Caught Between Enjoying the Present and Wanting Something More

[noumena]

I'm seeing a girl who's five years younger than me. I think mentioning the age difference is important because she has said that we can't get married due to being in different age groups. I agree with her.

I've asked her what we are, and her usual response is that we'll figure it out with time. One thing is clear, though: she doesn't want a relationship.

It feels like I'm getting into another situationship. I genuinely enjoy spending time with her, but lately, I feel like my feelings are getting stronger because I find myself constantly craving conversations with her.

I'm afraid that if I tell her my feelings are getting stronger, she'll get uncomfortable and pull away. I don't want that to happen because I'm enjoying whatever we have right now.

At the same time, it doesn't feel right that I'm heading into another situationship when all I've ever wanted is a relationship.

What should I do? What advice would you give me? I'm happy to share more information if anyone wants additional context.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Have you had sex with her? Either way:

1. Men are generally the ones who create romantic opportunities and take action, while women tend to focus more on the relationship itself. With that in mind, don't ask, "What are we?" If you want a relationship, start doing things couples normally do. For example, meet each other's families, take trips together, and make plans or work toward goals together. Pay attention to whether things are actually moving forward instead of focusing on labels.

2. Don't dump your feelings on her. Telling someone you're deeply attached when they aren't equally invested can come across as needy and put pressure on them. There's a difference between being open about yourself and constantly seeking reassurance or complaining about where you stand. The latter can make you look insecure and hurt attraction. People often rush to confess their feelings because they think it will make the other person feel good. But instead of flattering them, it can make them uncomfortable or even put them off.

So my advice is to keep asking her out, and as long as she continues to say yes, keep seeing where things go. Just make sure she's also making an effort and that things are progressing beyond casual dates. Nonetheless, please make sure to expect the unexpected, and you have a plan, if things go sour.

 

[noumena]

Have you had sex with her? Either way:

1. Men are generally the ones who create romantic opportunities and take action, while women tend to focus more on the relationship itself. With that in mind, don't ask, "What are we?" If you want a relationship, start doing things couples normally do. For example, meet each other's families, take trips together, and make plans or work toward goals together. Pay attention to whether things are actually moving forward instead of focusing on labels.

2. Don't dump your feelings on her. Telling someone you're deeply attached when they aren't equally invested can come across as needy and put pressure on them. There's a difference between being open about yourself and constantly seeking reassurance or complaining about where you stand. The latter can make you look insecure and hurt attraction. People often rush to confess their feelings because they think it will make the other person feel good. But instead of flattering them, it can make them uncomfortable or even put them off.

So my advice is to keep asking her out, and as long as she continues to say yes, keep seeing where things go. Just make sure she's also making an effort and that things are progressing beyond casual dates. Nonetheless, please make sure to expect the unexpected, and you have a plan, if things go sour.

No sex yet, but we have made out once. It could have turned into sex as well but she was on her periods. Also she is one of those rare girls where sex isn't the only thing I want from her. I enjoy her company.

Yes, I will start doing things couples normally do. And thank you for the million dollar advice. I was thinking of dumping my feelings on her, however, you gave me a broader perspective here on why I shouldn't do that.

Also I want to know more about how do you think there is a difference between 'being open about yourself and seeking...' What do you mean here by being open about oneself? Can you give me a real life example here?

 

[noumena]

5 years is not that a big age gap, is normal one

It is more a transactional type of dynamic, or more like boyfriend and girlfriend?

also, why would you talk about marriage when you guys are not even a couple?

It's not a big age gap but it's not usual too from where we come from.

I need to know more about what do you mean by transactional type of dynamic. I will say we aren't like bf/gf but might reach there.

We didn't talk about marriage but we were talking about how long-term relationship that lead to marriage can't be something to have because of age gap and also short-term relationship is off the table as she want to stay single.

 

[noumena]

so she puts you in a fwb dynamic

what i mean by if it is transactional or not is that do you provide anything to her besides sex?

like she gains anything besides sex from your side?

No, she clearly said no to FWB and she said she looks for emotional connection/intimacy as well. What I provide her besides sex is I would say emotional connection. She enjoy my company too. It's not like we only meet to have sex.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

5 years is essentially an inconsequential age difference unless you are like 20 and she is 15 or some sort of adult/minor age gap thing.

For adults, this is a non factor. Her saying this is the most convenient excuse she has to really tell you that you aren't it.

 

[Clockwerk50]

No sex yet, but we have made out once. It could have turned into sex as well but she was on her periods. Also she is one of those rare girls where sex isn't the only thing I want from her. I enjoy her company.

Yes, I will start doing things couples normally do. And thank you for the million dollar advice. I was thinking of dumping my feelings on her, however, you gave me a broader perspective here on why I shouldn't do that.

Also I want to know more about how do you think there is a difference between 'being open about yourself and seeking...' What do you mean here by being open about oneself? Can you give me a real life example here?

Being open is simply sharing things about yourself and what you're looking for. For example, saying you enjoy travelling, look forward to Christmas because of certain traditions, or have certain opinions about the army.

Seeking reassurance is repeatedly expressing your feelings or asking where you stand to get validation from her.

As for the no-sex part, I'm not sure I have much to add. If you haven't had sex, in other words, if you haven't completed the seduction, there's always a chance that her attachment is still weak and she could decide to walk away at any point. I have a feeling she is just managing your expectations with the 5 year excuse. Remember, women break the rules for who they like.

Good luck!

 

[noumena]

Being open is simply sharing things about yourself and what you're looking for. For example, saying you enjoy travelling, look forward to Christmas because of certain traditions, or have certain opinions about the army.

Seeking reassurance is repeatedly expressing your feelings or asking where you stand to get validation from her.

As for the no-sex part, I'm not sure I have much to add. If you haven't had sex, in other words, if you haven't completed the seduction, there's always a chance that her attachment is still weak and she could decide to walk away at any point. I have a feeling she is just managing your expectations with the 5 year excuse. Remember, women break the rules for who they like.

Good luck!

Thank you for being the only person who made sense.

 

[Divorced w 3]

She's dragging you along. Multiple cycles on her side without sex - I'm not sure what else can be offered as advice other than pulling back from her and starting to maintain some silence.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Thank you for being the only person who made sense.

If what I said doesn't make sense, it will once you get more experience.

 

[Sega Genesis]

Remember, women break the rules for who they like.

I used to push back on this^^, but I keep evolving and now believe it's 100% true.

With my own boyfriend, I broke a silly rule I had by texting him first after meeting at a party which I have never done. But glad I did!

Also have you ever seen the movie "Witness" with Harrison Ford (1985)? It's streaming.

He met an Amish woman with tons of rules and restrictions (religious), including sexually, and SHE went to him! SHE ended up seducing him!

Why? Because she was extremely attracted to him. She literally "ached" for him physically, you could see it and feel it from her.

I am sorry to say but this woman is simply not that into you. Her 5-year age difference rule is absolutely ridiculous even in the strictest of cultures.

I agree with pulling back, silence and distance.

Give her an opportunity to experience life without you in it and see what, if anything, she does about it.

Let her come to you and do not settle for a "friendship" or platonic situationship if that is not what YOU want.

 

[Sega Genesis]

Yeah, ideally is that women will brake her own rule and be 100% into you from the get go, but it does not happen as often as we would like it to happen.

I agree and the reason it doesn't happen often is because many women will date a guy, even have a LTR with him for reasons other than because she is attracted to him and into him the way she should be.

If she is, instinctively she WILL break her own rules or rule to be with him.

 

[Mertz09]

I used to push back on this^^, but I keep evolving and now believe it's 100% true.

With my own boyfriend, I broke a silly rule I had by texting him first after meeting at a party which I have never done. But glad I did!

Also have you ever seen the movie "Witness" with Harrison Ford (1985)? It's streaming.

He met an Amish woman with tons of rules and restrictions (religious), including sexually, and SHE went to him! SHE ended up seducing him!

Why? Because she was extremely attracted to him. She literally "ached" for him physically, you could see it and feel it from her.

I am sorry to say but this woman is simply not that into you. Her 5-year age difference rule is absolutely ridiculous even in the strictest of cultures.

I agree with pulling back, silence and distance.

Give her an opportunity to experience life without you in it and see what, if anything, she does about it.

Let her come to you and do not settle for a "friendship" or platonic situationship if that is not what YOU want.

I agree with S G,
"pulling back, silence and distance." is what she needs, She needs time to miss your company, Don't be her "door mat" Additionally go out with friends or see other women and don't be afraid that she finds out. She needs to know that you have "Options" and A Life of your own. If she keeps up the same' (especially the Age thing) then RUNN!!!!

Just remember: "Frame Is Everything"