A woman to be grateful of.

[ZTIME]

Nice gesture on the vehicle from her, and I'm sure the best intentions are meant with that kind offer.

A couple things I may be concerned with when approaching this situation.

1. When she does aquire her license (which I'm assuming will happen soon) will you then buy your own vehicle?

2. In some cases (not to say it's yours) people have the tendency to use things like this as a control device. i.e. I don't want you to go to this place and you're not using my car to get there. Or If you can't do this for me, you have no vehicle to get to work tomorrow.

Since I have no idea how your relationship works, I can only offer a limited amount of advice.

Please keep in mind that more often then not the dynamics of a relationship changes once two people live together. That's normally when you will see the above mentioned #2 happen.

 

[Serenity]

@Grewd Thank you for helping me understand your perspective. I understand more clearly now, how the words I chose were offensive to you. I am sorry I was not more careful and sensitive in how I expressed my concern. I apologize. I appreciate your feedback and the greater understanding I have gained. I will do better moving forward. Thank you for the clarity.

Apology accepted.

With regards to your point. I remain confident in my evaluations, which are founded on very real and intimate experience with my girlfriend. To be clear I mean intimate in the emotional sense, not the physical sense although that happens very frequently. To be clear, sometimes we talk about things and feelings and sometimes I just fvck her brains out.

Most importantly we don't economically depend on each other. She's not saving me as if I had no other options, I could easily take a loan and quickly pay it off. She's helping me out providing a better alternative, but I'd handle it fine without it.

As said the car is hers, but she will benefit as well. I'll drive her around sometimes, I already did that with my old car anyways. I don't mind as long as I have the time. She's also going to take the license, so she can drive too. But that's probably gonna be a while, might get my own car then might not. We'll assess the need for it when that time comes.

Honestly I don't see the big issue you're making out of it.

 

[Genos]

For the record, reading LiveYourDream's posts, I never once felt or got the impression that they were offensive, contrived, or manipulative. Rather, LYD's posts seemed understanding of the complexity of the issue and were likely intended to discuss things without coming off as abrasive. They could have just as easily said "This could be bad for your relationship" in very blunt terms, but explaining things very clearly is the better option in my opinion.

In the end, I'd say I see some value in LYD's warning, and that it's something worth considering and keeping in mind. But - nothing on this earth is really set it in stone, it could just not come up at all. All we're doing is providing a word of caution Grewd - if you're aware of potential issues that could arise, you'll be better equipped to deal with them (if they do in fact arise) than if you were blindsided by them.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

Wait, what you are letting her move in rent free? Really no one else caught this? That's a high pedastal man. Is this why she wants to buy you a car?

Me personally I would man up & buy my own car, what I would want to drive.

LYD's post is chalk full of wisdom, it wasn't targeted at you at all. What he wrote was absolutely gold as far as how relationship dynamics evolve over time with said given circumstances. He is by no means a psychic, but that would be pretty damn kool if he was.

 

[ZTIME]

@Grewd Thank you for helping me understand your perspective. I understand more clearly now, how the words I chose were offensive to you. I am sorry I was not more careful and sensitive in how I expressed my concern. I apologize. I appreciate your feedback and the greater understanding I have gained. I will do better moving forward. Thank you for the clarity.

This is a forum of posts and threads where people ask for opinions or advice from other posters. It was asked for and you replied.

I find that most of your advice (although a lot of typing) is insightful.

Please don't apologize for excersing your right to an opinion. It seems to lessen the validity of the post, of which you offered valid insight.

That's all.

 

[guru1000]

It is my intent to become more concise.

 

[ZTIME]

@ZTIME I appreciate your sharing.

My post to @Grewd came from a deep genuine concern, for him and his girlfriend and the success of their relationship. It was not some flippant post. I weighed whether or not to share my view, as I suspected it would disturb him, and his plans, or perhaps invoke doubt in what he had already done. I did not take that lightly. To me, the concern I eventually shared was worthy of any temporary discomfort or the inconvenience of changing his plans.

So, I shared it. I didn't do it for me. I did it for him. I did it for both of them. I felt it was important enough, in my view, that I was willing to upset him and his plans. I weighed that heavily. Once I started writing, I just wrote. I did not really consider how I conveyed the message, as much as I wanted to be sure to convey it clearly. That doesn't make much sense, I know.

I think I conveyed it clearly. In the process, I was insensitive in ways I did not perceive at the time. I see that now. I apologized for the insensitivity in how I presented the message and that my projections were offensive to Grewd. I honor that. I did not, and do not apologize for the greater message or to minimize it in any way.

Why did I care so much that Grewd was offended by my post? I want the best for Grewd. I still believe in the value of the message that motivated the post, and it's ability to significantly assist him and his GF for the better. My caring did not end with his initial upset. My caring sought to find resolution. From that place of resolution, I knew I had shared my heart clearly. That's what matter's to me.

I am not attached to Grewd's final choice. Whether or not he reconsiders at this point, that's for him to decide. I simply wanted to share my perspective clearly, for his consideration. I have done that now.

Yes....lots and lots...and lots...of typing in my posts. It is my intent to become more concise. This thread sure was not my best example of that. I appreciate your patience, as I work to improve.

Ohh boy, or girl as the case may be. If you truly give advice as you believe... It's ok to leave it at that.

Working to better your posts to suit the tastes of others would truly devalue what it is you have to say. NO??

It's the information or insight that you provide here that adds value, not the reaction. Do you see this differently?

If it's your TRUE goal to add a helping hand, don't try to put a glove on it for valued comfort to those about to fall off a cliff.

Keep posting kid!

 

[wifehunter]

Count your blessings!!! Does she have a cute sister?!?! LOL!!!

 

[Fireballs]

LiveYourDreams post was spot on.

The bottom line is - No matter how much she loves you, hypergamy is always in play.

 

[Serenity]

@hockeyfreak79 Yes I am letting her move in rent free. I told her she could rather put the rent money in her savings account, which we'll use to buy a house later. We're equal, her pedestal isn't higher than mine.

@LiveYourDream Even if this has a remote chance of becoming a mess I'm still gonna do it. I trust my girlfriend that it won't become an issue, I sure won't make trouble out of this. If I took your advice seriously I might have made a mess of this.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

So I have a question for you Grewd:

Why can't you have your girlfriend loan you the money and you just pay her back the 12k? That way there isn't any interest or anything like that so you don't pay more than you borrow (or if she does charge you interest, you know what kind of chick she is and will see through her facade, if there is one). Plus, the car will then be written in your name rather than hers, so in case something goes sour, you keep the car and get to move on. No paperwork involved in a breakup either and if she gives you the money and things go bad before you can finish paying her back, you won't need to pay her the rest if you don't want to because there wasn't (shouldn't) be any kind of legal documents over her lending you money. You could still pay her back if you wanted to I guess, but there won't be any real repercussions if you don't. If she says no, then you know that something is up. It's a win-win situation no matter how this plays out because then you can see her for who she truly is much more clearly.

 

[ZTIME]

I went back and read the original OP's post. No question indicated.

Perhaps he was seeking social validation of his story online.

 

[BeExcellent]

Do be aware that things like this have the potential to change the dynamic. That's all. The awareness itself is useful. Everyone wants to see you in a fulfilling relationship with the woman you love.

My marriage failed due to the things LYD describes, it just took a long time because it is so very insidious and seems so very harmless at first. I was delighted to help my ex, was happy & pleased to be generous but it became very emasculating to him over time. I craved leadership & self sufficiency from him as my respect for him slipped away. Neither of us saw it coming until it was fully manifested.

Funny thing is my Dad pegged it before we married. All he said was "My only concern is you make more than he does...have you considered this?" In light of my ex's business endeavors at that time, and our relationship and my own self reliance I was dismissive of his concern. He never said another word about it. But in the end his question came from a wise place and I didn't have enough wisdom myself at that point in time to understand why or how that could possibly be an issue...but I recognize it fully 20 years later.

That dynamic dissolved with the divorce and the associated animosity went with it too as strange as that may sound. Even now he & I occasionally discuss it with this sense of "Wow, how did we not see that coming?"

So what LYD described absolutely CAN happen to couples, it happened to me...

You have some advantages in my opinion. You have far greater awareness than my ex and I did for one thing, and for another thing I do not get the impression you will ever allow yourself to rely on her fully either. So long as you lead the relationship and maintain your autonomy as a man, whether single, attached, or married, you should be fine, irrespective of any one individual decision along the way.

Glad you have something & someone wonderful! Cheers!

 

[Serenity]

@LiveYourDream I think you're overly pessimistic, I'll get back to you in a year. That should be enough time for any issues with it to surface. If there is any issue we're likely going to just fix it.

@BeExcellent Although I find it stupid that income should matter to whether I'm loved or not, I do make twice as much as her. I personally dislike depending too much on others, but this is NOT depending. I have a choice, I just choose to take her offer. She knows and I know I could get a loan, we know I can support myself and her for that matter.

I already lead the relationship, she doesn't even want to lead. I didn't become more irresponsible after getting a girlfriend, which many guys sadly do. I was fine while single and I'm fine now, I know how to get sh!t done.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

@hockeyfreak79 Yes I am letting her move in rent free. I told her she could rather put the rent money in her savings account, which we'll use to buy a house later. We're equal, her pedestal isn't higher than mine.

@LiveYourDream Even if this has a remote chance of becoming a mess I'm still gonna do it. I trust my girlfriend that it won't become an issue, I sure won't make trouble out of this. If I took your advice seriously I might have made a mess of this.

FACEPALM, are you delusional?!

Quick example just for fun.

Grewd rent = $1,000 (includes utilities etc) oh don't forget $$ for what 80 to 90% of dates too with the grateful princess.

GF rent is $0.00 Yeah, no pedestal here folks!

This is EQUAL in Grewds eyes.

Listen man I wish you nothing but the best of luck. She doesn't have a liscense so doubtful she has a job or maybe she takes a bus/train, idk.
So anyway I would imagine the both of you are really young. It's probably your first time living with a woman so you are overly excited. Do what you gotta do man, good-luck!

 

[Serenity]

FACEPALM, are you delusional?!

Quick example just for fun.

Grewd rent = $1,000 (includes utilities etc) oh don't forget $$ for what 80 to 90% of dates too with the grateful princess.

GF rent is $0.00 Yeah, no pedestal here folks!

This is EQUAL in Grewds eyes.

Listen man I wish you nothing but the best of luck. She doesn't have a liscense so doubtful she has a job or maybe she takes a bus/train, idk.
So anyway I would imagine the both of you are really young. It's probably your first time living with a woman so you are overly excited. Do what you gotta do man, good-luck!

Yeah I put her up on a pedestal. I pay all our dates. I whine and cry about pathetic things. I don't own sh!t, I don't make sh!t, I have no friends and I'm a sad sorry pathetic little loser who view my oneitis woman as a goddess. I wouldn't survive without her, I would die a horrible painful and slow death. So I svck up to her and act like a complete wreck of a man who's heavily deluded by his flimsy emotions.

No, seriously. Fvck that sh!t, I'm not fvcking deluded. It's just you who doesn't understand the entire context, which would be a little too complex to tell in a forum post.

Oh, btw she works. Your assumptions are way off, are you delusional?