I have a very strange dichotomy when it comes to dating

[bigdave17]

Women who approach me first or show very signs of interest towards me - I'm instantly very comfortable/confident around them and they like me quite a bit.


Women that I have to approach/go in sorta cold - it's almost like i don't believe that they could like me so I come across desperate, like I'm trying way too hard. The lack of self belief comes across very clearly and the women never like me


Why do I not believe that I'm worthy of a standard 25 or 26 year old cutie? Am I putting them up on a pedestal?

 

[RedScorpion]

Yes.

 

[jaymbrs]

Women who approach me first or show very signs of interest towards me - I'm instantly very comfortable/confident around them and they like me quite a bit.


Women that I have to approach/go in sorta cold - it's almost like i don't believe that they could like me so I come across desperate, like I'm trying way too hard. The lack of self belief comes across very clearly and the women never like me


Why do I not believe that I'm worthy of a standard 25 or 26 year old cutie? Am I putting them up on a pedestal?

This isn't rocket science dude. If someone likes you, you're naturally more relaxed and "yourself" so to speak. When someone doesn't like you or shows no signs they like you, your natural response is to avoid this person.

 

[bigdave17]

This isn't rocket science dude. If someone likes you, you're naturally more relaxed and "yourself" so to speak. When someone doesn't like you or shows no signs they like you, your natural response is to avoid this person.

it shouldn't be like that


I have complete confidence that I'm close everybody at work, no matter how easy or difficult they may seem. I need to have the same confidence with women


I think my problem is I still feel like it's much harder than it really is. I'm making the process much harder in my head than it really is

 

[switch7]

it shouldn't be like that


I have complete confidence that I'm close everybody at work, no matter how easy or difficult they may seem. I need to have the same confidence with women


I think my problem is I still feel like it's much harder than it really is. I'm making the process much harder in my head than it really is

There is a lot that you don't understand about yourself from a psychological perspective and I think if you made it your goal to understand yourself better over the next year, ( that means reading lots of books and lots of self reflection) you would then be able to solve your problem with women.

 

[bigdave17]

There is a lot that you don't understand about yourself from a psychological perspective and I think if you made it your goal to understand yourself better over the next year, ( that means reading lots of books and lots of self reflection) you would then be able to solve your problem with women.

my problem is specific, not overall (IMO). I have supreme confidence in almost all other areas of my life

 

[17 shots]

You put women on a pedestal because you don't have enough experience with them. You still see them as these innocent, loving creatures who will complete you, and do no wrong... Just put yourself out there and go on dates, the sooner you do, the sooner you'll realize that most women are stupid and annoying

Forget all this perfect woman for you stuff for a little while. You need experience right now. You are confident at your job because you know what to expect and what to look for, you have EXPERIENCE in your field

 

[bigdave17]

You put women on a pedestal because you don't have enough experience with them. You still see them as these innocent, loving creatures who will complete you, and do no wrong... Just put yourself out there and go on dates, the sooner you do, the sooner you'll realize that most women are stupid and annoying

Forget all this perfect woman for you stuff for a little while. You need experience right now. You are confident at your job because you know what to expect and what to look for, you have EXPERIENCE in your field

I've slept with 12 to 15 women and had tons of others who were interested in me

the problem is that they don't give me the confidence I need with the ones I really want. I already have confidence with single moms and 34 year olds

 

[17 shots]

I've slept with 12 to 15 women and had tons of others who were interested in me

the problem is that they don't give me the confidence I need with the ones I really want. I already have confidence with single moms and 34 year olds

Any man can sleep with a woman. You don't have the real experience needed to understand and control a woman's mind. You've never made a woman wet just by talking to her... You've never won a woman over that you really wanted through persistence, and determination

 

[corrector]

There is a lot that you don't understand about yourself from a psychological perspective and I think if you made it your goal to understand yourself better over the next year, ( that means reading lots of books and lots of self reflection) you would then be able to solve your problem with women.

Maybe he should just look at the movie "Hitch" and hire a dating coach.

 

[corrector]

Any man can sleep with a woman. You don't have the real experience needed to understand and control a woman's mind. You've never made a woman wet just by talking to her... You've never won a woman over that you really wanted through persistence, and determination

Again it shows that advice of GFTOW to help with oneitis in the past, or get a "piece on the side", just doesn't work, because "anyone can do that" sort of deal. I wonder about the advice of say "hi" to six attractive women per day still works and have a score-card of how many women say hi back or just flat-out ignore you is still helpful. The idea of this old advice is you should have the confidence to approach any women and say hi to her (or at least cough a hi). If you can't even do that then you can't complain if you can't get with the type of women you want since you can't even make a baby step.

 

[Serenity]

Women that I have to approach/go in sorta cold - it's almost like i don't believe that they could like me so I come across desperate, like I'm trying way too hard.

Stop trying so hard then...

 

[switch7]

my problem is specific, not overall (IMO). I have supreme confidence in almost all other areas of my life

Whether specific or not it's still a psychological problem imo. Let me ask you a question, is everything you have achieved in life done because it was something you were passionate about or was it done to impress other people?

 

[sazc]

It was done to impress other people, so he could show them he wasn't as bad/lazy/stupid/etc as they thought he was.

I'm guessing big Dave will get at least 12 pages of attention out of this thread.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

No. You're putting yourself on a pedestal.

Because you have not succeeded with these particular women before, you have no clue as to what really works and what doesn't. Therefor you have no confidence in doing it. So, in an effort to grasp at some straw of reason, you put yourself on this pedestal because that is the only thing that makes sense to you right now: Be a great catch and the great women should come.

Right now you're like a salesman who has only sold a really hot gizmo product that virtually sells itself; a product that has never truly tested your skills as a salesman. You have masqueraded yourself as the greatest gizmo salesman of the year for all of those sales so easily made. But now it's time to test your skills..... and you don't know what to do... and this leads to inaction. Frozen in fear. Knowing failure is certain if you do put those skills to a true challenge. You know and realize that you will find out what it is you're really made of, and you're afraid of the truth.

You're afraid of the undeniable possibility that you are not that great "salesman", the great catch you now always pride yourself upon. That is the cornerstone of your psychological foundation right now, Dave, and you know, deep down, that if that cornerstone is proven to be a weak one built upon sand.... that the whole damn building is coming down.

If you don't know what to do now, what on Earth are you going to do then?

Nope.
Better to do nothing.
Better to stay in denial than find out the ugly truth.
Better to try to find another gizmo that sells itself, rather than rise to the challenge of becoming a truly great salesman.

Nope.

Better to keep telling yourself you're the catch, hoping it will all somehow miraculously work out in the end, saving you from that rude awakening you know is coming and you're so afraid of.

You've woven yourself into a cocoon and you do not want to come out of it.

He's trying to force his frame to work. Well he could lower his target one or too points and start having sex with slightly less attractive ones in that grouping. Once he's tagging one, others will become available.

 

[bigdave17]

Whether specific or not it's still a psychological problem imo. Let me ask you a question, is everything you have achieved in life done because it was something you were passionate about or was it done to impress other people?

I've always had intense passion to be great at everything

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I've always had intense passion to be great at everything

That'll mess you up plus imossible. Take all that energy and get good at slaying honies.

 

[corrector]

No. You're putting yourself on a pedestal.

Because you have not succeeded with these particular women before, you have no clue as to what really works and what doesn't. Therefor you have no confidence in doing it. So, in an effort to grasp at some straw of reason, you put yourself on this pedestal because that is the only thing that makes sense to you right now: Be a great catch and the great women should come.

Right now you're like a salesman who has only sold a really hot gizmo product that virtually sells itself; a product that has never truly tested your skills as a salesman. You have masqueraded yourself as the greatest gizmo salesman of the year for all of those sales so easily made. But now it's time to test your skills..... and you don't know what to do... and this leads to inaction. Frozen in fear. Knowing failure is certain if you do put those skills to a true challenge. You know and realize that you will find out what it is you're really made of, and you're afraid of the truth.

You're afraid of the undeniable possibility that you are not that great "salesman", the great catch you now always pride yourself upon. That is the cornerstone of your psychological foundation right now, Dave, and you know, deep down, that if that cornerstone is proven to be a weak one built upon sand.... that the whole damn building is coming down.

If you don't know what to do now, what on Earth are you going to do then?

Nope.
Better to do nothing.
Better to stay in denial than find out the ugly truth.
Better to try to find another gizmo that sells itself, rather than rise to the challenge of becoming a truly great salesman.

Nope.

Better to keep telling yourself you're the catch, hoping it will all somehow miraculously work out in the end, saving you from that rude awakening you know is coming and you're so afraid of.

You've woven yourself into a cocoon and you do not want to come out of it.

This sounds like something that could be a script for a great film. Seriously, some of the best screenplay ideas are on this board. I can imagine you and bigdave sitting next to each other and having this conversation.

Bigdave17 needs a UPS. It's called a "Unique Selling Proposition". It's something that argues why would someone take an action or buy with you, as opposed to your competitor, or do nothing at all. I've seen allot of dating materials out in the past, when I was into it, and honestly, I couldn't think of one for myself, and as a result I think I settled for mediocrity with relationships rather than getting something amazing which lasted.

I think, a core inner game issue is you need a UPS. The question is what makes bigdave17 unique or better than the competition? How is he going to market himself to that target market? What does that target market want? Maybe he should be focusing on how he can make a woman FEEL ROMANTICALLY by proper anchoring and Neuro-Linguistic Programming?

 

[corrector]

I've always had intense passion to be great at everything

A Jack of all trades is a master of none.

 

[zekko]

I think, a core inner game issue is you need a UPS. The question is what makes bigdave17 unique or better than the competition

I don't think Dave would have any trouble answering that question. Every thread he starts is full of him talking about how great is, and what a great catch he is, over and over. You really want to see the list again?

It's an interesting question in general though. I'd be curious to know how different Sosuavers would answer it.