I need help regarding my gf and relationship

[Askaladd]

Hello forum.

I have been doing a long distance relationship now for around 11 months. We were both virgins when we met. She was very inexperienced when it came to men, I was her first bf and she had never really talked to men.

During our relationship I have made countless egregious errors: unmasculine actions, being in bad shape, no real life goal, lazyness. Aside from my personal failures I also had severe lapses in communicating with my gf. She is very shy and doesn't usually say what she wants or feels, but instead wants me to pick up on cues or figure it out, aka notice.

A big problem is me not being able to pick up on her cues on how she is feeling and not giving her emotional support and in her words not caring about her. I do care, but it feels like there is some secret language that other people understand and I do not. For about 7 months I didn't even know how to console her when she was sad and I had to do a lot of research online to figure it out.

Recently we had a huge argument because of a dumb thing I did. This was not some relationship rule mishap, it was a pure person to person disregard of boundaries. This made her very very angry.

Here are some of the things she said to me in the last 24 hours:
"you dont show any care unless i sped the entire day typing paragraphs or argue with you"
"you dont sexually satisfy me"
"you are physically gross and unhygienic"
"you are never there for me"
"you are always stupid"
"you never understand anything"

What I am asking is what to here. How do I fix these things she is venting about. How do I pick up on cues over text, how do I say the right thing? How can I regain her respect, if even possible?

 

[Bible_Belt]

She sounds like a real catch. Wife this one up asap.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Joking aside, and taking into account the fact that long-distance relationships are inherently idiotic and stupidly flawed because of everything you can’t do when you’re not physically together, I’d tell her to **** off the moment she spoke to me like that.

What kind of man lets a woman disrespect him repeatedly, then comes back like a lost puppy trying to “be better” so the abuse stops?

Get a girlfriend you can actually see, touch, and spend time with. It’s infinitely better. Trust me.

 

[Askaladd]

She sounds like a real catch. Wife this one up asap.

Do women usually talk like this in a relationship? I am not asking this as a joke. I really do not know what is considered healthy or normal. I can show the messages if someone does not believe me.

 

[Askaladd]

I’d tell her to **** off the moment she spoke to me like that.

What if she spoke like that because I had commited an offense against her and she has valid reasons to be very angry at me?

 

[Clockwerk50]

What if she spoke like that because I had commited an offense against her and she has valid reasons to be very angry at me?

What did you do?

 

[Askaladd]

What did you do?

I shared info about her to her family member without her consent. It was in a very bad manner for trying to help her by me asking a poor family member of hers to give her money. I did this by sharing info about her and she hates other people knowing things about her.

 

[Askaladd]

What did you do?

In addition she has long term frustration due to the failures of my own charecter that I mentioned in the original post. Many things that she has been fed up about for months.

The part that felt most painful was calling me physically gross. Doesn't matter too much, I have faded out showing emotion to her or any venting or talking of problems. I can't tell her any life problems anymore, not even out of wanting to purely inform her of what is going in life.

 

[Clockwerk50]

In addition she has long term frustration due to the failures of my own charecter that I mentioned in the original post. Many things that she has been fed up about for months.

The part that felt most painful was calling me physically gross. Doesn't matter too much, I have faded out showing emotion to her or any venting or talking of problems. I can't tell her any life problems anymore, not even out of wanting to purely inform her of what is going in life.

You can try to de-escalate the situation and take ownership of your mistake by sending something like this:

“Hey babe—listen. I didn’t mean any harm, and I understand why you’re upset. That said, it would help if the conversation stayed calm and constructive instead of all these harsh words. Please believe that I only want what’s best for you. Even though things didn’t go the way I pictured them, my intentions were never bad since I care for you a lot. If you want to talk about this further so we can be on the same page, let me know. Take care.”

Then give her space and wait to see if she wants to squash the situation and work together to solve this conflict. No chasing, no paragraphs, no trying to prove yourself.

However, given how toxic this already is, the long-distance setup, you letting yourself go as a man, her attraction level towards you, and the level of verbal abuse you’re receiving, I’d strongly suggest sending a message saying you need space to work on yourself and then actually do it: start hitting the gym, rebuilding your life, and talking to women where you live.

 

[plumber]

there is no response to those comments. they are designed to hook your emotions, and it did. do not argue, do not validate, do not do anything. reduce your presence until she talks in a way that makes sense for you. she can tell you that what you did she did not like. you can then decide if you agree and then apologize, but only if you agree. if you allow this now it will happen always later.

you may or maybe not able to get her respect. more important is your self respect. do not engage with her unless she is being respectful. do not defend statements she makes that are not respectful. you can ignore or reply, "noted". later if she gets over it, do not bring it back up just let it go. if she does it again, react the same way; "noted". separately you can decide if the situation is good for you.

 

[crowolf]

I've been in the exactly same position when I was younger. I think it all comes down to communication. You should find a way to communicate properly with each other. Work for it, because the chances of finding another quality long-term person in this society is too hard.

 

[Jor-El]

I dont think you can fix those things,and more to the point,why would you want to ? (with this woman) At that level of personal attack,this is shot....you can note the things you can change,change them and do better with the next

 

[Askaladd]

talking to women where you live.

I am already in a relationship tho

 

[Askaladd]

there is no response to those comments. they are designed to hook your emotions, and it did. do not argue, do not validate, do not do anything. reduce your presence until she talks in a way that makes sense for you. she can tell you that what you did she did not like. you can then decide if you agree and then apologize, but only if you agree. if you allow this now it will happen always later.

you may or maybe not able to get her respect. more important is your self respect. do not engage with her unless she is being respectful. do not defend statements she makes that are not respectful. you can ignore or reply, "noted". later if she gets over it, do not bring it back up just let it go. if she does it again, react the same way; "noted". separately you can decide if the situation is good for you.

I apologized to many things about her that frustrate her about me. I did it because I wanted it to be over and to not stress over it anymore. We will see if it works.

 

[Askaladd]

why would you want to

Because I love her still and want to keep the relationship. In addition she is very unique in how she never had any real interaction with other men. I was her first in every way.

 

[crowolf]

Because I love her still and want to keep the relationship. In addition she is very unique in how she never had any real interaction with other men. I was her first in every way.

That’s rare and great. You are the man, you lead and set the tone. However, I now have read that she has insulted and disrespected you. You should make sure she knows this is wrong and you won’t tolerate it. If you do, she will have 0 respect for you, and that’s a doom state.

Or maybe she has found another potential mate, and now she is doing everything to repel you. So either communicate things or give her some space to come back to you. Whatever happens, you should always be ready to move on, and be actually focused on your growth, not put a girl as the center of your life.

 

[Manure Spherian]

Here are some of the things she said to me in the last 24 hours:
"you dont show any care unless i sped the entire day typing paragraphs or argue with you"
"you dont sexually satisfy me"
"you are physically gross and unhygienic"
"you are never there for me"
"you are always stupid"
"you never understand anything"

Walk away.

 

[Barrister]

OP,

The more women you deal with the better you will get at understanding their cues. When it comes to relationships, no two are completely the same, but there is one thing that is almost universal. If you start experiencing outright disrespect (which you clearly are at this point), the relationship is effectively over. Women tend to begin breaking up with a man in their own minds and emotionally distancing themselves before the breakup actually occurs. That’s what this woman is doing to you now.

You are left with two options. You can employ silence and distance (S&D) and give her lots of space to see if she emotionally gets triggered by your absence and comes back to you. If she does, you still need to set a boundary and firmly tell her you will not be spoken to that way - but only after you have successfully employed S&D. You may do this and she simply ends it on her own with some variation of “I think we’ve both changed” nonsense. She’s made your job easy at that point. But remember, if she does reach out during S&D and is open to talking, be firm. This is effectively a type of dread game, but it likely is too little too late given what she has told you. This essentially at the end of the day is only extending an already dying (or dead) relationship and you open yourself up to some form of monkey branching.

In all reality, your other option, and probably the one that makes more sense, is simply to end it now. Tell her you think you’re better off going separate ways. You may get some shock factor with this and her trying to change your mind (again, unlikely based on what’s she told you). But I’d advise you it’s best to simply move on. If you do this, of course it won’t be easy for you. Your body is used to her and wants her like she’s a drug. Use the No Contact rule to help yourself out. We have a thread pinned on this forum which could be very helpful to you.

Unfortunately, this one is probably over and your time on the ride with this woman is at an end. Learn from this experience, take time to reset yourself, and use this to get better. Some of my best, most productive times in my life happened after breakups where I completely revamped myself professionally and personally. Good luck, brother.

 

[Doctor Europeo]

We were both virgins when we met.

"you dont sexually satisfy me"

Virgins never say this IME. They could not possibly know as they dont have nothing to compare to.

Something is not adding up but in this case, it doesnt matter. You are young, break things off and pursue new prsopects.

I am already in a relationship tho

A toxic one. If she disrespects you like she has, the relationship is not worth keeping.

Because I love her still and want to keep the relationship.

Why would you? Sounds like scarcity mentality. I gonna PM you a short story, hopefully it will help.

 

[Jor-El]

Because I love her still and want to keep the relationship. In addition she is very unique in how she never had any real interaction with other men. I was her first in every way.

Well,we`ve all been there..sounds like oneitis tho. Dont be a doormat fella,her verbal attacks were brutal,remember that,I wouldnt be begging a woman who said those things to me (disclosure-I would have when i was younger, only because I didnt realise THEN how lame it is. Hindsight is a wonderful thing sometimes