "ideal" man, in a woman's perception, will have a strong jaw line, symmetrical features, broad shoulders and a 0.7-1 waist-shoulder ratio. I suggest that the physical characteristics will account for 50 out of 100 marks when a woman is considering her attraction to a particular man, before a word has been spoken.
The second factor, self-presentation, I suggest counts for 15 out of 100 marks of the final amount. This accounts for the man's grooming (hairstyle, facial hair) and clothing (whether it is to her particular taste, if the colours match, if the clothes are sufficiently ironed, and so on).
The final factor, body language, comprises the final 35 of the 100 marks. I'm sure we are all well-versed in what are attractive body language signals, but for the record, I'll briefly summarise them. Good body language conveys independence, confidence and non-neediness. Good eye contact (within the bridge of the eyes and nose) done in an unflustered, non-needy, non-stalkerish way, projected chest (but not overly so), good body positioning (legs aparts, arms not crossing the torso) and slower, more deliberate movements.
Essentially, stage one is "being yourself". It's just how you are, regardless of whether a woman has noticed you and/or you have noticed a woman. When your natural self is noticed, you will recieve an unconscious score from a particular woman on her attraction scale. Unlike the other stages of approach, this is the only score about which you can do very little "on the spot". The opinion is already formed - she either likes you, she might like you, or she plain does not - deal done, end of story.
By smartening oneself up and improving body language over time, your aggregate score will improve, meaning you become more attractive to more women.
An AFC will want a woman to "like him for himself" - he will refuse to put any effort (or pay any significant attention) to improving his Stage One score. As time goes on, he will become more frustrated that he is not getting the attention he feels he "deserves", and will lose confidence and the motivation to approach as a result. Increasingly, he will start to think all women are "*****es" and believe they are nature's mysteries which no man can solve. A vicious cycle occurs and his approaches and belief in himself around women will worsen as time goes on, eventually meaning that female contact (outside work etc) is very rare, and he is ill-equipped to cope with it when it occurs.
A PUA will realise that "not every woman in the world will fancy him, no matter how much he grooms, how much better his dress sense becomes and how good his body language is". A PUA knows that he will appeal to a certain section of women at all times - there is nothing these women can do but feel attraction to him. He will also realise there is another group of women who can not make up their mind just from Stage One, and he equips himself with the tools to turn her indecisiveness into attraction. But the most important thing he knows is that there is a group of women who will never be attracted to him.
The PUA will realise that there is, in fact, nothing to lose by approaching a woman, because the outcome is probably already determined (except for the undecided group, to whom he can increase his attractiveness by learning the skills). It is no more his fault that attraction does not exist than hers - it's just nature's way. In the same way that there are certain women who you are attracted to and certain others you will never feel attraction for, the same is true of her.
A PUA never feels a sense of rejection, as he realises that in the vast majority of cases, he could do absolutely nothing about it. And why worry over the things which you can never influence?
STAGE TWO - the approach before language
This is where the difference between an AFC and a PUA really comes into play. In business, companies advertise in two ways - either proactively or reactively. Companies using "reactive marketing" tend to put adverts in newspapers and post leaflets through doors. They communicate that they are there, they can do what you want them to do but you've got to come knocking at their door. "Proactive marketing" means sending out letters and emails, knocking on doors and phoning people up at home. Yes, quite often the advance falls on deaf ears, but there are enough people at the right point in the "buying cycle" to make profit from the added expense. Sometimes, proactive marketers make people realise they are ready to buy when they have not even admitted it to themselves. For every 100 sales, 15 go to reactive marketers, 85 go to proactive marketers.
In the uncertain world of business, it pays to ask someone if they are interested, knowing most of the time it will not work out. And there's absolutely nothing you can do about it either. They may have bought last week or last month, they may not buy from proactive marketers, hell they may just not like you for whatever reason, but as a proactive marketer, you know you are going to be at least 6 times more successful than the guys who just wait for the phone to ring.
In the same way AFCs are terrified of rejection because they take it personally, "reactive marketers" are terrified of putting out because they don't know the methods involved and the business owner will take the rejection of his product or service personally. AFCs wait for the woman to approach, more often than not.
In sales, as with attraction, Stage Two works on a completely different set of principles from Stage One. In proactive marketing, your approach has to be right in order to get the customer ready to go to the next stage with you. In attraction, it is just the same.
When approaching, it does not pay to appear too keen on the result - unless she is really stupid, she will know why you are coming over anyway. The key is to use your body language to display approachability and indifference to the outcome. If you have overly-keen needy eye contact with the female, move across too quickly, visibly "tweak" your appearance in front of her as if to appear more attractive to the target, within her eyeline, this is all superfluous communication. It is not necessary to telegraph your intentions towards her because she already knows what they are.
Using superfluous non-verbal communication to the woman will convey over-eagerness (which she will interpret as desperation for her approval), insecurity (she thinks that you are looking for some approval to approach - not very manly) and lack of experience in communicating with women (she'll think that you should really know how to show yourself to a woman and because you don't, you won't make a very good lover). It strongly suggests a lack of belief in yourself. In proactive marketing, the execution has to be right. You have to communicate both verbally and non-verbally that you believe in yourself, what you are selling and the company you are working for - you've got to make it seem like approaching the customer is no big deal at all because you know that, even if you get a rejection, there'll be other buyers lining up around the block with their chequebooks ready.
Your approach and the non-verbal style will determine the start of Stage Three, the beginnings of verbal communication. Any positive impressions or attraction the woman has for you from Stage One can be amplified by a good, confident and non-needy display of body language from Stage Two, and can greatly smooth the beginnings of verbal communication. Any attraction from Stage One can also be sabotaged by a bad, non-verbal approach to the woman - nullifying any advantage you may have had.
STAGE THREE - the first words and the continued importance of body language
So, you've got this far. And you've not said a word. Depending on how well she views you in Stage One, and how well you've approached on Stage Two, you have some currency in her bank account. She is open to communication with you - she will give you some of her time to find out a little more about you.
Quite often, the fear in an AFC's mind when approaching a woman is that she will be thinking "What the hell does he want from me?" That's not actually true - she has already made up her mind about you, she has noticed your insecure body language and has decided she is not attracted to you. She knows what you want from her, so she doesn't ask herself that question. She can feel herself becoming uncomfortable, because she knows she is going to reject you. She's actually thinking "Oh my God. Why the hell has he chosen me?" The AFCness has already stopped in wheels in the machine - the attraction vehicle has been written off in a body language car crash.
This theory is based on a combination of two themes - one from DYD which states "attraction is not a choice", and the other from Ross Jeffries stating "You can not predict what type of man a particular woman will go for". I love DYD, but am cold on SS, although Ross Jeffries offers some excellent insights into motivation.
STAGE ONE - The Male Attractiveness Equation before language
From my experience, and it seems backed up by many other people, a woman's attraction to a man is based on a mixture of physical characteristics, self-presentation and body language (including ability to hold gaze.)
Physical characteristics mean simply that - a man's face and his body type. As with every male, every female has a preferred physical type over all others, but not necessarily to the exclusion of all others. So, an "ideal" man, in a woman's perception, will have a strong jaw line, symmetrical features, broad shoulders and a 0.7-1 waist-shoulder ratio. I suggest that the physical characteristics will account for 50 out of 100 marks when a woman is considering her attraction to a particular man, before a word has been spoken.
The second factor, self-presentation, I suggest counts for 15 out of 100 marks of the final amount. This accounts for the man's grooming (hairstyle, facial hair) and clothing (whether it is to her particular taste, if the colours match, if the clothes are sufficiently ironed, and so on).
The final factor, body language, comprises the final 35 of the 100 marks. I'm sure we are all well-versed in what are attractive body language signals, but for the record, I'll briefly summarise them. Good body language conveys independence, confidence and non-neediness. Good eye contact (within the bridge of the eyes and nose) done in an unflustered, non-needy, non-stalkerish way, projected chest (but not overly so), good body positioning (legs aparts, arms not crossing the torso) and slower, more deliberate movements.
Essentially, stage one is "being yourself". It's just how you are, regardless of whether a woman has noticed you and/or you have noticed a woman. When your natural self is noticed, you will recieve an unconscious score from a particular woman on her attraction scale. Unlike the other stages of approach, this is the only score about which you can do very little "on the spot". The opinion is already formed - she either likes you, she might like you, or she plain does not - deal done, end of story.
By smartening oneself up and improving body language over time, your aggregate score will improve, meaning you become more attractive to more women.
An AFC will want a woman to "like him for himself" - he will refuse to put any effort (or pay any significant attention) to improving his Stage One score. As time goes on, he will become more frustrated that he is not getting the attention he feels he "deserves", and will lose confidence and the motivation to approach as a result. Increasingly, he will start to think all women are "*****es" and believe they are nature's mysteries which no man can solve. A vicious cycle occurs and his approaches and belief in himself around women will worsen as time goes on, eventually meaning that female contact (outside work etc) is very rare, and he is ill-equipped to cope with it when it occurs.
A PUA will realise that "not every woman in the world will fancy him, no matter how much he grooms, how much better his dress sense becomes and how good his body language is". A PUA knows that he will appeal to a certain section of women at all times - there is nothing these women can do but feel attraction to him. He will also realise there is another group of women who can not make up their mind just from Stage One, and he equips himself with the tools to turn her indecisiveness into attraction. But the most important thing he knows is that there is a group of women who will never be attracted to him.
The PUA will realise that there is, in fact, nothing to lose by approaching a woman, because the outcome is probably already determined (except for the undecided group, to whom he can increase his attractiveness by learning the skills). It is no more his fault that attraction does not exist than hers - it's just nature's way. In the same way that there are certain women who you are attracted to and certain others you will never feel attraction for, the same is true of her.
A PUA never feels a sense of rejection, as he realises that in the vast majority of cases, he could do absolutely nothing about it. And why worry over the things which you can never influence?
STAGE TWO - the approach before language
This is where the difference between an AFC and a PUA really comes into play. In business, companies advertise in two ways - either proactively or reactively. Companies using "reactive marketing" tend to put adverts in newspapers and post leaflets through doors. They communicate that they are there, they can do what you want them to do but you've got to come knocking at their door. "Proactive marketing" means sending out letters and emails, knocking on doors and phoning people up at home. Yes, quite often the advance falls on deaf ears, but there are enough people at the right point in the "buying cycle" to make profit from the added expense. Sometimes, proactive marketers make people realise they are ready to buy when they have not even admitted it to themselves. For every 100 sales, 15 go to reactive marketers, 85 go to proactive marketers.
In the uncertain world of business, it pays to ask someone if they are interested, knowing most of the time it will not work out. And there's absolutely nothing you can do about it either. They may have bought last week or last month, they may not buy from proactive marketers, hell they may just not like you for whatever reason, but as a proactive marketer, you know you are going to be at least 6 times more successful than the guys who just wait for the phone to ring.
In the same way AFCs are terrified of rejection because they take it personally, "reactive marketers" are terrified of putting out because they don't know the methods involved and the business owner will take the rejection of his product or service personally. AFCs wait for the woman to approach, more often than not.
In sales, as with attraction, Stage Two works on a completely different set of principles from Stage One. In proactive marketing, your approach has to be right in order to get the customer ready to go to the next stage with you. In attraction, it is just the same.
When approaching, it does not pay to appear too keen on the result - unless she is really stupid, she will know why you are coming over anyway. The key is to use your body language to display approachability and indifference to the outcome. If you have overly-keen needy eye contact with the female, move across too quickly, visibly "tweak" your appearance in front of her as if to appear more attractive to the target, within her eyeline, this is all superfluous communication. It is not necessary to telegraph your intentions towards her because she already knows what they are.
Using superfluous non-verbal communication to the woman will convey over-eagerness (which she will interpret as desperation for her approval), insecurity (she thinks that you are looking for some approval to approach - not very manly) and lack of experience in communicating with women (she'll think that you should really know how to show yourself to a woman and because you don't, you won't make a very good lover). It strongly suggests a lack of belief in yourself. In proactive marketing, the execution has to be right. You have to communicate both verbally and non-verbally that you believe in yourself, what you are selling and the company you are working for - you've got to make it seem like approaching the customer is no big deal at all because you know that, even if you get a rejection, there'll be other buyers lining up around the block with their chequebooks ready.
Your approach and the non-verbal style will determine the start of Stage Three, the beginnings of verbal communication. Any positive impressions or attraction the woman has for you from Stage One can be amplified by a good, confident and non-needy display of body language from Stage Two, and can greatly smooth the beginnings of verbal communication. Any attraction from Stage One can also be sabotaged by a bad, non-verbal approach to the woman - nullifying any advantage you may have had.
STAGE THREE - the first words and the continued importance of body language
So, you've got this far. And you've not said a word. Depending on how well she views you in Stage One, and how well you've approached on Stage Two, you have some currency in her bank account. She is open to communication with you - she will give you some of her time to find out a little more about you.
Quite often, the fear in an AFC's mind when approaching a woman is that she will be thinking "What the hell does he want from me?" That's not actually true - she has already made up her mind about you, she has noticed your insecure body language and has decided she is not attracted to you. She knows what you want from her, so she doesn't ask herself that question. She can feel herself becoming uncomfortable, because she knows she is going to reject you. She's actually thinking "Oh my God. Why the hell has he chosen me?" The AFCness has already stopped in wheels in the machine - the attraction vehicle has been written off in a body language car crash.
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