Sexual attraction in LTR - is it gone, or just a phase? (Long post)

[Laszlo]

I don't know if a one year relationship is considered a LTR or not, but that's not really important in this case.

Anyways - me and my girlfriend celebrated our 1 year anniversary just a couple of weeks ago and everything has been exceptional between us - apart from one thing, the sex life. (And this is not another thread where she won't give me sex - it's the other way around).

It felt like we've known each other all our lives just after a few weeks we'd been together. She truly is my best friend and we almost never fight, the few 2-3 times we've had our differences and we got grumpy on each other, lasted for just a couple of hours, and those occasions were also just based upon lack of communication.

In the beginning of our relationship we had sex all the time, everywhere, in every position. We even did it in the elevator at my place once - we're lucky we didn't get caught

For the first 6 months of our relationship she was abroad studying so we only saw eachother for 7-10 days at three different occasions when I went to visit her. We got togehter just a few weeks before she was about to leave for her studies, but we we're both aware of this when we got together. The long distance relationship was a bit tough at times, but I won't lie and say that I didn't enjoy my space from time to time, because I did. This is only my second serious relationship so I'm not used to spending all my time with a partner, I still need my own space or I easily feel choked. Sometimes when we'd be apart for just an hour or so, she'd text me how much she was missing me - so while I was feeling a sense of peace to be for myself, I instead started to feel guilty about it.

Since she came back from her studies abroad our sex life has been declining steadily and the last 2-3 months we've only had sex 1-2 times per month. She's very sexual and she could still have sex 2-3 times a day. There comes a time in every relationship when you don't have sex for a week for the first time, and when that time came in our relationship she pointed it out immediately, and that kind of behavior doesn't help me one bit.

Whenever she points out that we haven't had sex for so and so long, it just makes me wanna have sex even less. Just like with the text messages, whenever I was perfectly fine with not having sex, or not be with her for just a few hours, she'd pressure me and make me feel guilty. (Not intentionally, but that is none the less how it made me feel). She even makes fun of it and calls me gay from time to time. I know she doesn't mean to be a bvtch, but that just makes me want to have sex even less.

Last week we had sex for the first tine in almost a month, and I only had sex because I felt pressured that we didn't have sex for a long time, not even during our anniversary weekend. So what eventually happened is that I couldn't go through with it, I eventually lost my erection - this is the 2nd time that happens with her. We had lunch on Monday and on Monday night she came over to collect some of her clothes. Not because we we're breaking up but since her parents just got home from their vacation and they don't approve that she sleeps over at my place (old fashioned parents,she has different religious background and all that boring stuff). However, it still felt as we just broke up, and we haven't seen each other since then, she's been extremely short on words the next two days and we haven't even texted each other since Wednesday, and this has made me feel very bad. Sick to my stomach so to speak - the kind of feeling you get when you lose somebody close to you.

Basically, what I'm trying to figure out is, if my loss of sexual attraction for her is totally gone, or if this is something that is normal? I'm trying to figure out if it would be any different if we did spend a little less time together, or if I'm just trying to use that as an excuse for not wanting to have sex with her.

I'll be gone working all weekend so I won't see, and maybe not even hear from her, until Sunday - if we decide to meet and have a talk. But whenever we see each other next time, I know that that will be a pivotal point in our relationship. Either we'll have a long talk and try to forget about it all, or we'll break up. I don't see any other outcome.

My biggest concern is that I don't want to leave her - I've never met anybody who resonates with my personality like she does. On all levels. Not my brother, not my best friends, no one. But that alone won't make it a successful relationship - so for that to happen, I do hope that my sexual attraction for her is just gone temporarily - but I don't know. Have any of you had similar experiences? And what have you done to help it? From what I know of my own sexual drive and attraction towards other women is that it changes. All the time. One day I get turned on by big tits, next day maybe I see somebody with a pair of fresh legs that turns me one. One day I'm craving pizza, the other day mcdonalds, and I'm not denying it.

However, this makes my wonder if I could ever have a successful LTR, because I'm sure that I whoever I might get together with, even if it's the and only HB11 on this planet, some days I will still find somebody else more sexually appealing. So, what the hell to do?

 

[blong1068]

I don't know if a one year relationship is considered a LTR or not, but that's not really important in this case.

Anyways - me and my girlfriend celebrated our 1 year anniversary just a couple of weeks ago and everything has been exceptional between us - apart from one thing, the sex life. (And this is not another thread where she won't give me sex - it's the other way around).

It felt like we've known each other all our lives just after a few weeks we'd been together. She truly is my best friend and we almost never fight, the few 2-3 times we've had our differences and we got grumpy on each other, lasted for just a couple of hours, and those occasions were also just based upon lack of communication.

In the beginning of our relationship we had sex all the time, everywhere, in every position. We even did it in the elevator at my place once - we're lucky we didn't get caught

For the first 6 months of our relationship she was abroad studying so we only saw eachother for 7-10 days at three different occasions when I went to visit her. We got togehter just a few weeks before she was about to leave for her studies, but we we're both aware of this when we got together. The long distance relationship was a bit tough at times, but I won't lie and say that I didn't enjoy my space from time to time, because I did. This is only my second serious relationship so I'm not used to spending all my time with a partner, I still need my own space or I easily feel choked. Sometimes when we'd be apart for just an hour or so, she'd text me how much she was missing me - so while I was feeling a sense of peace to be for myself, I instead started to feel guilty about it.

Since she came back from her studies abroad our sex life has been declining steadily and the last 2-3 months we've only had sex 1-2 times per month. She's very sexual and she could still have sex 2-3 times a day. There comes a time in every relationship when you don't have sex for a week for the first time, and when that time came in our relationship she pointed it out immediately, and that kind of behavior doesn't help me one bit.

Whenever she points out that we haven't had sex for so and so long, it just makes me wanna have sex even less. Just like with the text messages, whenever I was perfectly fine with not having sex, or not be with her for just a few hours, she'd pressure me and make me feel guilty. (Not intentionally, but that is none the less how it made me feel). She even makes fun of it and calls me gay from time to time. I know she doesn't mean to be a bvtch, but that just makes me want to have sex even less.

Last week we had sex for the first tine in almost a month, and I only had sex because I felt pressured that we didn't have sex for a long time, not even during our anniversary weekend. So what eventually happened is that I couldn't go through with it, I eventually lost my erection - this is the 2nd time that happens with her. We had lunch on Monday and on Monday night she came over to collect some of her clothes. Not because we we're breaking up but since her parents just got home from their vacation and they don't approve that she sleeps over at my place (old fashioned parents,she has different religious background and all that boring stuff). However, it still felt as we just broke up, and we haven't seen each other since then, she's been extremely short on words the next two days and we haven't even texted each other since Wednesday, and this has made me feel very bad. Sick to my stomach so to speak - the kind of feeling you get when you lose somebody close to you.

Basically, what I'm trying to figure out is, if my loss of sexual attraction for her is totally gone, or if this is something that is normal? I'm trying to figure out if it would be any different if we did spend a little less time together, or if I'm just trying to use that as an excuse for not wanting to have sex with her.

I'll be gone working all weekend so I won't see, and maybe not even hear from her, until Sunday - if we decide to meet and have a talk. But whenever we see each other next time, I know that that will be a pivotal point in our relationship. Either we'll have a long talk and try to forget about it all, or we'll break up. I don't see any other outcome.

My biggest concern is that I don't want to leave her - I've never met anybody who resonates with my personality like she does. On all levels. Not my brother, not my best friends, no one. But that alone won't make it a successful relationship - so for that to happen, I do hope that my sexual attraction for her is just gone temporarily - but I don't know. Have any of you had similar experiences? And what have you done to help it? From what I know of my own sexual drive and attraction towards other women is that it changes. All the time. One day I get turned on by big tits, next day maybe I see somebody with a pair of fresh legs that turns me one. One day I'm craving pizza, the other day mcdonalds, and I'm not denying it.

However, this makes my wonder if I could ever have a successful LTR, because I'm sure that I whoever I might get together with, even if it's the and only HB11 on this planet, some days I will still find somebody else more sexually appealing. So, what the hell to do?

My opinion is that one year into a relationship is way too early to not want to have sex anymore. It's not even a year really, when it's a LDR I don't even count that time, because you barely see each other, thus keeping the attraction strong. If you are not sexually attracted to her, you need to end it. You could tell her about it, but then anything she does to gain your attraction you will know she is just doing because you want her to, not because whatever sexy thing she is doing is natural.

I'm a month out of a relationship that started similar to yours. It was long distance for the first nearly 2 years. Six months after I got home, she lost attraction for me. I believe the long distance helps you form a bond, because you are talking all the time, but not seeing one another. When you do get together again, you start to see some things that you never saw before, little things may get annoying. Be glad it's you that lost attraction and not her. I say cut your losses and move on. Dragging it out will only hurt her more, and leave you feeling miserable as you continue to not be attracted to her.

 

[MacDaddy]

Are you sexually attarcted to other girls ? If yes dump her. If no then that's a whole different story

 

[drak_ool]

one word: viagra!

 

[Zarky]

Dude, I get sick of chicks 3-5 months into a relationship if I see 'em all the time. Many men have this same "issue." I think it's evolutionary, myself. Your genes saying, "Ok dude you've banged this chick enough, time to find other ones."

The vast majority of marriages become sexless after awhile. It's happened to every LTR I've had since I was 18 years old, *IF* we hung out a lot. And especially if you're living with a girl, the sex goes right down the toilet.

I hear about some relationships where the two people have great sex forever, but I've never experienced this nor have I known anybody who experienced this.

One of the MLTRs I'm in right now (6 years), we have sex about once every 4 months. She whines about it constantly but I just don't want to have sex with her. Another girl I'm dating broke up with her husband of 19 years because they hadn't had sex for the last 10 years of it. We only get together once every week or two, so the sex is still all right, but once we spent 3 days in a row together and toward the end I didn't want to touch her with a 10-foot pole.

Fact is, for a large number of people, when you hang out with a person a lot, you love them very much but the lusty sexual attraction just does not stay.

 

[Captain]

Doesn't matter if it is NORMAL or not, for most men, being a chump is normal.

 

[LeftyLoosey]

You're out of her league. Time for you to move up in the world. Guys and girls can't be friends...

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Laszlo,
Sorry,psychological triggers being absent,you either have a very serious illness or you are stringing us along....

 

[Laszlo]

Are you sexually attarcted to other girls ?

yes, so it's defo not a physical problem, thank god.

Dear Laszlo,
Sorry,psychological triggers being absent,you either have a very serious illness or you are stringing us along....

I'm not following...

Thanks for your inputs, everyone.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

One way to make a woman feel unappreciated and like shyte is to not be sexually attracted to her. Unless you do something quick, this bird's gone.

She's likely feeling terribly rejected. Tell her that you have psychological problems and that you'd like to see a sex counselor with her so you can get your boner back.

It could be she is quickly slipping into neediness when she's not getting the constant ride from the baloney pony, which in and of itself is a boner killer. (not the baloney pony, the neediness).

Either way, sounds like you've got some issues you need taken care of. No shame in that, only in not taking care of them.

 

[drak_ool]

And especially if you're living with a girl, the sex goes right down the toilet.

That was def not the case when I was living with my girlfriend. I also know guys who go on vacation with their girls and 2-3 days into it they re getting ready to lose their sanity cuz they have to hang out with her 24/7. Again, I never had that problem, so I don't think it's "genetically" ingrained in us that we can only see a girl for a few months and then we lose interest.

I do think however that you shouldn't enter into a LTR unless you feel an extremely strong connection with a girl, that goes beyond sex and physical attraction. If you don't feel that, then I understand your idea of only seeing her once in a while, so as not to get too irritated by her.

 

[bukowski_merit]

Get in some fights - you'll want to fvck more then...

Have her blatantly flirt with other guys in front of you - you'll want to fvck more then...

If you don't - then there is something wrong with you. Both of those things naturally increase sexual aggression in both males and females by a lot.


what is it that you do with all your free time away from her? explain in detail what you do with the majority of it. when you get home and realize you don't have to see her that night... you sigh a breath of fresh air and start thinking about.....

 

[thecurtainfalls]

I've heard of (and experienced) the sex disappearing after a year or two into a relationship where the two people are around each other a ton, but I've never had my own desire be the cause of that.

She's not your friend, bro. She's supposed to be your girlfriend. If you're no longer sexually interested in her, it's time to move on, for BOTH of your sakes. I hardly think she's thrilled about this development and it's probably causing her some significant anxiety.

 

[kingsam]

apologies for speling mistakes cant be botherd to check!

She truly is my best friend and we almost never fight,

you are not supposed to be friends... you are ment to be lovers
andwhn people never fight it means one person usually giving in to the other (often the man nowdays coz they are scared to stand up for themselves)

For the first 6 months of our relationship she was abroad studying so we only saw eachother for 7-10 days at three different occasions when I went to visit her.

that is NOT a relationship...

This is only my second serious relationship so I'm not used to spending all my time with a partner,

that is a very dangerous thing to do that WILL kill a RL

I still need my own space or I easily feel choked. Sometimes when we'd be apart for just an hour or so, she'd text me how much she was missing me - so while I was feeling a sense of peace to be for myself, I instead started to feel guilty about it.

you guys are incompatable ... she is NEEDY...this is BAD... people shoudl allow space for "time away from partner"

Since she came back from her studies abroad our sex life has been declining steadily and the last 2-3 months we've only had sex 1-2 times per month.
She's very sexual and she could still have sex 2-3 times a day. There comes a time in every relationship when you don't have sex for a week for the first time, and when that time came in our relationship she pointed it out immediately, and that kind of behavior doesn't help me one bit.

Whenever she points out that we haven't had sex for so and so long, it just makes me wanna have sex even less. Just like with the text messages, whenever I was perfectly fine with not having sex, or not be with her for just a few hours, she'd pressure me and make me feel guilty. (Not intentionally, but that is none the less how it made me feel). She even makes fun of it and calls me gay from time to time. I know she doesn't mean to be a bvtch, but that just makes me want to have sex even less.

you need to initiate the sex a hell of a lot more

Last week we had sex for the first tine in almost a month, and I only had sex because I felt pressured that we didn't have sex for a long time,

you may as well split with her

not even during our annivers However, it still felt as we just broke up, and we haven't seen each other since then, she's been extremely short on words the next two days and we haven't even texted each other since Wednesday, and this has made me feel very bad. Sick to my stomach so to speak - the kind of feeling you get when you lose somebody close to you.

Basically, what I'm trying to figure out is, if my loss of sexual attraction for her is totally gone,

she will always remember this problem...it will stay in the back of her mind...VERY BAD for you and the RL

you RL is damaged forever.....

or if this is something that is normal? I'm trying to figure out if it would be any different if we did spend a little less time together, or if I'm just trying to use that as an excuse for not wanting to have sex with her.

I'll be gone working all weekend so I won't see, and maybe not even hear from her, until Sunday - if we decide to meet and have a talk. But whenever we see each other next time, I know that that will be a pivotal point in our relationship. Either we'll have a long talk and try to forget about it all, or we'll break up. I don't see any other outcome.

My biggest concern is that I don't want to leave her - I've never met anybody who resonates with my personality like she does. On all levels. Not my brother, not my best friends, no one.

this is the worst kind of thinking a guy can EVER have...and keeps them from leaving crappy relationships

there are lots of better women out there...you need to just be proactive in meeting them

But that alone won't make it a successful relationship - so for that to happen, I do hope that my sexual attraction for her is just gone temporarily - but I don't know. Have any of you had similar experiences? And what have you done to help it?

even if you start having sex more, your issues will come back.....

you sound reasonably young (ie shes in college so you must be ssimilar aged)...so you should make a clean start with new chicks and experience a variety of women....

From what I know of my own sexual drive and attraction towards other women is that it changes. All the time. One day I get turned on by big tits, next day maybe I see somebody with a pair of fresh legs that turns me one. One day I'm craving pizza, the other day mcdonalds, and I'm not denying it.

ah this fits which what i said before...you should experience a varitey of new women (ones who you want to sleep with!)

this gives you an opportunity to find out what types of personality you like (there WILL be women who are better matched with you than this current GF!)

However, this makes my wonder if I could ever have a successful LTR, because I'm sure that I whoever I might get together with, even if it's the and only HB11 on this planet, some days I will still find somebody else more sexually appealing. So, what the hell to do?

-you need a mindset where "you are the prize" not the girl
-you need to have experience of a range of girls

retationships should be fun, exciting, ans sexual/passionate NOT a chore...this is is a chore for you

 

[iliketennis]

move on

 

[Strelok]

Some men just don't feel any desire for sex when pushed from a woman,is simple.
You don't have any physical problem,you don't have any psychological problem.

 

[Jblitz59]

I once had a psychological problem with one of my 1-year exes.
The problem was I could never *** with her from only sex..

so i know how it feels, you think, "what am I gay or something?
I should be able to perform with women."

I think you need to let her know subtly that you are losing attraction in HER. (not woman) but say it in a way that makes her panic..
that way she may think of a sexy sexy way to attract you back

 

[Miles28]

Dude,

It's totally normal, for many guys at least. Some guys are lucky and retain their initial level of attraction for the duration of a relationship going 5, 10 years into the future.

Not me, I had exactly the same problem as you. Found the perfect girl for me except that the attraction vanished and I just didn't have any desire to have sex with her. I feel incredible loss as this person was truly amazing. However it's my honest belief that men need both the pair bonding experience and the sowing our seeds experience. So the only way a guy can be truly happy is to have a stable LTR but to bone other girls on the side. I'm not advocating that, especially in a society which tells us that it's wrong to do that (and there are some threads dealing with the ethics of cheating in the mature man section).

I split up with the girl I talk about above. I know I'm going to have the same problem in every LTR I'm in but I think when I'm into my 40's I'll be able to accept that it's more important to be with the right girl than to keep having to get rid of women because the sex has become boring. However at the moment I'm not ready to do that.

It will be hard for you if you split up with this girl, there'll be a lot of pain. But I think it's probably for the best. Whatever all those stupid women's magazines say there isn't any way to rekindle attraction. You need different girls. Wish you the very best of luck.

M

 

[Laszlo]

I texted her today, we haven't said a word to each other since last Wednesday and we haven't seen eachother in almost 10 days now.

These days have been a pain in the ass, especially the first 3-4 days. I even cried a few times because of the feeling that we might be on our way to different paths in our lives, but I kept myself from acting during those most emotionally difficult days. I took my time to try to figure things out for myself. If I would have contacted her, we'd probably be back to normal again, whatever that means...anyways, I still don't know what the hell to do, but I told her we should talk tomorrow after work, and I still don't know what will come out if it, but I have a strong feeling we're going to break up and that gives me set of mixed emotions. It saddens me, and I know I won't feel like doing anything but watch ****ty movies and feel sorry for myself for a long time, but it also gives me a sense of freedom I've not felt in a while.

Well...we'll see what happens tomorrow. I just don't want to wait it out and wait for her do dump me just because I can't make up my mind - she deserves better. Man, I wish she had just cheated on me or something, it would make it so much easier. I'm about to let the best person I know out of my life. Life does suck, sometimes.

Oh - one more thing - where to have the talk? Should I ask her to come by my office, or to come to my home, or would that stir up to many memories? She still has some of her clothes and other stuff at my place, so she'll need to come back here to get them anyway.