She wants to visit her ex's mom

[Thorninmyside]

I have a plate overseas whom I visit regularly on business and when I do she takes time off from work so we can date, bang a lot etc. Neither of us have pushed for any titles for what we are, but we have talked about marriage our and have gradually dropped other plates we might have had (frankly, I've been too busy to date locally much anyway) over the course of the six months we've been seeing each other. Interestingly, so many of the tired and true tools of the dj toolbox have been unsuccessful on her, like if I withdraw interest she does too. If I go ghost she calls me out. If I neg she negs me back twice as good and we end up laughing our asses off rather than proving ourselves to the other. She's actually the best intellectual challenge I've had with a girl.

So, we made plans for her to come to me for Christmas for a week, but we also found out her work will be sending her here for a week in September.

On the phone last night she says quite matter of factly "I don't think I need to go there in December now". When I ask why she replies "I think I need to go to the US to see a friend's mom who is very ill. It might be the last time I get to see her".

Me: oh, what friend?
Her: my ex boyfriend's (from two years ago) mom
Me: how did you find out she's sick?
Her: he told me. I was very close to her and when we broke up I promised I'd see her again some time.
Me: oh, ok. You never told me that you still talk
Her: yeah, sometimes. It's not like we did anything bad to each other. Does it bother you?
Me: well hey, it's not like we've said that we are anything, but I just didn't know. That's all. You never mention them (guy or mom)
Her: well, let's talk about it later. (She had to go)

Maybe I'm being an insensitive jerk, but I'm a bit bothered by this. We've both been saving to do some travelling around my country over Christmas, but now I'm being bumped for her ex's mom who she's suddenly got the money to go see.

Should I be sucking it up, going ghost, telling her I'm not thrilled? What? I'm happy not to give a **** and keep on kicking ass at life, but I don't want to reward bad behaviour either and set bad precedence. It's very important for me to retain at least half the frame with this girl because there is a bit of unspoken tugowar in that dept because we're both strong willed and intelligent.

TL;DR: girl cancels December trip to see me to go see ex boyfriends dying mother instead. I can't help but feel annoyed I'm just finding out they're still in touch now, want to retain a position of strength and not go AFC when the subject comes up for more discussion.

 

[zinc4]

She isn't your gf, so yeah, you can't really say anything ....she could genuinely care for his mom or it could be her excuse for seeing him...either way you two aren't official so u can't act like it bothers u....also...did she dump her ex or did he dump her???? Or did she breakup because he cheated on her? All of this matters a lot...who finished the relationship while holding the power??? Also...if she is sincerely close to the mom and she is terminal ly I'll who are u to say she can't see her....it's kind of a grey area...but if you post the details of the relationship with her ex and how it ended, it should be fairly easy to decipher what is really going on here....but like I said, you have zero position to interfere or get upset...it's just a plate...

 

[Thorninmyside]

Good points zinc.

She lived with him when she studied in the US for a couple of years, moved back to Hong Kong and did the long distance thing via phone for a while but he kept promising to be with her and never made anything happen so she got tired of waiting. She stayed single for a year and then we met through a singles site.

 

[Lotus Effect]

Yup, that pretty much settles it!

She is not over him, because, simply, it never ended!

It had to be broken due to distance/timeframe limits.

Not to sound like an a**hole, but all points zinc made are 100% spot on, and the actual breakup situation is not a breakup at all.

Also, you don't have much to say to an extent... Just don't sit around and wait for her to do her "business". You really can't say much, but you can act.

If you really want something out of this girl, you just can't sit around and watch your girlfriend to be go overseas to fork another dude. I don't believe this is right, and it goes against everything I believe.

Just dump her sorry ass, and leave her to deal with her sh*t. You don't want to get involved with a chick who has half finished business on a world scale!

 

[Thorninmyside]

I don't really think I'm at a point where I would dump her for a trip she hasn't taken and some cheating she hasn't done, but I do see that I was premature in phasing out other girls I was talking to and taking out. We've never used the words boyfriend and girlfriend but it did look like it was going that way.

Perhaps I need to make time to see other girls, show her that good behaviour will get her more of my time, if she even wants it (she calls me almost every day and takes holidays when I visit so I can't say she doesn't try). For all I know the ex could be just baiting to get her back for another shot. It's August now. If the old bag was gonna die, she won't be around at the end of December anyway.

 

[Ruleit]

Perhaps you should wake up and realize that this girl is only looking for a meal-ticket to the states. The chances are pretty good that the ex is going to pay for her ticket to visit him in December and the the dying mother is just a smokescreen.

You aren't the special snowflake you thought you were to her.

The lesson to learn here is to NEVER develop any serious feeling during a LDR / internet fling. You never get to really observe her in the wild and natural surroundings. It's all smoke and mirrors and based on meaningless words spoken over the ether.

Don't dump her, enjoy her during September as if it's the last time you will see her. Mentally prepare yourself that you will be doing the dumping and not her. Definitely work on seeing other girls IN REAL LIFE and start phasing her out so that by the time December comes you won't give a sh!t if she's banging the ex or not.

 

[logicallefty]

I visit my ex mother-in-law/father-in-law fairly regularly. Just went to the house and saw him tonight. But my ex wife does not live there and we are both for 1000000% sure mutually over each other.

So I don't see a problem with the act of seeing the ex's mom, all other factors a side. But it sounds like there is more to it in your case.