Really need help with this girl

[farhadr227]

Hi everyone. I'm a shy guy 23 years old and now I'm studying at a college. There is this girl who had showed me her interest in getting to know me several times but because I was really shy, I allways avoided her. this has annoyed her. and now I can see how she avoides me. anyone in her place would do that. and this is not the first time shuch a thing happens. people feel I'm rude or proud or something, while I deeply desire to approach them but can't because of my shyness. what they see is a guy who never talks, never looks at them and never responds to their "implied invitations" for getting aquainted. this hurts me. but this particular girl, I am recently getting emotionally deep for her. there's something in her that I feel I really don't wanna let go. She awakens a sort of life in me that has long been lost.
What should I do? I'm ready to ignore my shyness and do anything to fix this situation and become her friend. ANYTHING, just as long as I know its the right thing to do. I know she likes me too. what should I do? go to her immediately and confess that I'm shy and never meant to be impolite and tell her I want her to be my girlfriend?
Please I really need some advice.

 

[Kings_royalty]

Get rid of your shyness, it has done NOTHING for you so far except bring you grief. Get online and look up some self help books that deal with being shy. You won't make any progress until you jump over this hurtle.

 

[farhadr227]

Ok but what about this girl?

what should I do to fix my relationship with this particular girl? I don't want to let her go.

 

[edmond]

From reading your depressing letter, you will become nothing more than a friend .

 

[Evangenlion]

tisk tisk
wasn't Kings_royalty's message clear enough for you?

Here let me help Kings_royalty out:

"before anything else...GET RID OF YOUR SHYNESS!!!!"

you can't recover this "relationship" till the shyiness goes, so don't ask.

 

[Oldboy]

I completely agree with what these guys are saying. Get rid of your shyness. And start now.

You're looking for a quick fix, when what you really have is a deep-seated problem. There's no magic formula to repairing any particular relationship. You're going to have do some hard work to improve yourself and your approach to other people. BUT - if you address the underlying problem, you're going to reap the rewards for the rest of your life. OK?

But if you want some advice about how to try to salvage a friendship with this particular girl, I'm willing to give some, as long as you understand that THIS WILL PROBABLY END BADLY NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO NOW.

But you need to give some more background first. There's nowhere near enough information here to judge your situation.

1. Do you have friends in common? How many? Men or women? How many good friends do you have at your college?
2. What kind of time frame has this happened within (when did you meet, when did she last express interest, when did she turn cold, and how long from then until now?)
3. What sorts of genuine interests do you have in common - in other words, what makes you think you have the makings of a friendship/relationship here?
4. Are you really willing to settle for friendship, or will you always be wanting something more?

But I'd like to reiterate, because it's important: think about the long run. Do you want to feel this way, and run into these problems with every relationship you have? Because that's what's going to happen if you don't find a new and better way to deal with other people. That's what this place (and all this DJ and PUA stuff) is really all about, and it can be enormously helpful to you if you choose to use it.

Best,
Oldboy

 

[farhadr227]

Hi
Oldboy I'm sorry I didn't have access to computer for 2 days. Here's the detailes you asked me about:
1-I don't have any FRIENDS at college. I do talk and laugh and everything with some guys but I can't count them friends. I have never gone out with any of them. and about the girls, my relationship with them at college is confined to sayng Hi to a few and some small talks sometimes. nothing more. I guess this adds difficulty to the situation doesn't it?
2-Since the first time she showed interest in me it has past about a year.
3-From the first time I saw her I liked her very much. and not because she's hot, she's not a HOT GIRL. and about our common interests, I really don't know alot about her. I just have the feeling that she has a sort of cute shyness in her. though mine is not cute! But that's something in common. I don't think she has been in long term relationships, which I haven't been in any either. And she appears emotional. and I am emotional. and she listens to Anathema! and I do that too!! I checked her ID in yahoo360 she had so few friends and there was a lyric from anathema on top which read "do you wanna know why I prefer to be alone?"
4-Well I think I'm so ready to fall in love with her. so I'll probabely need more than just a friendship. But I won't let this to ruin even friendship.

I hope this was enough information. If not I'll write more. Oldboy what do you think? can I fix this thing and get her to be my gf? I'd really appreciate your help.

 

[BigOlePappy]

what should I do to fix my relationship with this particular girl? I don't want to let her go.

I would talk to 5-10 other girls a day for a week or two before talking to her

 

[BigOlePappy]

Don't let these guys on this board fool you. This sort of thing has happened to many a guy, so don't feel dumb or anything. You actually have balls for making this sort of a post. But... you are going to get oneitis then its over.

you are an AFC


Oh yeah. I hope this isn't a joke post.

 

[farhadr227]

p.s.
not at all I don't want to remain this way the rest of my life. I have allways had bad emotional problems with people I liked. though I don't appear shy at all. and more than many guys have revealed their impression of me that I am a "party guy" and have many friends and girlfriends!!
anyway I don't want to remain internally shy. but the advices that therapists give, really takes strongest wills in the world to accomplish. specially when my relationship with the therapist is so empty of emotions and its all about money. I think every guy addopts the social attitude of their father. and that is an unconscious process that takes place in early childhood. now if this attitude is supposed to change later, again a "father" is needed. somebody I can emotionally feel towards like he's my father. that he's my ideal, and that he loves me. then he can convey his attitude to me. this is the sort of relationship that sigmund freud was able to develop. if there's a coach or therapist in the world that can radically change the attitude of a guy like me, he must first of all be a pickup artist. and he must be able to develop a deep and emotional friendship with me. and he must do all this not for money but just out of love. I don't see any other way. and please, do you know any shy guy that has succeeded to really get rid of their shyness and become a pickup artist? no not Neil Strauss, I mean someone you or anyone here closely knows.
Well I suppose what I said here meant that getting rid of shyness is practically imposible. I don't know. I'm still searcing for a practical way out of this. but as far as I have figured out, the current solutions available everywhere nowadays, are just the best way to spend a whole lot of money and afterwards adding something to existing emotional problems:"I'm not strong enough. I have a weak will. there was a way out of this but it took a bit of will, which I didn't have. I'm to blame."
This is all that current helps available lead to:blaming the shy instead of helping him.
This is why I come here and all I ask is how to fix my relationhip with this particular girl. I need your experience.

 

[BigOlePappy]

p.s.
not at all I don't want to remain this way the rest of my life. I have allways had bad emotional problems with people I liked. though I don't appear shy at all. and more than many guys have revealed their impression of me that I am a "party guy" and have many friends and girlfriends!!
anyway I don't want to remain internally shy. but the advices that therapists give, really takes strongest wills in the world to accomplish. specially when my relationship with the therapist is so empty of emotions and its all about money. I think every guy addopts the social attitude of their father. and that is an unconscious process that takes place in early childhood. now if this attitude is supposed to change later, again a "father" is needed. somebody I can emotionally feel towards like he's my father. that he's my ideal, and that he loves me. then he can convey his attitude to me. this is the sort of relationship that sigmund freud was able to develop. if there's a coach or therapist in the world that can radically change the attitude of a guy like me, he must first of all be a pickup artist. and he must be able to develop a deep and emotional friendship with me. and he must do all this not for money but just out of love. I don't see any other way. and please, do you know any shy guy that has succeeded to really get rid of their shyness and become a pickup artist? no not Neil Strauss, I mean someone you or anyone here closely knows.
Well I suppose what I said here meant that getting rid of shyness is practically imposible. I don't know. I'm still searcing for a practical way out of this. but as far as I have figured out, the current solutions available everywhere nowadays, are just the best way to spend a whole lot of money and afterwards adding something to existing emotional problems:"I'm not strong enough. I have a weak will. there was a way out of this but it took a bit of will, which I didn't have. I'm to blame."
This is all that current helps available lead to:blaming the shy instead of helping him.
This is why I come here and all I ask is how to fix my relationhip with this particular girl. I need your experience.

Is this a joke post?

 

[farhadr227]

what?

 

[Phyzzle]

Is this a joke post?

(I'm guessing his 1st language isn't English.)

Look Farhadr, one of the main beliefs we have here is that you must improve yourself in general before bothering with women. Guys who never learn how to have a conversation with other guys fail miserably when they go to girls.

 

[Oldboy]

Hey...

1-I don't have any FRIENDS at college... I guess this adds difficulty to the situation doesn't it?

Unfortunately it does. If you had friends in common, you could ask them how she felt about you, etc.

However, the bigger problem here is that you have no friends at school. Having a circle of people around you who you like and trust will enrich your world immeasurably. You should make a serious effort to expand your social scene - join a campus organization, get involved in whatever political cause you believe in, join a book club.

2-Since the first time she showed interest in me it has past about a year.

That's a long time. Her opinion about you has probably changed significantly since you first met.

3- about our common interests, I really don't know alot about her. I just have the feeling that she has a sort of cute shyness in her... And she appears emotional. and I am emotional. and she listens to Anathema! and I do that too!!

That's not much, I'm sorry to say. One band, emotion, shyness. It sounds like you have this girl on a pedestal based on a few impressions. You may feel she is perfect for you, but she's probably VERY different than you believe - and you may be nothing like what she would view as bf material.

4-Well I think I'm so ready to fall in love with her. so I'll probabely need more than just a friendship. But I won't let this to ruin even friendship.

Right now, IMHO, you need friends more than you need a girlfriend. You're ready to base your whole social world around this girl you barely know. Don't value your self-worth on the judgements of any one person. Seek balance in life, and in your social world.

I said this earlier: be emotionally ready for this to go badly.

You should really work on making friends before you try to get a gf. I mean it. You deserve to have a gf if you want one - don't get me wrong - but a guy needs to have friends to talk to, not just us anonymous ghosts on your computer screen.

However, all that said, there is something you can do.

Ask her out for coffee.

Approach her. Be friendly and confident. Ask her if she has a few minutes to get a cup of coffee together.

Be prepared for her to say no.

If she says no, remain friendly and confident. Ask her when she's free to do it some other time.

Again, be prepared for her to say no.

If she says yes, then have the coffee, talk about classes and Anathema, and have fun. Don't worry about the uncomfortable silences - they'll happen, let them pass. At the end, tell her you'd like to do this again.

Do NOT creep her out by telling her that you've been obsessing about her for the past year, and visiting her webpage. Just have a pleasant conversation.

If she says no? Then that's that. OK? Be prepared for this, because it is most likely what will happen. Don't freak out - it doesn't make you a bad person or a failure. It means only that this particular person is not attracted to you at this particular time.

You should be proud of yourself for doing something difficult, something that made you push yourself out of your shyness.

And then it will be time for you to move on.

Farhadr, it's clear from your posts that you're a person who's experienced a lot of emotional pain. No gf is going to be able to solve your problems for you. There's no quick fix. You're seeking professional guidance, and that's good. To repeat what Phyzzle and others have been saying: improve yourself. Keep your eye on the long road of personal growth. This involves having friends and meeting girls.

This site can help you with that.

You need to read all the posts in the DJ Bible about the inner game. Also read the one about the Cartography of Hell - http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=111514

Things will work out for you. Believe that.

I wish you all the best.

Oldboy