When abundance isn't enough

[TheFixer14]

So, the last few months have been interesting. Overall, I have to say that I've gotten stronger both physically and mentally. I was diagnosed bipolar and have been on medication dealing with that. Professionally speaking, things are on the up and up. Some of my "dreams" are starting to manifest.

As far as women, things have gotten pretty easy in the sense that I stopped really getting flakes. I started dating more women that I like and more consistently and the casual sex has been with more women that I like as well. July wasn't the great month. But June was really fun. I did **** up a few things. But I like a lot of things that I was doing. I truly have abundance now. I feel like I can get a date anytime I want to without too much effort with a quality woman in the looks and personality department at that.

A big things that's helped me out is my acting class. After displaying some poor behavior the first week of June, my teacher told me that I needed to take a new path. So, I have been and that's involved healing and working on self love.

But, too be honest, I've become tired. I'll explain why.

I have been doing this scene with this girl in my acting class. Before that I've had one convo with her. But, we have these things called "shotouts" and we both have show our admiration for each other that way.

We started working with each other and the first week was all cool. She kinda got lovey dubby on me in front of the class during the shoutouts and I did as well.

Anyway, the next week rolls around and our teacher has us doing this thing in the middle of the scene to create more intimacy. She ended up talking about her existential loneliness which got me to cry and her to cry. We took it to the scene of course, but that was very real.

In the end though, all I got from her was a diss (she told the teacher how she did a short film and the actor that she was working with didn't know his lines, but it worked perfectly for the character and was a gift. The teacher did answer back that while that is a gift, she could do that for others), and she just tapped me on my knee.

I basically just started spiraling into depression after that. It triggered these childhood wounds of not being good enough, feeling rejected, feeling inadequate and other horrible feelings like that.

All this chick really is, is just a mirror of two things. My mother, and for the women in my life. I've noticed a pattern that has basically just worn my down. I get can one night stands and dates pretty easy at this point because women are just excited to see men. Like my teacher says "I'm a badass without really trying". I don't have to do much to get casual sex and women.

But, after only a few times, the women just seem to get over me. Maybe they believe in me more than I believe in myself/love me more than I love myself? Maybe it's my Oedipus complex self sabotaging?

Either way, she reflected that too me and she, like all the women in my life, did not show up the next week. And the sad thing is that I knew that this was going to happen.

In life, we can only take so much disappointment and betrayal before it overwhelms us. I've dated a good amount of women the last few months and none of them went no where. I straight up self sabotaged myself on a great relationship (hot ass Asian was LOVES anime, was physical with me right off bat and brought around other girls). And no one seemed to want to see me again.

I have suicidal ideation, but usually it's just unwanted thoughts. But last night, I was actually truly thinking of ending it all. I couldn't take the pain. Some friends of mine talked me off the ledge and I do feel better today. But, **** got rough.

I guess this is a mini rant, but I also feel a little lost and tired. Part of me wants to take a break one again and just focus on my work (which is the only thing that makes me feel good right now). And while that is a good thing and usually gets me more attention from women, it just feels like the same ****.

Like, I'm tired of dating and ****ing, and then getting discarded like I'm not worth a **** and then wanting to take a break. At this point I can meet a woman easily. But, I just want something new.

 

[fastlife]

@TheFixer14 Highly relatatable post. The thing is, you recognize the source for your 'chemistry' with this girl. But you're not taking a healthy perspective to the feelings she triggered in you--I mean, cognitively, you get it but emotionally you still aren't accepting the lessons that girls like that are supposed to teach you.

So you still have childhood wounds. Guess what? We all do. Well, most of us. And I'm not sure they ever fully go away--but you have to realize that having those emotions triggered is a good thing. Take the time to really dive into that hurt; don't try to understand it, just fully embrace it. Think of it like exposing yourself to a little bit of poison to build up your immunity. The reason these wounds persist is because we never really took the time to emotionally process it, since we were kids and our survival & sense of self depended on not recognizing those emotions since doing so would jeopardize our view of our primary caretaker.

I'm going through something similar atm. And it's a little embarrassing after all the success I've had this past year. But let yourself be triggered. Don't judge it, just feel your way through it. Take a break from girls if you want to. But know that we're never going to have a healthy relationship with the people we feel that type of chemistry with. Might have mind-blowing sex, but it's rooted from a place of unhealthiness.

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

Why not take a complete break from women in general. You need to strengthen your core self, and women are a complete distraction from that. I hear that even the activity of acting itself can be a dispersion of your sense of self. Start looking for help from grounded and 'spiritual' people... you might find a mentor to help you out. Use less social media, and try to read more...follow your own inclinations. Chin up and chest out. Good luck!

 

[beforeimgone]

@TheFixer14 Highly relatatable post. The thing is, you recognize the source for your 'chemistry' with this girl. But you're not taking a healthy perspective to the feelings she triggered in you--I mean, cognitively, you get it but emotionally you still aren't accepting the lessons that girls like that are supposed to teach you.

So you still have childhood wounds. Guess what? We all do. Well, most of us. And I'm not sure they ever fully go away--but you have to realize that having those emotions triggered is a good thing. Take the time to really dive into that hurt; don't try to understand it, just fully embrace it. Think of it like exposing yourself to a little bit of poison to build up your immunity. The reason these wounds persist is because we never really took the time to emotionally process it, since we were kids and our survival & sense of self depended on not recognizing those emotions since doing so would jeopardize our view of our primary caretaker.

I'm going through something similar atm. And it's a little embarrassing after all the success I've had this past year. But let yourself be triggered. Don't judge it, just feel your way through it. Take a break from girls if you want to. But know that we're never going to have a healthy relationship with the people we feel that type of chemistry with. Might have mind-blowing sex, but it's rooted from a place of unhealthiness.

Your honesty is awesome. I can respect that.

What I gather from your post is that your image is bulletproof but your inner game is weak.

For instance, picture a cake that was taken out 45 mins too early. The outside looks awesome, but the inside is slimy and inedible

 

[fastlife]

Your honesty is awesome. I can respect that.

What I gather from your post is that your image is bulletproof but your inner game is weak.

For instance, picture a cake that was taken out 45 mins too early. The outside looks awesome, but the inside is slimy and inedible

I'd argue that inner game, to a degree, is something that is never fully attainable--as soon as you think you 'have everything figured out,' you've already begun to lose an aspect of your strength that it took to achieve your current level of progress. Sure, you can build a life that centers on enough stability & comfort that you don't ever have to confront the weaker aspects of your personality; but those aspects still exist & the only way to grow as a person is to constantly confront those weaknesses.

You can always improve incrementally. No one is 100% happy 100% of the time; no one is 100% confident 100% of the time. BUT you can always work on taking correct action, in spite of your emotions, to get yourself back on track. You can always train yourself mentally & emotionally to reframe situations in such a way that your recovery time gets faster.

Your relationship with yourself always has room for improvement; your experience of yourself always has room for improvement. But I don't think you ever get to label yourself as a finished product. Even when you're crushing it in life you can always meet hotter girls, you can always meet girls you have better chemistry with, you can always make more money, you can always develop mastery over new skill sets. The game goes on with or without your participation.

 

[beforeimgone]

I'd argue that inner game, to a degree, is something that is never fully attainable--as soon as you think you 'have everything figured out,' you've already begun to lose an aspect of your strength that it took to achieve your current level of progress. Sure, you can build a life that centers on enough stability & comfort that you don't ever have to confront the weaker aspects of your personality; but those aspects still exist & the only way to grow as a person is to constantly confront those weaknesses.

You can always improve incrementally. No one is 100% happy 100% of the time; no one is 100% confident 100% of the time. BUT you can always work on taking correct action, in spite of your emotions, to get yourself back on track. You can always train yourself mentally & emotionally to reframe situations in such a way that your recovery time gets faster.

Your relationship with yourself always has room for improvement; your experience of yourself always has room for improvement. But I don't think you ever get to label yourself as a finished product. Even when you're crushing it in life you can always meet hotter girls, you can always meet girls you have better chemistry with, you can always make more money, you can always develop mastery over new skill sets. The game goes on with or without your participation.

True. Improvement never ends that's why your self is always top priority

 

[TheFixer14]

@TheFixer14 Highly relatatable post. The thing is, you recognize the source for your 'chemistry' with this girl. But you're not taking a healthy perspective to the feelings she triggered in you--I mean, cognitively, you get it but emotionally you still aren't accepting the lessons that girls like that are supposed to teach you.

So you still have childhood wounds. Guess what? We all do. Well, most of us. And I'm not sure they ever fully go away--but you have to realize that having those emotions triggered is a good thing. Take the time to really dive into that hurt; don't try to understand it, just fully embrace it. Think of it like exposing yourself to a little bit of poison to build up your immunity. The reason these wounds persist is because we never really took the time to emotionally process it, since we were kids and our survival & sense of self depended on not recognizing those emotions since doing so would jeopardize our view of our primary caretaker.

I'm going through something similar atm. And it's a little embarrassing after all the success I've had this past year. But let yourself be triggered. Don't judge it, just feel your way through it. Take a break from girls if you want to. But know that we're never going to have a healthy relationship with the people we feel that type of chemistry with. Might have mind-blowing sex, but it's rooted from a place of unhealthiness.

Funny thing happened hours after I posted this.

I met with a client who is a spiritual healer. After we got done talking business, I asked her to do some healing on me and told her about the situation. Now, I know not everyone is into spirituality. But it was amazing what happened and how she just knew the deal. I was healed pretty quickly from that.

What I gathered that my lessons from her are #1: Accept my fate. I'm going to attract girls like that and I will be attracted to girls like that. #2: Overflowing emotions. The last week has been very tough emotionally, and honestly I've never really been depressed before. Even with my bipolar mood swing, a depressive mood is a lot different than actual depression. But, I realized that I didn't know what to do because I am usually so goal oriented and don't take my feelings into consideration because how I feel is always a mess. But, I guess it's a good thing as I am an artist so the deeper I can go the better. But, I'm going to have a stronger human experience because of her. #3 She is allowing me to heal. If it wasn't for this I wouldn't have realized that I really could use some more self love.

It's a little embarrassing for me too considering how good things have been the last few months. I guess all we can do is keep trying.

Why not take a complete break from women in general. You need to strengthen your core self, and women are a complete distraction from that. I hear that even the activity of acting itself can be a dispersion of your sense of self. Start looking for help from grounded and 'spiritual' people... you might find a mentor to help you out. Use less social media, and try to read more...follow your own inclinations. Chin up and chest out. Good luck!

I'm pretty much doing that. Though, I am kinda throwing a party with a friend and his date is bringing a friend so that might be out of the window for tonight. Women are for sure distractions to strengthening your core. But, acting has kinda accelerated my growth. Part of it is that I have a teacher who won't accept any poor behavior and limiting beliefs, but is gentle enough to guide you through these harsh emotions. And it's kinda cool how we can just be anyone that we want to be. My acting teacher is actually extremely spiritual and I'm going to go to his place for a spiritual workshop that he's providing.

I guess all I can do is chin up and chest out. No sense in being depressed.

 

[Urbanyst]

OP.. you gotta understand that today's women are TRASH. You hear me?

I'm in the same boat. I'm high VALUE and I get dates and sex easily. Yet, I've never had a relationship with a woman last longer than a year. At some point you have to wonder if WOMEN are the problem. So many great men who worked hard to be the best they can be and still can't find QUALITY women anywhere.

Don't even THINK about suicide over these dumb wh0res. Life has too much to offer and things for men get better with age. Something a lot of us don't understand when we are younger. I dealt with depression when I was a teenager too. For men, life starts around age 30. Just focus on your passions and on MONEY.

You sound like a guy who is attractive and just wants a good LTR. I'm the same. But the market is sh*t. Just awful. Don't blame yourself. You did the self improvement and you did everything right. Look at it this way... you can work hard to become an amazing chef. But if you can't find QUALITY ingredients you will fail at cooking. That's the boat we are in today.

No one should have to be SUPERMAN to get a good woman. Even Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp can't make things work with these wh0res running around today lol.

 

[TheFixer14]

OP.. you gotta understand that today's women are TRASH. You hear me?

I'm in the same boat. I'm high VALUE and I get dates and sex easily. Yet, I've never had a relationship with a woman last longer than a year. At some point you have to wonder if WOMEN are the problem. So many great men who worked hard to be the best they can be and still can't find QUALITY women anywhere.

Don't even THINK about suicide over these dumb wh0res. Life has too much to offer and things for men get better with age. Something a lot of us don't understand when we are younger. I dealt with depression when I was a teenager too. For men, life starts around age 30. Just focus on your passions and on MONEY.

You sound like a guy who is attractive and just wants a good LTR. I'm the same. But the market is sh*t. Just awful. Don't blame yourself. You did the self improvement and you did everything right. Look at it this way... you can work hard to become an amazing chef. But if you can't find QUALITY ingredients you will fail at cooking. That's the boat we are in today.

No one should have to be SUPERMAN to get a good woman. Even Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp can't make things work with these wh0res running around today lol.

Like that Metallica song, sad, but true.

I'm been thinking that I've too hard on myself. I think that's the danger of self improvement sometimes is that you see everything as your fault. But clearly there are things in life that we can't control. And we can't control women being trash. I was reading an article about why you may have been ghosted and one answer actually surprised me even though it's kinda obvious. She is just rude. This is the quote from the article:

“Most people who ghost are most likely either not ready to be a responsible and accountable partner or they have other priorities ― maybe they reconnected with their ex or decided they are going to play the field,” she said. “In any case, those are all reasons to be grateful you didn’t end up together.”

I guess you gotta be somewhere in the middle of those MGTOWs and normal men to function huh? Focus on passion, money, career and yourself. But at the same, keep your heart open. What a balance.

Ya know, it's funny, I keep thinking that each woman might be different. But after being with a bunch in quick succession, I've realized that they are all the same LOL. Like, some may be hotter or smarter than others. But they are all just very selfish.

LOL, after those deal with Pitt and Depp that's proof alone that women are f!cked up. If their wives ditched them is such a harsh manner, no one is safe.

 

[Murk]

I don't understand the part where she tapped your leg after the teacher saying she could do that for others and why it made you feel worthless. I've reread your post and still don't get it.

It's great you managed to bounce back so quickly and I have to reiterate the point that you, we, all have so much to live for so forget that suicide BS.

 

[fastlife]

Funny thing happened hours after I posted this.

I met with a client who is a spiritual healer. After we got done talking business, I asked her to do some healing on me and told her about the situation. Now, I know not everyone is into spirituality. But it was amazing what happened and how she just knew the deal. I was healed pretty quickly from that.

What I gathered that my lessons from her are #1: Accept my fate. I'm going to attract girls like that and I will be attracted to girls like that. #2: Overflowing emotions. The last week has been very tough emotionally, and honestly I've never really been depressed before. Even with my bipolar mood swing, a depressive mood is a lot different than actual depression. But, I realized that I didn't know what to do because I am usually so goal oriented and don't take my feelings into consideration because how I feel is always a mess. But, I guess it's a good thing as I am an artist so the deeper I can go the better. But, I'm going to have a stronger human experience because of her. #3 She is allowing me to heal. If it wasn't for this I wouldn't have realized that I really could use some more self love.

It's a little embarrassing for me too considering how good things have been the last few months. I guess all we can do is keep trying.



I'm pretty much doing that. Though, I am kinda throwing a party with a friend and his date is bringing a friend so that might be out of the window for tonight. Women are for sure distractions to strengthening your core. But, acting has kinda accelerated my growth. Part of it is that I have a teacher who won't accept any poor behavior and limiting beliefs, but is gentle enough to guide you through these harsh emotions. And it's kinda cool how we can just be anyone that we want to be. My acting teacher is actually extremely spiritual and I'm going to go to his place for a spiritual workshop that he's providing.

I guess all I can do is chin up and chest out. No sense in being depressed.

Great stuff. Keep this woman close & see what other mindsets you can learn from her.

As far as being an artist, I can relate--But it's crucial to separate yourself from your artistic expression. You create; you own the emotions that inform & inspire that work; the versatility of your work & your ability to tap into the universal human experience (as opposed to solipsistic masturbatory 'art') is dependent on your ability to control your own emotional state--to fully experience those emotions while paradoxically being able to look at those emotions objectively.

I know the art world is littered with examples of artists who were unable to do so consistently in their personal lives & created some amazing pieces--and these tend to be the artists we most romanticize. But it's no way to live & it limits your shelf life.