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10 years at SoSuave

Die Hard

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Just over 10 years ago since I registered here. Seems like a good moment to reflect. So where do I stand with all this?

  • Women and the quest to attract them, it's all just a reflection of my inner struggle which originates from a messed up childhood.
  • It's all about validation. Example: Met a girl a while ago and we had such strong chemistry, amazing! Next day I texted her, she responded very positively, expressing that she too felt that amazing chemistry and this all went on for a while.
I noticed how all this affected me. I felt great joy, great happiness, so much energy, full of life, like riding a wave, everything in life felt good. Girl turned out to be........I dunno, crazy.... Very impulsive, emotionally messed up, blahblah. Eventually things went sour between us and it's for the better, she's no good. So in hindsight: This girl was no good catch at all, but nevertheless that emotional high she gave me was sensational!! What's that about? Because if she's not special, then why did she cause a special feeling inside of me?

It's all projection. She was quite pretty, 15 years younger, VERY feminine and girly, and she was very much into me. In other words, I got validation from a very attractive, young girl. Apparently that's enough to make me feel like I'm on top of the world.....
What is it we're looking for with women anyway? I guess this.... Validation. If it's not that, than what else do they have to offer? Sex.... Well, sex is overrated. How do you feel about jerking off? Is that special? No, it's just something you do whenever you want, and when you're done, you don't feel like anything special took place right? Well, sex is just masturbation where you substitute your hand with a pvssy. So there's nothing special about that either.
Or imagine having sex with one of those super realistic sex dolls they got nowadays. Looks and feels just like a superhot girl! So why don't we all buy one of those and forget about real girls?

This all tells us that it's not just about the physical act of having sex. We desire more from women. We want them to like us, we want to feel liked, we want to feel loved, we want to feel needed, we want to feel praised blahblah. When a beautiful woman likes you, it makes you feel great. It's validation, it makes you feel good about yourself. You want her to like you, you want her to act nice to you, you want her to say nice and positive things to you, you want her to show to you that she finds you attractive (and her giving you sex is the ultimate sign that she finds you attractive!)

Even when it's supposedly just about the sex, you're looking for something more. Sex is submission, even if you think it's just about your c0ck and its need, it's always more than that. Kissing, caressing, holding each other's hands, making eye contact, pressing your heads against each other, rubbing and stroking each other's skin, it may all be under the disguise of some neanderthal urge to just fvck her brains out (which supposedly has nothing to with emotions). But all those things you do are absolutely emotional and a whole lot is going on with you emotionally, whether you decide to acknowledge it or not.
Of course there's a difference between "making love" or simple sex. But even when you're having simple sex, there's all kinds of emotional stuff happening, whether you like to admit it to yourself or not.

So what am I getting at? That it's all emotional. Women have an emotional effect on us, whether it's through just talking to them and getting validation from interacting with them, or through having sex with them, it all has to do with emotions. Whether you admit this to yourself or not is a separate matter, it doesn't change the facts. Our interactions with women have to do with emotions.

The next step in the equation is your childhood interactions with your parents, especially your mother. Your relationship with her and the interactions with her form a blueprint. Later in life, you apply that blueprint on the women you interact with. Everything's a subconscious repeat of past interactions, the same patterns repeat themselves, the same feelings, expectations and disappointments you experienced with your mother are projected onto the women you interact with later on in life.

Women and our interactions with them are just a mirror. It all mirrors your inner state, the inner state you ended up with as a result of your upbringing. No one really had a perfect upbringing, no parent is perfect, therefor we all have shortcomings in our inner state. Women and our interactions with them activate those shortcomings, they come to the surface so to speak. Those shortcomings are not CAUSED by the women, they were always there inside of you, the women just bring them to the surface.

When you were a baby and mommy was standing over your crib talking sweet and smiling at you, you felt happy. Then when she walked away and was out of sight, you started to cry. Gone was gone, you couldn't even understand that she still existed even though she was out of sight. The moment she wasn't visible, you thought she actually didn't EXIST anymore (read up on object constancy/object permanence). Result: great unrest and emotional chaos inside of you.

That same feeling is activated now when your girlfriend breaks up with you.

Again, just projection of past experiences. Same goes for that blissful feeling baby-you had when mommy was talking sweet and smiling at you. If you like a woman and she smiles at you or talks sweet at you, you just re-live the same experience and feel the same feeling that baby-you experienced. It's all projection of past experiences, period, none of us can escape this. When you were born, the doctor put you in your mother's arms and you laid on your mother's chest. And so you laid with her for many thousands of times throughout those first years. Whatever baby-you felt at that time with regards to your mother (security, symbiosis, emotional rest, safety, whatever) becomes activated when you banged your girl's brains out and then cuddle up with her in bed. Convenienty, many of us guys try to escape that by putting on our clothes and going home right after blowing our load. Doesn't feel right, makes us feel weak and vulnerable. Who wants to feel like the weak, vulnerable helpless baby he once was, right?

Food for thought.
 
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Die Hard

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PART TWO:

When a woman breaks up with you, you miss her like crazy. It feels like she's so special, you can't feel okay without her. Bullshyt, she's not special. She just activated that feeling you had when mommy walked away from your crib. Or when 5 year old you was in a big warehouse with mommy and suddenly couldn't find her anymore. See those little kids at IKEA or attraction parks when they lost their parents? Pure panic, crying, total emotional chaos. Same shyt gets activated when your girl breaks up with you. Doesn't mean she's special, she just activated that shyt that was already inside of you.

Long story short, women and our interactions with them are all just a reflection of what's inside of us. What's inside of us is REAL and what's inside of us MATTERS. The women don't.

The more I focus on what's inside of me, the more I realize that that's the only thing that's truly important in life: Me and my evolvement as a human being. My youth was particularly nasty, I have a lot of demons inside of me as a result. Back to my example at the beginning of this post: That girl made me feel so good, so full of life, so joyful. Now she's gone and I'm alone with my demons again. But she's not special, she just activated those blissful, happy feelings inside of me. Those positive feelings were not CAUSED by her, they were always there inside of me and she just ACTIVATED them.

Same feelings get acitvated when you're an artist or a sports star delivering a spectacular performance in a stadium in front of a huge crowd. Look at a fighter winning his first UFC title... Such bliss, total emotion, breaking down and falling to the floor in tears. It all has to do with validation. Whether it's the thousands of people who are in awe of your performance which gives you validation, or the mere fact that you are now the best in the world (inner validation, your own realization that you are now the best in the world and have accomplished that which you have worked so hard for all those years, whether any crowd witnessed it or not). Deep down, it's all some sort of activation of a blissful experience from the past.

Perhaps daddy was never very proud of you as a child and you were always looking for his validation. The moments you achieve great things in life, you may feel like you're finally getting that validation you wanted from him.
So perhaps that validation you now experience is simply a belated experience you've been looking for since your childhood. You wanted it then from mommy or daddy, but you're just now finally gettting it. And probably the validation you were looking for as a child, was simply a repetition of an even earlier experience. Everytime the child-you made a nice drawing and your parents told you how beautiful it was, everytime you did something and your parents complimented you, you felt like you were on top of the world. The same feeling gets activated now when you accomplish something great or...........had a great date with a beautiful woman.

Anyhow, even those compliments of your parents when you were a child activated something which was already inside of you. There's an internal imprint of "happiness" inside of you, which probably even leads back to the moment you were in your mother's womb and experienced a feeling of total bliss and happiness. The emotional imprint inside of you was already formed back then, and it just gets triggered by external experiences throughout your life. Again, those external factors are not the CAUSE of the happy feeling, they just activate the emotional imprint to which the happy feelings are linked.

So those internal imprints can be unlocked by different kinds of external experiences, but I believe it's also possible to unlock them from within, simply by the power of your mind. At the moment, I'd rather focus on finding the key to that than finding the key to a woman's heart (or her pvssy).

Actually, I hate to speak in general terms, everyone's different. But personally, I am missing something inside and even though women can fill up that gap, I know it's only a substitute for the real thing. Suppose you find that unicorn girl: she looks great, great sex, great humor, same interests, she supports you in life, she respects you, she is faithful, she has the same values as you etc. Most guys have given up on that idea so lucky you, you won the lottery, right? Now imagine she gets hit by a car and dies.... Then what?

There must be a source of happiness inside of you, regardless of your succes with women. So better make finding that source your main focus in life, and make succes with women a secondary focus in life.
 

diogenes84

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quite a nice resumé you came up with there. thx for sharing!
I agree with many of the explanations, roots, causes etc. you mentioned.

"The next step in the equation is your childhood interactions with your parents, especially your mother. Your relationship with her and the interactions with her form a blueprint. Later in life, you apply that blueprint on the women you interact with. Everything's a subconscious repeat of past interactions, the same patterns repeat themselves, the same feelings, expectations and disappointments you experienced with your mother are projected onto the women you interact with later on in life "

what I disagree with though is your conclusion and the fatality derived from it: your realizing it is already the first step of changing it.
Thx to neuronal plasticity you CAN change your habits, way of thinking and thus your emotions, feelings and general attitude towards life.
And you can break out of these cycles of the past, be it through meditation (try tarabrach.com) , talking to your good friends, therapy or maybe going of one some sabbatical of any sort.

edit: read Erich Fromm "The art of loving" if you haven't done so already. Its short, precise and not nearly as cheesy as it sounds. and feel free to PM. Your search seems like what I was looking for 2 years ago and I am confident to have found at least a pathway to this source of happiness (or rather contentment, cuz if you would feel happy all the time and never sad you wouldnt even notice as things become noticeable through contrast)
 
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Die Hard

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quite a nice resumé you came up with there. thx for sharing!
I agree with many of the explanations, roots, causes etc. you mentioned.

"The next step in the equation is your childhood interactions with your parents, especially your mother. Your relationship with her and the interactions with her form a blueprint. Later in life, you apply that blueprint on the women you interact with. Everything's a subconscious repeat of past interactions, the same patterns repeat themselves, the same feelings, expectations and disappointments you experienced with your mother are projected onto the women you interact with later on in life "

what I disagree with though is your conclusion and the fatality derived from it: your realizing it is already the first step of changing it.
Thx to neuronal plasticity you CAN change your habits, way of thinking and thus your emotions, feelings and general attitude towards life.
And you can break out of these cycles of the past, be it through meditation (try tarabrach.com) , talking to your good friends, therapy or maybe going of one some sabbatical of any sort.

edit: read Erich Fromm "The art of loving" if you haven't done so already. Its short, precise and not nearly as cheesy as it sounds. and feel free to PM. Your search seems like what I was looking for 2 years ago and I am confident to have found at least a pathway to this source of happiness (or rather contentment, cuz if you would feel happy all the time and never sad you wouldnt even notice as things become noticeable through contrast)
Thanks for that suggestion, I've been reading from the book and it does a lot for me!

Nowadays, I really can't be bothered with girls who have nothing to offer but a beautiful face/body. I meet lots of girls age 20-25 in my social life, and they're all so far beneath me in personal development, maturity, inner growth etc. I look at them as children, lol. I could have my fun with them, some send clear signals and purposely try to make things easy for me to pick them up. But I really am not interested, I feel disconnected from them and therefor I don't want sex from them either, even though they look fvcking hot. How ironic life is.... Tried for years to be succesful with them but now that I'm old and experienced enough to pick them up with ease (well, relative ease), I'm also old and experienced enough to know that they can't offer me what I desire.
Actually, I'm realizing that no woman can really give me what I want, as that is something I must give to myself (love, happiness, inner peace). I'm focused on myself and creating happiness inside of me, so women are not really that interesting anymore. Met two different girls this weekend, just during "daily life" and they both showed high interest. Didn't even feel the need to get their number, just enjoyed the interaction with them and left it at that.

Life is weird....
 

Black Widow Void

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@Die Hard

It's refreshing (and welcomed) to read from an intelligent and introspective forum member.
Having also grown up with a lot of family dysfunction, I find myself constantly 'un-weaving' that old tapestry - or at least trying to make some sense of it.
You articulated this far better than I, and also provided some new insights.

Thanks.
 
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stormrider

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Validation becomes important when you lack masculine energy of having some overarching purpose.

But when you use all of your masculine energy to chase after your purpose, you actually become sick of validation.

I like to use the analogy Of taking off into space.

At first the astronaut thinks that the earth is down and the sun is up. But as soon as the space ship escapes the earth’s atmosphere, the astronauts suddenly realize that the sun is to the left and the earth is up!

Right now you are stuck in women’s atmosphere so it seems like you need their validation. But once you ascend upwards towards masculinity and past their gravitational pull, you will realize that it was just an illusion. A mind trick.

Once you are grounded in masculine energy, you will suddenly realize it is you who is the source of validation and not women.
 

LARaiders85

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Validation becomes important when you lack masculine energy of having some overarching purpose.

But when you use all of your masculine energy to chase after your purpose, you actually become sick of validation.

I like to use the analogy Of taking off into space.

At first the astronaut thinks that the earth is down and the sun is up. But as soon as the space ship escapes the earth’s atmosphere, the astronauts suddenly realize that the sun is to the left and the earth is up!

Right now you are stuck in women’s atmosphere so it seems like you need their validation. But once you ascend upwards towards masculinity and past their gravitational pull, you will realize that it was just an illusion. A mind trick.

Once you are grounded in masculine energy, you will suddenly realize it is you who is the source of validation and not women.
We can all remember childhood before we had a sex drive and women's validation was not a consideration at all.
 

synecdoche

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Validation becomes important when you lack masculine energy of having some overarching purpose.

But when you use all of your masculine energy to chase after your purpose, you actually become sick of validation.

I like to use the analogy Of taking off into space.

At first the astronaut thinks that the earth is down and the sun is up. But as soon as the space ship escapes the earth’s atmosphere, the astronauts suddenly realize that the sun is to the left and the earth is up!

Right now you are stuck in women’s atmosphere so it seems like you need their validation. But once you ascend upwards towards masculinity and past their gravitational pull, you will realize that it was just an illusion. A mind trick.

Once you are grounded in masculine energy, you will suddenly realize it is you who is the source of validation and not women.
In some posts you say you are a source infinite validation to women, could you explain this a bit more? I can't imagine that you go around and validate women all the time, I would suspect you let them chase your validation but you aint givin it, or am I seeing this wrong?
 
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Tuan

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Thanks for that suggestion, I've been reading from the book and it does a lot for me!

Nowadays, I really can't be bothered with girls who have nothing to offer but a beautiful face/body. I meet lots of girls age 20-25 in my social life, and they're all so far beneath me in personal development, maturity, inner growth etc. I look at them as children, lol. I could have my fun with them, some send clear signals and purposely try to make things easy for me to pick them up. But I really am not interested, I feel disconnected from them and therefor I don't want sex from them either, even though they look fvcking hot. How ironic life is.... Tried for years to be succesful with them but now that I'm old and experienced enough to pick them up with ease (well, relative ease), I'm also old and experienced enough to know that they can't offer me what I desire.
Actually, I'm realizing that no woman can really give me what I want, as that is something I must give to myself (love, happiness, inner peace). I'm focused on myself and creating happiness inside of me, so women are not really that interesting anymore. Met two different girls this weekend, just during "daily life" and they both showed high interest. Didn't even feel the need to get their number, just enjoyed the interaction with them and left it at that.

Life is weird....
Do you think it's better to have interactions with women in their 30s, who are more mature and can be on the same level, thus you find more interesting than women in their 20s?
 

stormrider

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In some posts you say you are a source infinite validation to women, could you explain this a bit more? I can't imagine that you go around and validate women all the time, I would suspect you let them chase your validation but you aint givin it, or am I seeing this wrong?
What I mean is most guys view women as the source of validation. I simply reverse the frame and put myself as the prize. As the prize only you can validate/dismiss people. Women's validation/de-validation is irrelevant.

The name of the game is basically who's going to fall into the other's frame?

Game and calibration is rendered completely useless and unnecessary because women are framed as having to impress you, and not the other way around.
 

mrgoodstuff

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What I mean is most guys view women as the source of validation. I simply reverse the frame and put myself as the prize. As the prize only you can validate/dismiss people. Women's validation/de-validation is irrelevant.

The name of the game is basically who's going to fall into the other's frame?

Game and calibration is rendered completely useless and unnecessary because women are framed as having to impress you, and not the other way around.
They will submit to your frame and have tricks to spin it.
 

stormrider

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We can all remember childhood before we had a sex drive and women's validation was not a consideration at all.
I honestly think this is one of my most important posts ever. But because no one reacted to it, know now what level most guys are at. I’ll see you guys in ten years when it all makes sense.
 

stormrider

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They will submit to your frame and have tricks to spin it.
Even when Women attempt to play frame games with me, I Know they are stuck in my frame. They had to react and try to neg me to knock me off my pedestal, while all I did was simply showed up. That’s how subtle the game is. It is won on first impression.

Anyone who thinks otherwise is an amateur.
 
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MrAddiction

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Great post man. Have kinda experienced you processing/ journey through your posts - been here since 2008.
It is very insightful and on top nice to read a quality post that not has the narcisisstic „I am am the best - all others are ****“ attitude that a lot posts reak ourdays.
Keep onto your journey!
 

Focal core

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When a woman breaks up with you, you miss her like crazy. It feels like she's so special, you can't feel okay without her. Bullshyt, she's not special. She just activated that feeling you had when mommy walked away from your crib. Or when 5 year old you was in a big warehouse with mommy and suddenly couldn't find her anymore. See those little kids at IKEA or attraction parks when they lost their parents? Pure panic, crying, total emotional chaos. Same shyt gets activated when your girl breaks up with you. Doesn't mean she's special, she just activated that shyt that was already inside of you.

Very accurate.. Im impressed.. Good job
 
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