darkstarrr
Senior Don Juan
- Joined
- Sep 5, 2008
- Messages
- 415
- Reaction score
- 13
I hope this thread can serve as a learning module for people like me who find this board before, during, or after experiencing the absolute devastation that I have.
3 months ago I started a thread on here (need help gf depressed treating me poorly) while I was in what turned out to be the last month of my relationship with what I like to refer to now as a sociopath. The feedback I received was so overwhelming and any words of gratitude I could come up with would serve as an injustice.
Odd, because even to this day I still struggle with certain things. For example, was the way my ex ended the relationship simply her way of creating distance - or was it much more than that - specifically an unravelling of her disgustingly disfunctional upbringing. I've heard very good arguments on here for both.
Regardless, the lesson to be learned is that it is a very important part of life to be as selective as possible when allowing an LTR to form with any female with a bad upbringing, especially where alcoholism and bad parenting were present. AFC or not, failure to do so can literally destroy your life.
Over the last 4-5 months of my LTR I realize now I was an emotional tampon, serving more as a therapist than a boyfriend. I remember times when it was a complete buzz kill; I was happy for one reason or another and the bad mood of my ex dragged me down like an emotional leach. Funny because in the end the excuses were suddenly all about me and not all the pathetic problems she had been complaining about during the 4 months prior. Apparently I didn't bring out the best in her as if I was supposed to be the fvcking solution to her pathetic world.
I am usually a completely normal, centered, and stable individual who got mixed up with the wrong b1tch and it cost me dearly. Take my word for it or read my thread on the subject for the details if you wish: one thing led to another and after a series of events I am here now during the first wee hours of 2009; reflecting on how I got here.
The sequence of events I am refering to caused me so much emotional turmoil I started having anxiety attacks. I realized I was isolated over time from my friends and famly. After a few weeks of that my diet and exercise regimine began to slip and next thing you know I was rapidly losing weight. The first therapist I started seeing didn't prescribe me an antidepressant and I'm not sure why because it sure would have helped.
To make a long story short, my blood sugar as all over the place and I ended up becoming hypoglycaemic to the point where my primary care physician ordered me to not go into work until I start improving. So, I've been on unpaid medical leave from work for about a month now, which is a good thing because if I had ben going this whole time I would have surely been canned by now.
So here I am. It's 2009. The worst Q4 of my life is over. I am emotionally destroyed. I feel like a surviving rape victim, but that's ok. I have no idea how I am going to afford my $2000 apartment, but that's ok. My credit is shot to hell, but that's ok. I am supposed to go back to work on Monday, and quite frankly I am not sure if I am mentally ready, but that's ok. Maybe I will go back to school again and collect unemployment. I'm not sure how I will get that funded but I am looking into my options. It would be nice to live in the dorms again. That would get my mind off things and a fresh start. Dining commons right outside.. gym in the same building... babes everywhere... take some fun random classes... I'm getting older but that's ok, I look young and I know I have it in me somewhere to feel young and productive again.
Maybe I'm beginning to ramble now, but that's ok too, because if I am that could just be a sign of PTSD, right? No need for anyone to answer that it was a rhetorical question.
So right after Thanksgiving my ex reopened her facebook account. You see, someone closed her account shortly after our breakup. Anyways, so she reopens the account and starts posting things on my friend's 'wall'. Weird because she didn't post any messages on any of our other friends' walls. My friend pormptly deleted the messages and her once he realizes who she was. So then after my birthday in the first week of December there were a couple babes who I had been getting to know who were posting messages on my wall. Mysteriously, shortly thereafter my ex's facebook account disappeared. She deleted it altogether. Very odd. Perhaps she was checking up on me and something she saw upst her and she just shut it down again. Well, now few nights ago I was on instant messenger and low and behold my ex signs on. I hadn't gotten around to removing her from my buddy list because I hadn't seen her online since the breakup. Her account is setup so you have to be on her list for you to see her online, and I knew she had blocked me; but weird, she apparently unblocked me for 5 minutes and then reblocked me or just unblocked me and signed off. What a childish highschool drama it sounds like, right?
Don't worry, I am not playing that mind game where I think overly into that any of that means, or if she will try to suddenly start contacting me outright. It would be nice though if she tried to come back begging on her knees.
In summary, as this new year begins, with all the destruction that has taken place in my life, one of the things that makes me really happy is how I had so many people provide me with feedback during my most difficult time, too many to even begin to name. Here is one example that helped me to understand that these things happen and that everything is going to be ok:
Thank you and Happy New Year.
3 months ago I started a thread on here (need help gf depressed treating me poorly) while I was in what turned out to be the last month of my relationship with what I like to refer to now as a sociopath. The feedback I received was so overwhelming and any words of gratitude I could come up with would serve as an injustice.
Odd, because even to this day I still struggle with certain things. For example, was the way my ex ended the relationship simply her way of creating distance - or was it much more than that - specifically an unravelling of her disgustingly disfunctional upbringing. I've heard very good arguments on here for both.
Regardless, the lesson to be learned is that it is a very important part of life to be as selective as possible when allowing an LTR to form with any female with a bad upbringing, especially where alcoholism and bad parenting were present. AFC or not, failure to do so can literally destroy your life.
Over the last 4-5 months of my LTR I realize now I was an emotional tampon, serving more as a therapist than a boyfriend. I remember times when it was a complete buzz kill; I was happy for one reason or another and the bad mood of my ex dragged me down like an emotional leach. Funny because in the end the excuses were suddenly all about me and not all the pathetic problems she had been complaining about during the 4 months prior. Apparently I didn't bring out the best in her as if I was supposed to be the fvcking solution to her pathetic world.
I am usually a completely normal, centered, and stable individual who got mixed up with the wrong b1tch and it cost me dearly. Take my word for it or read my thread on the subject for the details if you wish: one thing led to another and after a series of events I am here now during the first wee hours of 2009; reflecting on how I got here.
The sequence of events I am refering to caused me so much emotional turmoil I started having anxiety attacks. I realized I was isolated over time from my friends and famly. After a few weeks of that my diet and exercise regimine began to slip and next thing you know I was rapidly losing weight. The first therapist I started seeing didn't prescribe me an antidepressant and I'm not sure why because it sure would have helped.
To make a long story short, my blood sugar as all over the place and I ended up becoming hypoglycaemic to the point where my primary care physician ordered me to not go into work until I start improving. So, I've been on unpaid medical leave from work for about a month now, which is a good thing because if I had ben going this whole time I would have surely been canned by now.
So here I am. It's 2009. The worst Q4 of my life is over. I am emotionally destroyed. I feel like a surviving rape victim, but that's ok. I have no idea how I am going to afford my $2000 apartment, but that's ok. My credit is shot to hell, but that's ok. I am supposed to go back to work on Monday, and quite frankly I am not sure if I am mentally ready, but that's ok. Maybe I will go back to school again and collect unemployment. I'm not sure how I will get that funded but I am looking into my options. It would be nice to live in the dorms again. That would get my mind off things and a fresh start. Dining commons right outside.. gym in the same building... babes everywhere... take some fun random classes... I'm getting older but that's ok, I look young and I know I have it in me somewhere to feel young and productive again.
Maybe I'm beginning to ramble now, but that's ok too, because if I am that could just be a sign of PTSD, right? No need for anyone to answer that it was a rhetorical question.
So right after Thanksgiving my ex reopened her facebook account. You see, someone closed her account shortly after our breakup. Anyways, so she reopens the account and starts posting things on my friend's 'wall'. Weird because she didn't post any messages on any of our other friends' walls. My friend pormptly deleted the messages and her once he realizes who she was. So then after my birthday in the first week of December there were a couple babes who I had been getting to know who were posting messages on my wall. Mysteriously, shortly thereafter my ex's facebook account disappeared. She deleted it altogether. Very odd. Perhaps she was checking up on me and something she saw upst her and she just shut it down again. Well, now few nights ago I was on instant messenger and low and behold my ex signs on. I hadn't gotten around to removing her from my buddy list because I hadn't seen her online since the breakup. Her account is setup so you have to be on her list for you to see her online, and I knew she had blocked me; but weird, she apparently unblocked me for 5 minutes and then reblocked me or just unblocked me and signed off. What a childish highschool drama it sounds like, right?
Don't worry, I am not playing that mind game where I think overly into that any of that means, or if she will try to suddenly start contacting me outright. It would be nice though if she tried to come back begging on her knees.
In summary, as this new year begins, with all the destruction that has taken place in my life, one of the things that makes me really happy is how I had so many people provide me with feedback during my most difficult time, too many to even begin to name. Here is one example that helped me to understand that these things happen and that everything is going to be ok:
Thank you for reminding me that there are other people out there that experienced similar turmoil and pulled through. Thank you for pointing out that I am a good guy who really did try my best to do the right things. Thank you for helping me to see the train coming at me before I realized what was about to happen. And most of all, thank you for understanding that there are situations that perfectly normal people can encounter in life that can really fvck with their mind, and that it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me.DJDamage said:
Thank you and Happy New Year.
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