Dear Prudence: My Husband Hates It When I Go Out Dancing

[DEEZEDBRAH]

I agree... if he wants to keep her then he has to put in some effort... I'm not saying he has to become a pathetic simp... but he just needs to say, let's go dancing... then tell her she has to do something for him. If she isn't willing for a little give and take he's already lost her... and he needs to let her go.

I disagree. Obv, lift something but married women clubbing till past midnight is a *****. No exceptions.

This is top form SMV behavior. Its Sloot gonna Sloot behavior. Not wife material.

Him going dancing is pandering. No man goes dancing that isnt a soy boy. Men club to pull. Women do do for being *****s and attention *****s. pick your poison.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

Large or small you don't hit on another guys woman right in front of him, that's asking for a beat down.

Normally, I would agree but, the amount of low testosterone men and soy boys these days, most would be buying you the hotel room and fapping as you plow their wife.

 

[devilkingx2]

I don't think your analogy works. There are plenty of aggressive large dogs.

Are there? Naturally aggressive large dogs? I thought it was a general trend was that big dogs are mellower and the dogs with a rep for viciousness like Rottweilers and Pitbulls have to be raised that way

 

[RangerMIke]

I disagree. Obv, lift something but married women clubbing till past midnight is a *****. No exceptions.

This is top form SMV behavior. Its Sloot gonna Sloot behavior. Not wife material.

Him going dancing is pandering. No man goes dancing that isnt a soy boy. Men club to pull. Women do do for being *****s and attention *****s. pick your poison.

I didn't say it was okay to go clubbing without him, I said if she likes doing this he should try and go with her. And if he doesn't like doing this then he should just file for divorce, get it over with... go into divorce coast and get fiscally @ss banged. Why stay married to someone that you do not have anything in common with. Yea she isn't wife material accept for the fact that she is a WIFE.

When you are a husband... you already have the nose ring on. You are already at least a little bit of a pandering simp... saying you won't go dancing doesn't make you a tough guy. Men do dance... I guarantee you will pull more women if you know how to dance. Take some lessons and get good at it.

 

[HankHill]

I agree... if he wants to keep her then he has to put in some effort... I'm not saying he has to become a pathetic simp... but he just needs to say, let's go dancing... then tell her she has to do something for him. If she isn't willing for a little give and take he's already lost her... and he needs to let her go.

He did tell her she has to do something for him i.e. be home by a decent hour and check her phone for texts every now and again. As for him going with her, may be he tried and the jealousy? may be because of her past behaviors. We just don't know the whole story. But this dancing thing is usually not a once in a while thing, it's an every Fri, every Sat, the random last min events and then on top of that text invitations from the guys who they're meeting at these events to come to their bday parties etc. How do I know this? you guessed it! I had a gf that did exactly that, just out of the blue decided to take lessons and then joined meetup groups. She was also the type of person who enjoyed getting attention from other men because of her low self-esteem/daddy issues (of course this all became obvious after the first couple of years of her being a great gf, typical chameleon woman). I went dancing with her multiple times but line/country dancing is just not my thing and I couldn't see myself wasting my life's 6-8hrs weekly on stupid chit like that in my mid 30s at the time. I live my life productively. This is why for a LTR when I see a woman who has no actual hobbies i.e. traveling, gardening, reading etc and she's posting most of her profile pics with beer/alcohol and parties in the background I steer clear. Plates? sure in fact, those types of women are perfect for that.

 

[HankHill]

Are there? Naturally aggressive large dogs? I thought it was a general trend was that big dogs are mellower and the dogs with a rep for viciousness like Rottweilers and Pitbulls have to be raised that way

Not true at all. My 87lbs GSD would lose his sh*t if a stranger (animal or human) entered his territory (house, campsite etc). Hence the guard dog genes. However, as I said a real Alpha wolf will fight to death if you hit on his b*tch.

 

[jaymbrs]

The funny thing about it all is if he stops complaining about it, she won't like it either. Her mind will probable wander and think that he no longer cares about her or that he's cheating on her. It's a lose-lose situation.

 

[BeExcellent]

She's a young woman who is doing nothing wrong. She is going out with friends because that's what people do!

The man is acting insecure and shouldn't even be bothered by it. She's not cheating on him, she's just out with friends having a good time which is healthy. The man needs to go out with his friends but go somewhere different to where she is.

What I take away from the article is that this situation creates a great deal of strife within the relationship. That has got to get resolved one way or another eventually or it is going to seep into more and more of the marriage and erode it.

I'm a "club girl" as many of you here might define it. Many of you know that I married a nightclub owner in fact. I have danced for more than 30 years, C&W, Latin, ballroom and etc. and it is something I am passionate about. Frankly it's fantastic exercise as well as being fun and with my man, sexy. I'm also a night owl, which shouldn't be a surprise. I know that the type of men I am most compatible with are similarly men who love to dance and who are themselves night owls who enjoy the nightlife and all that stuff. Now obviously that carries its own set of risks and disadvantages but I know I'm never going to be happy with a man who expects to read quietly and go to bed at 10pm at night. I'd find that stifling. I also prefer to get out and about WITH the man I'm seeing as the whole point is having fun together doing something we both really enjoy.

This wife seems to have married a man who she isn't compatible with in this way AND he is a complete dolt if she wants to enjoy something she's always enjoyed. If the shoe was on the other foot say, and the wife was being a complete crumudgeon about her husband going to play darts or drink beer with his buddies or have a man's poker night (for example), you guys would all crucify this woman. Hubby is invited, her chooses not only not to go, but chooses to be a complete ass hat about it, and this strikes me as controlling, lazy, sour, and jealous/insecure.

To me the take home message is that you need to pick someone who you are compatible with, and you need to rein in your own insecurities when your partner does activities independent of you. That is what two healthy individuals in a relationship do, keep up individual interests and remain a whole person in addition to being a good relationship partner. These things are not mutually exclusive.

The responses here on this thread, IMO come directly out of the maturity level of the responders. Some of you see the guy as being a kill-joy stick-in-the-mud, some of you think the woman is completely out of line. I'd say the husband's sulking and acting butt hurt is the bigger issue. He's restricting his wife, which creates a scarcity mindset toward the night time socializing, and that is only going to mean she wants to do it MORE, not less. The husband is too immature or dense to recognize this, and therefore he is through his behavior making it an even bigger issue than it should be. THAT is what is going to erode the marriage. Once this woman has children and so forth her ability to go run around with her friends is going to be seriously curtailed any way, but the man (if we are to take the relationship on face value as presented) is too short sighted to see all that.

Notice how his behavior and creation of a scarcity mindset in the wife has precipitated this letter in the first place. The man could have handled this a completely different way and this would not have risen to the stature that wifey is writing to a "Dear Abby" type column.

Food for thought.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

What I take away from the article is that this situation creates a great deal of strife within the relationship. That has got to get resolved one way or another eventually or it is going to seep into more and more of the marriage and erode it.

I'm a "club girl" as many of you here might define it. Many of you know that I married a nightclub owner in fact. I have danced for more than 30 years, C&W, Latin, ballroom and etc. and it is something I am passionate about. Frankly it's fantastic exercise as well as being fun and with my man, sexy. I'm also a night owl, which shouldn't be a surprise. I know that the type of men I am most compatible with are similarly men who love to dance and who are themselves night owls who enjoy the nightlife and all that stuff. Now obviously that carries its own set of risks and disadvantages but I know I'm never going to be happy with a man who expects to read quietly and go to bed at 10pm at night. I'd find that stifling. I also prefer to get out and about WITH the man I'm seeing as the whole point is having fun together doing something we both really enjoy.

This wife seems to have married a man who she isn't compatible with in this way AND he is a complete dolt if she wants to enjoy something she's always enjoyed. If the shoe was on the other foot say, and the wife was being a complete crumudgeon about her husband going to play darts or drink beer with his buddies or have a man's poker night (for example), you guys would all crucify this woman. Hubby is invited, her chooses not only not to go, but chooses to be a complete ass hat about it, and this strikes me as controlling, lazy, sour, and jealous/insecure.

To me the take home message is that you need to pick someone who you are compatible with, and you need to rein in your own insecurities when your partner does activities independent of you. That is what two healthy individuals in a relationship do, keep up individual interests and remain a whole person in addition to being a good relationship partner. These things are not mutually exclusive.

The responses here on this thread, IMO come directly out of the maturity level of the responders. Some of you see the guy as being a kill-joy stick-in-the-mud, some of you think the woman is completely out of line. I'd say the husband's sulking and acting butt hurt is the bigger issue. He's restricting his wife, which creates a scarcity mindset toward the night time socializing, and that is only going to mean she wants to do it MORE, not less. The husband is too immature or dense to recognize this, and therefore he is through his behavior making it an even bigger issue than it should be. THAT is what is going to erode the marriage. Once this woman has children and so forth her ability to go run around with her friends is going to be seriously curtailed any way, but the man (if we are to take the relationship on face value as presented) is too short sighted to see all that.

Notice how his behavior and creation of a scarcity mindset in the wife has precipitated this letter in the first place. The man could have handled this a completely different way and this would not have risen to the stature that wifey is writing to a "Dear Abby" type column.

Food for thought.

I think if he's married to someone like that he needs to participate. To take a few classes and be with her at least half the time. This is how bonding happens.

 

[zekko]

If you don't like to dance, don't marry a dancer, I guess.
Seems a shame to have something like this come between you if the relationship is strong otherwise though. Oh well.

Maybe it isn't all about the dancing for the guy, maybe he doesn't like the environment or the lifestyle. I haven't had any alcohol in I can't remember how long, and I don't find it enjoyable to be around drunk people. Always makes me think I could be doing something more productive. I know a lot of PUAs who don't drink push the idea of going to bars and club sober. Lol, no wonder their techniques are working, they keep their wits about them and hit on the impaired!

 

[BeExcellent]

The wife needs to be more understanding of her husband, and the husband more understanding of the wife. They need to get out on the table why the giant disconnect over this issue and then they can see about resolving it. It does seem a shame to risk an otherwise healthy relationship over this issue, but I hold that asking someone to completely give up something they enjoy typically backfires. It is felt as controlling/restricting and that isn't good.

The thing about marriage or a LTR is that communication is key and relationships have a way of growing us as individuals. Sometimes kicking and screaming, but they grow us nevertheless. These two are still adjusting to committed married life and this perhaps is but a bump in the road as they grow as individuals and together.

 

[HankHill]

The woman decided after 7yrs of marriage to just start going out dancing and clubbing, and now expects the man to jump on board with her slooty behavior. Women that never grow out of partying into the wee hours of the night are sloots and not relationship material to a 'decent' man. The only man who will go along with it is not a sophisticated, educated person or he's a player who surrounds himself with such women. I have zero respect for (especially those in LTRs and marriages) women who get drunk and dance grinding on others, getting hit on and all the usual sh*t that goes on in places like that.

 

[BeExcellent]

The woman decided after 7yrs of marriage to just start going out dancing and clubbing, and now expects the man to jump on board with her slooty behavior. Women that never grow out of partying into the wee hours of the night are sloots and not relationship material to a 'decent' man. The only man who will go along with it is not a sophisticated, educated person or he's a player who surrounds himself with such women. I have zero respect for (especially those in LTRs and marriages) women who get drunk and dance grinding on others, getting hit on and all the usual sh*t that goes on in places like that.

Seems you are making a jump to many assumptions here. You assume several things, namely:

1. Women who like night life are of loose moral character
2. That she drinks to excess
3. That she "grinds" on other men
4. It is a behavior that must be outgrown.

I strongly disagree with each of these assumptions on the merit. You also assume 'decent' men aren't ever in these environments. I can tell you that is factually untrue. Each individual person is different and it is silly to make such sweeping value judgements like this. People are social and like to get out and enjoy themselves at times. In the nightclub business we saw all comers. It wasn't all players and party girls I'm here to tell you.

Obviously you identify with the husband here, and that's fine. I obviously identify with the wife. My point stands in that I see a more vast incompatibility between these two types of people than the writer of the letter seems to appreciate.

 

[HankHill]

Seems you are making a jump to many assumptions here. You assume several things, namely:

1. Women who like night life are of loose moral character
2. That she drinks to excess
3. That she "grinds" on other men
4. It is a behavior that must be outgrown.

I strongly disagree with each of these assumptions on the merit. You also assume 'decent' men aren't ever in these environments. I can tell you that is factually untrue.

I can tell you that is factually untrue. Each individual person is different and it is silly to make such sweeping value judgements like this. People are social and like to get out and enjoy themselves at times.

They're not assumptions instead it's what I've seen and experienced first hand in my adult life and having been with a woman like the one in the letter.

'Ever' is a strong word but I'd say 'most likely'. Majority of the time men only go to clubs and bars to pick up women (usually for short term fun) not to dance the night away - there's usually an agenda at the end of the evening and women know that very well. Sure, it all starts out innocently enough but as they say you play with fire sooner or later you'll get burned. It's the same thing if a guy all of a sudden decides he wants to start going to the strip clubs...it's only a matter of time when a woman seduces him at the right time. Or if he decides he enjoys drugs and starts to snort with a bunch of crack hoe circle of friends? oh it's ok, he's a social person and wants to have a little fun, where's the harm? What determines where the line on 'fun' and the 'social' aspect of living is being crossed? As a married woman don't they have better things to do with their lives? such as oh I don't know, raising a family, helping the kids with their homework, having sex with your husband, tending to the house and related stuff, inviting friends over for the labor day bbq, attending b.day parties, having a movie night with the family or friends, growing tomatoes in the backyard, going out to the restaurants with your friends, planning the next trip to the bahamas or generally being a wife who's helping her husband and family advance and achieve goals in life. That's a quality woman - one who transitions from her single life to a married life.

In the nightclub business we saw all comers. It wasn't all players and party girls I'm here to tell you.

That says it all.

 

[Who Dares Win]

Wish my ex gf would have done the same, too bad she wanted me with her all the time and would rather not go than leaving me the fvck alone playing videogames at home.

 

[soulforge]

I just don't touch bar hoes!

Personal choice.. they are fukin trouble!

 

[HankHill]

Communication is not key, because there are different roles and different standards. A woman who shows paranoia at her man cheating is considered normal and even cute sometimes. A man doing the same is considered insecure, pathetic, and invariably Blamed for her cheating when he catches her doing it eventually. Jealousy itself is consider normal female behavior and abnormal male behavior.

The man and woman communicated here, and the man looks weak, clingy, and pathetic while the woman looks entirely justified and everyone will tell her as much. I don't even necessarily disagree except that having been in this situation before it's usually a lot more complicated.

Trust is key in a relationship. It's usually there from the beginning when two people start out in a relationship but overtime as either party does something damaging (or learns of things from their partner's past) that much of it gets subtracted from the total, until it gets to the point where even the innocuous things become suspicious.

I agree, a man suspects that his gf/partner will cheat (he knows from past behaviors/signs etc) and that she or her friends can't be trusted in that situation so he objects. Everyone, both men and women turn on him calling him insecure and pathetic. Then just as he suspected she cheats and people blame the guy for her cheating. Oh you didn't trust her so she cheated, WTF? No she cheated because she is a cheater, and untrustworthy. People talk a great deal about women's intuition, well guess what? men have it too about their partners...it's a gut feeling and it's usually correct.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Drunk women stick their tongues down people's throats, Period.

I know women I would consider high quality that drink and party and women I consider low quality that don't, but even those quality women will mess around a little bit when drunk.

Its hard to explain how disconcerting it is when your girl goes out and texts you all night and then suddenly stops. Or texts you Friday night when out but disappears Saturday, then texts Sunday (3, day bender). How is that acceptable? What could I possibly say without making myself look insecure or signalling to her that all she needs to do to seem upright is a few generic texts?

Went out with a girl the other night, was a complete ho for me after one beer. Enjoyable, but I'm not kidding myself. She went out of her way to tell me "I'm only like that with you" lmao.

Anyway, I don't think either of us are saying he should act the way he is acting, but we are saying it's not as simple as just a wacky guy being insecure.

Treats hos as hos and it's easy.

 

[HankHill]

Drunk women stick their tongues down people's throats, Period.

Went out with a girl the other night, was a complete ho for me after one beer. Enjoyable, but I'm not kidding myself. She went out of her way to tell me "I'm only like that with you" lmao.

Anyway, I don't think either of us are saying he should act the way he is acting, but we are saying it's not as simple as just a wacky guy being insecure.

LOL! and I bet her Alpha man is sitting at home working on that Excel report for his CFO going 'This is so worth it for our future. I hope my baby's having fun with her girlfriends. I'm not insecure like those beta dudes. I bet I'll even get head tonight when she gets home'. For his sake hopefully he was having a 3some.

This idea that committed/married women should be out clubbing/partying till 2am, bumping and grinding on a regular basis is beyond me. Perfect plates material but not LTR material.

 

[BeExcellent]

've seen and experienced first hand in my adult life and having been with a woman like the one in the letter.

Your assumptions come from one woman's bad behavior and your experience. You picked the chick and you stayed with her without requiring standards. Good for you for having standards now however your ex gf's behavior and your experience does not translate to all women any more than my experience with my ex husband translates to all men.

That says it all.

Your comment makes me laugh. I wonder what sort of assumptions are contained in that loaded nebulous statement, lol. Somebody has to run such businesses and they can be plenty lucrative of run properly and the risks adequately managed. It has also been said that if you do something you love, you'll never work a day in your life. My ex loves the night club business and showing other people a good time.

My experience, having been in the business in a major nightlife city in one of the top venues is that there are many many more "normal" people who come out on any given night than not. Some get wasted, most do not. Sure you are going to have your regulars...but in the venue my ex owned (high end swank type live music venue) the riff raff couldn't afford to get in, never mind the drink prices, the crowd was both attractive and affluent, and people who over consumed were shown the door by security and the off duty state police. We saw academics, white collar professionals, business people, graduate students, celebrities and politicians all the time mixed with a mostly older (late 20s through 60s) crowd who could afford good cigars, high end libations, good wine and so forth. The 21 year olds generally didn't frequent our place although we got some young gals who liked to be spoiled by older men with money. You'll see that to some degree or another at any high end venue. We had great bands who catered to various groups like ballroom dancers, Latin dancers, or country dancers based on the draw of a particular act. The crowd was best categorized as affluent young professionals.

The second venue my ex ran (with my help) catered again to the upper eschelon group in a smaller city. We did many special events in addition to bar/restaurant and also had high end lattes and a bakery we were known for. Some nights we made more money selling craft lattes to high school students who were there to see a local band consisting of...other high school peers. Those were fun evenings and gave the underage something fun to hang out and do.

Neither place was a Roadhouse joint nor a honky tonk or biker bar. Maybe that's your idea of a nightclub...it has never been mine, although I like a good honky tonk sometimes if they have a great band because I enjoy C&W dancing (waltz, two step, polka, jitterbug, etc.). Country Western dancers are generally pretty nice people and many go as much to dance and enjoy themselves as to meet people (and specifically to meet other dancers if they are single). I dated a man for almost 5 years whose parents went dancing together each week twice a week. His parents were thoroughly in love with one another and were happily married over 50 years. I knew LOTS of married couples that went dancing together and thoroughly enjoyed that activity.

So I've never seen "dancing" as some pariah as you seem to. My ex and I enjoyed going dancing together for years. My BF and I now do too as we've both danced for decades and its nice that we share a passion for that activity.

Just because you don't care for a particular activity doesn't mean the activity is bad. If a woman is unhappy and going to cheat she's just as likely to get involved with someone she has regular contact with and knows well through work or church or any activity she is regularly doing. My BF and I joke with one of his buddies about how we got together through nightlife...and I'm thought of as a "good girl" and his buddy keeps finding single women from his church who cannot be described as anything other than promiscuous (and some of the things I've personnally heard while on double dates with a couple of these women are eye opening to say the least). Where's the logic in that? There can be good girls out on the town just as easily as there can be w h o r e s in church. Night life does not automatically equal poor quality people. Many who work hard during the week and/or turn up in church pews on Sunday enjoy nightlife on occasion. You need to get out more or go to higher quality places and you'll see what I mean.

The issue with the couple in question from the article is that of scarcity. He could be telling her not to go play golf or not to go to coffee or anything else. He's fixated on this and chosen this hill to die on. I think that's unwise. He's creating a bigger problem than exists on the face of it. There is no good reason for him to forbid her seeing her friends a couple of times a month, he gets time with her the other 28 nights. Is he so insecure that he ruins days and causes fights over this type of thing? What if it was her saying no to poker nights or beer & burgers with the boys? If one member of the couple is overly restrictive and controlling of the other things tend to erode and turn out badly.

What's curious to me is why Hank, you seem to have so much invested in nightclub = bad. Too bad if that was your previous experience but you are free to pick other chicks more compatible with you and your lifestyle at this point. My experience has been that there are many cool, successful folks who enjoy nightlife and also happen to be stand up folks. You seem to hold the view that those things are mutually exclusive. They aren't, irrespective of your individual experience.

And I think jealousy is an abhorrent trait in either a man or a woman. Insecure people are simply no fun to be in a relationship with. Men might be better attuned to it and just think "oh that's how women are"...but if that's how one thinks then that is a man whose not had a relationship with a woman who has high self esteem.

Water does seek its own level and if you are an insecure man you are unlikely to be able to attract and keep a woman who is secure in herself. Same for men. Secure men get tired sooner rather than later of jealous, needy women who try and cage them. Secure people are basically incompatible over the long haul with insecure people.