what's your perspective on this?

[Black Widow Void]

When visiting my brother and sister-in-law, I will occasionally run into her best friend and neighbor. I've known her as an acquaintance for many years (usually bumping into her about twice a year) .
Here's where a pal of mine said I'm being overly-dismissive. Maybe I am or maybe I'm not. I'm open to different perspectives.

Saw her at a party last week. I neglected to get her number, so I sent her a brief e-mail (via facebook) suggesting that she and I meet for a drink . Yes, I know this media is frowned upon, but I didn't get her number. The next day, I noticed that the message was "read" and no reply. Okay, fair enough. She's not interested. Can't win 'em all.

The next day, she sends a brief note that she's open to getting a drink (there's no "princess in another castle" etc.. ) . Instead of sending a bunch of messages back and forth, I ask for her number (to better coordinate a plan). Once again... message "read" but no response provided (my bet is that like the last e-mail, she'll do the "48 hr delay").

Before she responded, I wrote and said that it would be better to call potential plans off. I was direct and to the point ... "when there's a deliberate delay in responding, I can only conclude a lack of interest or an act of being calculative. Neither of which seem to be a good recipe for a pleasant night out, so let's resume just bumping into each other by chance.... no hard feelings"

A pal said that I can be too 'black and white' and not allow enough 'wiggle room' for exceptions. I'm not sure that I agree, but am keeping an open mind. If you have a take on this situation that I haven't considered, feel free to share.
Thanks

 

[Desdinova]

You're putting too much importance on her response and response time. After you throw the ball in a woman's court, forget about it. If she throws the ball back, pursue it. If not, then oh well.

Get yourself some other options going. If you have more than one woman to pursue, you won't have time to worry about when or if you get the ball back.

 

[Black Widow Void]

Desdinova - I agree that being too invested or outcome dependent is never healthy or a good idea.

On the contrary, I wonder if I'm being too dismissive. Although admittedly I have no "plates" (as some call them) a woman still has to compete with my available free time and her current 'behavior' didn't seem worth any further investment. In your opinion, should we allow more wiggle-room?

 

[Yewki]

Before she responded, I wrote and said that it would be better to call potential plans off. I was direct and to the point ... "when there's a deliberate delay in responding, I can only conclude a lack of interest or an act of being calculative. Neither of which seem to be a good recipe for a pleasant night out, so let's resume just bumping into each other by chance.... no hard feelings"

/facepalm

Dude... do I really need to explain?

 

[Reykhel]

/facepalm

Dude... do I really need to explain?

My thoughts exactly.

You actually sent that message........

That message was your thoughts and analysis on the interaction. It was sent in
a very business like manner and I don't think there was any need to send her your analysis....

If I was to take a stab in the dark I would say your response was a pre-emptive strike in response
to potentially being rejected......

 

[BeExcellent]

How can you possibly KNOW there is a DELIBERATE delay in responding!!

You are 52 and you are in Boston. So a reasonable assumption is that she is in her 40's or 50's as well, lives in Boston and that you both have busy lives. If those things are true you have just made yourself appear both needy and demanding/controlling at the same time. Sorry to be so blunt but you have hung yourself here. If I were in her shoes I would find the behavior offensive enough to ignore you for the foreseeable future, regardless how cute, intelligent, successful, confident and etc. you may be.

Pardon the candor, but you blew it here entirely.

You cannot make the assumption that her life will come to a screeching halt because (*gasp!!*) you have contacted her! You were doing fine until your last message, to which I would not expect a response.

I'm in your age range, successful and socially sought after. The whole process takes more time to develop in our age range than it does for people who are younger and less established in their respective lives. People our age typically have lots going on between career, aging parents, family matters, children, business, etc.

I've had a few interactions like that (where the guy communicates something this boorish)- and without exception - NEXT! You never even had a date for heaven's sake! You don't know if she's in a business meeting, trying to make a deadline, in between patients, etc., etc., or what she's doing.

This is coming from a woman who deeply appreciates a leader; a man's man, and the things that SS inspires men to be; from a woman who loves the masculine to lead her feminine if you will. But you must know that if you like her, so too does someone else. You just ski-jumped off her list.

So learn from this one and move on. IF by some chance you do run into her again and you still like her, apologize sincerely and ask her to be gracious about the faux pas. IF you do AND she accepts that, then you may get another shot. But you must apologize. That does not take away your frame, it simply says you know it was inappropriate; then you can drive on. Say you are super rusty, that your nephew told you this was the way to do things, whatever, but apologize. If she accepts then have patience and move forward from there if you so desire.

Otherwise this cake is baked.

 

[zekko]

On the contrary, I wonder if I'm being too dismissive.

You could be being too dismissive. My attitude is pretty similar to yours, if I perceive a lack of interest, or a lack of enthusiasm, p!ss on her, I'll go find someone else who will invest more. On the other hand, maybe she is genuinely busy. I don't always have time to answer all my messages right away - sometimes I don't even check them. Email I may only check once a day. What does your gut tell you?

 

[yungballa]

You're probably being dismissive, as other poster(s) have said. I can be like that at times, too. If I have other options, (sometimes I might have no other options) and I see that girl's interest in dwindling, or she's showing signs that her interest is lowering, then I'll tend to kick her to the curb (even if its little things... I'll just feel like "i won't even waste my time... she doesn't seem that interested"). But recently I've started to think things out more (not overthink). You've gotta realize: people have their own lives. People have things to do. There are sooo many different factors as to why she acted the way she did.

In your case: there's PLENTY of different factors to be thrown into there as to why she didn't respond fast. I don't think texting is a good way of seeing how interested a girl is, but that's just me. In this situation, I don't think you should stop messing with her just because of her response time...

 

[Black Widow Void]

So cool to log back in and read these responses. Some productive food for thought within and man, that's always good!

Reykhel - I had to laugh at/with myself on that one. Yep, I'm very "matter of fact" (business like) with my communication and the girls can't get enough of that (yes, it's a joke). We all have our shortcomings and this one, I unfortunately own. "If I was to take a stab in the dark I would say your response was a pre-emptive strike in response to potentially being rejected." My bud said the same thing, but his luck with women is so minimal that I kind of blew that off, but who knows. Now that I'm hearing it twice, I might very well be doing this on some subconscious level.

zekko - Nice to read that someone can identify. 20 years ago, the blind optimist in me would have had the "ya never know" attitude and went through with it. Experience has taught me that a positive outcome would be the exception and not the rule.

BeExcellent - Thank you for taking the time to respond.

yungballa - I could stand to be less ridged and & white and your comments provided a good reminder. I appreciate that.

--- by the way, she wrote back. And things look good (meaning that she actually expressed some accountability - which I find typically rare with women) Thanks to you guy's. I learned a little about myself with this posting ... and I appreciate that.

 

[Colossus]

Never explain yourself to a woman you are interested in. They don't deserve it, they wont do it for you, and it's a waste of your time.

 

[Yewki]

Never explain yourself to a woman you are interested in. They don't deserve it, they wont do it for you, and it's a waste of your time.

And in the case of the OP, makes you look really... really... bad

 

[sodbuster]

I would have thought it, not bothered to say it. It may have worked out for you this time, but overall, I would just put them on ignore and find another woman. I just don't bother to explain it to them. My son once broke up with a girl. I told him he should have fired a warning shot. He said "she should know better". I guess the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

 

[Tictac]

Before she responded, I wrote and said that it would be better to call potential plans off. I was direct and to the point ... "when there's a deliberate delay in responding, I can only conclude a lack of interest or an act of being calculative. Neither of which seem to be a good recipe for a pleasant night out, so let's resume just bumping into each other by chance.... no hard feelings"

If you wanted to sound pretentious and butt-hurt, great response!

 

[Black Widow Void]

Thanks for the feedback --
Seldom with I defend women, as they continually demonstrate a lack of self-accountability. However, as men, we must also possess accountability.

To not call a woman out is a disservice to all your brothers.

Why? Well, it's not that *all* women will change, but some will... and they will learn their lesson and improve. For instance, if a woman is continually late and/or possesses that 'entitlement' attitude, we can blame the woman or peel back the layers to define how she got that way.

Changes are, she became this way because of bunch of passive men accepted her behavior without pause or question ... or men simply dismissed her without explanation; and consequently her behavior continues for the next man.

The behavior of the woman I mentioned ... probably had low-interest or she's accustomed to taking things for granted. If it's the latter, chances are, she has not been 'scolded' for her actions. I took something away for her behavior (and explained) and as a result,and there's a good possibility, she'll be more attentive the next time she's asked out.

If you wanted to sound pretentious and butt-hurt, great response!

Tictac, there seem to be two camps here;
Those that offer and seek constructive advice to evolve
and
those that offer neither, but instead attempt to criticize others in effort inflate their poor self-image.
I hope you get well soon.

 

[Tictac]

Tictac, there seem to be two camps here;
Those that offer and seek constructive advice to evolve
and
those that offer neither, but instead attempt to criticize others in effort inflate their poor self-image.
I hope you get well soon.

Yawn.

There are those here that want to make the same mistakes over and over and wonder why they are alone.

I hope that you recover.

 

[Yewki]

To not call a woman out is a disservice to all your brothers.

How you played the situation was a colossal f*ck up. Reread some of the previous posts in particular the one from @BeExcellent

 

[Black Widow Void]

How you played the situation was a colossal f*ck up. Reread some of the previous posts in particular the one from @BeExcellent

I think it's wise to always offer a benefit of doubt. However when you are endorsing words - projected by an emotionally charged female and your posting was 'validated' by "tictac" ... I can only presume that there are more females on this forum than realized or we are cut from a different cloth.

 

[Tictac]

I think it's wise to always offer a benefit of doubt. However when you are endorsing words - projected by an emotionally charged female and your posting was 'validated' by "tictac" ... I can only presume that there are more females on this forum than realized or we are cut from a different cloth.

Your powers of observation and (heh) analysis speak clearly as to why you have no clue with women.