Riddle me this

[Fruitbat]

The mystery of woman.

I’m back at my wife’s home country and she’s been moody ever since we came. To the extent it’s left me wondering what’s wrong.
She’s been on her shark week so probably why.

I had to leave earlier because I couldn’t spend any more time with her. She wasn’t too rude but just uninterested and moody.

We can’t fk at her parents house. Anyone who’s dated Asian girl knows this needs a lock.

suddenly out of the blue she whips out a bag of underwear she knows I will like and reveals certain adjustments also she knows I will like! Plus she’s booked us a hotel and arranged childcare and paid for a ton of other stuff that evening.

WTF.

why the BS before?

i swear we will never understand them. I assume she’s done this to bring me to despair and then to the tip of elation.

or more likely, she doesn’t plan and her emotions take her for a ride. Or maybe she’s just aware she’s been a prick and had this planned before and now she feels better she hits me with that

I fully expect now her to be “‘not in the mood” on the night. They really are a head****.

 

[Fruitbat]

…and this is exactly why I’m not married.

Good choice in retrospect.
Sadly I could only score with a super hot chick if I married her. It’s still worth it!

 

[NoBiscuits]

This doesn't sound like anything to do with you.

It sounds like she has mixed emotions about returning home after being far away. Maybe her parents' house strikes her as cold, or it's something she's moved on from long ago. Things are familiar, but they're not the same. What was "normal" is now foreign and somewhat depressing. Anyone who's left home for something completely different knows this exact feeling.

She booked the hotel so she could get out of her parents' house, which was making her moody. It bypasses their roles as authority figures of a certain lifestyle and allows her to be her re-invented self.

Not that big a mystery, honestly. Seems pretty straightforward to me.

 

[Fruitbat]

This doesn't sound like anything to do with you.

It sounds like she has mixed emotions about returning home after being far away. Maybe her parents' house strikes her as cold, or it's something she's moved on from long ago. Things are familiar, but they're not the same. What was "normal" is now foreign and somewhat depressing. Anyone who's left home for something completely different knows this exact feeling.

She booked the hotel so she could get out of her parents' house, which was making her moody. It bypasses their roles as authority figures of a certain lifestyle and allows her to be her re-invented self.

Not that big a mystery, honestly. Seems pretty straightforward to me.

Yes mate you got it.
Also her mum berates her to hell so she’s always on edge around her.

I had a physical fight with her mum when she kept trying to take an ice cream off my daughter. I don’t care about drops on a marble floor ffs just wipe it up. I restrained her and told her to F off.

My wife left her last man because “he was in the pocket of my mother” so I get real appreciation as I won’t tolerate it - but I am also very nice to her sometimes and respectful, and she knows I’m a good dad and very much a family man so it’s the best of all worlds - I protect my wife at the same time I play the family game.

Asian families are complicated but generally you can tell parents to F off but if you’re super respectful afterwards and save their face they are fine. It’s all about face saving in Asia.
I think the ice cream incident I said “I didn’t want you getting ice cream on your top” and they accepted that.

they are weird. You can do what you like really but you have to frame it to put them in charge and then it’s all good.

 

[NoBiscuits]

I didn't want to say it, but when I read your first post (especially the hotel part), my immediate thought was "Her mother must be a suffocating control freak that has let her down as a parent too many times."

This isn't an Asian thing. Same thing goes on all the time in the West. In particular, it's lower middle class gen x divorced mothers that exhibit this behavior the most, usually on the socially conservative side. It's often accompanied by a passive father who has checked out a long time ago.

I've seen this setup act itself out in person several times now from multiple families. It's depressing every time, and there's no fixing it. I've lost friends because they just couldn't get out of their mother's world, even if I tried to force them out of it.

Imagine living with a random number generator attached to a bomb as your primary authority figure for 20 years. Which of these events do you think most liekly results in a hysterical argument lasting 2 hours that ends up cutting deep into a child's psyche and makes them feel guilty for the rest of the day?
A. Buying a new jacket
B. Inviting friends over for a birthday
C. Arriving home from the lake
The answer is: all of them, but not every time. This is what your wife has probably dealt with growing up. Just show her some support and stabiltiy while she toughs the trip out.

 

[All_Kindz_Of_Gainz]

super hot chick

That's your problem. You married for the wrong reason, you have her on a pedestal, hence you got married, cause she's hot, ignoring the obvious, that she is a harpy kunt.

 

[All_Kindz_Of_Gainz]

She booked the hotel so she could get out of her parents' house, which was making her moody.

That's not her job, you got no fvcking leadership skills, bro you suck at marriage. You should've done that, what kind of a man will c0ckblock himself by sleeping in her parents home. You should've booked the hotel, you should've planed the childcare, you just suck at being a lider, if you don't get better she will resent you for it until she hates you.

 

[NoBiscuits]

I can't tell if those replies were supposed to be satirical or not

 

[All_Kindz_Of_Gainz]

I can't tell if those replies were supposed to be satirical or not

Wait, you think that him knowing how her mother is, he shouldn't have a plan to not stay there to sleep, to maker her wife feel safe knowing they have a hotel waiting for them away from toxicity? You think he shouldn't have ****blocked himself by sleeping there in the first place?

Since I joined forum he's been lost for a long time, making mistakes, and not learning from them, then getting mad at other members who point the obvious. He never had any kind of leadership.

And judging by what you wrote, you never thought that it was a man's job to plan a trip, have everything set up, children taken cared of, places to visits, cause they shouldn't be with her parent all day long.

This is is simple, she maybe s harpy kunt, she may be bitchy cause of her parents, but the guy never went with plan, he just followed her lead and women are terrible making plans, and eventually they will resent you for it.

 

[The Duke]

That's not her job, you got no fvcking leadership skills, bro you suck at marriage. You should've done that, what kind of a man will c0ckblock himself by sleeping in her parents home. You should've booked the hotel, you should've planed the childcare, you just suck at being a lider, if you don't get better she will resent you for it until she hates you.

Man you gotta real in your anger. Lay off the weight lifting drugs or fix whatever is driving your bad attitude. @Fruitbat doesn't deserve your schitt. How about a better way to get your point across?

 

[The Duke]

The mystery of woman.

I’m back at my wife’s home country and she’s been moody ever since we came. To the extent it’s left me wondering what’s wrong.
She’s been on her shark week so probably why.

I had to leave earlier because I couldn’t spend any more time with her. She wasn’t too rude but just uninterested and moody.

We can’t fk at her parents house. Anyone who’s dated Asian girl knows this needs a lock.

suddenly out of the blue she whips out a bag of underwear she knows I will like and reveals certain adjustments also she knows I will like! Plus she’s booked us a hotel and arranged childcare and paid for a ton of other stuff that evening.

WTF.

why the BS before?

i swear we will never understand them. I assume she’s done this to bring me to despair and then to the tip of elation.

or more likely, she doesn’t plan and her emotions take her for a ride. Or maybe she’s just aware she’s been a prick and had this planned before and now she feels better she hits me with that

I fully expect now her to be “‘not in the mood” on the night. They really are a head****.

I've always thought its easier for a woman to do something nice for you than it is to confront the issue, admit, and apologize. I think this is her way of showing she gets it, she doesn't like it, and she is trying to accommodate you. They are always indirect communicators.

 

[All_Kindz_Of_Gainz]

Man you gotta real in your anger. Lay off the weight lifting drugs or fix whatever is driving your bad attitude. @Fruitbat doesn't deserve your schitt. How about a better way to get your point across?

Why so sensitive? Also why do you reply to me? Give him advice, not me, I'm living my best life, I got no anger, just strong words. Besides, a guy who's been in this forum for almost 10 years and his "only shoot of getting a really hot chick is to get married", deserves all the chit.

Sadly I could only score with a super hot chick if I married her.

Is this a guy who's been in a forum for 10 years and has learned anything, is this a guy with a high self esteem?


How's Seeking Arrangements working out for you?

 

[BeExcellent]

Fruitbat, Family dynamics can be tough. You marry not just the girl, but her family too.

The advice from @NoBiscuits is spot on. There is a reason she left Asia & came to UK. Her parents are the reason (or a huge contributing factor). Everyone saves face that way: the parents get to proudly brag to friends that daughter is off in UK doing well, your wife gets out from under her insufferable mother.

The issues come now that yall have a child and the insufferable parents have now laid a guilt trip the size of China on your wife about coming to visit and of course they expect to host your family in their home.

Be kind to your wife; be steadfast. Visit the parents less if you can. She will identify more and more as your wife & less as her parents daughter. Grant her permission to tell her parents no when they make unreasonable demands or are unkind to your wife.

Be her hero in those ways, like when you tell her mother No and when you protect your daughter. Being married comes with some of this territory.

My new MIL is much like NoBiscuits described above: Overly absentee, guilty about it at times, demanding & you never know what will set her off, but she's super fakey sweet to your face.

Ugh. Thank God she lives several states away. We are not having children so we get a pass on all the grandmama drama.

Hang in there.

 

[Money & Muscle]

My wife turns until her old self around her family. It's not that different, but it's noticeable. I imagine this is stressful on her as she feels compelled to act as 2 different people, and only one of them is the person she likes.

A woman who can see the world beyond her own perspective (unicorn trait) may notice she is being a bit sh*ttier to her husband as a result. I imagine said woman would want to make that up to the man she loves most.

That being said, if this man reacts emotionally to this woman's sh*t, she is likely to blame you for all her weird and conflicting emotions.
So remaining indifferent to her poor behavior will likely pay off in these scenarios. Sounds like you've done this part well

 

[Fruitbat]

That's your problem. You married for the wrong reason, you have her on a pedestal, hence you got married, cause she's hot, ignoring the obvious, that she is a harpy kunt.

come to heel naw brah. She has some other good qualities and I don’t think you’re gonna find perfection. Plus I’m not perfect either.

you have some validity in that yes, I do prioritise beauty as I would rather be single than not have a beautiful woman.

 

[All_Kindz_Of_Gainz]

I would rather be single than not have a beautiful woman.

But the question is, are you ready to handle a beautiful woman?

 

[BaronOfHair]

"...suddenly out of the blue she whips out a bag of underwear she knows I will like and reveals certain adjustments also she knows I will like! Plus she’s booked us a hotel and arranged childcare and paid for a ton of other stuff that evening."

My 5 cents: Rejoice in all of the above, and resist the temptation to ruminate on everything else. We moderns spend entirely too much time hunting around for hidden meanings in every last one of our interactions with one another

 

[NoBiscuits]

My new MIL is much like NoBiscuits described above: Overly absentee, guilty about it at times, demanding & you never know what will set her off, but she's super fakey sweet to your face.

It's a tough situation to be trapped in. I lived a floor above this type of mother, and socialized her family with mine many times. I've heard all their arguments. When she went off, she went off for hours. Over nothing, usually.

Best of luck. I sympathize.

 

[NoBiscuits]

My 5 cents: Rejoice in all of the above, and resist the temptation to ruminate on everything else. We moderns spend entirely too much time hunting around for hidden meanings in every last one of our interactions with one another

Agreed. I think she did this with OP to make things feel simple to herself again. He should just take it easy, maybe listen to her vent a bit. Then when they are finished visiting, things will likely go back to normal after a week or two.

 

[BaronOfHair]

Agreed. I think she did this with OP to make things feel simple to herself again. He should just take it easy, maybe listen to her vent a bit. Then when they are finished visiting, things will likely go back to normal after a week or two.

Let's hope The OP provides us with an update. Wish him and his woman the best