Sticky situation - need some advice

[epic_barrels]

Hello guys,

I have been with my girlfriend for about 6 months now..exclusively for about 4. She is totally in love with me and treats me like gold. She would do anythign I wanted and would travel both ends of the world for me. Although this is true, she has done something that I am having a hard time figuring out how to react to and makes me question everything.

Two weeks ago, she told me she had plans this saturday night with a co-worker. Turns out that one of her "male" coworkers had his date backout on tickets to see a play with him and he asked her to go instead as friends, which they are. She accepted. I have met this guy and he seems like a complete beta..but we all know his intentions..

When she told me this, I calmly told her I was not comfortable with the situation and asked her if she would be comfortable if I did that to her..She said no. She then says that she feels bad about backing out. I told her I am not going to tell her what to do but made it clear I wasn't pleased with it.

So she knows how I feel about it. In the last few days, I have gradually withdrawn my attention to her because it seems like she is going to follow through with this "harmless date". I feel she is starting to sense it and has questioned why I haven't called her, what I have been up to..yada yada yada.

In my opinion, going out with another man, regarding of how beta he is, is crossing my boundary. It shocks me that she is doing this because in all honesty, her interest level has been through the roof and I know she is in love with me. Through my 32 years or experience, I have also learned to judge a woman through her actions..and these actions contradict everything she has been doing since I have met her.

Although I feel this may just be one isolated incident, I feel like this is a true test of her loyalty toward me. I really don't think she would mess around with this dude...at the same time, she is going to do this knowing how I feel.

Now, I do love this girl. I know a lot of you are going to say walk away asap..and it is an option I am considering. I know it would devastate her.
My other option is to start slowing "going out with the friends more" and gradually letting her see other women interested in me, which they are.

So I am really waiting to see if she is going to follow through with this tomorrow night as she is sensing my pull away. I can tell she is starting to sweat. I feel like she should cancel with

Help me out guys...Thanks

 

[Tiguere]

if she goes ..break up . plain and simple.
BUT DONT TELL HER THIS.
dont be a pvssy and communicate this to her orally.

SHE SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN THIS .

stay put , limit your contact with her and if she goes through with her plans to go on a date with this guy(it is a date buddy dont kid yourself) simply walk away without any type of accusations/arguments etc.

in the words of the great "KONTROLLER X" let her mind fill in the blanks.

 

[SamoJednom]

There is no reason for you to walk away. Obviously you like the girl. You've made it clear that you do not approve of her action so nothing can be done about that( could of done it differently).

All you can do now is this:

-Withdraw attention from her
-Spend a hell of a lot more time with your friends
-Go out a lot more, make plans without her, possibility is go clubbing/partying with friends on Saturday. Some would say it would be obvious to her now that you are trying to get back at her, but you've already told her "how would she feel if you've done it"....so no reason to hold back.

Least but most important thing, don't let it get you down, concentrate on yourself and have fun with friends!!!!

 

[Die Hard]

All that stuff about making her see that other women are interested etc. only makes sense before she goes out with the dude. But when she eventually does go out with him, it's "NEXT!!"

Be willing to walk away, always... If she goes ahead with this date, the disrespecting of it is intolerable, you cannot accept it. First of all, you'll fail at being a man, it's a matter of principle. Second of all, it will create a precedent for her to do lots of other disrespectful things from now on. So you must walk away if she goes through with this, you better be prepared...

This is what it comes down to, my friend. This is where the boys get seperated from the men.

 

[Alien]

Tiguere, Die Hard

...i agree with you, but i have a question too. Whats the difference if she goes out with that guy or she cancels it? ...i mean her IL. She wants to go on a date with him. (no matter if it is a good test. its low IL, its disrespect) I would think about dumping her even if she doesnt go out with him. What do you say?

 

[Tiguere]

Well if she cancels ...all it means is that she reasoned. Which is good. Yea low interest is what pushed her to accept this date but if she cancels she is worthy of the original poster to tighten up his belt and increase her interest level. If she goes then he simply needs to walk away because it will be a matter of time before she branch swings.

If she cancels then there is a good chance her interest will skyrocket if the OP starts romancing her like when he first did.

 

[Myrrdin]

Interesting you brought this up. An example of what happened to me a few days ago.

A very good friend of mine was back in town. We used to be close and all and she knew I didn't want to get in her pants.

When she came back I asked to grab a few drinks with me and catch up. She told me she couldn't. She now has a LDR with a guy she met 2 months ago. And I asked, "OK, but why?".
She said "Because it would be disrespectful. And I don't want to do that.".
My response: "I totally respect that."

Have not and will not bring it up again. Oh, she's hot. 27 I think, but she's holding there.

So the moment your gf/spouse whatever wants to go out on a 1 on 1 outing with another male, you need to grab your cojones and be ruthless. My ex did the same. In the first 9 months of our relationship she wouldn't even dare to ask me about hanging out with other men. Not once. After she pushed me into destroying the frame and she got the balls, everything went downhill.

 

[Die Hard]

Alien, I wouldn't walk because she was playing with the thought. Just as I wouldn't convict a person for playing with the thought of murder, instead of actually doing it.

I would be on my guard, however. Even if she ultimately decides not to do it, the fact that she makes a big deal out of the situation and shows lots of "resistance" before she gives up, requests that you're on your guard... It might become a power struggle, she might wanna "get even" and start doing lots of other things of which she knows you won't like them. If she starts playing this game, I will be done with her VERY fast. It's my way or the highway and if she's gonna be a b!tch about it because she feels I "forced" her to not go through with the date, I'll 'next' her faster than a rabbit gets fvcked...

Anyway, that's all hypothetical. She might as well get the picture right away and realize that she values you too much to ever consider going out with some guy again. So no, I wouldn't just walk because she played with the thought, I would wait and see how things work out after this "conflict".

 

[cordoncordon]

I'll share a story with you, one that I don't think I ever have on here before. It is exactly like your situation. Back 11 years ago or so, I was seeing this girl for about a year. We were, like you, totally in love (so I thought) and I was in dreamland. This was the girl for me. I could not have been happier or more in love with someone that this girl. Was everything I had ever wanted.

One day she got a new job, as a traveling xray tech. After about a month, one night she was over, I was sitting out watching tv, and her pager went off from work. It was some guy. This is like at 11 at night. I thought thats odd, the only guys that page a girl this late is someone who is after her. So I asked her, and she said it was nothing. Just a coworker. Being so in love, and not wanting to upset anything, I let it go. But in the back of my mind, I had a creeping sensation.

Now, here is where it gets like you. A little while longer, she comes to me and says she is going to a wedding reception, with this guy, as "friends". I, like you, told her this isn't right, how would you like it, why would you risk our relationship like this, blah blah blah. Of course, she still went. As "friends". I was such a nervous wreck while she was out with him, wondering what I should do. Should I break up? Should I let it go? Should I just be FF's with her? But I LOVED THIS GIRL! I even went and parked by her house, hidden, waiting to see when she came home (around 1 AM). She called me as soon as she did and said nothing to worry about, we will talk in the morning. She called, reaffirmed her committment to me, said she loved me, how sorry she was, never do it again, blah blah blah. THen said, and I'll never forget this, "besides, I could never date him because he's moving away in a couple of months, so don't worry". Right then I said, I'm fvcked. This girl would date him if he wasn't moving. She didn't say that, but that is how I took it.

Anyway, I forgave her, we continued dating, and I thought all was ok. How could things not be ok, I LOVED HER! Until the day about 45 days later when I walk out to my truck, and there on my windshield is a letter from her telling me she is leaving me for this guy, they are moving in together, she loves him, etc.

I was crushed. I balled my eyes out. I wasn't right for at least a year. Didn't eat. Didnt sleep. Just blown away. Why? Well, I lost her for one, but two, I let her break up with me, instead of me being the man and breaking up with her the moment she actually followed through on their "date". Or even actually when she brought up the idea. My entire ego and persona of being a man, I let it fly out the window. I was defeated.

If your girl cared about you at all, cared your YOUR RELATIONSHIP,there is NO WAY IN HELL she would go on this 'date' with this guy. Especially after knowing how you feel about it. And don't let this work relationship fool you. People at work see each other everyday. They flirt, maybe have lunches together. And then before you know it, they are fvcking. For a long time I used get slightly paranoid by girls I was dating and their co workers. And I always was, until the day I met my present gf. Because she is the type of women, and a women who values me and our relationship, that would never dream of going out with another guy/co worker while we are together, as friends or not. JUST WOULD NOT HAPPEN.

So for your girl to be doing this now? Don't do what I did bro. Be a man. First strike. Break up with her. Tell her that you would never do that to her, so you want to find someone that would not do that to you, that values your relationship as much as you do. Because I can almost promise you if she goes on this date and you stay with her, not only will it poison it, all trust will be gone, but since she sees him everyday, I would give it a very good shot that sooner, rather than later, you too will be getting one of those "letters on the windshield" that I received.

Be strong my friend.

 

[epic_barrels]

Thanks guys..Some solid advice here. Anyway, she ended up going. Obviously, I know what needs to be done and I am mentally preparing for it.

I am just extremely bummed out about this..dont understand it at all..Just turned 32..Nice bday present...
Gotta pick up the pieces and take care of business. damn this hurts

 

[cordoncordon]

Thanks guys..Some solid advice here. Anyway, she ended up going. Obviously, I know what needs to be done and I am mentally preparing for it.

I am just extremely bummed out about this..dont understand it at all..Just turned 32..Nice bday present...
Gotta pick up the pieces and take care of business. damn this hurts

You really do need to break up with her. Otherwise, everyday she goes to work, you are going to be wondering whats going on. Are they flirting, talking, kissing, fvcking. That is no way to be in a relationship. She broke the trust barrier with what she did, now you need to break the bond you two have. Trust me when I say this, no matter what you want to believe, this girl does not value you or your relationship.

Keep us posted.

 

[Die Hard]

I'm feelin ya, man, I really do. But there's nothing else to do now than go through the hurt...it will pass and you will come out of it stronger.

But please, man...don't allow the hurt to prevent you from doing the right thing. Nor allow it to persuade you into not sticking with the decision. She'll try you out in the coming days/weeks/months, she'll try to get you back, "I love you so much, please take me back! Remember this and that, when you and me were doing this and that? That was so special, what we had was so special, please don't throw that away! Blah, blah." There's a good chance every fiber in your body will want to give in when she tries to pull you back... DON'T.

Come here and talk to us if it becomes hard to stick with your decision. Your emotions will blur your judgement, we'll set things straight when that happens.

 

[synergy1]

She said no. She then says that she feels bad about backing out.

This caught my eye. She should be feeling worse that she is disrespecting you than she should about backing out from plans with one of her friends. This really, really rubs me wrong. If the shoe was on the other foot, should would demand in the most austere way possible that you should cancel. Fact is she is putting his/her own agenda before yours, and seems unwilling to compromise.

CC, interesting story. Glad to see your lessons hopefully get passed on and save someone else the same pain.

I am just extremely bummed out about this..dont understand it at all..Just turned 32..Nice bday present...
Gotta pick up the pieces and take care of business. damn this hurts

Can't imagine bro. unfortunately the actions speak for themselves. Take solace in knowing that this could have happened much later with considerably higher stakes. At least you are in a situation to move on relatively amicably ( relatively being the operative word here).

 

[SamoJednom]

Thanks guys..Some solid advice here. Anyway, she ended up going. Obviously, I know what needs to be done and I am mentally preparing for it.

I am just extremely bummed out about this..dont understand it at all..Just turned 32..Nice bday present...
Gotta pick up the pieces and take care of business. damn this hurts

Happy late bday,

My trolling aside and all like before. I'll be honest.

FFS don't be bummed out. She made her choice and that sent you a very clear message. That message like somebody pointed here is that she is losing interest in you and is interested in the other guy from work. No matter what she says, she PUT the other guy ahead of you, she PUT his feelings ahead of yours. She walked over you and disrespected you like you were some sort of a chump. Don't matter what she does from here on or in the future, she made it clear that the guy from work is more IMPORTANT than you are, even though you are in a relationship with her. Now here is what you do:

Man the fvck up and dump her ass to the curve, she made her CHECK now you make the Check Mate like you are supposed to, be a fvckin Man about it.

You should not be BUMMED OUT, you should be greatful she did it sooner so you don't commit any more emotionally. You stated yourself, you are a catch, have women interested in you. You should know what to do. If you don't. Then spend your time with friends, have fun, forget the girl and start getting those girls that are interested in you.

 

[epic_barrels]

so i just sat her down and ended it. it was terrible. she was begging me saying it was a stupid mistake blah blah blah..
i feel like complete crap right now.
of course, im doubting myself and thinking i might have thrown away a great girl who just made one stupid mistake.

but whats done is done..now the pain begins

 

[Tiguere]

i admire you. i wished i had the guts to step up when i had my chance. instead i did the opposite of you and little by little she took my self respect and dignity and dumped me by phone when i had nothing left.

 

[Noodles]

You really do need to break up with her.

This is all you need to do. Anything else and you'll regret it.

You'll regret breaking up with her...but you'll get over it.
It'll destroy you when you realise everything you think you had was a joke. And you will.
Right now you're gambling it'll be fine. In which case break up with her anyway. She'll be back if it's real and she'll understand your point of view.

Answer me this...if it was the other way round...would you do it? If not then why are you even asking?

EDIT: Didn't read you'd done it. And indeed that she went. You made the right decision.

 

[Atom Smasher]

so i just sat her down and ended it. it was terrible. she was begging me saying it was a stupid mistake blah blah blah..
i feel like complete crap right now.
of course, im doubting myself and thinking i might have thrown away a great girl who just made one stupid mistake.

but whats done is done..now the pain begins

You did the right thing, Bro.

I would strongly advise going NC (no contact) with her for some time. She's probably going to beg you and blow up your phone. She would have to jump through an awfully huge amount of hoops for me to ever take back a woman who did what she did. She directly defied you, and she needs to suffer deeply for it in order for her to realize the concept of accountability.

The bottom line is, she went on a DATE while supposedly exclusive with you. Absolutely disrespectful and defiant. A woman who goes out on dates when involved with a man is not relationship material.

 

[Die Hard]

No need to feel pain, really...

Here's what often happens when we enter a relationship:

You WANT your girl to be soft and sweet, innocent and fragile, a soothing angel who will carress you with her warmth and sweetness, who will only love you and no one else. Or add whatever you like to that list, whatever applies to you... And that's what you project onto her, you want her to be this and so you convince yourself that she is this. You focuss on each and every behavior of her that confirms that she is this, not on anything that confirms the opposite, coz it would burst your bubble.

Now reality is catching up with you after all and bursting your bubble after all. She never was what you thought she was...you have not lost what you think you've lost. She did not just make one stupid mistake, she made a very, very, very conscious decision. She knew very well how she would feel if sides were reversed and you'd go out with someone else, she knew very well how you felt about it. Do not kid yourself and try to make excuses for her, do not close your eyes for the fact that she, in all awareness, chose to do something that hurt you. She is a b!tch for going ahead with it and she is not worthy of your love. You wished she was the kind of person who'd not go ahead with it and you believed what you wished. Well, guess again, she was not what you wished or thought she was. She's a CUNT and instead of feeling miserable and thinking about what you've lost (and again: you haven't lost what you think you've lost, anyway. Coz your perception of her is biased by what you wish her to be...) you should allow yourself to feel ANGRY about the sh!t she just pulled off! Who the fvck is she to consciously fvck around with you like this?!?! Don't fall for the sad, innocent play she just put up, begging you and saying it was a stupid mistake blah blah blah. Screw her, she knows very well what she did. For all you know she svcked his cock that night...after he took her anally.

Imagine that last part really happened. How would you feel about that? FIrst reaction would be "No, it can't be...", right? Yeah, it can't be because you do not want it to be... And that's what your whole current situation is about: you thinking you lost a great girl because you want her to be a great girl.

Don't waste your time with feeling hurt. You can only feel hurt when you lose something valuable and this b!tch is not valuable at all.

 

[MurdocNiccals]

Girl goes out with deeply friendzoned male who will NEVER get to **** her
Boyfriend leaves her

Oh dear. Over-reacting much?