My Wife Offered Me A Hall Pass w/ No Strings Attached...

[Millard Fillmore]

Just go do it but don't tell her about it.

I disagree with the "it's a trap" line of thinking. It's only a trap if you let it be one.

TBH you should be out doing this on occasion anyway. Like they say a woman would rather share a desirable man than have a boring dude all to herself. If you treat her well then she'll be fine with you getting some strange as long as you're smart, discreet and safe. She'll have a combination of dread + knowing you're desired + knowing she's #1.

IMO this is probably better for a happy relationship than boring monogamy. I think your mistake was verbalizing it.

 

[Money & Muscle]

Like they say a woman would rather share a desirable man than have a boring dude all to herself.

In a binary setting, yes - women would prefer to share an alpha over settling for a beta. But it's not binary; they would ultimately have an alpha but not share him.

The risks are quite high for me to pursue this either way. There's much that needs discussing between my wife and I if/before anything is to happen on this front.

 

[Millard Fillmore]

In a binary setting, yes - women would prefer to share an alpha over settling for a beta. But it's not binary; they would ultimately have an alpha but not share him.

The risks are quite high for me to pursue this either way. There's much that needs discussing between my wife and I if/before anything is to happen on this front.

Right - you gotta do what's best for you my friend.

My personal take is like most things w/women these things are better off not discussed. But I don't know your situation like you do.

Also I was trying not to use the A/B binary on purpose lol. I don't think it's binary. Some women want their men to be happy. A lot of Sosuavers tend to over analyze this stuff.

 

[Michael Chief]

Sigh... So many of the comments in this thread reek of sexual hangups and a lack of self-exploration.

I have a lot of experience with various forms on non-monogamy, threesomes, married people, etc. I admit I've never been married myself, but I have been in a committed polyamorous relationship for about 7 years now, and I am confident that we will stay together for the rest of our lives. It's a happy relationship with no fundamental problems, and we communicate well to resolve any issues that naturally occur over the course of it. During the course of this "main" relationship, I have had many other relationships with many other women, some of which had drama, and some of which were healthy relationships that just naturally ran their courses. Most of the breakups had nothing to do with non-monogamy and would have ended even if they were monogamous. I frequently also have more casual relationships and hookups. Threesomes kind of just naturally come with this territory.

As licensed therapists who see a lot of non-mono clients such as Martha Kauppi LMFT CST-S will tell you, any non-monogamous relationship structure can work (and have worked) as long as the people involved are mature enough to explore and communicate their desires and boundaries. You oftentimes need good communication skills to make it work. It's pretty much the same with any monogamous relationship except you often find yourself needing to do more work to make the relationships more secure (in an attachment style context). Regardless, it CAN work.

You've already taken some great first steps in communicating your desires, goals, values, and some boundaries to your wife. Continue the dialogue. Have the both of you use good active listening skills and whatnot. Book a session with a couple's counselor/therapist who has some experience seeing couples who practice ENM/CNM (ethical non-monogamy/consensual non-monogamy). Feel free to ignore the naysayers who say that it'll all just lead to doom and gloom; it seems like you really want this. And I'm here to tell you it's possible. Just be ready to do the necessary work.

 

[ManFromTartarus]

I can only share 2 thoughts, based on my own experience.

1- I've only had one 3-some, and it was one of the most overrated and semi-awkward sexual experience in my life. YMMV

2- You really seem to be a case of someone that cannot come to terms with the decisions you've made in life. Getting married and starting a family before sowing your wild oats, then hoping for some way to regain that by trying to introduce relationship weirdness into your home now, regardless of the damage it can do to your marriage & household, (and even more damaging) the effects it could have on your child when this whole thing goes south on you.

Not only does this seem like you're thinking with your d1ck, but it shows you cannot come to terms with the concept of "you made your own bed, now you have to lay in it."

 

[ManFromTartarus]

I admit I've never been married myself,

Yea, you should have left it at that.

 

[ThisIsSparta]

Update
I told the wife that the only way I would go through with it was if she were part of it.

Good recovery!

I am a strict advocate of keeping sex in a closed relationship. I think LTRs today are a volatile environment to begin with and openly inviting others is a recipe for disaster.

If you need outside experience, which i can relate to, do it in secret and deny it to the last if it ever comes up. Most women will wrap their head around whatever you tell them (as long as they see you high value enough) unless they catch you in the act.

Even if it wasnt supposed to be a trap,
remember, women are telling you how they feel about things right now. She might give you a free ride today but she might also use it against you in a year.

Asides from the possibility that she demands MFM down the road, being bisexual, she maybe gets a taste for hanging out with women again.
Maybe she doesnt want to go down that road with you because she knows she could get tempted?

 

[Divorced w 3]

Pop. Fvcking. Corn.

Truly this is going to be possibly the saddest thing we’re all going to witness in some time. This guys poor daughter. My God what a train wreck

 

[Divorced w 3]

Do you guys remember Razor Rambo? Getting Rambo vibes here

 

[Murk]

LOL

 

[Divorced w 3]

LOL

George Martin wrote his best stuff stuck in a square apartment overlooking Staten Island. I believe Rambo was in a trailer In Tennessee. Not too too different.

 

[CaptFinnBad]

It's a trap !!! Don't do it!!! I'd forget about the fantasy for the time being.

How I personally interpret the whole thing...

I'm guessing your wife isn't putting out, or if she is it's just token. S ex, which is ****. You probably feel like she's putting in no effort , or passion into the relationship and she probably isn't.

Which is frustrating as ****, and probably not your fault.

Clearly she's not meeting your needs right now.

She's probably feeling ****ty about herself, feeling unattractive, secretly resenting you because she believes she should be getting all that from you.

Blaming you because she's not feeling sexy, fulfilled.

Probably taking ZERO accountability, and she probably has little to no inclination to improve her situation or your marriage.

Hence the ""free pass" to go sleep with other women. "If you think I'm so **** go get your needs met by other women you **** " .

Seems to me like it's a deceleration of war, you do it and it's where things get real ugly.

You will 100% become the bast ard, and she will make your life difficult.

She's also probably on the path to cheating herself. She doesn't feel good about herself, she probably not taking accountability for that and will just try find a guy to make her feel good about herself.


How I'd attempt to handle it...

I'd slap a band aid on right now. Just plan something nice one evening, address the threesome, something along the lines , "her mentioning the threesome with other women, only made you realise how important she is to you and it's her you want " , remind her why you married her. Blah blah blah.

Just advert the immediate crisis. No threesome talk or talk of sex outside the marriage for the immediate future.


Then focus on you. Looks like a sinking ship. Regardless of you want to save the marriage or bail. The path is still the same.

Work on you. Picture the guy you want to be killing it when you're single, get all ALL your **** together.

Genuinely improve to be that guy. There MUST be things you don't have a handle on right now. Work on yourself.

Stop the threesome talk, stop accepting token sex, take pressure off her. She's no longer relevant.

Improve you.

She's your wife so DO make time to have awesome times with her,, do romantic things, only accept great and genuine sex e.t.c.

Just don't accept the ****ty stuff she's bringing to the table. Focus on you.

She will probably see the path you're on. Mabye fall in line, mabye not.

Do this for a good while.

Mabye your marriage will feel fulfilling again and you won't even want a threesome ?

Mabye she will begin seeing how awesome you are again and be so into you, she will feel so sexual around you that she will want to have that threesome and actively seek it to please you?

Mabye things will stay the same with her, but that's good enough not to leave , And you decide you want that threesome, so you just cheat (do it behind her back).

Mabye she will just stay the same and you will just need to walk away.

Doesn't look like you're ready to bail on her just yet. So I'm suggesting just work on yourself and stack the deck in your favour regardless of outcome.

Path is still the same in my opinion.

Let her feel genuine dread. Let her see the path your on, actively see you becoming her best possible you. She either steps up or she doesn't.

I honestly hope. Things turn around for you and she becomes so sexual and into you that she seeks out that threesome from the right place.

BUT The way she's presenting it right is FAR from the right place.

 

[All_Kindz_Of_Gainz]

I have been in a committed polyamorous relationship for about 7 years now

So for 7 years you've been kissing, fvcking and svcking the same woman after she comes back to you with her puzzy full of cvm from other men. Sounds like a winner.

 

[EyeBRollin]

 

[Solomon]

I've thought about it for a couple days now, before I even posted this. I'm quite certain of where I stand, and that is "threesome with my wife or not at all". Keep in mind that I did not bring up my fantasy here - my wife brought it up. I will keep an eye out for suspicious behavior, but I am doubtful my wife is looking for permission on her end.

I very much appreciate the words here, from everyone. I have few friends so these topics help me tremendously with perspective. It is likely a different level of sh*t/comfort test.

I'll talk with the woman. "I want to have this experience in my life, but only if it's with you."

I say this with no malice sir but your marriage is already finished, just get a lawyer
The only way to revived this marriage is to go to spiritualkly threapy

Peace

 

[DoofusDonutDude]

 

[BackInTheGame78]

She set a trap. If you are a fool enough to walk into it then good luck and bon voyage, have a good journey.

 

[Michael Chief]

Yea, you should have left it at that.

Then don't listen to me. Listen to the licensed therapists and the many successfully non-monogamous clients they see all the time.

The commenters in this thread have a selection bias. They see some cases where non-monogamy fails, assume that's what will happen every time, and that belief gets reinforced with the same cycle. Where I'm coming from, I see just as many failing cases of monogamy, and just as many successful non-mono cases as successful mono cases, maybe even more.

Why are so many dudes on a forum that's supposed to be about getting girls so obsessed with monogamy anyway sheesh

So for 7 years you've been kissing, fvcking and svcking the same woman after she comes back to you with her puzzy full of cvm from other men.

Nope.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Poly, in its simplest terms, means that the woman gets farked by other men, and you can be sure the women see a lot more penis than the man sees vagina.

It's woke shyte, it's in no way masculine or dominant - poly folks can tell themselves whatever they'd like.

It's not enlightened, it's cuckoldry.

Then don't listen to me. Listen to the licensed therapists and the many successfully non-monogamous clients they see all the time.

The commenters in this thread have a selection bias. They see some cases where non-monogamy fails, assume that's what will happen every time, and that belief gets reinforced with the same cycle. Where I'm coming from, I see just as many failing cases of monogamy, and just as many successful non-mono cases as successful mono cases, maybe even more.

Why are so many dudes on a forum that's supposed to be about getting girls so obsessed with monogamy anyway sheesh


Nope.

 

[ManFromTartarus]

Then don't listen to me.

Why are so many dudes on a forum that's supposed to be about getting girls so obsessed with monogamy anyway sheesh

Believe me I won't. Nor will I listen to people that are so unsuccessful with their polygamy that they need therapy, .... from someone that isn't even a psychologist.

But to answer your question, all situations are unique, and he having a child the stakes are really high just for trying to live out the fantasies he never capitalized on when he could have. Something you, never married or fathering a child, have no awareness of, and can't even realize your words mean nothing here.