Terrible oneits at workplace

[FruitLoops]

A little background: I work in a law firm where the lawyer (the lady I fell for) really liked my work and wanted me to switch with her to the new law firm. At that time, I didn't have any such feelings for her and decided to move since the new job was way too lucrative to be passed on; good money, better future, etc. This lawyer helped me prepare for the interview and even gave my reference. During this time, we starting chatting on almost daily basis. It was mostly work related from her side but I would occasionally steer the conversation to personal stuff and she would respond to it. However, once, I got the job she slowly started taking longer to respond to texts; she would take 2 to 3 days to respond. I did the same since I didn't want to come accross as desperate, but deep down it would drive me crazy and I would constantly check for her messages.

Last month I started this job. Here, I don't assist her anymore like I used to do at my last workplace. It is not a big workplace so we sit in close proximity to each other. We would occasionally have a small talk, laugh at some jokes. But I would be too afraid to flirt as I didn't want things to get awkward (I knew she wasn't interested).

Last week we were talking about dating and she said she could hook me up with her friends but they were all above 6 feet tall. I told her that wouldn't work. I tried to steer the conversation and tried to check and see if she was even remotely interested in me. So, I asked if she had any height preference. (I am 5 ft 10 inch and this lawyer is the same height as I am.) She said she prefers a little taller men. I even casually inquired on her relationship status. (I knew she was single and recently got out of a long term relation). She said she was dating someone now. But the way she took her time to think before answering the question, made me think that she was lying to me because she didn't want me to pursue her.

Now, I know she is not into me and yet I keep having this feign hope that maybe she would like me once she gets to know me. It has been screwing my head over and over every single day. I can't even concentrate on work anymore and I feel like joining this workplace was the biggest mistake. I am trying to reduce interaction as I think staying away might help me control my feelings but I end up cursing myself for not talking to her and not being good enough for her. I have been trying not to appear desperate in front of her by only talking bare minimum. She didn't respond to my text since last week and I have not texted her ever since. (this text conversation had been continuing for a while).

Lately, this has been happening to me for a while. Women don't show any interest or lose interest. But it has never bothered me a lot since I would stop all conversation and move on. But this time I am stuck cause I have to see her in the office every single day. I am not sure why this has been happening to me. May be cause I have been pursuing white woman and I am an immigrant. I don't know.

You might have guessed by now that I don't have any other women to talk to. So, spinning the plates has never been my cup of tea. I have always tried to keep my interactions with women to small talks as I know prolonged conversations make me fall for them. But this one ended up getting in my head and now I can't get her out. A part of me desperately wants her. I don't know what to do.

I haven't had a girlfriend since 2019 and ever since I have been concentrating on improving my physical and mental health by hitting the gym regularly and reading books. But it seems nothing can prepare me for this disaster that I land myself in every single time.

Please let me know what you think. I am sorry my thoughts might appear to be all over the place in this post.

 

[Bingo-Player]

Problem is most women these days especially if they are attractive usually have their choice from a lot of options

It all boils down to a few things

1) first impression after your first conversation she's going to place you in a category

) nice guy = no sex just free attention and emotional support

) Creep / desperate = no sex just pity and maybe some disgust

) Bad boy = sex and booty calls useful for when I am horny

) potential boyfriend or LTR = I need to delay sex to not appear as though I am a sloot to try and secure

) Friendship = very unusual but entirely possible equal power sex is not a priority but could happen In the future depending on my mood

So when you first speak to a woman you need to decide which category you want her to put you in ,

If you do not do this she will choose for you and women are terrible at making decisions

You have added another layer of complexity by involving your workplace in your romantic drama

Personally from what you have already said I would say its time to let this chick go, I see nothing but workplace issues ( which it sounds like its already causing ) and also she doesnt sound interested anyway

Let it go

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You are acting like the typical nice guy. And no surprise, she isn't interested you in that way.

 

[Bokanovsky]

A law firm is the worst place imaginable to sh!t where you eat. This chick appears to be smarter than you are and probably wouldn't pursue anything even if she found you attractive. You, on the other hand, are one stupid text away from being fired.

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

A little background: I work in a law firm where the lawyer (the lady I fell for) really liked my work and wanted me to switch with her to the new law firm. At that time, I didn't have any such feelings for her and decided to move since the new job was way too lucrative to be passed on; good money, better future, etc. This lawyer helped me prepare for the interview and even gave my reference. During this time, we starting chatting on almost daily basis. It was mostly work related from her side but I would occasionally steer the conversation to personal stuff and she would respond to it. However, once, I got the job she slowly started taking longer to respond to texts; she would take 2 to 3 days to respond. I did the same since I didn't want to come accross as desperate, but deep down it would drive me crazy and I would constantly check for her messages.

Last month I started this job. Here, I don't assist her anymore like I used to do at my last workplace. It is not a big workplace so we sit in close proximity to each other. We would occasionally have a small talk, laugh at some jokes. But I would be too afraid to flirt as I didn't want things to get awkward (I knew she wasn't interested).

Last week we were talking about dating and she said she could hook me up with her friends but they were all above 6 feet tall. I told her that wouldn't work. I tried to steer the conversation and tried to check and see if she was even remotely interested in me. So, I asked if she had any height preference. (I am 5 ft 10 inch and this lawyer is the same height as I am.) She said she prefers a little taller men. I even casually inquired on her relationship status. (I knew she was single and recently got out of a long term relation). She said she was dating someone now. But the way she took her time to think before answering the question, made me think that she was lying to me because she didn't want me to pursue her.

Now, I know she is not into me and yet I keep having this feign hope that maybe she would like me once she gets to know me. It has been screwing my head over and over every single day. I can't even concentrate on work anymore and I feel like joining this workplace was the biggest mistake. I am trying to reduce interaction as I think staying away might help me control my feelings but I end up cursing myself for not talking to her and not being good enough for her. I have been trying not to appear desperate in front of her by only talking bare minimum. She didn't respond to my text since last week and I have not texted her ever since. (this text conversation had been continuing for a while).

Lately, this has been happening to me for a while. Women don't show any interest or lose interest. But it has never bothered me a lot since I would stop all conversation and move on. But this time I am stuck cause I have to see her in the office every single day. I am not sure why this has been happening to me. May be cause I have been pursuing white woman and I am an immigrant. I don't know.

You might have guessed by now that I don't have any other women to talk to. So, spinning the plates has never been my cup of tea. I have always tried to keep my interactions with women to small talks as I know prolonged conversations make me fall for them. But this one ended up getting in my head and now I can't get her out. A part of me desperately wants her. I don't know what to do.

I haven't had a girlfriend since 2019 and ever since I have been concentrating on improving my physical and mental health by hitting the gym regularly and reading books. But it seems nothing can prepare me for this disaster that I land myself in every single time.

Please let me know what you think. I am sorry my thoughts might appear to be all over the place in this post.

What this woman does or thinks is none of your business. And don't shiit where you eat. You write as though your heads in a guillotine, relax. Focus on what's in your control. Work out and socialize with new people so that you have other women in your circles.

You did better than most people on ss, at least you stepped back when she did. Now simply come to terms with being apart.

If a woman loses interest, chalk it up to incompatibility and move on. Learn from the experience and go find another one. There are literally billions of women on this planet, many of which are hot and would love you long time simply for your lawyer's salary.

You should be filtering women out, not obsessing over a woman that's not interested. You have a lot of leverage with the salary alone. Get some more options on the table and you'll sober up fast. Then you'll go out drinking with women that are actually into you.

Any time you catch yourself thinking about her texts or whatever, remind yourself that you're comfortable with any outcome and then go on about your day. You're accountable for your decisions and their consequences. I'm literally describing dignity to a lawyer.

Seriously though just go talk to more women. Talk to 100 new women before posting again. You don't have to sleep with them, just talk. The more of them you find hot, the better.

 

[Hamurabimbi]

I had bad work oneitis at least twice. The last time I was head-over-heels in love. Both times chaos and confusion occured, even having management involved. However, in both cases we wound up together. So. Crazy as it was. It was worth it. Although it didn’t last. Both are friends with me now. Good Luck!!!

 

[FruitLoops]

I had bad work oneitis at least twice. The last time I was head-over-heels in love. Both times chaos and confusion occured, even having management involved. However, in both cases we wound up together. So. Crazy as it was. It was worth it. Although it didn’t last. Both are friends with me now. Good Luck!!!

i wouldn't want any chaos or get the management involved at my workplace as I am still new here. It's too big of a risk.

 

[FruitLoops]

[/QUOTE]

You are acting like the typical nice guy. And no surprise, she isn't interested you in that way.

I know I acted in typical nice guy and this is because I was never romatically interested in her before. But my biggest concern is how to get over her. I run into her almost everyday. I can't talk to more women as I am an introvert.

 

[Bingo-Player]

I know I acted in typical nice guy and this is because I was never romatically interested in her before. But my biggest concern is how to get over her. I run into her almost everyday. I can't talk to more women as I am an introvert.
[/QUOTE]

For a man there is no such word as can't

you either do or you dont and you deal with the consequences either way

A lot of people told me I couldn't move to the other side of the world on my own and make a new life

I did it anyway

You can get over a piece of Pu$$y you've known for 5 mins and haven't even pumped

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I know I acted in typical nice guy and this is because I was never romatically interested in her before. But my biggest concern is how to get over her. I run into her almost everyday. I can't talk to more women as I am an introvert.

I am an introvert too, but I've learned to come across as an extrovert when needed from being in restaurants, sales and retail for a long time when I was in my 20s and early 30s.

There is nothing stopping you from talking to people except the voice in your head that wants you to remain in your comfort zone.

Yes, it's tough at first, and I get it that it can be exhausting at times and sometimes you need to chill at home by yourself and recharge your batteries once you do it.

But you can either decide you want to improve yourself in this area for many reasons, not just women, or you can struggle with women and a lot of other things the rest of your life.

Your choice.

 

[Bokanovsky]

I can't talk to more women as I am an introvert.

So is 50% of the population. Give me a break.

 

[Rainrain]

There is obviously something that this woman has that you look up to. It could be her drive, beauty, personality, or other qualities that you in yourself would like to possess as well. It doesn’t help that, since you don’t have anything going for yourself nor talking to any other girls, you want this girl to “save” you. You think she is the missing piece to the puzzle to make your life complete. There is something making you unhappy and you have to find the root cause of this.

Sadly, unless a woman is a train wreck, they are the ones that date up and men date on their bracket or date down. She is telling you the truth about dating someone else and she is getting her guts rearranged every other week by someone else who has their life together.

My advise is this: work out; stop watching porn; work on projects; get a hobby; build yourself up; make money; travel; etc. you need to man up and level up and fill in the gaps that are missing in your life. Men are self-sufficient and you need to take initiative. If you want to get with this is chick you need to be better than her and prove to her that you can lead her to best lifestyle that you can possible give her. That you can be assertive enough to be a rock and get what you want because you are so awesome. Thankfully, you will only get there if you take my advise (and if you wait your turn) and if it is not funny enough other chicks will start paying attention to you and you will forget about your coworker.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Are you a lawyer, too? It doesn't sound like it. If that is the case, then a coworker in a position of power over you is making sexual advances and making you feel uncomfortable. That's grounds for a lawsuit, and an attorney should know better.

Workplace romance is a bad idea, but if it is your boss, then the law is on your side.

 

[Millard Fillmore]

How to get over your oneitis?

First, just accept it and enjoy it for what it is.

You know nothing is likely to happen and better that it doesn't considering your professional situation.

But don't beat yourself up over the oneitis. Don't even call it oneitis. It's a crush. People get them. So what.

Best remedy is obviously to be banging other women. Though even that sometimes just leads to comparisons with the limerance so you just have to push through it.

Side note - when she offered to throw some girls your way, don't disqualify yourself (the height thing). Also by asking her her type you triangulate and disqualify yourself. But that's neither here nor there - just a general tip.

Stay focused on your goals and don't let this mess you up. I had a situation like this and it took me a long time to get past her - even though I was banging other women. The funny thing is now although I don't have the crush on her any more, I sometimes miss the feeling itself - it was like a weird source of motivation. So like I said, enjoy it for what it is but don't act on it.

One final thing, and this is not to give you hope. Just a fact. On some level she finds you attractive and would fukk you. Women constantly filter out due to things like circumstance and availability. But she wouldn't offer to set you up if she didn't recognize your value. Again this is not to give you hope but to give you some satisfaction knowing that in another context she'd probably jump into bed with you.

 

[FruitLoops]

There is obviously something that this woman has that you look up to. It could be her drive, beauty, personality, or other qualities that you in yourself would like to possess as well. It doesn’t help that, since you don’t have anything going for yourself nor talking to any other girls, you want this girl to “save” you. You think she is the missing piece to the puzzle to make your life complete. There is something making you unhappy and you have to find the root cause of this.

Sadly, unless a woman is a train wreck, they are the ones that date up and men date on their bracket or date down. She is telling you the truth about dating someone else and she is getting her guts rearranged every other week by someone else who has their life together.

My advise is this: work out; stop watching porn; work on projects; get a hobby; build yourself up; make money; travel; etc. you need to man up and level up and fill in the gaps that are missing in your life. Men are self-sufficient and you need to take initiative. If you want to get with this is chick you need to be better than her and prove to her that you can lead her to best lifestyle that you can possible give her. That you can be assertive enough to be a rock and get what you want because you are so awesome. Thankfully, you will only get there if you take my advise (and if you wait your turn) and if it is not funny enough other chicks will start paying attention to you and you will forget about your coworker.

You are right that I do think that she is the missing piece. She helped me progress further in my career and I started to believe that she is "the one".

I have worked hard in my career and right now I make decent money. It's not a lot but it is better than average income and I am working on progressing my career further. I have been hitting the gym 5 days a week for a year now and even training on BJJ. I volunteer at a homeless shelter and have a few friends that I would hang out with once or twice a month. So, you see I have bewn building myself to become a better version, but nothing has been brining me peace and satisfaction. Yes, I feel some satisfaction after I am done with these activities but then I am back to square one thinking about this lady and beating myself up for not being good enough.

Ever since I completed my studies in 2021 and started my career, I concentrated solely on building myself in terms of career, health, money, etc. As such, my dating life suffered tremendously but I was always fine with it since I would maintain minimum contact with women and never let them get into my head. That was my strategy all this time, until now when I met this lady who has me turned head over heels.

A lot of comments here say that I need to talk to more women and I agree but honestly I don't even know where to meet them. I can't talk to them at the gym. They have their headphones on. How weird would it be walking upto a random chick like that and start talking. BJJ training is mostly men. I don't know what to do at this time. I am becoming clueless.

 

[LTG71]

You became obsessed with the fantasy of what could be. We chase after those things we don’t possess. Happens with everything in life. But with this woman, you need to move on before you get a harassment charge. The fact that she offered to set you up with her friends means she values you but is not interested. You can take that as some form of validation but don’t think that you‘ll send her some magic text and she’ll become interested. You said the move was too good to pass up, take that as win and find your next move.

I find some women to be more of a distraction than a benefit in the workplace. If they are not your type you can get your work done, but if they are attractive, you start acting stupid and try to get into their good graces. What’s bad is it happens on a subconscious level. As soon as your brain decides, “oh she’s hot, I’d like to fvck that” you start doing stupid things and work suffers. If the women are ugly or not your type, they become invisible and you go about your day.

 

[DoofusDonutDude]

I have been in your situation but mostly got over it. I even made a post about it here.

Mostly, but not completely. Trust me, think logically - you don't know a damn thing about this girl, not really to be honest.

The way this thing reads she doesn't even consider you a friend. To her you matter less than the tissue she uses to wipe off her make up at night, which is fine.

When a women is truly interested in you , do you REALLY know her. Until then, unless you are her "best friend" (which most men usually aren't interested in) you won't know the real her.

The thing that happens in 99% of the oneitis cases is something i read online - "You're not in love with her, she's just the hottest girl on your radar right now" . Throw a scarcity mindset into it and you're damned well to have oneitis.

Your problem is not that you like this woman too much, you don't even know her really. Your problem is you think you will never meet someone as amazing as her.

You think "I won't ever meet someone as hot/sexy/intelligent/kind/combination of x y z traits" ...you're pedestalizing her. Just because she's hot doesn't mean she is better than you. Add having an inferiority complex or not feeling good enough (which your post hints of) for her and oneitis will stick to you like a dog to a bone already gnawed.

THAT is your problem and your solution to it as to hang onto the best babe on your radar right now .

What you need is to understand that even if God made the absolute perfect woman just for you - a combination of a Victoria's secret model who has the brains of Marie Curie and the kindness of Mother Teresa and all traits you like - if she doesn't care about you back, she doesn't matter. Period.

That's how these things work. You can build the greatest marvel in the world for her, die for her and in the end she will not care. If she likes you, you can ignore her and give her an onion ring on your anniversary and she will still love you..

Life is too short to care for someone who doesn't care for you. Don't attach your self-worth to it. There's only 2.99999... billion more woman out there.

You need to do some inner work as well as outer work

IMO and culture, dating at work is fine as long as the other person is a sane individual with self control who will not create **** at work or act awkward if things don't work - even if they don't - end it on a good note so you can continue to work where you do with no qualms.

P.S - Read about limerance and try to understand if that's something you have..

 

[FruitLoops]

I have been in your situation but mostly got over it. I even made a post about it here.

Mostly, but not completely. Trust me, think logically - you don't know a damn thing about this girl, not really to be honest.

The way this thing reads she doesn't even consider you a friend. To her you matter less than the tissue she uses to wipe off her make up at night, which is fine.

When a women is truly interested in you , do you REALLY know her. Until then, unless you are her "best friend" (which most men usually aren't interested in) you won't know the real her.

The thing that happens in 99% of the oneitis cases is something i read online - "You're not in love with her, she's just the hottest girl on your radar right now" . Throw a scarcity mindset into it and you're damned well to have oneitis.

Your problem is not that you like this woman too much, you don't even know her really. Your problem is you think you will never meet someone as amazing as her.

You think "I won't ever meet someone as hot/sexy/intelligent/kind/combination of x y z traits" ...you're pedestalizing her. Just because she's hot doesn't mean she is better than you. Add having an inferiority complex or not feeling good enough (which your post hints of) for her and oneitis will stick to you like a dog to a bone already gnawed.

THAT is your problem and your solution to it as to hang onto the best babe on your radar right now .

What you need is to understand that even if God made the absolute perfect woman just for you - a combination of a Victoria's secret model who has the brains of Marie Curie and the kindness of Mother Teresa and all traits you like - if she doesn't care about you back, she doesn't matter. Period.

That's how these things work. You can build the greatest marvel in the world for her, die for her and in the end she will not care. If she likes you, you can ignore her and give her an onion ring on your anniversary and she will still love you..

Life is too short to care for someone who doesn't care for you. Don't attach your self-worth to it. There's only 2.99999... billion more woman out there.

You need to do some inner work as well as outer work

IMO and culture, dating at work is fine as long as the other person is a sane individual with self control who will not create **** at work or act awkward if things don't work - even if they don't - end it on a good note so you can continue to work where you do with no qualms.

P.S - Read about limerance and try to understand if that's something you have..

Thank you for this. I saw some videos about limerance and turns out I suffer from it with every girl I come accross. I am going to try and fix it. As you said work needs to be done on my inner self and outer self. I often face trouble finding new women. Not sure where to look for. Maybe this is why workplace romance seemed to be the easy way for me to go.

 

[DoofusDonutDude]

Thank you for this. I saw some videos about limerance and turns out I suffer from it with every girl I come accross. I am going to try and fix it. As you said work needs to be done on my inner self and outer self. I often face trouble finding new women. Not sure where to look for. Maybe this is why workplace romance seemed to be the easy way for me to go.

About struggling to meet new women. You mentioned you are an introvert. How do you spend your time?

I used to be like the guy who spent most of his 20s inside his house in front of a computer screen all day, and when i closed it i still felt empty, if not more empty than before. Reasons? It was easy, zero effort , i was afraid of going out, i had no friends to hang out with etc.

Eventually i started going out on my own ( and a few times with friends i reconnected to after years but often by myself) - going to the mall, going to a have a nice meal by myself at a restaurant or having coffee at a nice cafe, going travelling (met tons of babes in backpacker hostels), hanging out at the library, attending sports events ( participating as well where i could , such as bicycle races) , music, literature and food festivals, even public speaking clubs etc.

Doing all this, in last 1 year i have met more attractive women than i did in past one decade of my life. All from HB6 to HB9-10s. Really helped a LOT with my oneitis.

You cannot sit alone in a room and expect an angel with wings to conjure up in a burst of light willing in your room, dying to jump in bed with you . Life is passing , get the f out of your home and do some **** man.

As for limerence, look within and try to discern how the feelings that those women bring up to you make you feel - what do those feelings give you.

For me it was a how i almost never liked my present self and a distraction from how empty my life was. Working on that has helped me to some extent.

In my experience there are SO many guys who suffer like you are, like i used to, but they often either don't have the initiative or don't understand themselves well enough to go out and seek what they want...

 

[FruitLoops]

About struggling to meet new women. You mentioned you are an introvert. How do you spend your time?

I used to be like the guy who spent most of his 20s inside his house in front of a computer screen all day, and when i closed it i still felt empty, if not more empty than before. Reasons? It was easy, zero effort , i was afraid of going out, i had no friends to hang out with etc.

Eventually i started going out on my own ( and a few times with friends i reconnected to after years but often by myself) - going to the mall, going to a have a nice meal by myself at a restaurant or having coffee at a nice cafe, going travelling (met tons of babes in backpacker hostels), hanging out at the library, attending sports events ( participating as well where i could , such as bicycle races) , music, literature and food festivals, even public speaking clubs etc.

Doing all this, in last 1 year i have met more attractive women than i did in past one decade of my life. All from HB6 to HB9-10s. Really helped a LOT with my oneitis.

You cannot sit alone in a room and expect an angel with wings to conjure up in a burst of light willing in your room, dying to jump in bed with you . Life is passing , get the f out of your home and do some **** man.

As for limerence, look within and try to discern how the feelings that those women bring up to you make you feel - what do those feelings give you.

For me it was a how i almost never liked my present self and a distraction from how empty my life was. Working on that has helped me to some extent.

In my experience there are SO many guys who suffer like you are, like i used to, but they often either don't have the initiative or don't understand themselves well enough to go out and seek what they want...

I hit the gym 5 days and volunteer at homeless shelter over the weekend. Other than that I am also training for BJJ. This rountine helps me feel better but doesn't help find any potential dates.

You mentioned that you started going to restaurants and coffee shops by yourself. I am sure it must have felt weird initially. How did you get over that feeling?

I have been meaning to go out and discover the city. But my friends are all married now and they would rather go on with their partners. So, going by myself seems to be a likely option but I just haven't been able to muster up enough guts.