What's the proper way to enforce boundaries?

[No.Danny]

If you have to set a boundary so your girl won't hang out with other guys.....
That should tell you A LOT about your lady

 

[Dhoulmagus]

I told my gf that I won't tolerate any cheating pretty much. Since me and her both have friends of the opposite sex, I said I really don't care if she texts them. It's going to happen anyway, so I must lay down the law.

 

[TheException]

Encouraging posts from G_Govan, No.Danny, and Soolaimon.

Good to see that intelligence still is "fighting the good fight" on sosuave. Good luck boys. Some members are relentless on this issue. Try not to waste too much breath....they suck you in like a wormhole. But dense individuals DO NOT understand intelligence.

You would be surprised at how many men here believe this is ok. Exception is one of the staunchest anti-boundary members who exist here, and his girls has all sorts of male friends, one of which she gets together and "studies" with.

Not surprisingly, Exception has a serious issue getting sex from said gf now. Check out his latest post on the subject.

I've said this many times but you lie again in the forum cause that's all you can do.

Spin Doctor Danger. Loves to fabricate things in order to make him appear strong. Has the DNC called yet?

 

[zekko]

Zekko, have you ever needed a woman you were exclusive with to tell you that you shouldn't date other women?

Well, you have to remember that I am a man of exceptional character...

Actually, when my ex-wife brought up becoming exclusive with me, she raised the subject of opposite sex friends. Her former boyfriend had cheated on her with such a "friend". We agreed that going out one on one with opposite sex friends could cause trouble in a relationship.

See Govan, we have been saying "dating", but what we are really talking about are women who want to keep their orbiters around or spend time with their "male friends". Danger and I, we just tend to call this "dating", because essentially that's what it is. Regardless, many, many women and many, many men have no problem with their spouse or significant other spending alone time with opposite sex friends, although I won't tolerate it. That's what we're talking about here.

All she has to do is say "He's just a friend" and everybody is supposed to just fold at that point and approve of it, or else they risk looking "jealous", "controlling", and "insecure". According to feminists and the males who work in their stead, anyway.

 

[G_Govan]

You need to actually date enough women that take you seriously for LTR material before you come in here so shocked that so many women do this. Almost all hot women pull this shyte.

No where in my post did I say or even imply that I was shocked women do this. I'm more shocked by good behavior than anything else.

 

[G_Govan]

Danger and Zekko, under what circumstances have you become exclusive? Were you asked or did you do the asking, as that would definitely make a difference.

My answer to women who keep orbiters that they actually go out with, is to spin plates. Meaning the relationship has been downgraded. If confronted I play the same game, "they're just friends." If that doesn't curb her behavior then it is what it is.

It doesn't usually play out this way for me because I believe I'm fairly good at judging which women pull this kind of thing and I've become very resistant to serious relationships because I still have that luxury. I've been dumped because I refuse to compromise on various things but it takes a lot of will power to do this knowing you'll hit a dry spell. This mental toughness didn't happen over night.

 

[G_Govan]

Ok because you truly seemed surprised that we could believe that a woman could do what you laid out in your post, i.e. have a double standard for their own behavior, when it is practically universal.

Women gauge your reaction to their jealousy games. They expect you to have a problem with it and you verbalizing it overtly is what they consider par for the course. It's a reinforcement of their frame/upper hand. "Aww look at him, so jealous of my male friends, he's just insecure."

I'm not saying you roll over and do nothing, but you don't address it in the obvious way she anticipates. You agree and amplify. She either gets the point or you move on and/or revert to spinning her as a plate if she sticks around.

I know plenty of women who do this and they typically fall into 2 categories. AW/carousel rider or a woman who has lower interest in you than you have in her.

 

[usernamedox11]

This is what I believe. Find a b**** that listens. If she doesn't, f*** her.

 

[Technics]

Ok just say you didn't know about setting boundaries early in the relationship and she does something that displeases you like goes for coffee/lunch/drinks with a new male co-worker.

How do you handle it?

Do you just simply walk away from the relationship and when she asks you, you tell her that she disrespected the relationship and you can't be with someone who disrespects you?

Or would you go and date other women/hang out with other girls and if she has a problem with it tell her ''I thought you wanted a relationship where we hung out with members of the opposite sex?..I'm totally fine with you hanging out with other men, but you have to know it means that I'm going to be hanging out with other girls.''

Considering you didn't set these boundaries at the start, would you consider taking her back if her reaction was good?

 

[Soolaimon]

Wait, you really are trying to say that telling her to not smoke in the car was NOT a boundary????

Seriously? Holy fvk you are the biggest helmet of anyone I have ever heard of.

Your action was setting your boundary, verbally. Just as defining exclusivity when she requests it is setting a boundary, verbally.

Sounds like you've been wearing the large helmet for your whole life with your idiocy in your black and white world of thinking.

Defining exclusivity is not the same as a girl smoking.

Smoking a cigarette is not the same as exclusivity.

If you think that's the same thing you need to get your head examined.

I didn't set a boundary verbally idiot. I took the cigarette out of her mouth and threw it out the window. I used action. You would sit there "defining your terms to her" like a beta.

Who cares what "she requests". When I don't want to be exclusive I don't start defining terms on her request.

Women are scarce for you. So you automatically start defining "your terms" as soon as she requests it cause that's all you got. That's your beta scarcity mind set you have.

When you have options you don't need to commit to women you don't feel is good LTR material.

When I know a woman is not good LTR material I don't start "defining terms at her request" .

Only betas with no options do that cause the relationship means more to you than it does to her.

If you had any value she should be afraid of you with other women. Not you being terrified of her with other men.

You are an insecure low value man terrified of her cheating on you. That's why you try to control her with your verbal boundaries.

You are just too chicken$hit to do such a thing, just like your celibate friend Exception who's girl is denying him sex while she hangs out with her male friends.

So, you set boundaries, we have established that. You are just too terrified to set one about her hanging out with other men.

More black and white thinking. Who cares what's going on in his relationship.

Same old useless black and white $hit you rambled on about in over 7 threads now.

Don't you have anything else to say besides this?

You were terrified of your woman hanging other men. And you still are. That's why you needed a verbal boundary of assurance to calm your fears.

You are too chicken $hit to put a ring on her finger and marry her cause deep down you know there is an expiry date on this thing.

Setting a verbal boundary doesn't mean anything. You are just taking her at her word that she will follow through on your verbal wishes. She can break your verbal boundary anytime she wants. That's how delusional you are.

It's just her verbal words you are hearing. Not her actions on what she is doing.

My woman removed men from her life on her own. Her actions showed me what she wanted on her own. I didn't need to tell her to remove men like you had to with yours. That pisses you off.

Women are scarce for you. You accept her request of exclusivity defining terms cause you are scared of being cheated on.

You are terrified of losing your one and only to a better man. You made this woman your whole world trying to control her behavior afraid to lose her.

You need this relationship more than she does when you are defining terms.

 

[Soolaimon]

Ok just say you didn't know about setting boundaries early in the relationship and she does something that displeases you like goes for coffee/lunch/drinks with a new male co-worker.

How do you handle it?

Do you just simply walk away from the relationship and when she asks you, you tell her that she disrespected the relationship and you can't be with someone who disrespects you?

Or would you go and date other women/hang out with other girls and if she has a problem with it tell her ''I thought you wanted a relationship where we hung out with members of the opposite sex?..I'm totally fine with you hanging out with other men, but you have to know it means that I'm going to be hanging out with other girls.''

Considering you didn't set these boundaries at the start, would you consider taking her back if her reaction was good?

Do you actually think setting a "verbal boundary" before the relationship would prevent her from hanging out with that co worker when she really wanted to?

That's how delusional these guys are.

Setting a "verbal boundary" is useless when she has the free will to act on her emotions of wanting to see another man.

These boundary guys are too scared to enforce their own boundaries.

They don't dump her cause they are still scared to. They argue with her for breaking the boundary giving her ultimatums. What's the point of a boundary when they won't enforce it?

Women will hang out with other men when her IL is low/lowering.

Start hanging out with other girls and don't take her seriously. Dump her.

Women should already know what an exclusive relationship means.

If she did it before with no problem she will do it again.

When you have options you don't need to take women back.

The boundary guys have no other options. They try to control the only option they have out of fear of losing her to someone else. The relationship means more to them than it does to her. That's why they are betas and the woman loses respect for them.

Telling her you don't want her hanging out with other men before the relationship and after she already did won't do anything when she really wants to. It's a waste of time. Don't be delusional.

Start using more action and less words.

Spin Doctor Danger. Loves to fabricate things in order to make him appear strong. Has the DNC called yet?

Danger is a habitual liar, projector, contradictor.

He says something in lies. Then you quote his lies and he claims he never said it when it's right there for all to see. Then he projects back on to you.

Many people saw him embarrass himself on the boundary debate with his lies and contradictions.

That's why people don't take his posts seriously anymore.

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

Women gauge your reaction to their jealousy games. They expect you to have a problem with it and you verbalizing it overtly is what they consider par for the course. It's a reinforcement of their frame/upper hand. "Aww look at him, so jealous of my male friends, he's just insecure."

I'm not saying you roll over and do nothing, but you don't address it in the obvious way she anticipates. You agree and amplify. She either gets the point or you move on and/or revert to spinning her as a plate if she sticks around.

I know plenty of women who do this and they typically fall into 2 categories. AW/carousel rider or a woman who has lower interest in you than you have in her.

Great post. And what I bolded^ is EXACTLY why you DO NOT overtly set a boundary. They WANT you to. They would love nothing more than for you to come up and tell them not to see other men. When you do this, they know they have you in the palm of their hand. They OWN your ass. "no they don't! those are my 'rules', and blah blah blah". Yes, those are your "rules", but once you have to state them, then it's too late.

In order for you to allow her into your "kingdom" of exclusivity, she needs to prove herself to you. If she doesn't know that she shouldn't go running around town with different dudes that she's dating (romantically), then why in the fvck would you even mention exclusivity to her in the first place? If she still WANTS to hang around with other dudes(romantically) then why would you ever bring up exclusivity? Are you trying to tame her? Are you trying to change her?

If she's going to be your woman, then she needs to prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that she's not going to stray, she's not going to look at other options the moment you two hit a bump in the relationship road. And having to define what exclusivity means would only be needed for someone who is a clueless sociopatic BPD dullard, or a c0ck carousel riding wh0re, both of which, you would not want to be exclusive with in the first place. So, in that sense, if you have to define exclusivity, it would be a major red flag, and should tell you right then and there that you should not go exclusive with this woman. Further more, if you do define exclusivity to a woman, and she does follow by your rules in order to get into an exclusive relationship with you......then how long is she going to follow those rules? If they are "rules" that are changing her natural behavior, then how long will those rules keep her in line? How long will she follow those rules if she didn't want to in the first place?

Don't tell her what she needs to in order to pull off a fake persona for three months so she can pretend to be the perfect girlfriend. Instead, let her PROVE herself to you on her own. This way you will find out who she really is. What does exclusivity, with you, mean to her? <----That is what you should be finding out.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

I have known women with male friends they weren't fvking, and I have known women with male friends they WERE fvking, all while in a relationship.

Point is, when women today are conditioned by betas that they can have male friends, she will not necessarily believe she is endangering the relationship OR she knows it might and it is actually a $hit-test.

Remember, it isn't about stopping her from seeing other men (or negotiating desire) as much as it is defining what an LTR means to both of you and filtering for those who see differently. For some reason the anti-boundary crew seems very hung up on this concept, even to the point where they are ok with their woman going out with other men, and seem to miss the point of declining interest. At it's heart we all know it comes from a mindset of scarcity, otherwise they would dump her the moment she took action to hang out with those other men.

I'm 100% percent on board with the bold. Now, I never had to do this with my ex-wf, she had 2 male friends that I knew of when we met. I met both & there was zero threat what so ever. 1 was her emotional tampon since HS, he would ask for realtionship advice, blah, blah whatever. The other was an old dude & wife they where more or less like 2nd parents.

Over 6.5yrs she never just friended up with some random single dude, they were typically co-workers that were married with kids. Holidays, BBQs whatever.

It wasn't until the last .5 yrs of marriage she did find an "old" HS friend on fakebook. Now he was engaged, but that didn't matter. She had never done this before so I could pretty much see the writting on the wall. The relationship was already dead at that point (7yr inch for me) she was looking to branch & she did.

Fast forward to present day, I dump my ex of a year.(Alpha widow) Not a bad break up she's just not LTR worthy what so ever. She's become my orbiter but has already found a LDR from where she is originally from. She isn't moving for another couple months so she's bored. She joins my friends & I Friday night @ the bar & her new bf is "okay" with us being "friends". Let's just say I made the smartest move ever by ending it with her! The new guy would not approve of her behavior 1 bit. But hey it's not cheating when the guy lives states away.

A beta wouldn't wouldn't know if a red flag hit them in the face. They are too scared to upset their new princess! WOMAN do have free will but they are also SUBMISSIVE by nature. I would have to say this is a good debate, wisdom on both sides. I definitely don't do ultimatums, but it's funny because woman can get away with this. I've lost track how times I've been grilled by broads, do you still talk to any your ex's, are you still friends? Yeah it's a sh*t test, whatever.

Zekko said it best:
A liar is a liar, they have a certain smell to them. Just like sleazy women do.

We don't even know what OP's original issue really was but look were this thread took us.

 

[TheException]

Exception,

Did you or did you not say that you were NOT getting laid whenever you want?

The link and quote are right here.

So who is the spin doctor and the liar?

That would be Exception, the sexless-wonder dating guru.

:yawn:

You had to dig to 2013 to find something to try to spin in your favor.....pathetic. I stand by every word in that thread. Completely different context.

Actually after re-reading it....that's a great thread. Everyone should read it. Thanks for digging that one up.

Who cares what's going on in his relationship.

Danger is a habitual liar, projector, contradictor.

He says something in lies. Then you quote his lies and he claims he never said it when it's right there for all to see. Then he projects back on to you.

Many people saw him embarrass himself on the boundary debate with his lies and contradictions.

That's why people don't take his posts seriously anymore.

I know this. It's quite obvious. He's actually quite boring....

Great post. And what I bolded^ is EXACTLY why you DO NOT overtly set a boundary. They WANT you to. They would love nothing more than for you to come up and tell them not to see other men. When you do this, they know they have you in the palm of their hand. They OWN your ass. "no they don't! those are my 'rules', and blah blah blah". Yes, those are your "rules", but once you have to state them, then it's too late.

In order for you to allow her into your "kingdom" of exclusivity, she needs to prove herself to you. If she doesn't know that she shouldn't go running around town with different dudes that she's dating (romantically), then why in the fvck would you even mention exclusivity to her in the first place? If she still WANTS to hang around with other dudes(romantically) then why would you ever bring up exclusivity? Are you trying to tame her? Are you trying to change her?

If she's going to be your woman, then she needs to prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that she's not going to stray, she's not going to look at other options the moment you two hit a bump in the relationship road. And having to define what exclusivity means would only be needed for someone who is a clueless sociopatic BPD dullard, or a c0ck carousel riding wh0re, both of which, you would not want to be exclusive with in the first place. So, in that sense, if you have to define exclusivity, it would be a major red flag, and should tell you right then and there that you should not go exclusive with this woman. Further more, if you do define exclusivity to a woman, and she does follow by your rules in order to get into an exclusive relationship with you......then how long is she going to follow those rules? If they are "rules" that are changing her natural behavior, then how long will those rules keep her in line? How long will she follow those rules if she didn't want to in the first place?

Don't tell her what she needs to in order to pull off a fake persona for three months so she can pretend to be the perfect girlfriend. Instead, let her PROVE herself to you on her own. This way you will find out who she really is. What does exclusivity, with you, mean to her? <----That is what you should be finding out.

Peaks as usual dead on for this issue. Im too lazy to type out exactly what you did. This topic is mundane to me. The whole mystery of "the verbal boundary" boils down to fear and insecurity.

 

[Heisenberg]

Is this still happening? Over the course of many weeks and many threads?

If you were to poll 1000 men: "what should you do if your girlfriend has lunch with a male co-worker?"... I'm not sure you'd get a consensus.

However, if you were to poll 1000 women: "what should you do if your boyfriend spends hours on an internet message board defending his insecurities and bragging about how he keeps you in check?"... I suspect the consensus would be pretty clear.

 

[Soolaimon]

I know this. It's quite obvious. He's actually quite boring

He is indeed boring repeating the same stuff all the time even when he's proven wrong.

He also insults people then claims he never does.

Delusion right there.

It sure does....this is why you don't set the boundary to keep her from hanging out with them. You define exclusivity so she knows the expectation and can't hide behind the "I didn't know".

Obviously you don't know anything about women if you think they can't hide behind other excuses for hanging out with men that actually turn them on.

They will still find a way. You are delusional.

Defining your exclusivity and expectations won't matter when she decides not to follow it.

All of these boundary guys ended up with women breaking their boundaries cheating on them. What does that tell you? It doesn't work.

The insecure card?!

Just calling it how I and others here see it. You are insecure of other men and your woman. That is obvious for all here to see.

Point is, when women today are conditioned by betas that they can have male friends, she will not necessarily believe she is endangering the relationship OR she knows it might and it is actually a $hit-test.

You are trying to change her behavior from what is normal to her.

She hangs out with other men when she is an exclusive relationship. That's a woman you don't commit to.

You are trying to change her to what you expect of her. When she doesn't care to listen to you she will still hang out with other men anyway.

That's why you betas end up being cheated on trying to control her verbally through a useless boundary. Then you get angry and call me names cause you know I'm right.

Choose better women for your relationships. Your useless verbal boundaries won't be necessary.

WOMAN do have free will but they are also SUBMISSIVE by nature.

Right. So setting your definitions of "exclusive terms" in January won't matter when in August she is digging another dude and has lost it for you.

She will say "sorry" and will move on forgetting about the useless "terms you defined" months prior.

Great post. And what I bolded^ is EXACTLY why you DO NOT overtly set a boundary. They WANT you to. They would love nothing more than for you to come up and tell them not to see other men. When you do this, they know they have you in the palm of their hand. They OWN your ass. "no they don't! those are my 'rules', and blah blah blah". Yes, those are your "rules", but once you have to state them, then it's too late.

"The rules" are done out of insecurity but are projected as being strong men by the boundary crew.

Then they call men shaming names who don't use boundaries trying to project.

They will also claim "straw man" when their absurdities are challenged having nothing to say of substance.

Any man that has to control a woman that much has already lost and she is running the show.

He is being affected by her behavior trying to prevent her from seeing other men.

That is a losing game you will always lose.

In order for you to allow her into your "kingdom" of exclusivity, she needs to prove herself to you. If she doesn't know that she shouldn't go running around town with different dudes that she's dating (romantically), then why in the fvck would you even mention exclusivity to her in the first place? If she still WANTS to hang around with other dudes(romantically) then why would you ever bring up exclusivity? Are you trying to tame her? Are you trying to change her?

Exactly.

Yes they are trying to change her from how she normally behaves.

They want her to "verbally agree" to their terms which doesn't mean she will follow "the terms" when her normal behavior is to hang out with other men.

They have no other options so they try to control the only one they have. That's why they are so eager to define "their terms" to crap women at "her request".

All insecurity in their beta minds. If they had value they could choose better women and wouldn't care knowing that women are easy to replace.

If she's going to be your woman, then she needs to prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that she's not going to stray, she's not going to look at other options the moment you two hit a bump in the relationship road. And having to define what exclusivity means would only be needed for someone who is a clueless sociopatic BPD dullard, or a c0ck carousel riding wh0re, both of which, you would not want to be exclusive with in the first place. So, in that sense, if you have to define exclusivity, it would be a major red flag, and should tell you right then and there that you should not go exclusive with this woman. Further more, if you do define exclusivity to a woman, and she does follow by your rules in order to get into an exclusive relationship with you......then how long is she going to follow those rules? If they are "rules" that are changing her natural behavior, then how long will those rules keep her in line? How long will she follow those rules if she didn't want to in the first place?

Don't tell her what she needs to in order to pull off a fake persona for three months so she can pretend to be the perfect girlfriend. Instead, let her PROVE herself to you on her own. This way you will find out who she really is. What does exclusivity, with you, mean to her? <----That is what you should be finding out.

Excellent analysis.

They are delusional and will repeat the same stuff they argued in over 7 threads. They can't understand common sense. It goes right over their heads.

My woman proved herself to me by removing men from her life. She didn't need them around.

She understands what an exclusive relationship means. She showed me through her actions.

Therefore she proved herself of being worthy and I made the commitment.

I didn't have to sit her down and give a lecture like a father of what a relationship means. I didn't have to prod her to get rid of men she really doesn't want to give up like they have to do with their women.

If a woman isn't making any effort to show you she wants real commitment then you don't commit to her.

Stating useless terms and definitions isn't going to work cause you want the relationship more than she does.

If she wants it she is going to have to earn it with her actions.

The beta boundary guys are forcing her to give up men and wanting her to agree to what they want.

Very insecure behavior and they wonder why they lose control and get cheated on down the road.

 

[zekko]

Danger and Zekko, under what circumstances have you become exclusive? Were you asked or did you do the asking, as that would definitely make a difference.

They pushed for it, that's the woman's job IMO.

My answer to women who keep orbiters that they actually go out with, is to spin plates. Meaning the relationship has been downgraded. If confronted I play the same game, "they're just friends." If that doesn't curb her behavior then it is what it is.

The reason I don't like this is because it's just game playing. I don't care for game playing, I don't have the patience. I prefer to get the expectations out in the open at the beginning, that way there are no misunderstandings.

I've had good fortune in that this hasn't happened to me: But, if she were to go hang out with some co-worker or whatever anyway, then you just dump her. This isn't rocket science. I can't be with a woman who won't live up to her commitments, life is too short.

 

[Rainman4707]

I would like to advise men who haven't been on this site very long that this subject may cause confusion, so be careful before you act. It may cause more damage than good.

Very interesting reading though, so I'm glad it's being discussed

 

[TheException]

Exception I hate to tell you and Solly, but it looks like your advice regarding boundaries results in your women fvking other men, and removing all sex from you.

Meanwhile men like Zekko, Social Leper, Atom Smasher, myself and others have nice stable relationships with a lot of sex (whenever I want in fact).....I just don't see this insecurity you keep raging about.

I rest my case against both of you.

Rest your case?


FINALLY!

It was fun playing the "how many times will Danger try to mention me in his posts this time".

You are trying so hard to prove to people that you are right....

 

[El Payaso]

I'm not talking about boundaries solely in the sense of cheating. I mean in other ambiguous parts of the relationship. If the girl doesn't know what she did wrong, do you call her out on it or just walk out?