So I've been away for a long while and here are my thoughts on this whole DJ thing.

[The Bad Ass Canadian]

Greetings all,

I'm not sure how many old faces who know me are still kicking 'round these parts, but for everyone who may be new to this site, I'm one of the vets who was here from the beginning pretty much. (had a different handle before my current one), and I was a pretty active member up until about 2 years ago.

So I've had a very crazy couple of years, and pretty much had my "dreams" come true as far as what I had been aspiring to be, career-wise. Life has been very good to me and I owe it in some small way to this site, but more-so to my own tenacity and steadfastness. I was willing to jump when the time was right and it paid off quite well.

I glanced around SS for a bit and I see that things haven't changed much. There's a whole mess of folks who are very confused, a few keyboard jockey's claiming to be DJ's, dishing out canned advice and a few guys who seem to genuinely know what they're talking about. Was this way back some 6-7 (8?) years ago and it's still this way today.

I thought some of you might appreciate some words of wisdom from a guy who's on the more mature side of his dating life.

I'll be 30 in less than a month.

Part of this might be out of some freakish midlife crisis type bit, but I'm feelin that it has more to do with my being more open to reflect on my past and focusing on my future. I've been able to gain a huge amount of perspective recently and some parts of my past make me laugh; other parts are downright embarassing and make me curl up and wimper (heh)

For the record, I've been in an LTR with a wonderful girl for the past year and a half. We live together and she is amazing. She's also 7 yrs younger than I am but her level of maturity surpasses mine on most(every) days. (hell I still love goofin' off, drinkin a bit too much sometimes and playing video games with the boys)

Sooooooo, to get to the point, I have some thoughts I want to share with you:

- The only way to find happiness is to find it within yourself. Once you figure out what makes you happy, then and ONLY THEN are you ready to be happy with another person.

- Relationships take alot of work and sometimes don't seem worth it but if the girl is real quality, all the petty B.S. is easily forgiven when she reminds you why you're with her in the first place and you fall for her again, all over again, and again, and again.

- It's easy to get caught up in this whole don juan pick up thing and really, it's all a load of crap. If you're just out looking for notches on your belt, you're in for a very rude awakening. Take the "be a man" mentailty and better yourself. Do it, for yourself. It is very rewarding and if you've fallen by the wayside, for cryin out loud get up and work on yourself. It will pay off big time. (see my first point). However, don't focus on getting laid like it's some sort of spite for not getting any when you were younger.

REMEMBER THIS: You give a part of your soul to every woman you sleep with, regardless how insignificant last night's hookup was.... it can and will come back to haunt you years down the road when you wake to realize you were nothing more than a manipulative ass hole and she probably hates you for it.

- The amount of girls you've been with has no bearing to your level of happiness. I've slept with 52 women to date, and I regret about 45 of them. They mean't nothing to me and now they shared something with me that I really didn't want them to... although at the time it was just another notch on that big manly belt of mine. when it comes to one night stands, in the end, you're empty in more ways then one... you just might not realize it at the time.

- No chick is worth crying over. Tears are just your ego's selfassurance that you really weren't good enough for her. In the end it was the truth, and you should be thankful for the hurt... it WILL make you better in the end, as long as you recognize the faults and fix them.



I guess that's it for now, though I may add to this at somepoint.

cheers to you all and best wishes.

The Bad Ass Canadian

 

[I.A.F.Y.B.]

Good posts. The points you make are correct. But, some of us are too young or blinded to see the light! Hopefully, the younger guys on here and new DJ's understand the points you made.

 

[SrDedosRapidos]

Hey,

New member here. Ive been reading on sosuave for a while and figured i would have some questions at some point so i might as well join!

I cant refute what youre saying, but what about those of us who realize that meaningless sex with beautiful women IS the hollow, momentary self gratification that it is but accept that and do it anyway? I know that what im doing is what it is, and i dont pretend to think that its anything else, and im not saying that you were, but going into 1 night stands and hookups im aware that they are meaningless sex and cant offer me any gratification outside of the physical encounter itself.

Ive had several hookups and enjoyed every one, but didnt expect anything from them outside the hookup. Im probably missing the point entirely, but sometimes id like to think i know what im talking about

i do take the advice to heart, and know that true happiness cant be achieved via these means. Ill let you know when it all comes back to hit me in the balls

 

[The Bad Ass Canadian]

Knowing it's meaningless and shallow isn't the point.

If you're horny, get laid. Just realize that you and her are sharing something that for the moment is intimate and "special". What happens when years down the road you (hopefully) become successful and have all these skeletons in your closet. Even though they aren't in front of you, they're still there lurking.

Facebook and other social networks have propagated this kinda "problem".... especially when one of these "prizes" happens to know 10 of your friends.

I was all for getting laid as much as possible, but it gets to a point somewhere that you sort of lose yourself in it. after almost 2 years with one girl, I'm starting to pull myself out of the dark hole I went into with having slept with so many girls. You really do leave a part of yourself with each and every one of them and after a while you might find yourself spread quite thin and feeling empty.

It's really hard for me to convey this to someone who might only be 20 yrs old. Women are awesome and more is better, right? I'm not so sure, after a certain point it really is.

Getting tons of chicks is great for the confidence boost but soon the scale gets tipped and it becomes your only sense of self... and it's a false state.

 

[ExcelNPrevail]

I somewhat understand what your saying.

Ever since drjekyll posted his farewell, he covered those same points about how having sex for meaningless reasons is a false sense of self.

Thank you for coming back to give us some old timer advice.

I mean that in the most appreciative manner.

 

[SrDedosRapidos]

I can see exactly where youre coming from.

Let me take a moment to further my introduction and attempt to clarify my intentions here;

It may sound Hypocritical, but ive already put myself on a path of personal success. Ive got a career going and i started day trading recently with a degree of success. I want things in life, and NOTHING i can control will ever stand in my way of them, including my desire for women. Ive always been pretty good at rationalizing and not submersing myself in any ONE thing, because there ARE more things to life than the material. Im very into philosophy and like to look at the bigger picture. I cant let myself get so wrapped up in women that i miss out on other things, because i have a long list of things in life; women just happen to be a path ive only ever stood at the beginning of.

As far as sharing something special with someone, yes, i concur to the utmost. Sex is the absolute closest you can possibly get to someone; Its an action that strips not just clothes but all the pretension and falsehoods away from a person and leaves them, quite literally, purely naked to whom theyre sharing themselves with, regardless of the fact that its a hookup or otherwise. Weather or not you believe so, it DOES have some meaning and I dont have sex with ANYONE. Hotness has a lot to do with personality for me (IE - Theres a girl who works at JC Penny that is a bonafide 15/10 but is a COMPLETE moron, and i could never take her seriously enough to sleep with her because of that), but i lack the skills to open with the girls i want to and get to see their personality. Im not sharing myself with anyone i dont want to take a piece of. I tend to "settle" for girls when i wanted more and later regret it. Im absolutely sick of that because there have been hundreds of opportunities for me to be with women i wanted to be with, but never had the balls to approach. Ive always waited around for the wrong ones to fall in my lap.

On that last note, im also not in it for purely sex. This is a great way to annihilate every insecurity ive ever had and This undertaking has the potential to make me stronger mentally. Im the typical AFC who elevates the cute Brunette in Psych to a 12 mile high pedastool, constantly being "looked down on" when the truth is shes human and has the same needs and desires as myself. Im in it to meet that cute brunette and understand her. To find out for myself that reality often hides behind pretty illusions.

Im sure a lot of that only makes sense to me, but hopefully not. Will i feel different when im 30? Who doesnt. Every year i get older, i can hear my mother telling me "youll undertsand when you get older" and this may very well be something i cant fully understand until im much older. So be it. We learn from mistakes, but i would like to think i have a pretty good head on my shoulders and know where im taking myself in life. That being said, im also very open to advice (which is why ime here!), because i KNOW im young and stupid.

 

[Lexington]

I'd have to disagree with this whole "you give a part of your soul" thing. First off, what do you mean by "soul"? Are you speaking of a soul in the religious sense? Or do you simply use it to refer to one's personality; all the traits that taken together make you....you?

If the former, not everyone believes in the concept of a soul as expressed in religious terms. I certainly don't. If it's the latter, how does one "give a part" of you away? It sounds rather metaphysical to me. I suppose you give some of your DNA away.

A big part of it is that we are conditioned by religious beliefs. These religious beliefs have an effect on our psyche even if we are no longer religious. They persist in the deep recesses of our mind. They make sex seem like a fvcking space shuttle launch when all it is is 2 organisms exchanging body fluids.

These beliefs served their purposes in the old days when there was no such thing as birth control, family planning etc; when women were basically property and before the concept of romance. The concept of dating and marrying for love are actually a relatively recent innovation. Before, almost all marriages were summarily arranged. That practice continues in a number of cultures.

But in the 21st century, we don't need to be burdened by them any longer. There's nothing wrong with getting on with a hot piece of ass simply because she is a hot piece of ass. That is, as long as you practice safe sex and both parties are clear as to what's going on.

Obviously it would be unethical to "play" a girl and make her think you love her etc. But if she's aware, and you're aware that you're just satiating your natural desires for sex, there is nothing wrong with it.

We live in a hypocritical society that outwardly condemns sexuality as if it were a bad thing to feel lust. Indeed, in the Bible, lust is considered a sin. Of course, as we all know, pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry and it's not just a few hundred people spending millions of dollars.

The fact is, humans are sexual beings. We enjoy it. Millions of years of evolution have shaped us such that we find sex rewarding. It's a good way to ensure propagation of species. Now, thanks to the wonders of modern technology, all the pleasures of sex can be had without the burdens i.e. children (if we don't want them).

So.....go out there and enjoy it. Obviously no one is advocating making sex the center of one's life. No one is advocating defining oneself by how many people one sleeps with. But if there is a hot blonde that you want to fvck even though she's dumber than a lawnmower, have fun and tap that ass!

 

[Snakk3]

great posts here. it's alway great to see opinions about guys like you, that were here years ago, to see what changed, how you think now, how is your life.

I'd have to disagree with this whole "you give a part of your soul" thing. First off, what do you mean by "soul"? Are you speaking of a soul in the religious sense? Or do you simply use it to refer to one's personality; all the traits that taken together make you....you?

If the former, not everyone believes in the concept of a soul as expressed in religious terms. I certainly don't. If it's the latter, how does one "give a part" of you away? It sounds rather metaphysical to me. I suppose you give some of your DNA away.

in his post, i "understand" by saying soul, that he was not talking in a metaphysical way but in a manner of saying that he doesn't forget about that whole girls and that if you are that guy that just wants to threat them like some sex dolls, maybe some years latter you'll think about it, and probably not feel so good about it as you thought

thats +\- how i see what he wrote... but its hard to explain it well.

 

[The Bad Ass Canadian]

great posts here. it's alway great to see opinions about guys like you, that were here years ago, to see what changed, how you think now, how is your life.



in his post, i "understand" by saying soul, that he was not talking in a metaphysical way but in a manner of saying that he doesn't forget about that whole girls and that if you are that guy that just wants to threat them like some sex dolls, maybe some years latter you'll think about it, and probably not feel so good about it as you thought

thats +\- how i see what he wrote... but its hard to explain it well.

Yes, that's pretty much what I mean't; and on top of that, since those girls have been with you, they will keep a piece of you with them... and years down the road you may come to realize that the dirty slut didn't deserve to enjoy your "company". You can't take that back, even if she was smokin' hot.

It's very hard to relay this sort of stuff to anyone who is younger and in a different "place". Your frame of reference is your reality and anyone else's advice/opinions/tales are nothing but TV infomercials to you.

 

[Lexington]

Yes, that's pretty much what I mean't; and on top of that, since those girls have been with you, they will keep a piece of you with them... and years down the road you may come to realize that the dirty slut didn't deserve to enjoy your "company". You can't take that back, even if she was smokin' hot.

It's very hard to relay this sort of stuff to anyone who is younger and in a different "place". Your frame of reference is your reality and anyone else's advice/opinions/tales are nothing but TV infomercials to you.

With all due respect it is rather prejudicial to simply assume what a person may or not think about others' opinions when you know next to nothing about that person.

There are 16 year olds out there who are more mature than most 40 year olds and there are also 45 year olds who are more immature than the average 13 year old. It is impossible to say where a person is on the maturity spectrum when one knows nothing about him/her. One can't make sweeping generalizations about an entire age group.

I get the gist of what you're saying now. It makes sense. However, I think some would feel perfectly satisfied in engaging in sexual relations with a woman even if they do not particularly like her character. That's even years down the line. But hey, everyone has different values and a different lens through which they view the world. It is perfectly normal for different folks to come to different conclusions.

It's what makes the world go around.

 

[Luminescence]

So you feel guilty for manipulating women for sex, hmm. It makes me wonder how many women feel guilty for all the afc's they have used for ego validation, attention....etc. Do they? Because it doesn't seem like it. Just curious.

 

[alnite]

So you feel guilty for manipulating women for sex, hmm. It makes me wonder how many women feel guilty for all the afc's they have used for ego validation, attention....etc. Do they? Because it doesn't seem like it. Just curious.

They do, they just won't admit it. They'd try to forget it as fast as they could. Being a DJ is not about "they did it, so must I". If you are just plotting revenge for what women did to you in the past, then you won't get very far.

This is a golden advice, but this, like any other advice, should be taken with a grain of salt. Your life is not the same as his life. Your dreams, your ambitions, your women, are different. He's lucky enough to get a woman who can truly love him, but he needed to sleep with 54 women before he could find the woman he wanted. Would he run into her if he stayed AFC all this time? Maybe not. Would he be able to ask her out if he didn't have the confidence? No. You kinda have to run into the ugly ones before you can find the good one.

Reach for your dreams and goals, and don't regret it. After all, it's the overall experience that shape you up.

 

[The Bad Ass Canadian]

Lexington and Luminescence are typical responses to the reasons why I left this place in the first place. Nobody seeing the alternative... just defending yourself, when in actuality my advice may not even apply to you. You do what you do and have fun. Somebody on here may not be looking to just rack up the numbers and screw so many women.. but the status quo of this website would suggest that this is what he needs to do in order to find himself and this is in fact the opposite, after a certain point.

My main point to all of this is that no matter what, this pick up stuff won't make you happy. Period. That's it.

Don't sit there and put words in my mouth about sweeping generalizations.

I'm telling you my side of things and about what I know now that I didn't know 7 years ago when I started to visit this site. And for the record I was never a complete AFC, like i suspect many guys on here . I dated some pretty hot girls well before I got here... just had the displeasure of running into one that wrecked me for a long time and it messed me up enough to find answers, leading me here.

end of discussion.

 

[Luminescence]

I didn't state my agreement with the sosuave status quo ''screw as many women as possible'', and unless I misinterpreted it your post did give me the impression that you felt guilty for some of the women you used for sex? Which brought up the concept of guilt in my mind; I was wondering what women feel guilty about, because you typically don't think of them as ''using men for sex''.

 

[MaxwellSmart]

hello, this is my very first post. I am glad to be here. That was very insightful and full of wisdom. Thanks for sharing!

 

[Bible_Belt]

I agree with most of the OP, although getting too much sex is hardly a problem for the guys on this site.

I don't think sex is that special. I enjoyed every dirty slut I ever had. Some of them may still think I am a manipulative assh0le, but they respect me for it. Dislike is much better than a lack of respect. And thankfully, women actually prefer a guy who has been with a lot of girls. They don't get hung up on all the "specialness" you gave away. They're just grateful you're good in bed, and they respect you for being able to get laid when you want to.

For the guys in a LTR, the real test of their DJ skills is how quickly they will leave their girl and replace her, especially when she begins to treat you poorly. As soon as the guy worries about the girl leaving, then he becomes an AFC, and that is the beginning of the end. Like the OP, I live with a girl who is "special" and all of that. I do love her, and I am great to her. But as soon as we fight, my attitude quickly turns into 'there's the door, b!tch.' I can replace her without shedding a tear...and she knows it. This is how relationships stay together, and how to keep a woman's respect. You can be sappy, emotional, romantic...all of that Hallmark Holiday greeting card stuff...but as soon as she even begins to disrespect you, that cliche'd sosuave advice of 'next!' is the mindset that keeps a LTR together. Women stay with you and treat you well, because they know that you'd leave them if they didn't. When they begin to treat you poorly, what they are doing is checking to see if you have the fortitude to walk away.

 

[SXS]

I completely disagree with the part that sex is "special" and that you should not be with many women. You must live while you can.

Recently, a friend of mine(male) who were about to get married with a very hot women and a wonderfull person, who also happens to be one of my best friends, screwed up his relationship, because he didn't live life. He was completely jealous of the fact that his women was so much more experienced than he was, and this destroyed the relationship.
Now, if only he didn't spent all his life waiting for "the right one", got out there and ****ed a lot of women, he probably would be married today.
She said to me "Yes, I have been with many men, ****ed a lot of men, but it's all in the past now." I think men who did not had their fun in life will often be intimidated by the past adventuries of their women, and it's probably why women feel they have to lie about their own past.

Every men should at least have about 10 women by the time they are 30(unless you marry young or have a too long relationship).

 

[Lexington]

Nobody seeing the alternative... just defending yourself, when in actuality my advice may not even apply to you.

No one is defending anything. I only disagreed with one of the premises you stated in your post, the one about leaving a "piece of your soul" with every woman you sleep with.

You do what you do and have fun. Somebody on here may not be looking to just rack up the numbers and screw so many women..

At no point did I dispute this

My main point to all of this is that no matter what, this pick up stuff won't make you happy. Period. That's it.

I accept this point. That's not what I disputed.

Don't sit there and put words in my mouth about sweeping generalizations.

Here's what you said:
"It's very hard to relay this sort of stuff to anyone who is younger and in a different "place". Your frame of reference is your reality and anyone else's advice/opinions/tales are nothing but TV infomercials to you."

You presented a statement of fact with virtually zero information about who I am. Unless you actually know something about me, this is clearly based on a generalization.....of the sweeping kind no less.

I'm telling you my side of things and about what I know now that I didn't know 7 years ago when I started to visit this site.

Great....that's what this message board is for. However, not everyone is going to agree with everything you have to say.

 

[Unprez]

I completely disagree with the part that sex is "special" and that you should not be with many women. You must live while you can.

Recently, a friend of mine(male) who were about to get married with a very hot women and a wonderfull person, who also happens to be one of my best friends, screwed up his relationship, because he didn't live life. He was completely jealous of the fact that his women was so much more experienced than he was, and this destroyed the relationship.
Now, if only he didn't spent all his life waiting for "the right one", got out there and ****ed a lot of women, he probably would be married today.
She said to me "Yes, I have been with many men, ****ed a lot of men, but it's all in the past now." I think men who did not had their fun in life will often be intimidated by the past adventuries of their women, and it's probably why women feel they have to lie about their own past.

Every men should at least have about 10 women by the time they are 30(unless you marry young or have a too long relationship).

This is a bit off to this topic, but I find this to be an interesting point of topic....myself I haven't been with many girls but i'm worried that I will eventually be with someone who has been with many guys... somethin that almost all hot girls will be guilty of........... it is very logical to realize that it is in the best interst of a woman to settle down her by her late 20s since she will no longer have that many options while guys will have more options at that time so why should guys suffer having used there youth to gain education instead of wastin it on tryin to get *****es?.... i respect that wht is being said is about men living with dignity and i've always tried to live like that but reality is that men who fk around and then get a wifey are more content than those who work hard for a better live down the road but never got with many girls.........i personally feel that I will likely cheat on my wife just to balance things out just out of spite...but who knows maybe i might find an attractive girl who doesn't have a disgusting past.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Speaking of off-topic, yet interesting topic:

attractive girl who doesn't have a disgusting past.


fwiw, a slvtty past does not disgust me at all. I have dated a lot of slvts. My last crazy borderline girl I was with had been with over hundred guys, including orgies and public parking lot sex in front of a cheering crowd. And she is amazing in bed...lots of practice. I only know about her past because I know her so well, most guys have no idea. There are a lot of women out there with a slvtty past. They are just more skilled at sex - that is the only way to look at it.

Also, when you really don't care who she was doing last night, then when you are with her, you won't care who she might run off and do after you break up. Not caring about what she does with her body takes the power away from a woman that she usually has over men. Ironically, it is also the best way to keep her away from other men by keeping her interested in you.

A friend of mine was once getting divorced and worried about his soon-to-be ex wife dating a guy he knows. A coworker of his said to him about it:

man, she is probably with him right now...I bet he has her bent over, banging her hard from behind, pulling her hair, smacking her ass, calling her a ho....and SHE IS FVCKING LOVING IT. How do you feel about that?

My buddy almost hit him; he was red in the face and bursting with rage. Then the other guy patted him on the shoulder and gave him a look of genuine concern. He said

EXACTLY, my friend, and that is the problem.