Walking away vs Controlling frame: what defines a mature man

[jhonny9546]

Hi friends,
as a man, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to understand why so many men out there become controlling and manipulative, when being "free" requires only one action: walking out.

Many men have children, get married, get responsabilities, which is normal life stuff, and they fall back on the trend of creating a dynasty..
Sometimes, in laws or other relatives like her grandpa, father or uncle, can step in, forming behavioral agreements, they create a "family frame".
So each family has its own set of rules, and you've being added to the Directors board..


So, in this case, the woman is intimidated not only because she now has a social "stigma" due to feeling responsible to her husband, but also to her family of origin (since her grandfather and her husband "impose a family frame" back in the days, but now youre a part of their "board of directors").

What do you think of this "family frame" that is created when families are sought at all costs through camaraderie, arranged marriages, etc., and no one wants to hear people are invompatible, they just want everything to go and look fine..?

Personal opinion:
Even tho I respect and love the camaraderie side of it, for us men, this is a job that isn't worth doing.
Even if you dream to start a family..

You simply have to be ready to walk away, rather than apply the family frame to intimidate her..
A man simply needs to understand that if he's trampled on, disrespected, his only response should be to walk away, not to work to keep her or to intimidate her with ultimatums, getting help from the family frame, like you do with ...kids.

This strategy has always worked in the past..
What do you think about it today and How modern mature man should behave

 

[Westminster]

Easy to say, but a woman can really punish you if you walk away from a marriage. Financially, she can ruin you and she can also stop you seeing your kids, if she's so minded. So, it's not difficult to understand why most men a reluctant to do it.

 

[BaronOfHair]

@jhonny9546 "Hi friends,
as a man, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to understand why so many men out there become controlling and manipulative, when being "free" requires only one action: walking out"

It's easy to put minimal effort into oneself, then white wash this as: "I'm walking away from drama... Doing so is less controlling and manipulative, therefore I'm more moral and righteous than all those normies who are in the rat race"

Rather being honest enough to admit: "Getting my needs and desires met requires that I go out in the sunlight and fresh air, then experience discomfort, therefore I'm manufacturing justifications for NOT doing so"

 

[RoadKing_Rabbit]

@jhonny9546

It's easy to put minimal effort into oneself, then white wash this as: "I'm walking away from drama... Doing so is less controlling and manipulative, therefore I'm more moral and righteous than all those normies who are in the rat race"

Rather being honest enough to admit: "Getting my needs and desires met requires that I go out in the sunlight and fresh air, then experience discomfort, therefore I'm manufacturing justifications for NOT doing so"

I'm picking up a theme here and think this should be the standard answer for a LOT of posts.

 

[jhonny9546]

So, it's not difficult to understand why most men a reluctant to do it.

That makes sense, but that's a miserable life.
There must be a point they've made "the mistake", they've crossed the point of no return

 

[jhonny9546]

@jhonny9546 "Hi friends,
as a man, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to understand why so many men out there become controlling and manipulative, when being "free" requires only one action: walking out"

It's easy to put minimal effort into oneself, then white wash this as: "I'm walking away from drama... Doing so is less controlling and manipulative, therefore I'm more moral and righteous than all those normies who are in the rat race"

Rather being honest enough to admit: "Getting my needs and desires met requires that I go out in the sunlight and fresh air, then experience discomfort, therefore I'm manufacturing justifications for NOT doing so"

I think you did not understand the point

 

[Westminster]

That makes sense, but that's a miserable life.
There must be a point they've made "the mistake", they've crossed the point of no return

Well, yes, but it is notable that most divorces are instigated by women.

 

[BaronOfHair]

I think you did not understand the point

Well, I agree that a man is well-advised to leave a situation where the costs of remaining far outweighs the likely benefits

 

[jhonny9546]

Well, yes, but it is notable that most divorces are instigated by women.

I mean, the made a mistake.
Its his responsability for that.
This doesnt mean someone has to be right or wrong.
It all comes to what you want to accept as a man, and what not.

 

[jhonny9546]

Well, I agree that a man is well-advised to leave a situation where the costs of remaining far outweighs the likely benefits

Hmm I thought that when I see many married men who cannot "walk away" because they ve kids, mutual housing costs to share, and other entanglements.
I cam surely feel that.

But we must repeat to ourselves to not do the same mistake our father may did.
We don't want that kind of relationship where two people dont have intimacy and connection.
We want that to be alive.

For us men its wheter we choose our current situation because of comfort "yes i have 10 cons, but I have also 20 pros" ... Or wheter we choose to start a new life from scratch, having no compromise on those 10 things.

Each time I left a woman for a new chapter of my life, I found a better one.
That is not because more women became better, but because I had to filter for better women.. and actually found them

 

[plumber]

Hmm I thought that when I see many married men who cannot "walk away" because they ve kids, mutual housing costs to share, and other entanglements.
I cam surely feel that.

But we must repeat to ourselves to not do the same mistake our father may did.
We don't want that kind of relationship where two people dont have intimacy and connection.
We want that to be alive.

For us men its wheter we choose our current situation because of comfort "yes i have 10 cons, but I have also 20 pros" ... Or wheter we choose to start a new life from scratch, having no compromise on those 10 things.

Each time I left a woman for a new chapter of my life, I found a better one.
That is not because more women became better, but because I had to filter for better women.. and actually found them

they do not walk away because deep inside they do not think they deserve better. most people arrive at the place they believe they should be. why the self esteem goes low is a huge topic... but for sure it is low self esteem that keeps the man hooked. the rest is rationalization and excuses. if i don't believe i can have better, why should i move.

 

[Gamisch]

they do not walk away because deep inside they do not think they deserve better. most people arrive at the place they believe they should be. why the self esteem goes low is a huge topic... but for sure it is low self esteem that keeps the man hooked. the rest is rationalization and excuses. if i don't believe i can have better, why should i move.

This.

They wont walk because they've been orchestrating this particular life for decades. To impress people around them...

Most men will get 1 to 3 serious relationships max. They know that. A 35 y.o man who has to start over will feel like he has no chance to repeat it. Thus he will cling on to whatever he got.

The very simple dynamic difference between men and women; women get approached ,men don't. This allows a woman to always have one toe into a new situation. A man can be out of shape fat financially just getting and yet be with said woman, but IF she leaves him his credentials won't be enough to pull a new one.

And this is why men don't walk away.

 

[plumber]

This.

They wont walk because they've been orchestrating this particular life for decades. To impress people around them...

Most men will get 1 to 3 serious relationships max. They know that. A 35 y.o man who has to start over will feel like he has no chance to repeat it. Thus he will cling on to whatever he got.

The very simple dynamic difference between men and women; women get approached ,men don't. This allows a woman to always have one toe into a new situation. A man can be out of shape fat financially just getting and yet be with said woman, but IF she leaves him his credentials won't be enough to pull a new one.

And this is why men don't walk away.

solution. self improvement; forever. no more mr. lazy....

 

[BaronOfHair]

I'm picking up a theme here and think this should be the standard answer for a LOT of posts.

We definitely go through eras like this, in which putting minimal effort into oneself is seen as "more authentic". We went through something similar in the late 80s-very early 90s, when Heroin Chic and what's irreverently revered to as The Grunge Aesthetic(Looking like crap, stewing in your own misery)were all the rage... As one person in the comments section here points out

by time the mid-late portion of that decade, "office wear"(Aka. Freshening up before you walk out of the house, throwing on clean clothes, instead of spending the day in what you slept in. NOT stewing in your own misery)was back in again