Why do I have this fear?

[SayWhat]

Hi

I keep having this fear to talk to girls.

Some examples: - I use Tinder just as a confidence booster, I tend to delete my matches quite instantly. Whenever a girl says something first, I delete the match even faster. I fear that if we start talking and she starts to think 'what a boring dude', I'll be devastated for quite a while as it's just another part of evidence that I'm just not social, will never be and as a result will remain alone forever...

- with girls in 'real' life the same, I tend to stick to hey, so that I just can't say anything wrong and she'll think nothing of me. Yes, I'd rather have them think nothing at all, than think I'm boring etc...

Does this stem from low self-esteem? Lack of social skills? ...

 

[Tictac]

Turn your profile OFF until you are ready to try to meet some of these women.

As for your fear, you know it's irrational or you wouldn't have brought it here.

Just women or everyone? When you're 'out & about' can you say things to people?

 

[PeasantPlayer]

Its a fear because you haven't overcome it and you are operating from insecurity/perfectionist attitude. Meaning you want every encounter to be "perfect" "ideal" get out there and get rejected, laughed at, ignored and watch how your confidence changes and you approach more women with ease

 

[Tictac]

Its a fear because you haven't overcome it and you are operating from insecurity/perfectionist attitude. Meaning you want every encounter to be "perfect" "ideal" get out there and get rejected, laughed at, ignored and watch how your confidence changes and you approach more women with ease

"A good plan implemented today is better than a perfect plan implemented tomorrow."
General George S. Patton

 

[Billtx49]

Fear of the future is Never as bad as its imagined to be beforehand.…

 

[CuddleJunkie]

Yesterday a buddy showed me some texts from a girl he was trying to bang, she went on a long explanation about how nice he was and how she has a bf, blah blah. We had a great laugh over it. See the funny side of rejection.

 

[CMNILS87]

Yesterday a buddy showed me some texts from a girl he was trying to bang, she went on a long explanation about how nice he was and how she has a bf, blah blah. We had a great laugh over it. See the funny side of rejection.

That's happened at least half a dozen times in the past few years. My reply is always....

Her: you're such a nice guy, i'm seeing someone else and he wants to try a relationship out. I hope you understand blah blah blah

Me: Gay

 

[SayWhat]

Just women or everyone? When you're 'out & about' can you say things to people?

With guys also although less. I can't keep a conversation unless the other person is a talkative type. I hate to be 'alone' with someone else, but don't mind if there is a third person.

 

[RangerMIke]

The problem is your ego. You have to kill that part of you that get validation from others. When you get to a place where you don't care what others think of you... you will look back on this time and laugh at yourself.

 

[SayWhat]

The problem is your ego. You have to kill that part of you that get validation from others. When you get to a place where you don't care what others think of you... you will look back on this time and laugh at yourself.

And how do I do this?

 

[RangerMIke]

And how do I do this?

Meditation and yoga.

This will take awhile, but start by just trying to sit still 20 minutes and try not to think about anything. But pay attention to every time your mind interrupts the process and what you think about. Think about a ant... an insect that just exists... it doesn't think it just reacts to stimulus. Try to be like that ant, and while you are practicing yoga, don't think about anything except doing whatever poses you are directed to do.

Learn to be in the present. There is no past, no future, just NOW. Learn not to have any preconceived notions about anything. If you get a preconception, then consider these irrelevant. Accept that true wisdom is knowing that you don't have the answers. Accept that there is nothing wrong with not knowing something, that it's really not that important to learn some things.. Be yourself, place yourself in context with what is happening around you, and your ego will just drift away.

 

[Floydispink01]

Start by showing interest in people that you encounter each day. Shop clerks, street vendors etc. Rather than just saying hello or thanks. Be more specific. 'hey, how's your day?'

Then you can become more observant with passer by's in the street. Eg. 'Hey, cool hat. Can I ask where u got it from?'

Also ask for directions even if you know where it is.

The key is to get out of your head. Start from there.

 

[salinechow]

Im almost shocked at just how good this advice is in this thread. You are being nurtured and cared for with these quality words of wisdom. Do not squander it with self doubt.

Only thing I could add would be, hit the gym, hard. Its a real confidence booster. Not just the muscles or anything like that, but when you work out hard, your body chemicals will end up doing half the work for you towards opening up socially. Youll have more energy , higher T levels, less anxiety over all, a better connection and understanding of you own body in this world space and time. When you feel that kind of connection and control over your body you cant help but "feel" more confidant. Every step you take feel like a deliberate march toward something successful. Not to mention, in due time, the mirror will start to tell you, "you look great kidd. Go get em. " And, other people will take time to tell you how great you look. It will all help, I promise.

 

[Konada]

While the advice on here is good on telling you to get out of your head etc, it isn't really as simple as being "Just Do It". Obviously you have alot of hangups that are preventing you from taking the first step.

Usually its deeper than low self esteem, rather it signifies a poor relationship with yourself. If you can't even have a relationship with yourself how do you expect to attract others?

I recall you saying that you have a good job, nice body, handsome. Its not wrong to have a partial reason to do it to get women, anyone who is telling you otherwise is just BSing you. A more important question is ask is that whatevrr you have right now is the majority of the reason because of women?

If so, what is the one thing that you really want to do for yourself and yourself only? Forget about women for the time being, focus on treating youself right first.

 

[Floydispink01]

Consider building confidence as building muscle in the gym. It’s always within you – you just need to work on yourself to bring it out. No one will perform a squat or lift for you. You have to do it yourself.

Plus its a constant challenge. You will lose muscle if you stop lifting. Same principle - you will lose confidence if you stop approaching and being social. It will hide away. Fear and doubt will override.

I can't speak for everyone but i know this is how it works for me. I can be fearful of approaching a 6/7 in public even after attracting an 8/9 a few weeks earlier.

 

[CMNILS87]

Hi

I keep having this fear to talk to girls.

Some examples: - I use Tinder just as a confidence booster, I tend to delete my matches quite instantly. Whenever a girl says something first, I delete the match even faster. I fear that if we start talking and she starts to think 'what a boring dude', I'll be devastated for quite a while as it's just another part of evidence that I'm just not social, will never be and as a result will remain alone forever...

- with girls in 'real' life the same, I tend to stick to hey, so that I just can't say anything wrong and she'll think nothing of me. Yes, I'd rather have them think nothing at all, than think I'm boring etc...

Does this stem from low self-esteem? Lack of social skills? ...

I think you need more sarcasm or thinking on the fly bud. I inject sarcasm into everything because I Don't take anything seriously anymore besides work really. Here's a conversation I had with a super hot nurse I work with that's married, but I give the tingles to.

Her: God damnit, I just got another med error. I was outside the time window, now I have to get a green slip and write myself up and blah blah won't be happy.
Me: is the patient ok?
Her: yea
Me: you're more worried about writing up your med error than the patients health? How self centered.....
Her: you're such a ****
Me: hey what's your last name?
Her: Mensan
Me: what else starts with an M?
Her: Menses?....
Me: uhh....no
Me: (long pause). Look right in her eyes and said "med error"
Me: we'll call you "Amy med error" from now on
Her: you're such a **** Chris, STFU

I think you need a better bond with your inner self and to learn how to tease women. Honestly I'm sarcastic 24/7, but I'm a clone of my dad. I think i learned from my dad how to tease because he did and still does tease my mother 24/7. Compliments, dead pan negs, backhanded compliments. All of it and he doesn't even realize that he does it

 

[PeasantPlayer]

Of course its not easy getting out of your own head, but that is the point though? The Process, it won't happen over night hence everyone telling him to get out their and start swinging that bat (not literally)


So yes I do believe just do it works in this situation. I read a recent study about 2 groups of music students who wanted to make music. One group theorized how to make music, the other group just did it, after a few months guess what group learned how to make music better? The group that got on the computer started tinkering with the software/hardware and making music, while the other group was to busy "theorizing"