Amogged by bartender on a date.

[optinimus]

Wild date story time. Just had a date with a cute Ukranian. Something absolutely unexpected happened during this date and i've definitely learnt a tough lesson here...

I told her to meet me in front of X bar, and I usually tell girls this because it's close to my home. It's not the bar where I will take them, but just the meeting point. On this date I arrived 5-10 minutes too late, and when I came, she already gone inside this particular bar, and of course, some bartender had already rizzed her up and given her a free beer.

I met her inside the bar, and told her to come sit outside with me, so at least I had her for myself. So far so good. On the date I think it went quite well. Good banter, physicality, and she seemed interested and even future projected some future date ideas like cooking etc. At the end I pitched the idea of us having wine at my place next time, and she seemed open to the idea with a little bit of hesitance (maybe to not seem too easy).

After we had talked for an hour, I told her I had to get going, and now something interesting happened. She asked me to bring the beer glass to the bar because she felt bad we hadn't bought anything. I told her don't worry, it's their job to clean up. We got up, and then she actually took the glass herself and brought it into the bar. A few mins later she comes out and says goodbye, and tells me she will stay at the bar.

I told her goodbye unphased and went home. At that point, I realized I had gotten amogged big time by the bartender.

I definitely learnt a lesson here:

Don't tell a girl to meet you in front of a bar, because they will think this is the place we will be going to, and they'll get in early and get hit on by a bartender. Also I think this girl was annoyed that I was late for the date, and maybe she wanted to test me a bit as well.

I think I did alright by not being phased by what happened. The fact that the girl said she would stay at the bar seems a little bit disrespectful, but maybe that's just my ego talking. Would you ditch this girl or text her and see if she's up for a 2nd date?

Have you ever gotten amogged by a bartender or waiter?

 

[Divorced w 3]

It seems like you are missing the forest for the trees. If I were in her position, you showing up late and then leaving within an hour, I simply wouldn’t have thought you had any interest.

The issue at hand is that you spent one hour together and then you left when it sounds like things were going well.

You took a woman to a bar on a date. Your job at this point is to build connection and bring her home that evening. It’s not that the bartender got her before you did if your recanting of the date is true here (although you didn’t help yourself with being late, and I also doubt it went the way you think it did). I wouldn’t put it past that she boned the bartender.

 

[Divorced w 3]

The fact that the girl said she would stay at the bar seems a little bit disrespectful, but maybe that's just my ego talking.

100% your ego talking

 

[optinimus]

100% your ego talking

I appreciate the feedback, you are most likely right. So what would you do? Text her tomorrow "I had a great time yesterday!" and see what she responds?

 

[optinimus]

It seems like you are missing the forest for the trees. If I were in her position, you showing up late and then leaving within an hour, I simply wouldn’t have thought you had any interest.

The issue at hand is that you spent one hour together and then you left when it sounds like things were going well.

You took a woman to a bar on a date. Your job at this point is to build connection and bring her home that evening. It’s not that the bartender got her before you did if your recanting of the date is true here (although you didn’t help yourself with being late, and I also doubt it went the way you think it did). I wouldn’t put it past that she boned the bartender.

Valid points.
At an early point she informed she didn't want to stay out too long, so I thought 1 hour was good enough.
I'm deliberately keeping my 1st dates short to one hour after hearing Blackdragon's advice, deliberately not going for the pull on the 1st date but inviting her over on the 2nd date instead. I am experimenting with this.

 

[characternote]

was he really good looking? Did she mention him at all? You might have read it wrong

However, I've had occasions where i've been hitting on a girl and she is busy drooling over the barman so i'd move on haha. There was one really good looking mofo who worked the bar at one of my favourite places back in the day. Could happen anywhere though, really. There's always better looking dudes around! Need to keep them away from them haha

 

[optinimus]

was he really good looking? Did she mention him at all? You might have read it wrong

However, I've had occasions where i've been hitting on a girl and she is busy drooling over the barman so i'd move on haha. There was one really good looking mofo who worked the bar at one of my favourite places back in the day. Could happen anywhere though, really. There's always better looking dudes around! Need to keep them away from them haha

I never actually saw the bartender. I was only inside the bar for 1 minute when I told her to come outside with me. She didn't mention him on the date, but she told me that he had told her that we had to buy something. I didn't care, we didn't buy anything (yay, free date).
Yes, absolutely need to keep them away. Big lesson learnt for me.

 

[Bokanovsky]

After we had talked for an hour, I told her I had to get going, and now something interesting happened. She asked me to bring the beer glass to the bar because she felt bad we hadn't bought anything. I told her don't worry, it's their job to clean up. We got up, and then she actually took the glass herself and brought it into the bar. A few mins later she comes out and says goodbye, and tells me she will stay at the bar.

So you go to a bar and sit there for an hour without ordering drinks and then say you have to leave?

 

[optinimus]

So you go to a bar and sit there for an hour without ordering drinks and then say you have to leave?

Sat outside the bar. We shared the beer she had gotten for free by the bartender. But yes. These days I'm trying to avoid buying drinks at expensive bars - waste of money. My plan was to take her to the grocery store, get some sodas and go for a walk.

 

[Vanderdonck]

Well you did, it's fine. You were also late so you left her in a position to get hit on. Doesn't sound like the date achieved your goals anyway. I would say be on time, don't mate guard, and escalate. After that if she gets amogged, okay.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I appreciate the feedback, you are most likely right. So what would you do? Text her tomorrow "I had a great time yesterday!" and see what she responds?

Allow this post to encompass both of your replies. It’s good to experiment. The entire point of this is to go out in the real world and try things out. Great job doing that.

You need to just calibrate based on how the vibe was. Trying to triage a bad date is never good. More likely than not this was just a calibration for your next date with someone new that you can simply get off on a better start right out of the gate.

with that said, only you really know the answer to your question. Give it 2-3 days and pick the phone up, light, pleasant, fun convo, have a new place in mind before you even call and shoot it direct, right between the eyes no ambiguity, in other words you say at some point based on the tone of the call, ‘so, how about (this place at this time and date)’ and you simply stop talking. Silence. Ball is in her court And then she either says yes or she gives you a legitimate reason why she can’t but SHE OFFERS AN ALTERNATIVE. If she doesn’t, you try one more spot, again need to understand this is the last opportunity. If she doesn’t give you a definite reason and / or responds with a place and time you say okay no harm no foul, I’m going to jump have a great evening.

that above sequence is from anti dump and I assure you he’s a hell of a lot better than black dragon

You ask me what I would have done, I would have brought her back that evening. Last time I was in your shoes I ended up in some chick’s apartment banging her against her glass wall overlooking the Hudson (until I noticed she was recording it on camera which was too weird even for me) but that anti dump sequence is how I got her out, and she simply said yes to
The first option. That’s what you want

 

[jhonny9546]

The subcontext here is that she might have had some exchanges with the bartender, and he might have said something about you. In that case, she may have perceived him as "superior" to you in some way.


How many times are we told to be respectful toward others, regardless of whether they're men or women?


And yet, women end up getting all wet and chasing after a man in a way that diminishes another man, mocking him, humiliating him, hitting him, talking badly about him behind his back, etc.


Any counter on this?

 

[justaroundthecorner]

Wild date story time. Just had a date with a cute Ukranian. Something absolutely unexpected happened during this date and i've definitely learnt a tough lesson here...

I told her to meet me in front of X bar, and I usually tell girls this because it's close to my home. It's not the bar where I will take them, but just the meeting point. On this date I arrived 5-10 minutes too late, and when I came, she already gone inside this particular bar, and of course, some bartender had already rizzed her up and given her a free beer.

I met her inside the bar, and told her to come sit outside with me, so at least I had her for myself. So far so good. On the date I think it went quite well. Good banter, physicality, and she seemed interested and even future projected some future date ideas like cooking etc. At the end I pitched the idea of us having wine at my place next time, and she seemed open to the idea with a little bit of hesitance (maybe to not seem too easy).

After we had talked for an hour, I told her I had to get going, and now something interesting happened. She asked me to bring the beer glass to the bar because she felt bad we hadn't bought anything. I told her don't worry, it's their job to clean up. We got up, and then she actually took the glass herself and brought it into the bar. A few mins later she comes out and says goodbye, and tells me she will stay at the bar.

I told her goodbye unphased and went home. At that point, I realized I had gotten amogged big time by the bartender.

I definitely learnt a lesson here:

Don't tell a girl to meet you in front of a bar, because they will think this is the place we will be going to, and they'll get in early and get hit on by a bartender. Also I think this girl was annoyed that I was late for the date, and maybe she wanted to test me a bit as well.

I think I did alright by not being phased by what happened. The fact that the girl said she would stay at the bar seems a little bit disrespectful, but maybe that's just my ego talking. Would you ditch this girl or text her and see if she's up for a 2nd date?

Have you ever gotten amogged by a bartender or waiter?

So let me sum it up:
- you got late on a date by 10 mins
- girl got a free beer from the bartender
- you've made no financial investment into date as it was bartender that provided the beer to the girl
- you spent only an hour on a date, provided idea about having wine at your place
- you are annoyed that girl was served by the bartender

My opinion: you came out like a cheapskate and perhaps a player - unless you are very handsome/her interest was still high due to your personal attributes or impeccable attire/old money look or anything else, I think you will not get a 2nd date with the girl.

The thing you did well: you did not carry the glass to the bartender.

If you are late to the first date, anything else should be perfect meaning you in shining armour paying for coffee/cake/beer and acting like a gentleman. I think being late and trying to make it a 0 USD cost date was a major turn off. If I was that girl, I would give you a fake number.

 

[Clockwerk50]

I agree with everyone. One thing that stood out from your story was that you didn’t buy anything during the date.

Being unwilling to spend, even in a small way, often comes across as emotionally closed-off or risk-averse. It signals a kind of self-protection, like you're afraid to give, not just money, but attention, energy, or presence. That kind of tightness is subtly unattractive because it reflects a mindset of scarcity.

Generosity, even in small gestures, shows confidence, openness, and a sense of abundance. It suggests you're comfortable with yourself and the moment. Cheapness, on the other hand, tends to feel restrictive, cautious, and disconnected. The fact that she stayed at the bar after you left it might indicate she felt more attention, spontaneity, interest, and/or fun being directed her way.

Not sure how things were between you two before the date, but if you’re playing the “cool guy” who expects all women to chase him, I’d suggest just wait for her to text you first.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Sat outside the bar. We shared the beer she had gotten for free by the bartender. But yes. These days I'm trying to avoid buying drinks at expensive bars - waste of money. My plan was to take her to the grocery store, get some sodas and go for a walk.

I have a better idea. You know those fast food restaurants that give you a cup and you pour yourself a drink at the fountain machine? Just walk in with your own cups and quickly pour while the attendant is busy taking orders from customers. You can be in and out in less than 30 seconds.

 

[SW15]

Have you ever gotten amogged by a bartender or waiter?

I haven't but I can imagine this happening on a more frequent basis. I think bartenders are more likely to do this than waiters.

You were not necessarily amogged here. You messed up the logistics and vibe with your poor communication.

I told her to meet me in front of X bar, and I usually tell girls this because it's close to my home. It's not the bar where I will take them, but just the meeting point.

When I set a drinks date with a woman (either from a tech method or a real life approach), I usually imply that we will be starting the night inside X bar. I never thought to do it like you did. You were precise on your instructions to have her meet you outside.

On this date I arrived 5-10 minutes too late, and when I came, she already gone inside this particular bar, and of course, some bartender had already rizzed her up and given her a free beer.

Were you intentionally late? In the USA, I think it is more common for men to be on time and women to be running late.

Unattended women at a bar are in demand. The bartenders can hit on them but so can other male bar attendees.

I met her inside the bar, and told her to come sit outside with me, so at least I had her for myself. So far so good. On the date I think it went quite well. Good banter, physicality, and she seemed interested and even future projected some future date ideas like cooking etc. At the end I pitched the idea of us having wine at my place next time, and she seemed open to the idea with a little bit of hesitance (maybe to not seem too easy).

After we had talked for an hour, I told her I had to get going, and now something interesting happened. She asked me to bring the beer glass to the bar because she felt bad we hadn't bought anything. I told her don't worry, it's their job to clean up. We got up, and then she actually took the glass herself and brought it into the bar. A few mins later she comes out and says goodbye, and tells me she will stay at the bar.

You definitely looked cheap by USA standards by taking her outside and not ordering any drinks at some outside table at this venue. You are in a Scandinavian country (post below) so the standard might be different. Scandinavia is Westernized, like the USA. Why didn't order drinks outside or actually stay inside? Staying inside that bar seems like the simple course.

The unspoken truth about seduction

The truth is that either you know how to connect with people or you dont. Its very simple. Make them feel listened to. That is the secret to a great seducer. Most of you goofies are too self absorbed to ever stfu and let her talk. If you ask enough questions you will eventually get her panties...

www.sosuave.net

My plan was to take her to the grocery store, get some sodas and go for a walk.

You had a poor plan. If you wanted to execute that date plan, arrange to meet the woman outside of that grocery store.

I definitely learnt a lesson here:

Don't tell a girl to meet you in front of a bar, because they will think this is the place we will be going to, and they'll get in early and get hit on by a bartender. Also I think this girl was annoyed that I was late for the date, and maybe she wanted to test me a bit as well.

The real lesson is to get your logistics on point. Your communication was terrible. Meeting at a bar implies a drinks date at a bar. Also, buy at least 1 round of drinks at a bar.

These days I'm trying to avoid buying drinks at expensive bars - waste of money.

I didn't care, we didn't buy anything (yay, free date).

It looks like you have bigger issues right now than dating. Inflation is awful in the USA right now and probably bad in Scandinavia too. Drinks at bars are overpriced in the USA right now either. If you can't afford to buy a total of 2 alcoholic drinks at a mid-tier bar, then you are going to have issues finding dates, short term sex, and longer term committed relationships.

Drinks at bars are a part of the seduction equation.

My opinion: you came out like a cheapskate and perhaps a player - unless you are very handsome/her interest was still high due to your personal attributes or impeccable attire/old money look or anything else, I think you will not get a 2nd date with the girl.

Being unwilling to spend, even in a small way, often comes across as emotionally closed-off or risk-averse. It signals a kind of self-protection, like you're afraid to give, not just money, but attention, energy, or presence. That kind of tightness is subtly unattractive because it reflects a mindset of scarcity.

Agree with these assessments. There is zero chance of a 2nd date happening here. @optinimus had bad communication, bad logistics, and came off as a cheapskate. None of this drops panties, even for a better than average looking man.

 

[ValiantMale]

Ouch man.

I would say, stop blaming the bartender. The problem here seems like you guys went out, barely ordered any drinks and she didn't have much fun--so she decided to stay.

Just take your loss and learn from it. Don't play the blame game.

 

[optinimus]

Ouch man.

I would say, stop blaming the bartender. The problem here seems like you guys went out, barely ordered any drinks and she didn't have much fun--so she decided to stay.

Just take your loss and learn from it. Don't play the blame game.

I'm not playing the blame game. I take 100% responsibility. From now on, I will never tell girls to meet me in front of this bar, but rather meet me in front of a close 7/11 or something similar.

The reason I didn't buy drinks at that place is that it's a fancy, expensive ****tail bar. Me buying drinks would most likely not change the outcome. It wouldn't change the fact that I was 10 mins late, she had already gotten hit on, and she probably already had more tingles for the bartender

I usually take girls to cheap places and it's never been an issue, only with provider hunter type girls who are out to get wined & dined. Going for a walk and having a cheap soda works amazingly well, too.

BTW, I usually always arrive approx 5 mins after the girl, as I only leave my house once she texts me that she's there. We all know women have a hard time keeping appointments, so this is totally a time saver. I've never had issues arriving 5 mins late, but 10 mins is probably pushing it.

 

[Bokanovsky]

I'm not playing the blame game. I take 100% responsibility. From now on, I will never tell girls to meet me in front of this bar, but rather meet me in front of a close 7/11 or something similar.

But what if she walks into the 7/11 and gets offered a free taquito? Getting amogged by "Apu" is probably even worse, no?

 

[optinimus]

But what if she walks into the 7/11 and gets offered a free taquito? Getting amogged by "Apu" is probably even worse, no?

Total non issue. A girl would never go inside the 7/11 to wait and get hit on, and even if she did, we would be moving out of there as it's no date location. There's always a risk she'll be hit on by a daygamer, but much less of a threat than a bartender giving her a free drink and rizzing her up.