I have a situation at work where one of my female supervisors/boss doesn't like me very much. I won't go into all the details, but it's pretty obvious she doesn't like me. In one particular past dealing with her, I brought it to the attention of my head boss in human resources(who's another character by the way), but I don't know whether or not she was ever spoken to about it. The thing that's pissing me off is that I have to maintain a somewhat "friendly/passive" relationship with her as to not get fired or written up. I really can't afford to loose my job. I have to act "AFC like" with this dumb twit, and still talk nice to her even though she gives me a raw deal at work. You guys know how it is. I'm up against a barrel. Normally I would've told this b*tch to go f*ck herself a long time ago, but I'm in a situation where I can't do that. I gotta say, it sux being in this position with my hands tied behind my back. I just hope she realizes and knows I'm no p*ssy, and that if she wasn't the supervisor/boss, I'd deal with her much differently. If and when she's bustin' my balls or not being a fair boss, I'll make it a point to passively call her out on it. But I hate to be passive, take it up the a$$, and look like a p*ssy. Now of course women love when you don't stand for their crap, and I could easily take the non-passive approach with her, the only thing is, I'd be risking possibly getting the ax(fired) or her making my worklife even more less enjoyable. Now in most cases, a NON-passive approach with a female boss wouldn't create a problem, but you never know, there's always that risk it will. She could be the one boss who happens to be the exception to the rule of typical female behavior. I don't think I can take that risk with her. Anyone else have stories?

options:

1) start looking for a new job. that would be my advice whether it were a woman or a man
2) start making friendly with her boss. if her boss ends up liking you a lot that will put the fear of god in to her
3) learn how to be alpha using your eyes. start her down every chance you get. you dont have to be psycho boy when you do it, just look eyes with her and give her that look of 'i know who you really are inside." she'll stare you down at first, but if you can hold your own she'll start to feel uneasy around you and probably avoid confrontation.

people who are being bullies KNOW they are being a bully, but they dont knwo that you know. as long as you tuck your tail between your legs they think you're just another one of the sheep to be pushed around. start locking eyes with ehr and she'll start to think you are a wolf.

but first and foremost, get another job. when your boss is a pr*ck the best course of action is to go work somewhere else.

joekerr31 said:

3) learn how to be alpha using your eyes. start her down every chance you get. you dont have to be psycho boy when you do it, just look eyes with her and give her that look of 'i know who you really are inside." she'll stare you down at first, but if you can hold your own she'll start to feel uneasy around you and probably avoid confrontation.

people who are being bullies KNOW they are being a bully, but they dont knwo that you know. as long as you tuck your tail between your legs they think you're just another one of the sheep to be pushed around. start locking eyes with ehr and she'll start to think you are a wolf.

Click to expand...

I've considered this, and I actually have done this with her to some degree...thing is, I don't wanna push my luck, cause like I said, what if she's one of those exceptions to the rule of typical female behavior who won't like it? Either then, there goes my job, I get written up, or she makes my worklife more unpleasant.

Don't you hate it when that happens?

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/female_boss_walking_around

dude, who the f*ck cares if you lose your job?

honestly, how can you stand living with all this insecurity and fear?

its no way for a MAN to live!

if you're getting f*cked at work, then get another job then.

not trying to bust your balls, but damn dude, in this world the only thing you got is your own self respect.

women sit there and say "im stuck. i dont know what to do. someone fix my problems."

men, even if they dont know what the right course of action is, take action!

i think the best action for you here is to find another job. put up with her sh*t until you can move on with things.

thast the advice id give you. its not what id do though (but i dont suggest you do what i do).

i've worked int eh corporate world for some time, and i've never ever had my balls busted. and the reason is three fold:

1) i produce (im very good at what i do)
2) im honorable (you'll always get the truth from me, even if you dont like it)
3) I will walk the F*Ck out of any company that treats me with disrespect

I've seen the biggest ball busting b*tches out there and I crack 'em in two without any problems.

I make all my decisions based on the businesses best interest but at the same time i don't take sh*t from anyone. and if that costs me my job, i could care less!

but because thats how i am no one messes with me.

but as long as you have an ounce of fear inside the way i do things won't work for you. fear is like an egg fart - i dont care how much you try to cover it up, everyone can smell it a mile away.

Your work does not define who you are. Instead of hiding and playing games, I suggest you make an appointment to have a meeting with your supervisor and express your concerns regarding her behaviour towards you and see whether the two of you can reach a common ground. In the end what it comes down to is what is best for the company.

If you find that there is no way around it, start making out resume's and sending it to various companies and when one bites then give out your two weeks notice and jump ship.

DJdamage has the best advice. I would suggest doing the same, and find out what is going on. She may actually level off by your professional "confrontation" of the issue. If this doesn't help things get better, start looking elsewhere.

As for the criticism and not take this stuff, remember, that we live in the real world and that people have real responsibilities and lives that depend on some person's income. So, just dropping everything and leaving can have serious consequences.

Unfortunately, I am watching a similar situation play out in front of me. Anyway, proceed with caution and common sense.

Don't just sit there and take sh!t. Start looking for a new job.

All the people I work under are good people who are fun to be around and treat me with respect. Nothing is worth your respect. You don't have to quit just yet if you're not ready to, but resolve that you ARE going to as soon as you line up your next job/position and then get out there and start looking.

I wouldn't let this forum and "DJism" get in the way of your professional career, but no man deserves to live in fear of someone just by virtue of employment. There IS a way out.

The problem here is you aren't in a situation to be a DJ, you aren't the alpha, she is. She's your boss FFS, even if she is a women!

Part of being in employment is learning to say "yes master", it's the only way you'll move forward. If you start acting like the boss then she will see you as arrogant and want to get rid of you - you threaten her. Why do you think she dislikes you!

There's a great line in the film Syriana, the boss turns to his yes man and says:

"Everyone here are sheep pretending to be wolves, I've a funny feeling you're a wolf pretending to be a sheep"

True enough, he was the guy who screwed him when the opportunity arose and took his job. Attitude gets you nowhere, being shrewd gets you everything!

The other problem is that she's a women; I've noticed two things when men work with women

1) Men still act like AFCs in the workplace, they want to come across as nice guys therefore women are used to getting treated differently to male counterparts. This results is women taking the hump when you treat them no differently than a man. Simply smiling and showing their breasts doesn't work in a performance review.

2) Guys take their dating failures and bitterness to women back into the workplace because that's an area where they either feel they have power or at least are equals unlike clubs where attractive girls get treated like celebrities and they guy is a second class. e.g. I remember a midget who was a manager and he used to torture all the women under him. Very funny!

You have to swallow your pride somewhat and not fall into either category. I think you might be overcompensating for 1 and falling into 2.

Although I have to say, I don't practice what I preach. I'm a hot head and stuborn as hell and make all those mistakes. Oh well!

Reset - I hate to disagree. You can't demand respect, it has to be earned. A manager will always try to exploit you, it's his job. You can't blame him for it. The trick is to know when the work that you do is no longer helping your career and is JUST helping his. But by that time you should have already have be-friended or impressed the guy above him, the guy that can help YOU, then you can move on because that guy will want you because it will benifit him. Never rely on your manager to help you out because it always benifits him to keep you below him as you're an asset to him where you are.

You can't avoid office politics if you want to succeed. Just like women you need to know how to play the game.

DJDamage - I don't think having conversations about anything helps YOU unless she's the one that calls it. Just like you should never have the conversation with a girl to ask if she's cheating.

Ultimately you don't want to give away your thoughts to someone because then they can use that to do something different. Something you might not want.

e.g. You go in and tell her you're not happy. Nothing is resolved. She realises this and thinks that you're probably going to look elseware. You're fired before you can leave on your terms.

No, try to figure out why she doesn't like you, we all know these things when we're honest with ourselves. Change these behaviours. If she doesn't change to recipricate your new attitude then it's a lost cause and therefore you should start to look for another job.

Talking is for women. Men don't discuss their feelings.

Actions speak louder than words.

If your Boss hates you, you would have been sacked but the fact that you haven been sacked may suggest that you two need to speak more openly.

If you are unsure and don't want to have a chat, then my advice to test how she feels about you is just out of the Blue ask her how is her day going, remembering Women love to talk about themselves and after several occasions of general small talk.

You may notice her Body Language may change towards you, also you may fine her whole approch towards you changes, overtime she may reveal issues that were impacting on how you thought she was acting towards you.

d9930380 said:

DJDamage - I don't think having conversations about anything helps YOU unless she's the one that calls it. Just like you should never have the conversation with a girl to ask if she's cheating.

Ultimately you don't want to give away your thoughts to someone because then they can use that to do something different. Something you might not want.

e.g. You go in and tell her you're not happy. Nothing is resolved. She realises this and thinks that you're probably going to look elseware. You're fired before you can leave on your terms.

No, try to figure out why she doesn't like you, we all know these things when we're honest with ourselves. Change these behaviours. If she doesn't change to recipricate your new attitude then it's a lost cause and therefore you should start to look for another job.

Talking is for women. Men don't discuss their feelings.

Click to expand...

I would excommend a great book "To be understood or to be Overlooked Mastering Communication in the Workplace"

Read it and act on several of its suggestions and if your honest and consistant within a few days to months you will see a change in not just her behaviour but other staff as well.

Also its important to remember that sometimes a boss has a million and one things on that don't concern you but may impact on how she is.

I also reject the susgestion that Man doesn't discuss emotions for a real man is open and owns his emotion

edger,

She will respect just one thing - and you'll respect yourself even more - start MOVING FORWARD again with your life instead of rationalizing and justifying why you should remain stalled.

So why not privately & calmly look for another job where YOU WILL BE HAPPY Her happiness is totally irrelevant dude and anything you do to keep her happy will just make you more miserable (see 'ps' at end). Now I call that moving backwards

Remember my friend, unless you run your own business, you only have the power to do one thing at your current job - quit. It never ceases to amaze me how many people think a job is an entitlement, relationship, safe-haven, etc. So they go on and on complaining about it or trying to justify why its not so bad, blah, blah, words, words, words, yech!

Sounds like it's time to exercise some of that power dude!

ps. I think I'm in dissagreement with a few of the others. Talking to her or her boss or HR is just a form of negotiation. Why the heck would you want to negotiate when you know there are other good jobs out there where you will be happy because you took control?

Sinistar said:

edger,

She will respect just one thing - and you'll respect yourself even more - start MOVING FORWARD again with your life instead of rationalizing and justifying why you should remain stalled.

So why not privately & calmly look for another job where YOU WILL BE HAPPY Her happiness is totally irrelevant dude and anything you do to keep her happy will just make you more miserable (see 'ps' at end). Now I call that moving backwards

Remember my friend, unless you run your own business, you only have the power to do one thing at your current job - quit. It never ceases to amaze me how many people think a job is an entitlement, relationship, safe-haven, etc. So they go on and on complaining about it or trying to justify why its not so bad, blah, blah, words, words, words, yech!

Sounds like it's time to exercise some of that power dude!

ps. I think I'm in dissagreement with a few of the others. Talking to her or her boss or HR is just a form of negotiation. Why the heck would you want to negotiate when you know there are other good jobs out there where you will be happy because you took control?

Click to expand...

Experiance tells me that the right words backed up with the right actions gets you what you want, if not then it makes quitting even sweeter

edger...if you are willing to be more specific about what's going on I might be able to help you resolve the problem with this supervisor. You can PM more info if you'd like. I've got some training in Communication and Conflict Resolution in the workplace, and there might be a way to fix this problem if I know enough about what's going on.

Do NOT deal with this by running to her boss unless you have first tried to resolve it with her directly. It will only make matters worse.

danielzxc said:

THat sounds like you are simply suggesting he walk out without even TRYING to resolve anything. So okay, he cuts and runs this time, finds the new "happy" job, and if the same thing happens again...what? Just keep running away your whole life?

Click to expand...

...perhaps you missed what I originally suggested ...

sinistar said:

So why not privately & calmly look for another job where YOU WILL BE HAPPY Her happiness is totally irrelevant dude and anything you do to keep her happy will just make you more miserable (see 'ps' at end). Now I call that moving backwards

Click to expand...

This thread is very much like the majority of Sosuave threads. Someone seeks advice and it all boils down to:

A.) Should I: keep / repair / adapt / negotiate / supplicate
B.) Should I: detach / change / take charge / move forward

Writing with over 20yrs of working experience, the general trend I have experienced (myself) and observed (watching friends and co-workers) is that 'A' above generally leads to greater unhappiness both in professional and personal lives. Why? Because we're letting someone else dictate our choices, our happiness and more importantly - our frame. And that's our time we're wasting waiting, hoping and trusting others to help us out.

I've experienced enough of 'A' to know it's a feel good answer which I can not honestly give to anyone else who was motivated / unhappy enough to write in the first place.

This forum is great. And it's simple. Guys generally don't like talking about problems and they surely don't come posting here with questions if their lives are going well. So if someone writes, they are probably confused enough or unhappy enough that they are really seeking a friendly kick in the arse to see it clearly themselves.

Each time I've went with 'B' I have felt happier because I was in control. It has lead to a far more interesting career than had I stayed with those companies or workers (based on their coporate performance, group dynamic and products produced after I left). My level of autonomy, salary and peer-based respect have greatly increased because they know I'm someone who really enjoys (and takes seriously) what I do yet they also know I'm not the one who sells himself short.

If I truly thought a carefully orchestrated communication session with the boss or HR or whomever was the silver bullet I would have been the first to recommend it. Heck, if I thought he should immediately quit because he is unhappy I would have recommended that. But I didn't.

What I really think is best in this situation is simple. MOVE FORWARD with his life (ie take charge and look for a better, more interesting and fullfulling job rather than waiting, talking, negotiating, etc).

danielzxc said:

...Seems like you're just suggesting a person cuts and runs at the first sign of trouble.

Click to expand...

I can fully understand if it *seems* like I am suggesting to cut and run. However, it's a frame of mind thing. In my mind (ie my frame) it is simply looking at the general situation and coming to a conclusion (based on my own past experiences and his general explanation) that going farther down his current path will be less productive and rewarding than pursuing a new one. And that is not moving forward, rather it is stagnation.

None of us even know what the problem is cos he hasn't said it yet (except that he believes his boss doesn't like him). Maybe it's something really simple. Sometimes, things ARE simple and can be easily fixed. Then again, sometimes they are not, and maybe just packing up and leaving is the wiser option. We don't have enough info on this one.

Click to expand...

I totally agree with you here. We rarely get all the facts. And I will be the first to admit if my opinions/advice are sh!t if we learn this is something less serious than it first appeared. However, I will note again. Often guys posting here regarding problems are usually in deeper than they would like to admit (that's just pride BTW). He11, it takes a lot for the average guy to even ask for help. I continue to believe that [in general w/r to this forum] a call for help [here] is really a subconcious call for affirmation that their problem is real and that their life is about to change.

ps. Entering into some type *communication* with the boss regarding the way edger feels might be a double edged sword. On the one hand he will be able to voice his opinion (hopefully in a calm constructive neutral environment) and inquire as to whether anything is actually wrong. But it opens another door. She (as a boss and as a woman) might perceive him as insecure, week, needy, high maintence, etc by his very action of requesting to talk. No matter how crafty you are with the words, the action of requesting the discussion in the first place will play a big role on how she treats him afterwards. So, unless something really is wrong AND it's easy to fix, saying anything OR saying nothing puts him right square in lose-lose territory. Yuck.

I just don't see being repressed at work as a issue that relates closely to personal relationships. How is this about being or not being a DJ or PUA? This person is in a position of authority and is abusing it. The fact that she has a v*gina seems irrelevant.