Problems with disrespect from wife

[Rollo Tomassi]

Heheh, well either I'm genius or it's a pretty sad testament to the state of understanding modern psychiatry has about intergender dynamics.

Invitation accepted.

 

[davewe]

I agree

Thanks for this, CC.

SS is a great site for dating, getting back to dating after a breakup, understanding women, etc. but marital problems - get real.

If the OP had said he was breaking up from a long marriage and what should he do to move forward in his life, this would be the place. But he clearly would like to save his marriage. At 17 years, the OP has had far more success that 99% of the men here (my own 13 years included).

That being said, there's been a lot of good advice in this thread; surprisingly good. But Hero, you need more support than you can get from a site like this.

At this risk of getting flamed, I would encourage Hero to seek professional counseling/therapy. Not necessarily couples therapy, though I'm not completely opposed to that. BTW, most couples therapy fails not because it's inately bad but because by the time most couples enter therapy their relationship is on fumes and unable to survive.

No, I would encourage the OP to seek professional counsel from a guy not associated with a dating website. Whether or not your marriage survives, you are going to need advice or at least a neutral ear.

Good luck.

I've stayed out of this thread and tried not to say anything, but I have to say this. So many of you are acting all high and mighty, telling him what he should and should not do, most of that involves divorce/hiding his money/preparing to leave etc. Hello??? This man has been married to this woman for 17 years. 17 years!!!!! Some of you guys freak out over a problem you are having with your gf of 2 months! And you are giving that kind of advice (divorce) to a guy who has shared every day of his life with this woman for the last 17 years?? And they have kids together? Most of us cannot relate to that. Most of us have no clue as to where this guy is coming from. It's very easy to tell this guy that his wife is fvcking the dude, or he should divorce her, but go be in a marriage for that long and than tell him that.

I'm not even saying his wife isn't cheating. Hell she could be. From what I can read of this, she probably isn't, but ya never really know. And I congratulate the OP for starting to remove his head from the sand and stand up for himself. I know that no wife of mine, or gf for that matter, is going to be hanging out with some guy like this guys wife is. Especially a wife with children. But he let it happen and now he is paying for it. But I really think that until we have definitive proof that this guys wife really did cheat, we should come up with some more constructive ways for this guy to deal with this in SAVING THE MARRIAGE rather than all of the ways he should plan for divorce. He obviously still loves her, still wants to be with her, wants to save his family....lets find ways to make it work, instead of destroying it.

PS: I realize some of you have done that (come up with ways to save the marriage).....thank you.

 

[heroshima]

You know guys, we are doing some counseling (which I'm going to end) and I have done individual counseling before and this forum is EXACTLY what I have needed.

I'm smart enough to filter out the "take the money and run" comments from the ones that are giving me real tips that I can use.

And you know, the "take the money and run" comments have been a good exercise for me anyway to genuinely consider - what if this did come apart and I or she wanted out. What would I do?

Thank you all for participating in this. It has been a huge help to me.

I realize I have a long way to go before this issue with my wife settles down and I also realize that this is a new beginning for me. To center myself and take what I want from life.

To quote Nas:
"Life is what you make it nigga, I'ma make it.
No matter what it takes my nigga, I'm gonna take it."

I knew there was a reason I listened to gangsta rap.

 

[heroshima]

By the way, my wife has called and texted me like 10 times today.

Check out this gem of a text:
"I want you to know that I want to heal our relationship. I am interested in you."

Her whole stance toward me has changed and will continue, I'm sure of it.

 

[Falcon25]

By the way, my wife has called and texted me like 10 times today.

Check out this gem of a text:
"I want you to know that I want to heal our relationship. I am interested in you."

Her whole stance toward me has changed and will continue, I'm sure of it.

This means nothing. She's feeling guilty for fuvking the other guy. Arghhhhh............some guys don't get it.

 

[Boilermaker]

By the way, my wife has called and texted me like 10 times today.

Check out this gem of a text:
"I want you to know that I want to heal our relationship. I am interested in you."

Her whole stance toward me has changed and will continue, I'm sure of it.

She sounds like the MAN and you sound like the woman. What the hell does that mean: I am interested in you ?

haha, but good to see things are becoming better

 

[grayclif]

She sounds like the MAN and you sound like the woman. What the hell does that mean: I am interested in you ?

This thread is better than TV. Great stuff here.

 

[jophil28]

. I am interested in you."

Her whole stance toward me has changed and will continue, I'm sure of it.

"I am interested in you."
That smacks of emotional manipulation to me.

A possible 'womanspeek" translation -

" The way you have been behaving lately is confusing and upsetting to me.
I liked things the way they were . I had you signed up as my personal domestic slave, and I had guitar hero as my "entertainment".
So I am going to 'hint' that I have found renewed sexual interest in you in the hope that you will slide back under my control .
I am in a panic now because I fear that my life will need to change back to being a wife and mother. Damn it, I will provide an Oscar winning seduction scene if I have to. What ever it takes."

Just my take.

 

[hithard]

"I am interested in you."
That smacks of emotional manipulation to me.

A possible 'womanspeek" translation -

" The way you have been behaving lately is confusing and upsetting to me.
I liked things the way they were . I had you signed up as my personal domestic slave, and I had guitar hero as my "entertainment".
So I am going to 'hint' that I have found renewed sexual interest in you in the hope that you will slide back under my control .
I am in a panic now because I fear that my life will need to change back to being a wife and mother. Damn it, I will provide an Oscar winning seduction scene if I have to. What ever it takes."

Just my take.

I was going to post something similar to the above. Luckily Jo did it with a whole lot more style then I ever could. This is the pendulum slowly moving back your way.

Her behavior is an attempt to drag you back into a comfort state. That means giving you crazy sex, being extra nice, attention etc. She may be doing it for genuine reasons, but I'm not interested in speculating at this time. If she emotionally hooks you before you do it to her - then game over. So you have to be a bit of a challenge and dictate the terms.

Be playful, funny, ****y but let your actions speak (avoid her gigs till things are in your favor).
Keep doing your own thing and find something you are passionate about if possible.
You also need to hook her first. Hot and cold can work.
If you can, a day before a gig take her aside and kiss her passionately before you have to go and do something, keep it short but intense. Make sure there is some kind of time restraint so you have to leave. Try to hold out from having sex all the time at the moment as well.
Before she goes to the gig try and do something similar.
The idea behind it is you are trying to hook her emotions back your way. If she is thinking about you in the back of her mind while with Guitar player it will slowly poison their connection. As stupid as this sounds play like you’re the man on the side, that’s the attitude.
The downside of this method is you make her hot and horny and she bangs him:crackup: jk

Don't isolate her to much or she will look for comfort elsewhere.
Don't overplay the DJ stuff to her to fast.
Don't fall for sudden signs of normalcy in her behavior
IMO things are moving pretty fast so don't get too ahead of yourself as that can be more disastrous.
Flirting is for your confidence. It will show without saying a word to her. All flirting should be at this time is to build the confidence that you can easily have other options. You don't need to be getting numbers or anything at this time.
Keep up the interaction with other women but don't force it down the wife’s throat to much.

I could care less if you stay or go, it's your life. All I'm interested in is you getting into a strong frame to make a decision from. That means covering all bases be it emotional, finances, game & strategy, body and confidence. It also means returning you into a favorable position in the relationship. When you are in control again then you decide.

Like I said previously she needs to be trained. It sounds bad saying it like that. But it’s a strong but discreet technique to clue her in on your expectations of her without directly saying it. That’s something for down the track anyway. Enough on your plate at the moment to keep you busy.

One more thing Do not fall into old patterns again through comfort and laziness.

This marriage is over in less than seven months. I don't care even if he had to hire actresses to play the role of other women interested in him. He has made severe mistakes. She has, and will continue, to have sex with other men. I had sex with a married woman last year, I know exactly what she's doing. She has the cards, and she knows how to use them. She's a smart one. By the way, even if she has sex with him everyday, it still doesn't subside her craving another man's covk.

Or this may come to pass.

She has dipped her toe in the water. And unless you get your frame right now and in the future, she may just do it again. Good luck with it hope it ends well.

PS anything I have posted here is for the OP's situation and not necessarily the advice I would give to others. Just a heads up for the lurkers.

 

[drak_ool]

But I still say he needs to know what truly has happened so HE can decide if HE wants to save it.

I agree with that. Sticking your head in the sand and praying for the best is not gonna do it.

Only one way to find out: let her keep playing with guitar hero and hire a private investigator. Some might cringe at that idea but how else are you gonna find out the definite truth?

 

[Jitterbug]

"I am interested in you" sounds like something you'd say to someone you're just dating (e.g lying just so you can get laid or get away with shyt). Not to a life partner of 17 years and a few kids together.

 

[Rubirosa]

This is a great thread. I'll contribute since....
I'm in my 40's
I'm divorced
I used to play guitar in bands...
My first impression is that the wife is living some kind of "bucket list" fantasy. I don't really think that she wants to run off and build a musical career w/ the guitar man (BTW you guys need to stop building him up as some kind of freakish cross of George Clooney and Keith Richards...most musicians are the biggest one-itis romantic chumps out there. Ever listen to their lyrics ? )
For the record, my friend is a Jazz musician and some of his friends who have done stuff like toured w/ Mariah Carey can't even make a comfortable living anymore just playing music. The live music scene in the U.S. for musicians is dire. My point being is that the wife needs the husband to hold down the fort w/ the kids if she wants to live comfortably while indulging her artistic aspirations.
I think it's pretty clear that she has taken advantage of the situation. If it gets to the point where the husband feels the need to publicly post the negative feelings he has, then we can assume that he's been hurt by her behavior no matter how innocent the wife may or may not be.
The bottom line is that the wife needs to be respectful. If she's not, then why waste time putting up with a bi#@ch who doesn't care that she's hurting you. Don't be afraid of starting over. I'm 45 and I've had sex w/ 10 different women this year....all return customers. All good looking. When I got divorced in the 90's, I felt old and that my life was over (I was only 33).
Although, you might not want to divorce, if the BS continues, I'd file for legal separation. If I remember correctly, when you do that, everything regarding money issues in the marriage stops on the date that you file.

 

[heroshima]

Ok, the "im interested in you" comes from stuff I've seen saying to her. I've said "its easy to see you aren't interested in me. You've made the choice again and again to break your promises to me." Meaning things like being home at a time she agreed to.

Don't worry, I'm fully aware of falling back into the comfort zone and am waiting for her to make the move toward me and stop with the "can we hug" crap. She's offered sex and I've turned it down.

I've really got her guessing now which is where this needs to be right now. I finally have her thinking about what I want. I'm being even keeled and staying light hearted. I actually feel different. My stance now is that I know I'm worth it and she needs to decide that for herself. I'm giving her room to think about it.

Also, I'm talking with women easily now but am not trying to number close or anything. It just feels good to open myself up to conversation with them. I've been having fun with it, nothing serious or potentially adulterous.

I'm still thinking that there hasn't been any sexual infidelity but the emotional infidelity is still hanging around. I got caught coasting but she seems to be realizing that I am done chasing her for love and attention. I know I dismissed the idea of divorce before but I'm open to the idea now if only because seems better than the last 5 months of her bull****.

At least I can see that her ego is deflating from its gigantic state and she's wondering what my motivation is now.

Plan for tomorrow is work and then going for a swim at the pool, dinner by myself and out later with a buddy. My goal tomorrow night is to talk to the hottest chic I can find in the club.

I'm feeling better than I have in months. Now if only I could get some sleep. I've been going on about 4 hours a night for a while.

 

[jophil28]

My point being is that the wife needs the husband to hold down the fort w/ the kids if she wants to live comfortably while indulging her artistic aspirations.

Good point and worth exploring further.
Her musical "career" is made possible only by Hero's willingness to be Mom, Dad and chief cook and bottle washer. She is DEPENDENT on him.
Hero taking over all the domestic duties allows her to sing (or play whatever).

IF this marriage ends she loses a whole lot. She loses a husband, a domestic slave, a provider, a baby sitter, and the freedom to pursue her musical career.

When you lay it out like that, he has her by the ovaries.

 

[cordoncordon]

"I am interested in you" sounds like something you'd say to someone you're just dating (e.g lying just so you can get laid or get away with shyt). Not to a life partner of 17 years and a few kids together.

Agree...that was really an odd thing for her to say. Sounds like the marriage has been in trouble for longer than we, or maybe even the OP knows. Must be more going on here behind the scenes as far as disharmony.

 

[Franky Four Fingers]

Don't get married. Spin plates.

This isn't directed at the OP but isn't that what we are all taught around here?

Cut off the head of the marriage chicken before it lays eggs.

 

[Franky Four Fingers]

Ultimatums are declarations of powerlessness.

Whenever a person is driven to the point of saying or implying, "you'd better or else" they are telling you that you hold power over them. When you aquiesce to an ultimatum, not only do you hand that power to them, you overtly confirm this transfer of power for them and yourself. Unless you are powerless to avoid an ultimatum, always deny them, because you will certainly be powerless otherwise. A relationship built on the foundation of an ultimatum isn't a relationship; it is mutually acknowledged blackmail.[/I]

I'm having a difficult time seeing that when you say to a significant other that they are doing X bad and if you don't straighten up NOW or there will be Y consequences then that is a sign of powerlessness?

It's powerless if you say it and don't mean it but if you definitively will do the Y consequences and the other party knows you mean it when you say it then it should be an empowering thing to do IMO. Not because it's a game tactic or even a relationship tactic but because the Y consequences will become fact in short order if they continue with X bad behavior/acts etc.

They are acting badly and you are warning them and you mean it. You drew a line that they shouldn't cross. "Straighten your shvt out NOW". That's powerlessness? Maybe I'm misunderstanding what you wrote.

 

[zekko]

I'm having a difficult time seeing that when you say to a significant other that they are doing X bad and if you don't straighten up NOW or there will be Y consequences then that is a sign of powerlessness?

Yeah, I don't really agree with that either. When my current girlfriend was wanting a relationship with me, she had a few orbiters. I told her I had no interest in having a girlfriend who hung out with male friends on the side. She got rid of them.

That was worded differently but it was an ultimatum essentially. The thing is, I meant what I said. I was coming from a place of conviction (this is not what I want in my life), not a place of weakness.

 

[sodbuster]

Sounds like you are heading the right direction, keep taking time off from the household stuff.[letting her know that her freedom will be limited if she gets the kids in the divorce-who can sing if they have to find a sitter?]

You'll need to stay strong. Being an easy going guy[not starting fights over little stuff-if only I could find a woman like that],has gotten you into this[women never know when to quit pushing],being a bit of an azz may keep the marriage together.

Just don't get "pearl harbor"ed. WOMEN file 90% of the divorces. SO, if you come home some night to an empty house[furniture and all] or if she accuses you of domestic violence[free night in jail while she changes the locks and empties the bank accounts,cancels the cards,etc.] and serves you divorce papers. So, now you have no place to live,no money[rent and lawyer],no clothes, etc. and she gets a month head start in the divorce.

Like I said: have some cash,have a card[office or parents address][I have a Dental office,so I kept that account FULL-so I could get to it if I needed it and 2 cards sent there]. I'd also find out who the BEST divorce lawyer in town is,pay him a hundred or so,pick his brain,pay him another hundred as a retainer[so he works FOR you if it comes to divorce].

IF you do end up divorced,fight for everything[within reason],they may be used clothes[kids] towels,sheets,pots etc. BUT you'll drop a fair chunk of change paying new prices to replace them.

 

[Zunder]

True^^^ And this is why I do not believe men and women can be just "friends". At some point, either one will evaluate the other as a potential sexual interest. I was in a band for years. We had a pretty hot female singer. There were many times when we were out doing a show, none of the spouses were present, and we were in situations and venues where there was the possibility of becoming intimate. Was I tempted? Yep, sure was.

You can tell the OP suspects something is up and rightfully so. Someone on here once said "lies contain fragments of the truth". He needs to listen to the little guy sitting on his shoulder.

Yes you can be friends with someone of the opposite sex if you both don't want to fvck each other.

If both or one of you do - disaster. I know first hand. And if both or one of you is already in a relationship - double disaster.