Potential life changing decision. Need your counsel my friends. Serious.

[EastWind]

Keep in mind that the kid is only 9 years old. The worst - puberty - has yet to come. The fact that he's a grade A student at age 9 says very little about how he will fare once he gets flooded with testosterone. Granted, your influence will probably be much better than the one he'd otherwise be subject to... but he has been raised in a complicated household, and how those experiences will push through when he is going through puberty...

I'm too young to really give out advice here, but it seems like a good idea not to adopt him straight away... on the one hand it would really make you commit to him if you did. On the other hand, it would really make you commit to him if you did...............

 

[Rubirosa]

Before jumping all the way in, I would just spend as much time as I could with him and try and give him as much Man training as you can. I know a young man who is in almost the exact same situation as you described...He is 14 and lives with his grandparents. Mom is an addict who has 3 different kids with jailhouse daddies, including a newborn that was months premature....This 14 year old kid is hyperactive and probably wears his grandparents down....
I don't know.....To me, the mom of your little guy needs to take her head out of her a$$. I believe that it's never too late to improve oneself. The kid is hers. The golden years should be a time of rest and enjoying the finer things....not being a parent to a young one all over again.
Whatever you do, I admire your good heart

 

[5string]

vatoloco and others, thank you.

Appreciate the opinions. iqqi, you as well. That's one of the reasons why I have hung around this forum for so long. You are all so honest!

He came over this weekend. Everything went well until he didnt lift up the seat in the bathroom. I very calmly let him have it and told him grandma does not want to sit in your pee. Plus, you wash your hands after using the restroom, every time! He just needs some direction.

Getting to the point, a decision has been made. We'll set aside a month in the summer. He'll be given two weeks. Then he will be given two more if he asks for it, assuming me n Mrs.5string agree.

You know, this sh!t just tugs at my heartstrings. The little sh!t was wearing some thin hoodie and when asked, he told me he didnt have a winter coat. I got him one after we left the shooting range and he was thrilled. He put it back on the first thing Sun morning when I woke him up for breakfast.

I hear you other guys. We would be giving up a great deal if we were to take him on, especially at our age. My life is absolutely perfect as it is right now. I'll play it by ear.

vatoloco.....you are one of the best dj's on here. I would never give you bad rep. I promise to keep you all posted on this.

 

[SecondHalf]

Getting to the point, a decision has been made. We'll set aside a month in the summer. He'll be given two weeks. Then he will be given two more if he asks for it, assuming me n Mrs.5string agree.

Understand 5String, that regardless of the deal you make, or the show he puts on in the summer, teenaged years are tough for all boys, especially one who has seen and felt some nasty sh1t.
There will be challenges and disappointments but also rewards.

Think very carefully on it. There is no divorce lawyer. This is a significant commitment and one that you can't back out of for that would do more damage still to the boy (he'll never trust again).

I wouldn't base my decision on any of these things.
Personally, I would take him in a heartbeat because it's the right thing to do. Have to help out the little people!

You have few opportunities in life to make such a difference ....

SH

 

[5string]

Understand 5String, that regardless of the deal you make, or the show he puts on in the summer, teenaged years are tough for all boys, especially one who has seen and felt some nasty sh1t.
There will be challenges and disappointments but also rewards.

Think very carefully on it. There is no divorce lawyer. This is a significant commitment and one that you can't back out of for that would do more damage still to the boy (he'll never trust again).

I wouldn't base my decision on any of these things.
Personally, I would take him in a heartbeat because it's the right thing to do. Have to help out the little people!

You have few opportunities in life to make such a difference ....

SH

Hear ya. Thanks.

Keep in mind I raised two stepkids previously so I know the drill.

I thought about adopting Atom Smasher, samspade or maybe even Danger, but had to rule them out because of their extensive criminal records.

 

[SecondHalf]

Hear ya. Thanks.

Keep in mind I raised two stepkids previously so I know the drill.

I thought about adopting Atom Smasher, samspade or maybe even Danger, but had to rule them out because of their extensive criminal records.

That made me laugh out loud!

 

[DJDamage]

Have you thought about the other two kids?! what happens if they see that the one kid is getting a better life and they want to jump on board too?! what about dealing with the kid's mother and her husband on a more frequent basis as a result of this arrangment?!

 

[5string]

Have you thought about the other two kids?! what happens if they see that the one kid is getting a better life and they want to jump on board too?! what about dealing with the kid's mother and her husband on a more frequent basis as a result of this arrangment?!

DJDamage

Yes. We have discussed this. The oldest will be turning 16 soon so it would have less of an effect on him. The 7 yr old is a girl who constantly harrasses the little guy. We don't think it would do her any damage.

The parents can be dealt with.

One thing for sure is that I know we couldn't handle all three. About one week of that and I'd have to be committed to the frisbee farm.

 

[bullethead]

I think you already made you decision. you know what the right thing to do is

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear 5String,
Your Happy little ship is sailing along quite happily,not a care in the World when out of nowhere you are thrown on the horns of a dilemma,steer your little ship one way and you are in a Whirlpool,the other way a treacherous patch of uncharted reefs....
Your shipmates are divided on how they want you to navigate,in general they betray their temperaments and backgrounds,and what an interesting crew they are!!!....5 String in this affair YOU should not be seen as dictating the agenda...
I ask whose problem is this?..... The Kids?...No he is pretty helpless and probably motivated by factors beyond your appreciation...Yours?not really....Certainly,you have the facilities to help this boy and it is your hand on the helm....But I urge caution...
The problem is fairly and squarely your wives,he is her kin,and basically it is his and her wishes you must bend to....The accountability (Most important) must clearly be seen,as down to them...
Mum used to have a saying,"Apples don't fall far from the tree", meaning that your personality is very much shaped by the genetic background and environmental factors you inherit from your parents...Make no mistake,this young guys personality and future directions are pretty much shaped if not fired.....So as the wiser counsel seems to agree,just like any relationship,and this can be seen as being similar to a Marriage, the slower you move into it the better,seeing him on a regular basis in your own Household enables all three of you to make a better informed and more balanced judgement....But again,for the futures sake this is best not seen as your decision.
One thing I have learned to share with Napoleon,unless decisions are life threatening then let them sit for a while,in most cases after a month or so they decide themselves,in many cases the course of action becomes obvious,so don't be rushed into anything...fools rush in where Angels fear to tread.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Iqqi,
What a great post!....It has helped be to better understand a most interesting even intriguing Lady....I promise to be nicer in future.

 

[vatoloco]

"By all accounts TJ is a fairly quiet and good kid. His grades are pretty impressive..."

"...between 1995 and 1997 [Note from me: when the boy was around 1-3], the boy's father and mother... were each charged with domestic violence against each other. The father was later charged with assaulting a police officer and served time in prison after trying to suffocate another woman he married several years after his son was born..."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/28/tj-lane-chardon-high-school-suspect_n_1306511.html

Not trying to be a dick but I just wanna put this out there as food for thought.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Vatoloco you're talking about worse case scenario. I highly doubt a kid who wants a better life who's not reclusive, wants love, and would get the love and attention he needs would do something like that.

 

[vatoloco]

Vatoloco you're talking about worse case scenario. I highly doubt a kid who wants a better life who's not reclusive, wants love, and would get the love and attention he needs would do something like that.

True. I always like to plan worst-case scenario.

I'm not saying that this kid for sure will turn bad. Only God knows. What I'm saying is that the possibility is real. Psychological damage has been done and exists in the inner-most reaches of his young psyche. How this later manifests itself as he grows up is something that is yet to be seen.

We all have Baggage from childhood. Some of us have less (grew up in healthy families). Some of us have more (we grew up in dysfunctional ones). It's whether we learned/were taught how to deal with it that makes us normal, amicable people or crazy, cold-hearted killers as we grow up...

Or who knows! Maybe the kid will turn out to be mathematical genius.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

5string, that kid was me, 20 years ago.

I think this is probably the strongest case against adopting the kid, but since I can't stand the mental image of a guy your age naked in the kitchen by yourself, let alone with your wife, I say adopt him.

Kidding (well, ok the last half I was), but seriously think of the potential for good you can instill in this guy. I'm adamantly against raising the bastard sprogs of other men, but since you don't know who the father is anyway it kind of dilutes the venom.

OK, so you adopt him, but here's the catch, everyone on SoSuave will be his de facto parents. We'll all help you make the parental and positively masculine decisions for him as he grows up. It's like we'll all be his fathers – except for IQQI, she can be the crazy aunt with a lot of cats that no one listens to when she babbles.

He would be son of SoSuave! Ambassador of positive masculinity and herald of a new generation.

Who's with me?!!

 

[window]

yes easy decision, take him in...you will have a blast and it will add another dimension to your already good life.

 

[davewe]

The knee jerk reaction (and certainly my knees jerked when I read your original post) is to take the lad and raise him up right. But as an ex-step parent, the one real caveat I have is - you're not his grandfather. The first time there is a problem the mother will tell you, "You aren't his grandfather." Even the kid may say this once he is a teenager. And if you and your wife ever divorce (and taking this child gives one more stressor to your marriage) your relationship to him will likely end. This would be true regardless of whether you love him and how hard you worked to care for him.

I'm not saying don't do it but just to realize that millions of men have loved and lost children because they weren't the "real" parents or grandparents.

 

[Romjuan]

5string,

Its been a while since Ive been on here, since Jophils passing. Anyhow, I didnt read the replies so I may be repeating what others have said but I think you have to take him in for a number of reasons. The source of your happiness right now, is as you mentioned, living comfortablly. Having sex wherever you want, nice house and money to yourself. However, you will have more happiness knowing you are making a HUGE difference in someones life. You have the opportunity to mold someone and teach them to be a better person and teach the wisdom you have. Plus having someone younger in your life again will make you feel young again as well. ANother male to shoot the **** with and hang out with regularly. Either way, I wish you the best.

 

[scrouds]

Are you bored? Would this be more rewarding then say building a boat?

Lets face cold hard facts. No matter how you cut it, he wants to use you. there's not other way to cut it. But like my supermarket uses me to buy their stuff, if we both benefit, then its a good deal.

The question that first comes to mind is pretty simple: is the kid going to play you? I sure don't know, and I don't think you really know either. A summer trial run sounds like the best idea out there. So could talking to teachers and otherwise checking up on him best you can. Then once you're satisfied he's not playing you, is there enough meat on the bone for you. Are you going to get out of it more then what you would doing something else? This is going to be really hard to estimate.

 

[5string]

scrouds

Nope. Not bored.

We'll have him for part of the summer and see how things match up. He's not playing us. I do understand his desire to be with us as his current situation at home, well, let's just say it's not very good. And that's being kind.