So she didn't come up that weekend, which is fine because I desperately needed to get some work done. But we hung out for a little yesterday, and I felt like unpacking my thoughts.
It was fun to hang out, I enjoyed her company as always. But I couldn't help but check her out and think all kinds of stuff to say to seduce. Some of them I said, mostly to test the water and see how she'd respond. She laughed, but it was clear she thought nothing more of what I was saying than as a joke.
Anyways, I decided to ask her if we could be more than friends. She clarified with something along the lines of "like fvcking?" to which I said yeah. In summary, she said not 'right now' (emphasis mine, bc maybe we can climb outta the friendzone lmao, but I'm not pressed) because she doesn't want to mess up what she has with this guy she's exclusively banging (who's in a open relationship) but is 'not her boyfriend' (lmao... if it looks like a boyfriend.. acts like a boyfriend..). There were some other points she made, like past situations with long time friends turning fwb turning out bad and her being too emotional to let it return to a friendship afterwards. But anyways, the details are neither here nor there - I'm just a friend.
Later that night, my roommate was doing homework on the couch, so no one could sleep there. She said she was fine with sleeping in my bed. I did not sleep well. I was in my head big time. 'Should I try this should I do that'... you know how it goes. I made some comments hinting at sex but nothing seemed to land. And I didn't really try any kino in bed because I'm not good at it and I didn't want things to get weird if it went wrong (should've just done it but oh well, can't change the past). She turned her back to me when she was trying to sleep and kept a safe distance. Somehow we brought up the 5 Love Languages and she disclosed that she likes to be the one to initiate touch. And then of course that sh!t was running through my mind as each potentially accidental knee brush (very minimal) occurred. Anyways, she falls asleep and I'm in my head thinking 'damn I should've done that or said that'.
But I digress. The point of this whole post is this:
1. I need to spin more plates. If I was, then I would've made more aggressive moves and not cared so much about the outcome. The outcome wouldn't matter since I knew I could/was going to get some anyways. But since I haven't been getting any lately (largely due to being busy af), ya boi was focused on the outcome but had all the inhibitions.
2. Related to 1. it's clear she sees me as just a friend and as other people mentioned, she would need to see me with other women to change that. I'm not gonna get more women for this purpose, but I realize now the benefit it could have.
3. Do what you want. Either you do it and fail. Or you do it and succeed. It's not the outcome that matters, the only way you can be truly disappointed with the situation is if you don't act on your feelings/go for it. Rejection is better than regret. I'm working on becoming better at this. It takes some time to internalize the idgaf attitude. But I'll put myself out there more, deal with the downfalls and revel in the benefits. I need to lose my filter.
This post was just for me to reflect on the situation. While some of the advice here made sense to me, it never really made sense until things went down. Experience is the best teacher. I'm not writing to try and figure out how to win her over, I'm writing to bring light to my faults so I can own them and do what I need to do to get better. Maybe I'll try again with her, but that's not really important - there's other women out there. The 3rd point is the most pertinent thing for me to get out of this. So I'm going to focus on that. I'll give it some thought and maybe post about it somewhere later.
Be breezy.
