Advice needed ...

[Aesthetix29]

Hey brahs,

This is a little off topic but any advice would be apprechiated.

I'm 31 and have never really met my biological father ... So it's been just my mum and grand parents throughout my life. But to cut a long story short .. When I was 14/15 my mum found out that my real dads dad (my grandad - that I never met) had died and that the funeral was going to be not far from where I lived, and basically that would be my chance to meet him. So I used this opportunity to meet him ( completely wrong I know but I was 15 and very angry of ferling abandoned ) anyway I turned up asked about for him and found him .. And to be fair this was very brief ( 5 mins ) he basically said to that he would be in touch as the time wasn't right.. Understandable right.

So fast forward another 16 years (now 31) i never heard of him again after that .. I tried to find him through social media etc with no avail. Anyway I was at my mums yesterday and the conversation came on to him for some reason .. And we just had a quick look on Facebook to see if he was there and guess what .. He was, so I've snooped through photos and family members and he has a 28 year old daughter called Rachel (my half sister) now I know he made it pretty clear that he wanted nothing to do with me which I've leant to live with .. But I would like to meet my sister if I could and maybe a few other family members of possible .. If not only to find out where I come from etc. But I also think that his wife and daughter do not know about me in the slightest and that could be one of the reasons he's never been in touch, and I don't want to destroy or cause any problems on there end through me sticking my beak in. This is something that has haunted me since being a nipper - the feeing of being unwanted. What do I do ?

Has anyone had a similar experience and any help and advice would be greatly apprechiated I just don't know what to do .. Also nervous of being completely rejected once again?

I just can't help but think if it does come out and his wife can't handle that he's lied for 31 years if she already asked the question when they met and he said no.

SORRY FOR RAMBLING - HOPE IT MAKES SENSE. Thanks

 

[Billtx49]

If you feel that you really need these questions answered and you feel that you would regret it for the rest of your life if you did not then do it. Nothing worse in life than living with regret about some thing that you did not do, but could have…
That being said, are you sure you can deal with any damage that would occur to others lives as a result of your actions?
Your father made his choices in life, you make yours.

 

[Desdinova]

Your father should be truthful to his family members about your existence. If you make contact and he hasn't told anybody about you, then it's his fault for not letting anybody know.

Do what you feel you need to do, but don't go into it expecting open arms or a welcome party. Remember that if they don't know about you, it may take some time for it to sink in. Also remember that your viewpoint on this whole situation can be influential. Contact them with a positive attitude about the whole thing, and they just might want to get to know you in return.

 

[Aesthetix29]

Wow aesthetix, I never knew.

First and foremost, you are a great poster here, you are wanted here and I am sure many others want you in your life. I very much mean that. I usually stop in threads to pay extra attention to what you say.

Having said that, this is not about him not wanting you, it seems it is about him building and keeping a life, in which your sudden appearance could destroy things. Perhaps his marriage.

I can't possibly understand what you are going through, growing up without a father and possibly without a father figure. However no matter what you do, you cannot turn this man into what you wish he could be.

Nor, can you do anything about your half sister. Now, part of me thinks "fvk your dad, you have every right to know your family members", but you also have to weigh that against the gains and consequences of your actions.

I think what you have to do is ask yourself "what are my true motivations here, and will they be fulfilled by my actions?".

Think long and hard and come back with your thoughts, I (and I am sure others) are very interested in knowing your choice.

Thanks for all your advice ... Believe or not my mum asked me the same thing ... And the thing is this has brought back emotions I buried deep a long time ago .. Mainly because I couldn't find him or he didn't want to be found, but after seeing his social media profile we are very much alike. I do want to make contact some how but don't know how? My mum said his sister knows about me and that's she's nice .. But I can't seem to find her on his friends list so not sure she's still alive ( there in there 50's and 60's ) but I did find a women with the same name on his friends list but with a different surname, but my mum said it doesn't look like her and all there photos are limited because we're not friends .. If I could find her then I would try contact with her and see where I stand? I mean I'm not asking for money or to spend all my time with them just some answers. I think I'm innocent in all this. She also said he saved my life when I was 1 ( choking or something). I'm 31 and an adult, since finding out the otherday I can't get it off my mind and keep snooping through there photos and it doesn't feel right.

Am I being over emotional and over reacting? It's like something off Jeremy Kyle haha! I'm tempted to send who I think is his sister a message and ask if her previous name is the same and take from there but what if I'm wrong? For me it would mean closure and that things could progress or I can shut that chapter.

I'm stuck in limbo and feel guilty for what I'm about to do. But I also feel like I owe to myself to find out. My mum said what have I got to lose? Nothing but rejection hurts. (Sad I know).

I mean he has an only daughter, what if she wars to see me? They live within a 5 mile radius,

The only lead I've got is to try and find his sister as I'm not contacting him or his daughter that's just too weird and a little stalkerish if you ask me.

Would contacting this women I think is his sister be a good move or just creepy?

Thanks for your kind words danger, and you think I'm a valued member of the forum, I'm flattered LOL.

Aesthetix

 

[Billtx49]

Just send his sis a msg saying " I think I may know you, was your maiden name xxx?"
Worth a try and cheaper than a private detective…

 

[Aesthetix29]

Wow thanks LYD, that's put things in perspective.

Aesthetix

 

[Aesthetix29]

Just send his sis a msg saying " I think I may know you, was your maiden name xxx?"
Worth a try and cheaper than a private detective…

I'm willing to try this ... But I'm not sure it's his sister tho .. Should I still do it?

Aesthetix

 

[Aesthetix29]

It's weird as my mum and dad both had the same surname but wasn't married .. Just coincidence ... So if it is her then her maiden name will be the same as my mine .. Big giveaway that.

 

[Aesthetix29]

I appreciate the intent behind this message is likely to be casual and yet make connection. The wording to a woman who does not know you will immediately spark her defenses. She knows she doesn't know you but you are pretending maybe you do, this automatically puts you into creepy category inside her. Her defenses go way up and then you wish her to confirm her maiden name? You are a creepy stranger at this point she has no reason to understand why you are asking about her maiden name. Doing so will make her feel unsafe. Enough about that one.

If you suggest or say you are his long lost son and she approaches her brother with an attitude of WTF or you never told me (no offense intended to you) he may immediately be put on the defensive and deny it, without consideration of the consequences. It would be an immediate reflexive reaction in the moment to save face with her and his relationship with her and the rest of the family if he were to feel her disapproval, judgement, unacceptance, mostly a sense of her feeling betrayed. That wouldn't be about you, it would depend on her approach to him.

I'd be super specific about the wording you use to establish contact. If you reach out to someone other than him first, be super aware that women receive things/languaging differently than men.

Thanks for that I didn't think of it like that. But what I do know I'd that she does no about me as my mother bumped into her a while back at the supermarket and she was asking how I was etc... But I'm not sure this is the right women .. All I've got to go off is that she has the same first name as my real dads sister different surname (could of married) and that she is on my dads and my sisters Facebook friends it's me that's assuming she's his sister ... So difficult. Thanks again I apprechiate your input

 

[Aesthetix29]

Quick update ... We had a DNA test last week .. And results came in this morning and he is my father ... Just waiting to hear off him now ... If he contacts me.

 

[Julian]

You should stalk him and your sister and meet them casually in different places while wearing disguises to fool them! Think about it, you could video all the situations while your at it and then the final reveal where you blow their minds and show them who you are... this is after you pretended to be the gardener, a streetbum,a bush, a mime and any other fked up disguise u can think of.

 

[Aesthetix29]

@Aesthetix29, You just crossed my mind...wondering how it's going with you and your father?

BIG news!! How are you doing with it? Have you two connected since you found out? How is it going? If you don't mind sharing, who requested the test and how was that?

I hope you are hanging in there. There is so much anticipation. Now you know. I imagine it takes a long time to unpack all the thoughts and feelings that lead up to such news and of course all the potentials of what happens next. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with him if you can. It all obviously digs up all kinds of emotions, be sure to take really good care of you along the way.

Hey! Basically I contacted him through Facebook and he replied saying that he wasn't my father and that this was proven in court many years ago via ba look test ... My mum said this never happened .. So I contacted his daughter (my half sister) and she was curious and got him to agree to another ... To which we did and he paid half (£500) total, fast forward a week and it came back positive ... ( oh at the DNA test we was all having a laugh together) anyway he messaged me saying that he was in shock and that he will be going on holiday shortly and once back we can meet up ... Either in his area or mine, to which I agreed .. And left it at that, 3 weeks later still not heard anything but we are still friends on Facebook etc... I think he's trying to get his head around it. Also not heard of his daughter ... But now that it's been proven allnincan do is wait isn't it ?