Problems with disrespect from wife

[heroshima]

I'm new to this forum and am glad to have found it. I need to change the way things have been going with my wife of 17 years.

We have had a very good relationship, including lots of great sex, and have two kids. She is turning 40 this year and the last 5 months have been really difficult for me. About 2 years ago she got into singing and 5 months ago she started playing with a male, single guitarist. She got really into singing with him and it has put a lot of stress on our relationship. She's been getting home late, spending a lot of time with him and texting/emailing/phoning him a lot. From what I can tell she hasn't cheated on me but I feel like she has disrespected me and our relationship. I've gone through a few rounds of establishing boundaries with her and recently had to tell her "this has taken a toll on our relationship and has to change".

The problem is that I have been very emotional around her about my jealousy and insecurity. I seem to be fitting into that "nice guy" mold. I know she is attracted to the man in me but I got to a point of thinking that I was comfortable in our relationship. I thought I could trust her and she has undermined our relationship.

She's been responding to me much more now but I need to figure out where to go from here. I've been reading a lot of posts on this forum and others in order to pull out of this "nice guy" phase.

I really do have a very deep love for her and am not ready to walk away from this. How can I communicate to her, beyond talking more about it, that what she has done isn't OK and how do I set myself up as the king of the household and someone that deserves respect?

 

[Warrior74]

marriage is serious business. And think long and hard about any advice you take here as you have a real situation with real consequences.

There is a school of thought that in this day and age, conselling and overtly talking to a woman is not going to get you anywhere in this sitution. You need to show some action. And by action, you need to do everything we would tell a single guy to do.

1. Hit the gym. Dress Well.
2. Get involved in hobbies, social things, boys nights, things to do without her
3. Be more dominate, ignore her sh1t tests
4. Learn Game
5. Save away some private assets just in case it doesn't work out, if nothing else its a nest egg for the future.

Read this.
http://roissy.wordpress.com/2009/08/14/relationship-game-week-a-readers-journey/

 

[5string]

It's all about respect big guy, and you know you are being direspected and most likely taken for granted.

You know this has to change.

Boundaries are great. I have done this in my marriage. There are no excuses for bad behavior, only consequences which must be defined and made known on your terms.

If it were me, I would be much more upset about being disrespected than just being jealous. I'm not that type.

Not saying this is the right thing for you, but I'd come right out and tell her I don't like this sh!t, it needs to stop and that she is out of line with this guy. I would also look her right in the eyes when I said it.

You may not like this, but I'd also just come right out and ask her if she is cheating. You need to know. If she says she is, you need to do what you need to do. As for me, I'd show her the fvckin door.

Don't forget this either. The guy is disrespecting you as well by clinging to your wife.

 

[Kailex]

Spot on responses.

Unfortunately, you can't really "talk" about it because it's part of her "profession" now... so whatever you say, she'll counter with "It's part of my singing career"... so I'd go with what Warrior and Pair said.

I was already thinking half of what each said.

If you put the doubt IN her, you'll see her reaction.

A lot of people would tell you to sit down and talk with her... NAY... don't listen to them. Talking will get you nowhere. Acting on your own is WAY better.

You CAN ask her if she's cheating, but you'd lose ground... because all she has to do is deny it and all of a sudden, ALL of the blame can easily be shifted to you JUST for asking. I wouldn't play into the uncertainty... YET.

I'd say, if you REALLY suspect something, your gut is probably right. Start preparing yourself for the worst but hoping for the best.

 

[Robert28]

reading your story made me think of something. it's such a double standard that women find it acceptable and harmless to have "friends" of the male species who they have to spend alot of time with. they expect you to sit back and take it but if the shoe were on the other foot and you were in a 2 person band with some georgeous woman, do you think she'd sit back and "accept it" because it's your "career"? hell no she wouldnt, no woman would. this is the type of stuff that pisses me off the most.

 

[5string]

reading your story made me think of something. it's such a double standard that women find it acceptable and harmless to have "friends" of the male species who they have to spend alot of time with. they expect you to sit back and take it but if the shoe were on the other foot and you were in a 2 person band with some georgeous woman, do you think she'd sit back and "accept it" because it's your "career"? hell no she wouldnt, no woman would. this is the type of stuff that pisses me off the most.

True^^^ And this is why I do not believe men and women can be just "friends". At some point, either one will evaluate the other as a potential sexual interest. I was in a band for years. We had a pretty hot female singer. There were many times when we were out doing a show, none of the spouses were present, and we were in situations and venues where there was the possibility of becoming intimate. Was I tempted? Yep, sure was.

You can tell the OP suspects something is up and rightfully so. Someone on here once said "lies contain fragments of the truth". He needs to listen to the little guy sitting on his shoulder.

 

[backbreaker]

I think it is prudent however to start "preparing for the worst" and hoping of the best. move some of your money if you have a joint account. don't be in a situation where she has locked you out your house penniless whose she is going at it, in your bed with her new man and there is nothing you can do about it. Be smart.


here is my .02. Any relationship where, a woman goes out with another man, constantly, and the man at home is jealous, is just not on solid ground, no mater how you try to rationalize it. It's not the fact that, if you know she 's attracted to him, just imagine what kinda sh it goes on when you aren't around.

for the freedom I give my fiancee.. no better yet, it's like a 16 year old with his parents car. For the privilege of being able to drive the car and impress your friends and go places and get hea din the back seat and all that good stuff, you wash it, you clean it, you are home 5 minutes early, with a full take of gas and an air fresher in the car. At least I was. Because I wanted to be able to get the car again. I respected my mom (who drive a benz, so i defiantly wanted to get it as often as I could). I drove the speed limit, with my seat belt on, at all times. I did everything right. I wanted my mom to not have to worry about me with her car. It's the least I could do.

For your wife going out with this dude, the least she could do, is cut off the flirty ****, bring her married but home at a decent hour, invite you out with them often... I don't mind my fiancee going out with her friends, and her friends have guy friends, who I am quite, quite sure hit on her when i'm not around, she's told me as much. I don't always want to go out with her, I want her to have a life, I have a life. But in turn for that, she is home at a very decent hour, she doesn't flirt with guys in front of me (and i'm quite sure, not behind my back either). she isn't abusing the privilege, and she gives me the same leeway, and I don't abuse it either. she knows there are females that I know. For the private of both of us having a life, outside of each other, that sometimes, interacts with the opposite sex, we make sure that we don't abuse that in each others eyes.
your wife is abusing that right now. she is treating you like crap, I am quite sure she knows it.

why she is doing it, who knows, but as we say, once the frame is gone, the relationship is over. marriage, dating or not, still the same principle. The frame seems to be well gone.

 

[Bible_Belt]

http://roissy.wordpress.com/2009/10/14/women-want-you-to-cheat/

Here is my five point plan for saving faltering marriages:

1. Stop giving compliments, flattery, and gifts.
2. Come home from work late every night.
3. Buy yourself new, stylish clothes.
4. Cheat. If she asks, deny. No need to confess to the wife. She’ll be able to smell the competitor vaj juice on you.
5. After three months of executing the above four points, unexpectedly tell your wife her ass looks great.

I challenge any multiple credentialed psychotherapists to prove me wrong. My simple five point system based in a clearheaded understanding of male-female biosocial differences VERSUS the peer reviewed, academically accredited expertise practiced by the husband-shaming marriage counseling industry. Mano a mangino.

Change #4 to flirt. Emotional infidelity is just as powerful - it's also what she is doing to you at a minimum. Plus, you won't get an unwanted kid, std, or psycho woman pounding on your front door. If you are just talking to other women, your wife be just as jealous.

Above all, you have to be able to walk away when it is time. Ironically, it is that trait in you which will make her stay.

 

[romangod]

I think it is prudent however to start "preparing for the worst" and hoping of the best. move some of your money if you have a joint account. don't be in a situation where she has locked you out your house penniless whose she is going at it, in your bed with her new man and there is nothing you can do about it. Be smart.

I was thinking the same thing. The sh!t can hit the fan at any moment.

I really do have a very deep love for her and am not ready to walk away from this. How can I communicate to her, beyond talking more about it, that what she has done isn't OK and how do I set myself up as the king of the household and someone that deserves respect?

This is the part that I find disturbing. Seventeen years is a little late to start setting yourself up as king and wanting respect. If you don't have it by now it's not going to appear out of nowhere.

You're between a rock and a hard place. As BB said, hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I sense that she's ready to make a move. Don't let it be a surprise.


Cheers!

 

[heroshima]

This is the part that I find disturbing. Seventeen years is a little late to start setting yourself up as king and wanting respect. If you don't have it by now it's not going to appear out of nowhere.

You're between a rock and a hard place. As BB said, hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I sense that she's ready to make a move. Don't let it be a surprise.

It is not that I haven't been the king before. I feel like I'm in a phase where I accepted being a dad and haven't really known where to go to from there. I know I need to change my game up.

I have had her respect and I seem to be getting more of it lately now that I've stepped up and said "this isn't fair to our relationship and you know it". But I know I still have further to go. I've been too complacent and too permissive.

 

[heroshima]

reading your story made me think of something. it's such a double standard that women find it acceptable and harmless to have "friends" of the male species who they have to spend alot of time with. they expect you to sit back and take it but if the shoe were on the other foot and you were in a 2 person band with some georgeous woman, do you think she'd sit back and "accept it" because it's your "career"? hell no she wouldnt, no woman would. this is the type of stuff that pisses me off the most.

This is one of the things that burns me. I know that she would not like it if our roles were reversed and that's the thing that finally made me call her on it. I've been asking her for months "is this fair to our relationship" and she hasn't been able to answer the question. I finally had to make a move. I should have made a move sooner.

 

[Boilermaker]

http://roissy.wordpress.com/2009/10/14/women-want-you-to-cheat/

Here is my five point plan for saving faltering marriages:

1. Stop giving compliments, flattery, and gifts.
2. Come home from work late every night.
3. Buy yourself new, stylish clothes.
4. Cheat. If she asks, deny. No need to confess to the wife. She’ll be able to smell the competitor vaj juice on you.
5. After three months of executing the above four points, unexpectedly tell your wife her ass looks great.

I challenge any multiple credentialed psychotherapists to prove me wrong. My simple five point system based in a clearheaded understanding of male-female biosocial differences VERSUS the peer reviewed, academically accredited expertise practiced by the husband-shaming marriage counseling industry. Mano a mangino.

:crackup: :crackup: :crackup:

THis is probably the funniest post I have seen in a week.

And it contains a good deal of insight, too!

 

[jophil28]

I've stepped up and said "this isn't fair to our relationship and you know it". But I know I still have further to go. I've been too complacent and too permissive.

If I were you I would stop trying to 'reason" with her and adopt the position that, " What is good for the goose...etc.."
So my suggestion is for you to go and sign up for a course of Latin Dance lessons . NO wife required !
THat will clear your head , shift your focus away from her behavior onto your own enjoyment, and allow you to feel the benefits of being around other women.

Watch her reaction when the scales are re-balanced.

 

[pipe007]

the OP (OP means Original Poster, meaning YOU HEROSHIMA), YOU sound like a nice guy talking about understanding, his whinning.. I dont see rage, I dont see indignation, I dont see awareness of her wife disrespecting him and possibly cheating on him

I dont see a man here but a little boy who is unsure and losing his wife.

Man up dude, do what it takes
being underestanding, caring, worried about her wond do anything

you said it!!
"I told her that what she is doing is not fair for our relationship"

that's girl talk right there, a man of control of his wife would not say something like that....

lol i just could not imagine my dad saying those kinds words to my mom if she were to behave like that...

my dad told me once "you know, I love your mother, we have been 25 years married, but if tomorrow she was to tell me that she has a special guy friend, i would immediately tell her that she might as well pack her bags and move out of the house with him... period."

and he means it.

you sir, sound like a girl... not surprised why your wife is out there "hanging out" (yeah right) with the singer.

good luck

 

[heroshima]

What's "OP"?

 

[Bible_Belt]

What's "OP"?

The Original Poster to this message thread, meaning you.

 

[heroshima]

Got it. Thanks.

Thanks for the comments.

Man, I feel like ****. This is not how I thought I would be spending my time, dealing with this situation.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Hiroshima,
Your relationship is in deep Pooh,pooh....The games suggested by others could work,but as you have allowed things to deteriorate to such a serious level,I suggest first you seek legal advice to see where you stand,then confront her....If you can get the two of them together all the better,maybe turn up at one of their recitals....Maybe say in a calm manner,look you seem to be enjoying my Wife more than me without having to do any of the hard yards,Thats not fair by your standards,where does he want to take it? My experience of Musos is that they are rather flakey,his refusal to talk might give her a reality shock too....As this continues they will become more and more confident until she feels ready to strike out on her own terms.remember she is living in a Dream World,created in her own imagination....I think I could have saved my last marriage when my Wife got involved with other Women,if only I had put my foot down....Still there is always something missing when they go after outside stimulation,a good Counsellor might be able to help....Don't be like a Friend of mine.He went to a Counsellor,"Take up a Hobby together"said this Oracle.So they started Ball Room Dancing,she ended up running off with her Instructor....Like a Forest Fire really.When fuel levels build up,if the Temperature and Humidity are right and the Wind comes from the right quarter,then it will often happen with all our vigilance.

 

[sodbuster]

She needs to KNOW you can find another one tomorrow! flirt with women in front of her and let her jealousy rage.Either she'll shape up or she'll leave[in the meantime,you've gotten your game back and CAN replace her. NEVER go to a marriage counselor-she won't change because of it.The counselor will cost you time and money,but no changes in behavior if wifey wont listen.

Read screw the B1tch-forgot the author but palladin press priints it. BUT get a credit card in your name only[to your office?],stash some cash[I had 17K],get copies of pictures you really want to keep,start closing joint cards[so she can't run up bills you get to pay],DON'T buy her a new vehicle[you'll get to pay for it],Start a family limited partnership in your name[no one can get money out of it but you]etc.

 

[heroshima]

Thanks for the tips everybody. I'm realizing how deep in **** I am. Even if I can recover this situation, damage has been done and will continue either way.

I applied some of the techniques that I've read about and they have paid off. I have been way too nice for too long. That's done with.