It’s been roughly 2 years since I’ve joined ss. I joined ss back in 2008 due to Borderline Personality Disorder relationship break-up which resulted in my PTSD. For a few months I regularly slept 3-5 hours daily, I smoked on average 1.5 packs of 100’s daily, I ate about the amount of a snack a day and only had one meal at most, I did not speak for more than 20 minutes a day, had no sex drive, was scared of having conversations with strangers and countless other things which I can’t recall at the moment.
ontop of all this my family business was given to my sister's boyfriend.
I was fired as a manager for(attemping to usurp control). the dumba$$ wasn't paying contractual fee's of course im going to stepin.
I lost all my income. my credit cards were maxed. i owed my friends over $1k.
Some background information on myself so the general audience can understand what I was like.
I’m a fairly decent looking guy imho. I would rate myself a 7 maybe as low as 6.5. im 5’11, and fit. I’ve always had girls tell me I’m attractive, cute, and hot.
My mind set:
Don’t fvck with me, I don’t give a sh1t who you are, in a respectful way. This has caused a lot of fights in my lifetime but in my defense I was one of those nice bada$$’s that never started sh!t. Once you step over the line I guarantee you will be scared. As a result of my personality I lost many guy friends that I have scared away and to this day have very few real friends which I don’t mind.
I’m also one of those AFC hopeless romantic types, looking for my princess type crap. Ever since I was a child I had the mindset of being with only one girl for the rest of my life but my dj guru friend unplugged me from the matrix. I still wish it could be that way (this probably stems from my undying loyalty) but I just don’t trust women.
Well right when I was being unplugged from the matrix and learning all this crap before ss from dj friend (who in my opinion is the best dj I’ve ever met in my life and should start his own business) I met this so called perfect girl.
Fast forward to the end where I get PTSD, the type of pain I went through I do not wish upon anyone. Not even my worst enemies. I’ve explained what I’ve went through a few time which I don’t do too much since I feel parts of the actual pain when I retell the tale. I see the reactions on my friends faces and I can already see that they get an understanding of what it would feel like.
After about 3 months of the PTSD wore off but I was still depressed. During my recovering time I learned the most about women. I learned a lot of this from my friend prior but it never really clicked until I actually calmed down and matured a little which stemmed from my depression. Also by joining ss and doing a lot of reading the combination really helped shape my next year.
As I stated earlier I WAS attractive. After the ptsd I lost 20 pounds due to stress. I kept to myself and rarely went out. SS therapy helped bring me back on track to try to get back in touch with the outside world more so than I was since people classify me as a loner. Slowly but steadily I build a new group of friends and with my new mature attitude, it became mixed of guys and girls.
This is the stage where I almost got raped 4 times.
Well during this time I was friendly but never really talkative. People talked and I would listen and just smile and mind my own business. I went with the flow added a few comments here and there to be friendly and just dozed off into space.
After going through the ptsd I realized that people really don’t want to hear your crap or how bad you’re doing. Even your true friends get tired of hearing it if its not life threatening. So I just plain out cut all that sh1t out. I just stopped complaining. Not because I wanted to but because I didn’t feel like bothering anyone anymore.
But by doing this, it really increased the attention I received from women.
“Hey are you tired, I heard you didn’t get any sleep lately.” My response would be something along the lines of “haha really?”
I never really answered the question but at the same time I responded.
Also during this time I realized talking sh1t or beefing yourself up or talking other people down really was pointless. It also brings un-needed attention such as drama or fake people.
I remember this girl asked me about this one really weird annoying kid I went to hs with that was in our college. No one liked him, I didn’t like him but I was tired of talking sh1t.
She asked if I thought he was weird.
“he’s just another guy. I don’t really look into if he’s weird or not.”
Then she would go on and give examples of why he’s weird and annoying and I would respond with something like:
“well, we’re all different in our own way. I’m sure if you looked at me from afar I’d be weird too. We’re all just people living life the best way we see fit and I don’t really judge people for that.”
I remember her response for this:
“wow. You’re so nice.”
Some of you may think this is a bad response but frankly at that time…. I didn’t give a sh1t about anything.
After I answered a question that I was forced to answer I just went back to my own business.
One night after two of my friends came and visited me at work I got into a fight. One of my friends left with another group and the other stayed with me. I dropped him off and he almost got jumped by some guy. I ended defending him and also getting arrested later on a few months later. The next day, the same friend I defended had a performance. The other friend which was a girl that came the night before was also coming to watch the performance with her friend. My hand was all bruised up from the fight. I didn’t want to make a deal out of it so I came with a hoody and instead of wearing the hoody I used my bruised hand to hold the hoody so no one would notice.
I did this because I didn’t want to make a big deal out of the situation and I didn’t want anyone feeling at fault. Apparently she knew about the fight since the performing friend told her. I also called a few friends after the fight because I needed somewhere to patch up my cuts. I called her but she didn’t answer.
Naturally girls like gossip. I didn’t mention anything about it during the performance and never took the hoody off my arm which normally would not have been noticed. She eventually asked me why I called her last night and apologized for missing the call. I told her it was nothing big and just wanted to see if she got home alright. Then she goes is that it? I responded with, is there supposed to be anything else? With a half smiling and half serious attitude as if I was confused. She tried for another hour trying to get me to spill the beans until she realizes I’m not giving in and asked if I got into a fight and whether I was okay or not.
I also never asked for the girls phone numbers, they always got mine eventually. They asked me out 3 to 4 times before I even asked them out once. I’ve even had girls fight over my passively by pulling me with them or straight out give other girls the death stare. Sometimes I pretended to be oblivious and sometimes I pretended to not care.
Girls have tried to talk to other guys to get more attention from me, this one girl had 3 guys talking to her at once and later when I returned she asked me why I left her. I just responded I didn’t know she wanted me to stay.
I have been locked in a girls bedroom where she made it look like an accident, I have been forcibly pushed into a bathroom, I have had an incident where I was told to sleep in a spare room and that nothing would happen to me(she was the only other person in the apartment).
The thing is I never went after girls in these situations. They just were attracted to me, most likely because of the way I acted. This also did not attract just any girl. These girls had to have had associations with me or hung out with me recently.
I’m writing this post because I have fully recovered some my ptsd. I am pretty happy and jolly. Everything is going right except for the fact that I am apparently not as charming as before. I’ve also realized im back to my natural childish self. I’m no longer possess the maturity I had a year ago and I’m different. I’m a lot more selfish this is because im more guarded since the ptsd I believe.
All the women I have been involved with have either given up or lost interest. Im glad that I feel recovered but I wish I could have maintained my self control and maturity which I am having a lot of trouble with right now.
This is just a rant since i havent posted anything significant in a long time. This also recaps my last two years for myself to see what i was like as well.
aaagent
on the plus side ive paid off almost all my debts besides school loans.
I've gotten a job in one of the worst economy's with a sh1t a$$ GPA.
I final'd in a business plan concept competition.
I'm moving out end of this month.
no longer stressed.
got back in shape again at 165 pounds benching 205 flat bench (75%) of what i was at.
working towards getting a bike in a few months.
almost done with my court case.
ontop of all this my family business was given to my sister's boyfriend.
I was fired as a manager for(attemping to usurp control). the dumba$$ wasn't paying contractual fee's of course im going to stepin.
I lost all my income. my credit cards were maxed. i owed my friends over $1k.
Some background information on myself so the general audience can understand what I was like.
I’m a fairly decent looking guy imho. I would rate myself a 7 maybe as low as 6.5. im 5’11, and fit. I’ve always had girls tell me I’m attractive, cute, and hot.
My mind set:
Don’t fvck with me, I don’t give a sh1t who you are, in a respectful way. This has caused a lot of fights in my lifetime but in my defense I was one of those nice bada$$’s that never started sh!t. Once you step over the line I guarantee you will be scared. As a result of my personality I lost many guy friends that I have scared away and to this day have very few real friends which I don’t mind.
I’m also one of those AFC hopeless romantic types, looking for my princess type crap. Ever since I was a child I had the mindset of being with only one girl for the rest of my life but my dj guru friend unplugged me from the matrix. I still wish it could be that way (this probably stems from my undying loyalty) but I just don’t trust women.
Well right when I was being unplugged from the matrix and learning all this crap before ss from dj friend (who in my opinion is the best dj I’ve ever met in my life and should start his own business) I met this so called perfect girl.
Fast forward to the end where I get PTSD, the type of pain I went through I do not wish upon anyone. Not even my worst enemies. I’ve explained what I’ve went through a few time which I don’t do too much since I feel parts of the actual pain when I retell the tale. I see the reactions on my friends faces and I can already see that they get an understanding of what it would feel like.
After about 3 months of the PTSD wore off but I was still depressed. During my recovering time I learned the most about women. I learned a lot of this from my friend prior but it never really clicked until I actually calmed down and matured a little which stemmed from my depression. Also by joining ss and doing a lot of reading the combination really helped shape my next year.
As I stated earlier I WAS attractive. After the ptsd I lost 20 pounds due to stress. I kept to myself and rarely went out. SS therapy helped bring me back on track to try to get back in touch with the outside world more so than I was since people classify me as a loner. Slowly but steadily I build a new group of friends and with my new mature attitude, it became mixed of guys and girls.
This is the stage where I almost got raped 4 times.
Well during this time I was friendly but never really talkative. People talked and I would listen and just smile and mind my own business. I went with the flow added a few comments here and there to be friendly and just dozed off into space.
After going through the ptsd I realized that people really don’t want to hear your crap or how bad you’re doing. Even your true friends get tired of hearing it if its not life threatening. So I just plain out cut all that sh1t out. I just stopped complaining. Not because I wanted to but because I didn’t feel like bothering anyone anymore.
But by doing this, it really increased the attention I received from women.
“Hey are you tired, I heard you didn’t get any sleep lately.” My response would be something along the lines of “haha really?”
I never really answered the question but at the same time I responded.
Also during this time I realized talking sh1t or beefing yourself up or talking other people down really was pointless. It also brings un-needed attention such as drama or fake people.
I remember this girl asked me about this one really weird annoying kid I went to hs with that was in our college. No one liked him, I didn’t like him but I was tired of talking sh1t.
She asked if I thought he was weird.
“he’s just another guy. I don’t really look into if he’s weird or not.”
Then she would go on and give examples of why he’s weird and annoying and I would respond with something like:
“well, we’re all different in our own way. I’m sure if you looked at me from afar I’d be weird too. We’re all just people living life the best way we see fit and I don’t really judge people for that.”
I remember her response for this:
“wow. You’re so nice.”
Some of you may think this is a bad response but frankly at that time…. I didn’t give a sh1t about anything.
After I answered a question that I was forced to answer I just went back to my own business.
One night after two of my friends came and visited me at work I got into a fight. One of my friends left with another group and the other stayed with me. I dropped him off and he almost got jumped by some guy. I ended defending him and also getting arrested later on a few months later. The next day, the same friend I defended had a performance. The other friend which was a girl that came the night before was also coming to watch the performance with her friend. My hand was all bruised up from the fight. I didn’t want to make a deal out of it so I came with a hoody and instead of wearing the hoody I used my bruised hand to hold the hoody so no one would notice.
I did this because I didn’t want to make a big deal out of the situation and I didn’t want anyone feeling at fault. Apparently she knew about the fight since the performing friend told her. I also called a few friends after the fight because I needed somewhere to patch up my cuts. I called her but she didn’t answer.
Naturally girls like gossip. I didn’t mention anything about it during the performance and never took the hoody off my arm which normally would not have been noticed. She eventually asked me why I called her last night and apologized for missing the call. I told her it was nothing big and just wanted to see if she got home alright. Then she goes is that it? I responded with, is there supposed to be anything else? With a half smiling and half serious attitude as if I was confused. She tried for another hour trying to get me to spill the beans until she realizes I’m not giving in and asked if I got into a fight and whether I was okay or not.
I also never asked for the girls phone numbers, they always got mine eventually. They asked me out 3 to 4 times before I even asked them out once. I’ve even had girls fight over my passively by pulling me with them or straight out give other girls the death stare. Sometimes I pretended to be oblivious and sometimes I pretended to not care.
Girls have tried to talk to other guys to get more attention from me, this one girl had 3 guys talking to her at once and later when I returned she asked me why I left her. I just responded I didn’t know she wanted me to stay.
I have been locked in a girls bedroom where she made it look like an accident, I have been forcibly pushed into a bathroom, I have had an incident where I was told to sleep in a spare room and that nothing would happen to me(she was the only other person in the apartment).
The thing is I never went after girls in these situations. They just were attracted to me, most likely because of the way I acted. This also did not attract just any girl. These girls had to have had associations with me or hung out with me recently.
I’m writing this post because I have fully recovered some my ptsd. I am pretty happy and jolly. Everything is going right except for the fact that I am apparently not as charming as before. I’ve also realized im back to my natural childish self. I’m no longer possess the maturity I had a year ago and I’m different. I’m a lot more selfish this is because im more guarded since the ptsd I believe.
All the women I have been involved with have either given up or lost interest. Im glad that I feel recovered but I wish I could have maintained my self control and maturity which I am having a lot of trouble with right now.
This is just a rant since i havent posted anything significant in a long time. This also recaps my last two years for myself to see what i was like as well.
aaagent
on the plus side ive paid off almost all my debts besides school loans.
I've gotten a job in one of the worst economy's with a sh1t a$$ GPA.
I final'd in a business plan concept competition.
I'm moving out end of this month.
no longer stressed.
got back in shape again at 165 pounds benching 205 flat bench (75%) of what i was at.
working towards getting a bike in a few months.
almost done with my court case.