Hey,

Well, here's the situation: We're both 25, but this is my first relationship. All through highschool and college I had self-confidence issues that I have began to work out.

I started to get into the dating game after a few quick (a few weeks of) relationships. So about 5 months ago I started dating online girls.

I met this girl 5 months (in person after talking 1 week online) ago that I'm in a relationship now with. We hit it off well on our first date, but her looks didn't impress me, but her personality did. We both were virgins and lost our viginity together. This perhaps could have led to an increased level of attachment between us, but I could clearly tell she was into me more than I was into her.

Now after the months went on, we started to see each other more, the parents, etc. and go on two mini vacations. Things go great when we're together.

Here's the part I don't understand and am seeking to get some good responses from the more experienced: Although I have become more attracted to her, looks-wise, I still look at other girls on the streets here in NYC. Sometimes I think why I'm even in a relationship at all, when there are so many girls in this city who are much better looking, and with me and my busy schedule why commit the time to a relationship now?

It feels like I'm too attached to her and her AMAZING personality but her looks still, at times, turn me away doubting myself.

So, in your opinions is this enough to drop her now after 5 months and realized I've lost such a great girl in hopes of finding the complete package? I know some of you may say that why didn't you go for the complete package initially? Well, I never had a relationship past 2 months before, and I had to get into the game again. She is not hideous. Just very plain looking and about a 5 on a scale of 10. Sometimes she can look a little more than a 5, sometimes a little less, so I avg at the 5.

Advice?

Thx,
- T

Here are my thoughts, take them or leave them:

Seeing that you were just beginning to get your game together, I think you went in for a relationship too early. I would have seen many girls for some time, both to learn more about how to interact with girls on another level, and to satisfy the need your greedy eyes are targeted on . It's just a fact that guys are very attracted to looks, so why not look for a girl that is really hot AND has a great personality?

My advice is to talk to your girlfriend and tell her how you feel, make it as painless for her as you can, and then move on.

Originally posted by IncognitoVI
Here are my thoughts, take them or leave them:

Seeing that you were just beginning to get your game together, I think you went in for a relationship too early. I would have seen many girls for some time, both to learn more about how to interact with girls on another level, and to satisfy the need your greedy eyes are targeted on . It's just a fact that guys are very attracted to looks, so why not look for a girl that is really hot AND has a great personality?

My advice is to talk to your girlfriend and tell her how you feel, make it as painless for her as you can, and then move on.

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I totally understand your view. The reason I'm caught here is, again:
- because she has an amazing personality but very plain looks, which can at times be not attractive (and other times, slightly above average)
- she made me more secure about myself and how to deal with women
- we get along great together

I was at first unsure of a relationship with her but the losing virginity and great, amazing fun times spent together changed that. But now after 5 months, just to just dump her beacuse of looks , while everything else is great, makes me feel bad...

Interesting post.

My take would be that attraction just isn't there. W/O attraction, she's just a 'friend' until you find something better.

For the sake of this ugly girl and your conscience, break this thing off now before it gets any more involved.

I have never heard of anyone nor have I myself experienced being MORE attracted to a person's LOOKS over time. That is something that I just don't think happens unless s/he goes through drastic changes.

Well when I first met her I was NOT attracted to her.

She kino-d me on the first date, and her nice personality and the kino drew me in. Over the first few dates I became more attracted to her. As we became more intimate and lost virginity I became more attached and perhaps it was due to the losing of virginity. But she seemed just average looks wise to me and who knows how much higher that will be over time.

It seems like I'm throwing everything out just because of a very plain looking face, and chubby body (but the face is much more of a trouble to me that any chubbiness).

Looks are hard to overlook

I've never met any woman with an amazing personality, just extraverts, introverts, neurotics, sociopaths etc.

Your problem is that eventually you will get curious. And when that happens you will end up having sex with someone else and then your current GF will get unhappy about it, etc. You're already looking around.

As a man you have an inbuilt tendency to want to be fair, and since she has caused you no offence, you don't want to break it off. OK, I suggest that you discreetly sample some other products. If you don't like what you find, just keep your co-exvirgin friend.

Re: Looks are hard to overlook

Originally posted by ElChoclo
I've never met any woman with an amazing personality, just extraverts, introverts, neurotics, sociopaths etc.

Your problem is that eventually you will get curious. And when that happens you will end up having sex with someone else and then your current GF will get unhappy about it, etc. You're already looking around.

As a man you have an inbuilt tendency to want to be fair, and since she has caused you no offence, you don't want to break it off. OK, I suggest that you discreetly sample some other products. If you don't like what you find, just keep your co-exvirgin friend.

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Would taking a break for about a month and telling her it's a break, if I miss her and then after the 1 month, get back together. Otherwise, don't. Sampling during that time may or may not happen...

Originally posted by TheTraveller
Well when I first met her I was NOT attracted to her.

She kino-d me on the first date, and her nice personality and the kino drew me in. Over the first few dates I became more attracted to her. As we became more intimate and lost virginity I became more attached and perhaps it was due to the losing of virginity. But she seemed just average looks wise to me and who knows how much higher that will be over time.

It seems like I'm throwing everything out just because of a very plain looking face, and chubby body (but the face is much more of a trouble to me that any chubbiness).

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Oh man, I am about to throw up with this description of her.

Got a pic of this ?

If not, what # is she?

If you can't even lie about her appearance on the internet where others will judge you simply on your words, then I don't think you can 'lie' to yourself over time regarding your real feelings for her.

Odds are, you can do better. She probably will never be able to.

No need to take a break. You can sample concurrently. Time management might be something which you can't handle too well, but it's definitely a skill. You only have one Friday and Saturday night in a week.

Originally posted by IronFar
Oh man, I am about to throw up with this description of her.

Got a pic of this ?

If not, what # is she?

If you can't even lie about her appearance on the internet where others will judge you simply on your words, then I don't think you can 'lie' to yourself over time regarding your real feelings for her.

Odds are, you can do better. She probably will never be able to.

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Well, she's average looking. At times, not attractive to me and other times she is. She's short but chubby. That does NOT bother me. Her plain looks, at times, do bother me.

If I met her when I was ready to settle down, then things may be different. But I feel like I need to experience more girls too. Cheating seems simply wrong.

Dont dump her. **** some others and see if You really wanna sweep.

Originally posted by MightyMate
Dont dump her. **** some others and see if You really wanna sweep.

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Makes sense from my perspective. But then if I realized she was the best of the lot, I'd have to live with me cheating on her. Who says that's good at all?

Regretting a monorelationship and fearing regretting "cheating". This is no way to live. Have you considered that telling your plain Jane GF that you want to ditch her for a month might be more traumatic for her than if you just tried a walk on the greener grass first.

I suspect that if you waited to your mid twenties to do it you won't be breaking any records in the dating department in that month, so it would be a waste on that score anyway. Women do not take rejection lightly.

I've made this mistake TWICE in my life. I would hang out and I was never attracted to the girl, yet I did date her. Only a month or two later I felt incredibly uncomfortable and wasn't "in love" with this person. I just enjoyed their personality (for awhile), the intimacy (for awhile) part of it, but there's almost no passion. I hurt their feelings, I felt bad but not as bad as stringing them along, but after awhile I got smarter and started thinking who I was attracted to IN THE FIRST PLACE rather than their "personality" don't fall into the personality trap!!! When dating girls it should be 1. Beauty (according to your standards) 2. Personality 3. Everything else.

You say you have good intimacy, that's GOOD. You also say you and her are commited, that's ALSO GOOD. but you say you don't feel attracted to her. that's BAD. Do you know what the point of life is? Passion. You see that juicy steak, You want it? That's passion. You're working hard to make money to save it up for that sports car. That's passion. I sense zero passion from you to her.

This must be pretty hard for you bud, my last girlfriend I had to do that to her... I had to "cheat" I wouldn't use that word though, more like... looking for other girls and dating someone I found attractive. I dumped my gf and was immensely much happier being with the new girl that I was passionate with. And the most devastating part was, this girl was a friend of a friend of my ex-girlfriend. And this girl knew all along that I was going out with my ex, she didn't mind that I was attracted to her because she was attracted to me. Sh1t happens, I would've broken up anyways.

If this is your first sex partner YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS YOU WANT!

That means you HAVE to get out there and play the field. There's no way around this. It's in your nature to want to see what other girls are like. Will you regret losing this one? Maybe, but I doubt it. Chances are the only reason you are holding on to this is that you don't even realize the options you have.

Remember.....women are pretty much all the same at the core. Most will cheat on you or leave you at the drop of a hat if they feel their needs aren't being met. Best you can do is find one who seems fairly trustworthy THAT YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO, and if that doesn't work out there will be another one right around the corner. Then you will wonder what you ever saw in this one.

^ True, Many American women have sex with 10-20 guys in their lifetime yet they didn't marry or stay too long with any of them. I'm not saying you should have a See's Candie sampler like a b1tch ho, I'm saying you should at least experience relationships with 2-3 women to fully ascertain what you want in life. It's your happiness.

Welllllllll...they don't call you The Traveler for nothing. You obviously aren't completely happy with this girl and time will bring nothing but resentment & missed oppertunities. Break up with her, stay pals if she can handle it, but move on.

Originally posted by STR8UP
If this is your first sex partner YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS YOU WANT!

That means you HAVE to get out there and play the field. There's no way around this. It's in your nature to want to see what other girls are like. Will you regret losing this one? Maybe, but I doubt it. Chances are the only reason you are holding on to this is that you don't even realize the options you have.

Remember.....women are pretty much all the same at the core. Most will cheat on you or leave you at the drop of a hat if they feel their needs aren't being met. Best you can do is find one who seems fairly trustworthy THAT YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO, and if that doesn't work out there will be another one right around the corner. Then you will wonder what you ever saw in this one.

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That's true, and it is in my nature to see what other girls are like before I decide to settle down in a relationship. Was it my mistake to initially get in one with her? Possibly. We both lost our virginity together and got along extremely well together (well, she just doesn't get moody or argumentative) so things go well. But thinking back, if I had the option of a girl who was same personality-wise but was cuter, I'd take the cuter girl. Now I only wish I knew if I should:

(a.) Sample what's out there and if I find better, break up with her. All while at the same time, trying to work things out with her and see if I can accept her as her entire self for who she is, including looks.

(b.) Break up with her now and try to stay friends as she's an amazing person.

(c.) Just don't sample what's out there and try to make this work.

(d.) Take a month break. Which we all know will lead to breakup.

Oh and I should be formerly known as the traveller I'm settled in NYC now.
thx,
- T

Check out the thread "moments of clarity". It may give you some insight.

Originally posted by TheTraveller

(a.) Sample what's out there and if I find better, break up with her. All while at the same time, trying to work things out with her and see if I can accept her as her entire self for who she is, including looks.

(b.) Break up with her now and try to stay friends as she's an amazing person.

(c.) Just don't sample what's out there and try to make this work.

(d.) Take a month break. Which we all know will lead to breakup.

Oh and I should be formerly known as the traveller I'm settled in NYC now.
thx,
- T

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You can try A/C. I did with girls I didn't feel passionate for. Eventually it will lead up to B because my unhappiness in the relationship grew more and more as time went on.