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Says "I just need a little time to myself"...HELP?
- Thread starter Glassguy
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Glassguy
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Got a random text from her yesterday. Just chit chat, like she was either reaching out or just seeing if I would respond. I sent back a playful response and then heard nothing back. Weird. Went on a date last night, ended up having a great time and making out with this very hot chick at the end of the date. I'm quickly losing interest in the girl I dated for 2 months that's now the entire reason for this thread lol.
Glassguy
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That's pretty accurate!
hockeyfreak79
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Yep just chalk this 1 up as a quick summer fling. Your intensity didn't match hers so she has ejected. My aloofness has gotten me into similar position. It is was it is. Typical sabotaging the whole thing because you didn't validate & reassure her after her vacation.
3x a week in the beginning, meeting the family really fast. She was clingy/emotional, I bet she was really intense at times as well but in a good way.
Surge on man have fun on the boat plenty of summer left!
3x a week in the beginning, meeting the family really fast. She was clingy/emotional, I bet she was really intense at times as well but in a good way.
Surge on man have fun on the boat plenty of summer left!
LiveFreeX
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Igetit!
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Don't know why...but I'm kinda curious as to what she said when she texted you.
Heh...you used the word "weird". If she sent you a text,and it seemed strange as to why she did it,it was likely EGO-DRIVEN.
In other words,she sent you a text not out of interest,but to see if you still had interest in her. If she determined that you did based off what you said,then that's the reason you didn't get a response....she got what she was after.
If you replied ANYTHING that indicated that you still wanted to see her,bam...mission accomplished on her end.
I guess that's good. Me personally,it wouldn't have taken another "hot" chick to make me lose interest in this girl.....her behavior alone would have turned me off.
I'd like to know what she said to you in her text...what EXACTLY......and what your response was to her.
mrgoodstuff
Master Don Juan
They are EASY its easy because you WANT to be there. Other than that it's a bunch of BS.
Once Bitten
Don Juan
She sounds like a f'n flake. Flakes can create havoc in your life, it's what they do. Her mind is a mess. You don't need a mess, nobody does.
She has issues that haven't been resolved, and it's not your job to be her emotional tampon or therapist by proxy. Move on and hold your head high, you just learned how to I.D. a flake, and what results.
Thank the Lord it was a mild ending, this could have turned out a lot worse. (I'm pregnant...)
She has issues that haven't been resolved, and it's not your job to be her emotional tampon or therapist by proxy. Move on and hold your head high, you just learned how to I.D. a flake, and what results.
Thank the Lord it was a mild ending, this could have turned out a lot worse. (I'm pregnant...)
Glassguy
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We had exchanged texts the day before, where I asked her what she wanted me to do with her stuff. It's basically just a few DVDs she left at my place, one being The Conjuring.
Out of the blue Saturday:
Her: are you scared to keep The Conjouring? Lol
Me: haha no...I was never scared of the movie, I just liked the build up to you cuddling up close to me when we watched it
She never responded back.
Realizing I left a decent pair of boat shoes on her moms boat, I asked her about it last night, so I texted her about them:
Me: can you grab those awesome boat shoes I left on the boat? Thy I'll be handy for me to have in my boat.
Her: yep
Me: great! Thanks
If she was trying to turn her text Saturday into conversation, she didn't make any effort into taking it there. Looks like she was just seeing if I would respond.
Again, my emotional effort level didn't match hers early on. But that's just not my thing. Maybe things could have been different if I had been, but I'm not going to change who I am just because a chick wants to rush.
Glassguy
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Very true......that would have been a disaster.
She told me very early that she doesn't dish out compliments easily and then showers me with them. She also said she wasn't quick to get emotionally attached.....then did very quickly. This could possibly be a dodged bullet
Igetit!
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And there you go. I think she was just checking to see if whether or not your feelings had changed for her.....a direct result of the no contact you pulled. She probably thought you were angry,upset,or just lost interest altogether and decided to move on.Out of the blue Saturday:
Her: are you scared to keep The Conjouring? Lol
Me: haha no...I was never scared of the movie,I just liked the build up to you cuddling up close to me when we watched it.
She never responded back.
I think your cuddle comment re-assured her she could have you back if she still wanted.
She didn't any effort because conversation wasn't her goal. I don't even think you responding was her goal.....it was (imo) to see if you still had interest. I think she confirmed that you still do.
It is what it is. You had a good two months with her,then things cooled down. You could still probably get her back,but it'd require a LOT of effort on your part....lot of patience,and a ton of no contact. Wouldn't be worth it. You said you met some other hot chick,I'd just focus on her. You'd have to deal with and go through A LOT of childishness and nonsense from the 1st chick before you'd see any real signs of interest and her being serious about wanting to date you again.
LiveYourDream
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I think so many relate to experiences wondering WTF happened. An extra long ramble of thoughts if one is inclined.
You can't unwind a mess like this through texting. It doesn't work. Too many feelings and room for more misinterpretation and more misunderstanding.
If you want to give it another chance, no more chit chat, now or in the future. It only feeds the problem/underlying misunderstandings between you two right now. Do not engage with her except to set up a time/date/place.
Each time she responded, after you clearly asked her out, I think it would have been better to simply ignore what she texted and reply CW style, by straight away asking her if she figured out when she was free to get together. If she said yes, set up the date and end the conversation. If she said no, tell her great to hear from her and ask her to reach out again when she does, and immediately end the conversation. That's it from you, until you see her in person. Anything else she can tell you in person, should you give her another chance. That's a whole other commentary.
Understand your chasing her, your initiating and your responding to her chit chat, and your not pushing a second meet-up, since things got weird, have not helped you. Take note of that for your own self awareness and improvement. Her inability to communicate directly, the vulnerability she is feeling and what she would like from you, is not helping her or her potential with you. She's staying withdrawn in her fear occasionally putting out feelers to check the temperature and see if it's safe and worth her while to come out. At the same time, both of you not realizing what is woman/man speak and in need of translation for clear understanding, is not helping either of you.
From my perspective she still would like more with you. In all the funky communication, to her the possibility has almost entirely faded completely, as it has for you. She's still remaining a bit hopeful. She may even reach out in several months to test the waters again, if you both go silent for a while. She'd be really disappointed to have what seemed so good go downhill the way it has and completely fizzle into nothing. Knowing you are more likely to bail on her than ever, she wants some reassurance and some security in knowing you may actually want more together, as does she, before she's wiling to let down (more of) her armor. Things got weird between you two while she was gone. Since she's been back, her feeling of vulnerability has raised even further and your level frustration is rising and understandably so. The weirdness just has made it all the much worse for both of you. She questions why would you want to commit to more amidst all the unease and with that why would it be smart for her to be even more vulnerable knowing you are likely already out the door (you told her in your text) or at best on your way to the door (as you are still responding.)
TL;DR bold above and here...
I personally do not think you are a well suited match for one another at this point. She wants more than a FWB. I don't think that would be a wise move on your part. Communication is key and your ability to understand one another clearly and easily, especially when emotions rise or vulnerability hits, seems incredibly challenged.
For me when there is a challenge in any relationship, I want to be able to communicate freely about it in a way that both parties feel heard, understood and met. In a LTR I am all for caring and meeting each others needs. I am not a fan of mind reading, passive aggressive behavior or withholding, especially as punishment. I want to be with people with whom clearing the air is relatively effortless. To me, clearing the air is an opportunity to re-attune to the caring and loving that is always already present. From that place resolving anything else that needs to be addressed, with a spirit of cooperation, understanding and ease. That's my personal preference. It takes two who prefer to play that way. Some prefer drama or just aren't comfortable being direct. I am not a fan of drama or guessing what's going on with another. I'd recommend you avoid it too. Unless she pulls a quick 180 with clear communication clarifying the misunderstanding and her behavior, I'd walk.
If you do so without big drama or blame, she'll reach out again, in the future. I have next to no doubt on that. You can always engage again, after time away, if you are inclined. I'd suggest you move on to women with whom communication is more clear and effortless. From any serious ltr candidate, accept no less.
She was likely trying to respond to what she heard from her mom, after her mom spoke to your friend (or the tension she was feeling in general.)
I am all for meaning what you say and taking people at their word (when that's appropriate.) There are two problems. So much of what we mean is actually conveyed by tone, facial expression, body language, pitch, etc. Text does not offer insight into any of those pointers. When there is unresolved tensions, misunderstanding and hurt, it is an especially dangerous time to communicate almost anything by text. The most obvious meaning to one, without the other pointers, can suddenly seem to mean something entirely different to another. It's so easy to unknowingly project a slant onto words that was never intended by the sender. You could send the same text to a person having a great day or when they are really challenged and how they receive those same words, can very immensely, because of the filter they read it through. Secondly, men and women have their own communication styles. Each offers more than the words spoken when properly understood. Without the understanding of the unspoken sub context, misunderstanding and hurt feelings are much more likely. Words alone aren't everything.
What is obvious emotion and context to the sender is often entirely absent or confusing to the receiver. She reached our with a text meaning AAAA. Without the other pointers, in your vacuum you take it to mean EEEEE. You respond accordingly to EEEEE. Your response likely throws her off as it doesn't match to AAAA. You both once again are wondering WTF. The same mismatch and frustration happens when a woman speaks in 100% "woman speak," to a man who has no clear translation into "man speak" and vice versa. That's my perception of these exchanges.
She reaches out and texts BBBBB and you likely understood GGGG, not through any fault of your own. She genuinely likes you and doesn't want things with you to end. To a man, I get her actions and reactions seem to make no sense and are 100% off-putting to you. She has no idea that you heard EEEEE and then GGGGG. She's left wondering WTF too. She's not sure how to unravel the mess and static that seems to take up the space between you now.
You can't unwind a mess like this through texting. It doesn't work. Too many feelings and room for more misinterpretation and more misunderstanding.
If you want to give it another chance, no more chit chat, now or in the future. It only feeds the problem/underlying misunderstandings between you two right now. Do not engage with her except to set up a time/date/place.
Each time she responded, after you clearly asked her out, I think it would have been better to simply ignore what she texted and reply CW style, by straight away asking her if she figured out when she was free to get together. If she said yes, set up the date and end the conversation. If she said no, tell her great to hear from her and ask her to reach out again when she does, and immediately end the conversation. That's it from you, until you see her in person. Anything else she can tell you in person, should you give her another chance. That's a whole other commentary.
Understand your chasing her, your initiating and your responding to her chit chat, and your not pushing a second meet-up, since things got weird, have not helped you. Take note of that for your own self awareness and improvement. Her inability to communicate directly, the vulnerability she is feeling and what she would like from you, is not helping her or her potential with you. She's staying withdrawn in her fear occasionally putting out feelers to check the temperature and see if it's safe and worth her while to come out. At the same time, both of you not realizing what is woman/man speak and in need of translation for clear understanding, is not helping either of you.
From my perspective she still would like more with you. In all the funky communication, to her the possibility has almost entirely faded completely, as it has for you. She's still remaining a bit hopeful. She may even reach out in several months to test the waters again, if you both go silent for a while. She'd be really disappointed to have what seemed so good go downhill the way it has and completely fizzle into nothing. Knowing you are more likely to bail on her than ever, she wants some reassurance and some security in knowing you may actually want more together, as does she, before she's wiling to let down (more of) her armor. Things got weird between you two while she was gone. Since she's been back, her feeling of vulnerability has raised even further and your level frustration is rising and understandably so. The weirdness just has made it all the much worse for both of you. She questions why would you want to commit to more amidst all the unease and with that why would it be smart for her to be even more vulnerable knowing you are likely already out the door (you told her in your text) or at best on your way to the door (as you are still responding.)
TL;DR bold above and here...
I personally do not think you are a well suited match for one another at this point. She wants more than a FWB. I don't think that would be a wise move on your part. Communication is key and your ability to understand one another clearly and easily, especially when emotions rise or vulnerability hits, seems incredibly challenged.
For me when there is a challenge in any relationship, I want to be able to communicate freely about it in a way that both parties feel heard, understood and met. In a LTR I am all for caring and meeting each others needs. I am not a fan of mind reading, passive aggressive behavior or withholding, especially as punishment. I want to be with people with whom clearing the air is relatively effortless. To me, clearing the air is an opportunity to re-attune to the caring and loving that is always already present. From that place resolving anything else that needs to be addressed, with a spirit of cooperation, understanding and ease. That's my personal preference. It takes two who prefer to play that way. Some prefer drama or just aren't comfortable being direct. I am not a fan of drama or guessing what's going on with another. I'd recommend you avoid it too. Unless she pulls a quick 180 with clear communication clarifying the misunderstanding and her behavior, I'd walk.
If you do so without big drama or blame, she'll reach out again, in the future. I have next to no doubt on that. You can always engage again, after time away, if you are inclined. I'd suggest you move on to women with whom communication is more clear and effortless. From any serious ltr candidate, accept no less.
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Glassguy
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@ Live- This is what frustrates me with a woman like this. Everything was great, then it collapsed. She told me that she wanted more by saying "I dont know where I stand with you sometimes when I shower you with compliments and sometimes they go unresponded to..." and "I am not sure what we are....not that I need a label or anything...but I would like to know where I stand with you..."
How much clear can a man be when he says "I really liked how things were going between us, I think we have potential and I definitely want to keep dating you" and "I would like to get around this weirdness and get back to having fun and having a relationship with you".
I think from a man's perspective, I have been very clear. I opened up more with her but maybe a little too late after she started having feelings of being vulnerable and thinking that I was not going to stick around. I think what I said above, several times, should have gotten it back on track.
I am not reaching out again. She doesnt seem very active in responding to the "open" things I say at this point and I definitely dont want to pour more out.
FYI- I dropped her movies off at her work today. She wasnt there yet, but I handed them to one of her employees with a smile on my face and strong frame and asked politely for them to let give them to her when she comes in.
Will she contact me in the future? Based on my past experiences I think so. Probably more chit chat and feeler text messages. I will in fact respond with turning them right back into setting up a time and place. Whether she does or doesnt, I will continue checking out other possible partners.
How much clear can a man be when he says "I really liked how things were going between us, I think we have potential and I definitely want to keep dating you" and "I would like to get around this weirdness and get back to having fun and having a relationship with you".
I think from a man's perspective, I have been very clear. I opened up more with her but maybe a little too late after she started having feelings of being vulnerable and thinking that I was not going to stick around. I think what I said above, several times, should have gotten it back on track.
I am not reaching out again. She doesnt seem very active in responding to the "open" things I say at this point and I definitely dont want to pour more out.
FYI- I dropped her movies off at her work today. She wasnt there yet, but I handed them to one of her employees with a smile on my face and strong frame and asked politely for them to let give them to her when she comes in.
Will she contact me in the future? Based on my past experiences I think so. Probably more chit chat and feeler text messages. I will in fact respond with turning them right back into setting up a time and place. Whether she does or doesnt, I will continue checking out other possible partners.
BetterCallSaul
Master Don Juan
I actually skimmed through all this ****. Lot of different areas of advice...not sure what might be the right area to go with though.
My impressions however are that she's got at least 1 other guy in the picture somewhere. Dont know where, dont know how serious, but I do think there's some other guy. Also she's 29. Reading OPs texts and general updates was a fvcking PAIN IN THE ASS...that's right, just reading this s#it was a pain. I can't imagine dealing with this s#it from an actual woman that I'm considering trying to get into a relationship with. Too much f*cking work.
Oh, but she said she doesn't want to play games? Oh right...sure. Notice how a lot of women who say that crap still end up playing games anyway? It's like reading an online ad for a woman who says no sex on the first date. Yeah sure.
This woman wanted to be with you? She did not make the same level of effort OP did to make it happen. She did not rearrange things in her life to try and break down barriers with OP in order to be with him and/or spend more time with him. OP also did display weak frame on multiple occasions. OP's leadership needs to be improved in my opinion. I also think this chick being 29, indecisive and still flakey, is likely going through her hitting the wall crisis and wants to give the carousel one more good ride before she figures out which c0ck she likes best.
My impressions however are that she's got at least 1 other guy in the picture somewhere. Dont know where, dont know how serious, but I do think there's some other guy. Also she's 29. Reading OPs texts and general updates was a fvcking PAIN IN THE ASS...that's right, just reading this s#it was a pain. I can't imagine dealing with this s#it from an actual woman that I'm considering trying to get into a relationship with. Too much f*cking work.
Oh, but she said she doesn't want to play games? Oh right...sure. Notice how a lot of women who say that crap still end up playing games anyway? It's like reading an online ad for a woman who says no sex on the first date. Yeah sure.
This woman wanted to be with you? She did not make the same level of effort OP did to make it happen. She did not rearrange things in her life to try and break down barriers with OP in order to be with him and/or spend more time with him. OP also did display weak frame on multiple occasions. OP's leadership needs to be improved in my opinion. I also think this chick being 29, indecisive and still flakey, is likely going through her hitting the wall crisis and wants to give the carousel one more good ride before she figures out which c0ck she likes best.
Glassguy
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I understand that my comment made her know there were still feelings there.The problem that started this, me not opening up with this girl, that was the point. If that was the problem, I wanted to let her know in a very direct way that the feelings were there.
So I responded in an open kind of way and it backfired. Honestly, I came out of the game playing mode a little too early because a possible relationship with her was on the horizon and I dont have a problem being direct and way more open when it gets to that point of a relationship, which we were really in when you look at it. If she is interested but doesnt want to feel completely vulnerable on her part with me not showing emotions, one would think that my text response would trigger a response from her and it didnt. Damned if I do, damned if I dont at this point.
She didnt do what I hoped with the interest I showed by responding, and responding the way that I did.
Cant do much now except pursue other options and make a decision to respond or not if/when she reaches out.
Glassguy
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@ Live- one more thing:
I think at some point, in the last week, we had been able to get together (alone...no lunch meeting BS) and actually had privacy where we could talk about this, what each other expected and wanted, etc....things would be back to somewhat normal with fun dates, etc on the horizon. I completely agree with you on that and setting up a time and place is the ONLY thing I will possibly respond with.
It is SOOOO hard to deal with things, as adults, through text. I can get so much more from seeing a person's face and reaction when I speak to them than the words coming out of their mouth!
I think at some point, in the last week, we had been able to get together (alone...no lunch meeting BS) and actually had privacy where we could talk about this, what each other expected and wanted, etc....things would be back to somewhat normal with fun dates, etc on the horizon. I completely agree with you on that and setting up a time and place is the ONLY thing I will possibly respond with.
It is SOOOO hard to deal with things, as adults, through text. I can get so much more from seeing a person's face and reaction when I speak to them than the words coming out of their mouth!
BeExcellent
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Ok. @Glassguy thinks he was clear. The chick thinks she was clear but they are clearly and absolutely misunderstanding one another.
This thread to me is no longer so much about this specific situation but more generally about communication, and breakdown thereof.
When she says she doesn't know where she stands she is trying to find out in a cloaked way, do you like her, how serious about her are you? She should have been more direct and asked about boyfriend/girlfriend status instead of asking a more obtuse and tangential question.
When you say you are still interested in dating her you are actually saying things are fine as it but I'm not ready to be exclusive (I'm still seeing/screwing other women).
That's not the answer she wanted to hear so she has backed away and doesn't want to invest in you further since she thinks she cares more about you than you do about her, and this is not in keeping with whatever future fantasy outcome she has created in her mind, hence weirdness.
Some of it is immaturity. She isn't mature enough or secure enough to trust that you like her or you wouldn't spend time with her, and she is making the mistake of framing things based on her own future expectations rather than enjoying the moments for what they are.
But neither of you is doing a great job of effectively communicating to the other, like what LYD suggests.
This thread to me is no longer so much about this specific situation but more generally about communication, and breakdown thereof.
When she says she doesn't know where she stands she is trying to find out in a cloaked way, do you like her, how serious about her are you? She should have been more direct and asked about boyfriend/girlfriend status instead of asking a more obtuse and tangential question.
When you say you are still interested in dating her you are actually saying things are fine as it but I'm not ready to be exclusive (I'm still seeing/screwing other women).
That's not the answer she wanted to hear so she has backed away and doesn't want to invest in you further since she thinks she cares more about you than you do about her, and this is not in keeping with whatever future fantasy outcome she has created in her mind, hence weirdness.
Some of it is immaturity. She isn't mature enough or secure enough to trust that you like her or you wouldn't spend time with her, and she is making the mistake of framing things based on her own future expectations rather than enjoying the moments for what they are.
But neither of you is doing a great job of effectively communicating to the other, like what LYD suggests.
Igetit!
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You know what? Honestly.....I wouldn't even do that.
I mean sh!t man......how many different times and ways does she have to ignore and blow you off? If you did respond asking her about a time and place,HOW MANY TIMES would that make of you reaching out to her? Two? Three? And what has her response to all your reachouts been? NOTHING.
And wasn't it her who said she doesn't like to play games? This same girl who said she was "very honest" and doesn't like to play games..........what did she do Saturday? Sent you some text about a dvd,then ignored you when you responded. She's probably laughing at how she's treated you,and no matter what she's said or how she's acted,you keep coming back for more by continuing to ask her out.
I swear.....I've seen adolescent girls exhibit more mature behavior.
I don't see what incentive she'd have to change her behavior. Is there ANYTHING she could do that would cause you to lose interest?
LiveYourDream
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I know it may be hard to believe, but she is likely just as frustrated and disappointed as you are, if not more.
Those statements are clear. To you they hit the bullseye. To you they say let's move forward. To her they are door openers. She is excited and she replies to you, as a woman, which mean--with her feelings. To her, she reaches out and walks through the door toward you. Again, she's a woman so she expresses her feelings...
To her, she was reaching out to connect. To her, she was reaching out to explain and bring understanding. To her, she was being vulnerable in sharing herself and her feelings with you. (She was implying her deep regard and respect for you by choosing to share with you.) She was expressing why she (her feelings about) had been feeling hesitant. She was hoping, she was risking (in her perception) that you would receive her vulnerability in a sensitive, tender, compassionate and understanding way.
You obviously experienced what she sent entirely different than the way I perceive she intended it. It seems to me that you took her words to mean something like, she wants to remain independent, on her own and not seeing you. Here's your response...
TL;DR To her, she steps out of her safety zone to reengage after it feeling really unsafe, to her. What does she get? She got rejected and immediately, without further discussion, broken up with (or whatever you want to call it). You made it clear there was no more room for discussion, as you had already moved on to planning when you would drop off her stuff. If you think you were going WTF, consider now how much she was also going WTF just happened. She likely looked something like this-->
Am I suggesting it was all your fault? Absolutely not. Was there tremendous misunderstanding between you two? Absolutely, yes.
Are you both still wondering WTF? Absolutely. That's what lack of understanding does, until clarity comes.
A tremendous amount (not all by any means) of what men and women perceive as the other playing games, in my observation, is often simple misunderstanding and unawareness of the different communication styles/operating systems. When it happens, it's thought of as the other is playing games. Rather than gaining clarity, one's more negative projections and insecurities usually come into play, behavior is altered in a defensive way, people pull away and interactions/relationships head south. It's unfortunate. I so wish men and women could understand one another more clearly.
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