She confessed love after a trip… now dates feel quiet and heavy. What to do?

[AM349]

I don't think it can be turned around because you showed doubt. You are not as sure that you like her as much as she is sure that she likes you.

That is not a problem you can solve logically.

She is likely looking for the exit, because now she knows you are not "that guy" for her, at least not as much as she wished you'd be. So she feels pressured now to find that guy because she has a ticking biological clock, and would be wasting her time by staying with you.

I don't think I showed doubt, I didn't confirm nor denie. I kept showing her warmth in the moment and after that too.

 

[AM349]

You didn’t mention how long you’ve been seeing her. Regardless, everyone is right: you can’t have your cake and eat it too. A woman giving consistent sex to a man with no relationship in sight is the mirror image of a man being in a relationship with no sex in the future.

From what I see, you’re giving her mixed signals. You’re doing boyfriend–girlfriend things, but when her feelings surface, they aren’t clearly validated. Once that happens, the anticipation of a shared future fades and becomes mundane instead of exciting.

If I were in your shoes and wanted to keep seeing her without committing, I’d lead with action, not explanations. Plan a proper date. Take her somewhere nice, think it through, dress well, be intentional. Create an experience that makes her feel chosen and valued, then use that moment to calmly make sure you’re both on the same page about what this is and where it’s going. People respond more to how you make them feel than to words, and a well-led experience creates clarity in a way talking rarely does.

If she doesn’t want to see you in person then this is insalvable.

We still see each other, I would be open for a relationship, just in the moment she told me she loved me it came unexpected and I didn't really now how to react.

So how would I turn this around?

 

[AM349]

Action is great but sometimes we just need to hear the words especially when we expressed them first.

OP instead of speculating talk to her, have a conversation.

This can be turned around. Don't lie. Just be real with her.

You suggest I bring it up in the next date would be correct course of action?

Any other advice on what to say or how to say it?

 

[AM349]

Advice from the old lady:

I have the exact same question as our comrade @Bokanovsky on this one OP.

What do YOU want with this woman? Not her, YOU.

Do you want a relationship with her?

Do you see her as just a plaything?

Just a sexual partner?

Do you enjoy her company?

Do you like her? Ok you said you like her, but how much do you like her? Seems like you don't have the red hots for her.

See this kind of question is more to do with you. If she is just a placeholder, you need to let her go, its the kind thing to do.

You are young & inexperienced, but more importantly you sound uncertain about this woman. So give all that some thought.

My husband says @taiyuu_otoko you get the Fortune Cookie Award for most sage advice. I agree, great post.

I do like her a lot, just when she said it it came so unexptected that I didn't really knew how to respond.

 

[Clockwerk50]

We still see each other, I would be open for a relationship, just in the moment she told me she loved me it came unexpected and I didn't really now how to react.

So how would I turn this around?

Did you read my post? I already wrote what I would do if I was in your position.

Human behaviour is full of intangibles, meaning that regardless of the input, the outcome can never be predicted with complete certainty

 

[Manure Spherian]

OP likely wants the sucking, f-cking, and companionship to continue indefinitely with the woman, but doesn’t love her or want to commit.

If she is wise, she will leave NOW. If not, she will fritter away time, maybe years, with him, eventually leave, and then be yet another of the gorillion women who swear off men altogether.

Some women have frittered away their fertile years with two or three of these clown marriages.

 

[Divorced w 3]

He is a massive over thinker and she obviously likes that. With this in mind she will undoubtedly understand that he needed a minute to process.

 

[Divorced w 3]

So how would I turn this around?

Prozac?

 

[BeExcellent]

I think what all us seasoned citizens need to remember is what we were each like at age 21. Young, a world full of ideas and possibilities, perhaps living fully independent, perhaps at university, everything new and everything full of potential....but also tremendous uncertainty, experiencing new things, feelings, empowerment, disappointment, etc.

Let's be real...its a lot to navigate.

And yet young people do in fact figure it out by and large.

So if you do really like this girl? Be straight. You can go the route of telling her you love her irrespective of whether or not you really feel that way (I see that suggestion 2 ways -it buys you time to truly sort out your feelings and it reassures her, but if you aren't really comfortable doing that, then don't - if it comes off fake, it will make things worse).

Tell her instead you are feeling lots of things & that you are sorting it all out and that you really enjoy your time together. If you have not been "in love" or loved a woman before this is new territory. What she has done is lead with vulnerability (as the guys noted.) Because you were uncertain in your response, she now feels uncertain. So she has pulled back a bit to guard her heart.

As an aside....the real reason casual sex is ill advised is that you get these heady emotions from sexual initimacy and if that is mismanaged everybody gets to experience emotional pain & hurt that was avoidable, and then that emotional hurt becomes the fear and distrust of someone new...and voila, baggage.

Love involves risk because you must be vulnerable to someone, you must trust them to guard your heart knowing they will hurt you & disappoint you sometimes, that is part of human imperfection & interaction. You have to accept that risk to love fully.

Think a bit less here (with this girl) and feel a bit more.

Keep asking her out if you like her. As long as she keeps saying yes and showing up you know she likes you back. Simple. Not always easy for the overthinker out there, but simple.

 

[Doctor Europeo]

Wtf did I just read? No hay que descubrir el hilo negro, Harrison Ford already showed us how its done way back in the 80s.

When a girl says "I love you" just reply "I know". That´s it.

I´ve been sucessfully pulling that off for that last 4 plus years. I guess ymmv if she doesnt like Star Wars or doesnt get the reference, but I have yet to had a bad experience with that.

For context @AM349 , I have been with the same woman the last 4 plus years, and she does like Star Wars. I cant guarantee it works on most women, let alone all women.

 

[BPH]

I don't think I showed doubt, I didn't confirm nor denie. I kept showing her warmth in the moment and after that too.

First of all, you can quote multiple people by pressing reply in the same message. That way you're not spamming this thread with 4 or 5 replies in a row.

Back to the topic...you've been given advice. That advice is to keep seeing her, and be direct about the relationship; including how she's been acting and how you feel about her.

You asked, and I answered, from experience, stating that this hesitation will likely lead to a slow burn and eventual end to the relationship. I could be wrong, but I say that so you're not surprised if it does happen, which I think it will.

Either way, you've been given direction, so make a choice and take action so you'll get your answers rather than asking us about what somebody else may be thinking.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Should I bring it up, or should I wait for her to bring it up again?

Bring it up as soon as you can.

Immediately, if possible. But don't just toss it out there. Make it a real, deep conversation.

At least give her that.

An unreciprocated confession of love has a very, very short half-life.

 

[Barrister]

Exactly.



Stop trying to analyze this as an engineering problem to be understood. When a girl tells you she loves you, this is a huge risk (especially if she goes first) because she's feeling an intense emotional connection.

If you don't love her back, save her the grief and break up with her.

If you do love her, say that, and explain you didn't respond when she said it because of whatever issues you have.

Staying up in your head is fine when gaming girls for casual sex.

But when deep, ancient emotions get involved, game goes out the window and emotional truth and terrifying vulnerability are the only way forward.

Great post TO.

OP, remember that emotion is generally all women have -- they don't put any value or stock into logic. Stop trying to look at this like an algebra problem. You did well to stir those feelings up inside of her. Your emotionally tone-deaf response certainly has hurt your chances, but you honestly could probably swoop in with the right approach and completely sweep her off her feet.

The "I am afraid to get hurt" line would work wonders here. Men get scared to show vulnerability, and while I think it needs to be used sparingly, if you aren't one to show it at all (like most of us), when you do it can create very powerful results with women.