Emotional affairs are a sign of disrespect?

[jhonny9546]

Hey veterans here, I'm sure this has happened to you.

In short, you're in a LTR, but at some point, whether it's 3, 5, 7, 10, or 20 years, this thing will happen (especially these days): she'll fall in love with someone, at least emotionally. It doesn't matter if you're married, have kids, or have other commitments together.

For those of you who've been there, she changes and becomes absent, aggressive, etc.
Basically, you're "the enemy", "the stranger", and she'll want to monkeybranch, but let's say she's "hesitant" and hasn't had the opportunity to physically cheat. Once the "in love" period has passed, usually 2 or 3 months, sometimes less, she comes to her senses and realizes what she's done, apologizes, and says she'll never do it again (impossible), and that you're now even stronger because you've faced the difficulty. And everything goes back to the way it was before. And now you can feel she's actually more affetionate to you.

Do you consider this as "disrespect" a "normal thing"?
How would you differentiate from a "impredictable real life event" or a "**** test she managed to create"?

 

[corrector]

You feel invisible to her when she is with the other guy. Being lonely in a relationship is 1000 times worst than being loney while being singe, and you cant confront her about it without looking weak and jealous and dont know where you stand with her. Very bad position to be in. If you have no other option but her you feel even more inferior to her.

 

[jhonny9546]

You feel invisible to her when she is with the other guy.

I mean, she is not phisically present with him, but she think about him. (This can be someone she met somewhere, but she's not spending time with him)

Being lonely in a relationship is 1000 times worst than being loney while being singe

Have you ever felt it?
I'm just asking, it didn't happen in all of my LTR's

 

[The Duke]

The emotional/mental cheating is worse than the physical cheating. Only men can pull off the physical(sex) cheating deal with no emotional connection. Women first need an emotional connection before they have sex. So in my mind, emotional cheating is no different than physical cheating and I've experienced it before. Its the emotional disrespect that bothered me the most, and thats because I know how women operate. The only women that can fuhk men without some sort of emotional connection have mental issues. Creating an emotional connection is something that takes time and effort.

 

[corrector]

I mean, she is not phisically present with him, but she think about him. (This can be someone she met somewhere, but she's not spending time with him)


Have you ever felt it?
I'm just asking, it didn't happen in all of my LTR's

It undermined my gf relationship in 2012. The worst was when I was socially ignored during a social gathering (ie while she was talking with other guys, she did not introduce me there as being her friend, boyfriend or even fiancee (ie I proposed to her verbally and she said yes two months prior to that), in fact we didn't even say hi to each other, on Oct 2, 2012, which I feel was really the beginning of the end of that relationship. While she apologized for it over thanksgiving (I was invited to her house for thanksgiving dinner and we watched "I am Legend" on VHS tape in her bedroom....it is a funny dynamic since it's a painful thing to bring up if you don't really get into fights and it's a nice relationship overall. You hope that she would get you or understand you enough emotionally not to make you feel that way that you would have to have such a talk in the first place.

The fact I can bring this up near 13 years later means it was the first major "trouble in paradise" thing. When you get a "trouble in paradise" one too many times then you get cynical. Like this is something that is not for me.

 

[BaronOfHair]

For those of you who've been there, she changes and becomes absent, aggressive, etc.
Basically, you're "the enemy", "the stranger"..

That's all the disrespect required to either dropkick that b-tch to the curb, or at the very least contemplate doing so

 

[jhonny9546]

The emotional/mental cheating is worse than the physical cheating.

We're on the same wavelength on this subject.
The only truths for a woman are her feelings and emotions.
That's why we men notice when she's absent, or suddenly changes her attitude, and I've always been extremely curious to know what they really feel.

 

[jhonny9546]

It undermined my gf relationship in 2012.

Are you still togheter?

 

[jhonny9546]

That's all the disrespect required to either dropkick that b-tch to the curb, or at the very least contemplate doing so

Once you recognize it, you have to decide whether to give it time, two or three months, to wait for it to pass, and then see how he behaves again, or to decide whether to end it and move on with your life.

Imagine a couple who's been together for five or more years, and who have commitments (house, mortgage, kids, etc.), and this happens to them.
It's not easy with a three or four month relationship where you can ruin everything.

 

[corrector]

Are you still togheter?

We broke up since Nov 17, 2012 when I called off the engagement. However she moved on quickly while I lingered over it.

I broke up with her out of convictions because we found out that her ex-husband was still waiting for her to come back and I have strong convicitons against dealing with someone who was divorced, and it appeared she was to blame for the divorce (ie even though her ex-husband started the legal proceedings) as she refused to have anything to do with her ex-husband when he told her to grow-up and stop acting like a child (ie you can understand her very small size, she must have taken some offense). The Bible says clearly that couples are supposed to reconcile with each other. He made a best effort basis to reconcile with her, but she refused to do anything to reconcile back to him, which made her even more difficult to accept as a future spouse and daughter-in law for my mother with that type of baggage. Her ex-husband was also a pastor. She's looking for someone that's heavily involved in ministry, despite nearly devestating her ex-husbands ministry by her actions. It makes her look extremely callous and selfish and points to other character flaws on how she treated me (ie ignoring me or acting up where I'm with her, but don't feel like I'm really wtih her at the same time).

Anyway, she didn't make any attempt to connect with me after I sent the email. She didn't check-up on me to see how I was doing or send any follow-up email. (ie maybe we would have talked that through if she did). She kept relying on the fact I said I'd call her back that day, but never got around to doing so. But again, she could have still called anyway in a few days and asked if eveything was alright (ie seeing we had been seeing each other for a lenght of time, etc...). Again, she didn't show a willingness to put everything for our relationship or friendship to make it work, or even respect my convictions about it and was ultimatley too flakey with me. That should have told me enough. The lack of follow-up after the break-up just confirmed what was already true: I was carrying the relationship, and she wasn’t really invested. Anyway she moved to New Zealand in 2016 and that's the last I've heard from her (ie saw it on her profile in 2016, she's quite open with her profile in giving information about herself, etc...). Anyway that is the end of that.

Lost total interest with her after I sent an email wishing her a happy birthday some time maybe a few years ago or so.

2012 is still seen in terms of history as the best romantic year I've had with a woman in the past (ie including my ex-wife of 2014).

Looking back, her behavior even before the break-up already showed she wasn’t fully invested. The fact she never followed up just confirmed it. In a way, that silence was the proof it wasn’t only my convictions ending things, it was also the reality that I cared more than she ever did

 

[jhonny9546]

it was also the reality that I cared more than she ever did

I don't want to say that maybe she could have had some personality disorder like borderline, I don't know her

 

[BaronOfHair]

However she moved on quickly while I lingered over it.

Sounds like you didn't recognize Dolores and Co were providing listeners

with a cautionary tale, not encouragement to do likewise

 

[Gamisch]

Listen fellas!!!

Your woman will ALWAYS have an emotional thing with other men. Anything above hb4 at least...

The busdriver, the neighbour, the guy at the gym, your best friend....

Better learn to :
-never give 100% so you can detach whenever you need to
- be secure in who YOU are. Build YOURSELF up, regardless of her path in life
accepting is key. It only hurts if it bothers you
- be a fecking king. Be the emperor. Never let a bytch move you into self destruction mode ( again)

That's it folks

 

[corrector]

Listen fellas!!!

Your woman will ALWAYS have an emotional thing with other men. Anything above hb4 at least...

The busdriver, the neighbour, the guy at the gym, your best friend....

Better learn to :
-never give 100% so you can detach whenever you need to
- be secure in who YOU are. Build YOURSELF up, regardless of her path in life
accepting is key. It only hurts if it bothers you
- be a fecking king. Be the emperor. Never let a bytch move you into self destruction mode ( again)

That's it folks

The emotional/mental cheating is worse than the physical cheating. Only men can pull off the physical(sex) cheating deal with no emotional connection. Women first need an emotional connection before they have sex. So in my mind, emotional cheating is no different than physical cheating and I've experienced it before. Its the emotional disrespect that bothered me the most, and thats because I know how women operate. The only women that can fuhk men without some sort of emotional connection have mental issues. Creating an emotional connection is something that takes time and effort.

Never seen such a disagreement between two so-called experts on here, lol

 

[Sega Genesis]

Your woman will ALWAYS have an emotional thing with other men. Anything above hb4 at least...

The busdriver, the neighbour, the guy at the gym, your best friend....

Better learn to :
-never give 100% so you can detach whenever you need to

^^The irony is if you don't give 100% and hold back on providing the emotional connection she needs (enabling you to detach whenever), you're actually driving her to seek that connection from/with another man...

Not sure what the answer is except perhaps
try and find a balance between providing the emotional connection she needs and maintaining your frame of autonomy and independence?

But yeah definitely agree women (most not all, some women have sex solely for validation) need to feel some sort of emotional connection before having sex....

While men (and correct if I'm wrong?) need sex first before allowing themselves to feel emotionally connected...

$.02

 

[Gamisch]

Never seen such a disagreement between two so-called experts on here, lol

Why would you rather divide instead of bring together?

I clearly said an emotional THING. You might not remember but women are emotional creatures running behind their emotions.

You better sit back be sssst and take notes if you ever wanna get out of your predicament.

 

[Gamisch]

^^The irony is if you don't give 100% and hold back on providing the emotional connection she needs (enabling you to detach whenever), you're actually driving her to seek that connection from/with another man...

Not sure what the answer is except perhaps
try and find a balance between providing the emotional connection she needs and maintaining your frame of autonomy and independence?

But yeah definitely agree women (most not all, some women have sex solely for validation) need to feel some sort of emotional connection before having sex....

While men (and correct if I'm wrong?) need sex first before allowing themselves to feel emotionally connected...

$.02

I see what you mean.

Let me say it like this: IF a man wants to give it 100/ or a lot... I'd'd advice men to gradually go up. Dip your toe into the water for : 3 months, 6 months one year while turning up the percentile you give.

100% imo means: being willing to give your life and sacrifice it all for your partner. In this day and age unfortunately most men are one "feelz" away from losing it all.

Like how they charge big batteries; never completely full because it's dangerous and might burn the house down.. 85 is more than enough.

Because let be real: if a woman likes you you don't need to give it 100. You're both getting to know each other you both have a history otherwise you wouldn't be dating but you'd be occupied. It's normal to gauge who you're dealing with before you go all in.

 

[Gamisch]

^^The irony is if you don't give 100% and hold back on providing the emotional connection she needs (enabling you to detach whenever), you're actually driving her to seek that connection from/with another man...

Not sure what the answer is except perhaps
try and find a balance between providing the emotional connection she needs and maintaining your frame of autonomy and independence?

But yeah definitely agree women (most not all, some women have sex solely for validation) need to feel some sort of emotional connection before having sex....

While men (and correct if I'm wrong?) need sex first before allowing themselves to feel emotionally connected...

$.02

You gotta understand what 100 means to a man. That mean ALL IN. Literally being willing to die for said woman.

It would extremely selfish to demand 100 while being doubtful yourself and holding back.

 

[Mike32ct]

While men (and correct if I'm wrong?) need sex first before allowing themselves to feel emotionally connected...

Often yes.

The nice guy/beta guy can absolutely form an emotional connection without sex. But he’s much less likely to get to the sex part, so it’s probably a moot point lol.

 

[Sega Genesis]

You gotta understand what 100 means to a man. That mean ALL IN. Literally being willing to die for said woman.

It would extremely selfish to demand 100 while being doubtful yourself and holding back.

Good point! And I agree. Achieving a healthy balance is best. Between togetherness and distance.

A bit of push/pull not as a game but to achieve balance?