3 cases, same f*** up - where am I screwing things up?

[joker79]

Guys I need your advice.

Context: i want a LTR.I'm a normal guy, hitting the gym, very good job, funny and brilliant (george clooney style). I'm kind of people person, I like enjoying myself but I'm not a natural plate spinner or jerk.

Problem: in the last 1 e 1/2 year I met 3 girls, each of them getting out from a long and painful relationship (se they say). Once they got out, they contact me and we start dating quite quickly. No pressure, no hard feeling and good sex. Honestly I want things to evolve in a specific direction so I'm acting to create this, sometimes getting upset when they send mixed messages. And at this point, when I start seeing no clear intention or mixed messages from their side, that something happens and screws up everything. Once my intentions are clear they run away, throwing towards me ex-boyfriends, BS of every kind (i'm not ready for a relatioshsip...) and we start a push and pull that doesn't go anyware. Recently, in particular reading rollo's blog, i'm trying to cut all losses off but it's still painful as I think that all such three girls were a good match for me and I'm sure I was for them. These girls then get involved in a new relationship after few months and of course my thought is "WTF, now you want a LTR and when you had the opportunity with me you run away? Was that just a rebound relationship?"

Self assemen: I know lot of you will say "what an AFC". I partially agree but I'm working on myself. I think that, despite I'm really confident in my attitude, the message I'm sending is too clear and scares them off? Honestly I'm aware also that they do not need to work much to get something from myself but... isn't it a normal thing to give something in a relationship and clarly expecting something back? well, I'm getting quite nothing back, in contrast to early high interest stages in which I get dates and sex... but I can't really understand where i f*** up? Any help would be really appreciated so i can better manage next ones

 

[joker79]

Then how not to be a rebound and how can you understand if you're a rebound?

 

[joker79]

is this the only way? think it's a little bit extreme. Moreover, if you take it again at a extreme levels. would Brad Pitt or George Clooney in this situatuon be a rebound?

 

[rhythmic]

You can turn a rebound into an LTR fairly easily by keeping frame, because they're looking for something to cling to, but would you REALLY want to?

Granted, this is what most people do, drift from relationship to relationship without a sense of self, but you should be looking to pick up someone of higher quality, with reasonable stability in terms of her personal life.

 

[joker79]

I would tell you if I knew for sure.
Rhythmic is right but I'm not sure this is enough to keep her interest high when she starts running. Definitely, if something has to happen, it's in the long-term.. but my experience is that in the long term they prefer to start fresh with another one rather than going back to you as the feel guilty and know that they behaved poorly

 

[Kbomb]

You weren't attractive enough. Something in your actions and behaviors led these women to believe you were inferior stock. Rebounds don't matter if you are doing it right.

That being said pushing for a relationship is a sure sign of desperation. Never push, always let the girls do it for you.

 

[zinc4]

yep...obvious rebound...also the woman should always be the one aiming toward a relationship and trying to steer you that way...not the man...

 

[joker79]

I agree re pushing for a relationship, this was my mistake, so now I'm cutting anything off after a defined amount of time. The big hurdle is that you can't really understand if you're a rebound quickly until you go strong for a relationship and you get 1) accepted 2) rejected. If 2) than you understand that you're not going anywhere.

 

[Cremasta]

You're probably doing three things wrong here (two are definite, one is a guess on my part)

1. (Definite) You're hooking up with girls who have just come out of a relationship. Women usually have no idea what they want in normal circumstances, this is ten times worse.

2. (Definite) You're making your intentions 'clear'. Don't do this for at least 2-3 months, and only then if you're getting all the right buying signals from her.

3. (The Guess) You're spending time trying to 'fix' them and make them feel better about themselves because of their recent breakup. This is not your job. Just be the fun guy, don't be a shoulder to cry on.

Good luck!

 

[JoeMarron]

Stop expecting women fresh out of relationships to be a good match for you and stop making your intentions clear when it comes to relationships. A man should NEVER escalate the relationship beyond sex! If youre banging her consistently then behave as if youre satisfied with that regardless of your intentions. Never push for exclusivity, never ask her to be your gf etc. etc. Don't chase and don't push. If she's becoming distant you get even more distant.

 

[joker79]

I agree 100% guys but... how can you know if she gives at the beginnin clear and strong signs of interests? You should ask:

"Hey you just out from a LTR?" (and this is really weak)
"Yes"
"Goodbye then"

or am i too extreme?

 

[joker79]

@Cremasta:

1) nailed it
2) nailed it but I expect after 2-3 months to have clear signs from the girl I'm dating. If I'm not getting anything, I **** test her to get an answer and cut the losses if she's giving me the roundaround
3) nope

 

[MikeOck]

You shouldn't push for a relationship....EVER. If after a certain amount of time she hasn't pushed you for a relationship, then you move on and cut your losses or just continue enjoying the commitment free sex.

 

[Bokanovsky]

is this the only way? think it's a little bit extreme. Moreover, if you take it again at a extreme levels. would Brad Pitt or George Clooney in this situatuon be a rebound?

You are neither Brad Pitt nor George Clooney...so your question is rhetorical. The advice being given to you is solid. Chicks who have just broken up with their long-term boyfriends need to time to "recover" and get their sh*t together. While being in recovery mode, their relationships with men are usually of a rebound nature.

Is this an absolute rule? No. Is it true 90% of the time? Yes.

 

[Bokanovsky]

You shouldn't push for a relationship....EVER. If after a certain amount of time she hasn't pushed you for a relationship, then you move on and cut your losses or just continue enjoying the commitment free sex.

This is exactly right. Pushing for a relationship is the female prerogative. If a woman isn't pushing for a relationship herself, she does not see you as relationship material.

 

[vatoloco]

I think this reply might be good for you too.

 

[floydb25]

You shouldn't push for a relationship....EVER. If after a certain amount of time she hasn't pushed you for a relationship, then you move on and cut your losses or just continue enjoying the commitment free sex.

This. Even if you are a relationship guy, do NOT act relationshipy, let your intentions be known, show too much interest, etc. People want what they can't have; something of value they have to fight for. Even if your intentions are good - they won't view things the same way. They'll think you're desperate, have no options, can't attract anyone, need a relationship to be content, etc. Even if they are the same way; whine about how nice girls finish last; etc... it still doesn't turn them on when YOU act the same way. THEY still want someone of high value, who presents a challenge, etc.

It's retarded and confusing, but that's how it is. Even if you want a relationship - you still gotta play the game, and let them chase and try to get YOU to commit. Otherwise, they'll get bored, view you as too "easy" and predictable, and lose interest.

Follow their actions. As SOON as you do this, they lose interest. So, stop doing it... and keep doing what attracts them (ie, the opposite).

As backwards as it is, NOT showing interest in a relationship makes them want it more. That's the nature of attraction.

All you need to do is follow their actions and interest level. Everything else is fluff.