Potential life changing decision. Need your counsel my friends. Serious.

[5string]

Background.

I never had kids of my own. Raised two stepkids in my first marriage. Turned out great. Put them through college and all that stuff. I am now married for the second and last time. I'm very happy. Great job, lotsa money, nice nest egg and over 50. Life is as good as it get's. Beautiful home.

My current wife had a daughter early in life. Daughter got involved with drugs, now on welfare and her 3 kids by 3 different baby daddies are all on medicaid and public assistance. ABUSIVE DYSFUNCTIONAL HOUSEHOLD. Daughters husband is a certified psychopath to say the least. Extensive criminal record. Beats the sh!t out of the daughter. Cheats on her.

Here is the deal. The middle child wants to come and live with us. He wants out bad. He's 9 and loves his grandma and grandpa. He's had no male figure in his life and desperately wants it. He's a really good kid and I think the world of him. The daughter does not even know who his father is for heavens sake.

Here I sit faced with a decision I must make. I am asking my friends on here for your counsel. What should I do? What would you do?

The choices are that I go on with life as it is now. I can have sex with Mrs.5string in the kitchen and think nothing of it. Our privacy would be limited as well as our traveling. I'll be helping with calculus homework and such, going to hockey games, etc.

The upside is that I have a chance to really make a difference in the life of a young man. I know he would thrive with us. On the other hand, I ain't no spring chicken any longer and am enjoying everything in life right now to it's fullest.

I have to admit though, I have no family other than Ms.5string. It would be nice to have the son I never had. Someone to leave my estate to. That of course is no reason to adopt him in and of itself.

My friends, I'm torn up about this. On one hand I want to take him. On the other, I realize I'm not his father and he's not my responsibility.

He's coming over tonight for a sleep over. I'm looking forward to it. We'll have a nice dinner tonight and he either wants to go shooting tomorrow or fishin'.

Speaking of dinner, his mom and the psycho have been feeding him those raaman noodles. They are very poor and desperate.

Fellas, I need your insight here. For once, I'm reaching out to all of you.

 

[backbreaker]

i would not hesitate to let him come live with me.

the kid realizes he has a ****ty setup and wants to change it. and pl;us that's kinda what you buy into when you are dealing with a woman who has had kids in the past.

do it.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

That is a tough decision bro.

But it all comes down to what YOU want.

If he stays in that dysfunctional household, he will likely end up just like the psycho that is playing the role of "dad" right now. He will seek out dysfunctional women, likely abuse drugs & alcohol and end up in the same vicious circle.

If you bring him in, your def sacrificing a lot of your privacy and any spontaneous things you might have done with the Mrs.

However your also giving someone a new lease on life, a chance to grow and develop into a well grounded man.

I love kids, so you probably know what my answer would be if I were at your stage and in your shoes.

But ultimately I would say go with the decision that makes you happiest; don't do anything because you think its the right thing to do. Because ultimately we should always look out for ourselves #1 and everyone else second.


Good luck bro, let us know what you decide.








PIMP

 

[samspade]

Wow, 5string. That is a tough one. I would say that the biggest factor in your decision is that the child is asking you for help. Somehow he knows he lives in a toxic environment and needs a change. That says something right there - it's not the same as you swooping in and trying to fix some kids without their wanting it.

Not to put too big a point on it, but history is littered with characters who escaped broken homes and were given a better chance. Perhaps this 9 year old sees the fork in the road, or perhaps he just wants something besides Ramen noodles. I think it's hard to turn away an earnest call for help.

You aren't a bad person if you decide not to do it, however. And of course there are other ways to help this child.

Also, keep in mind that if you do take him in, his problems won't be instantly solved. His demons aren't going to go away. (I think you realize this, though.) You might both feel better at first, but there will be tough days when you will question what you were thinking; so will he.

Either way, you will both adapt....I can't tell you the right answer here, just trying to elucidate a little bit. Good luck bro.

SS

 

[5string]

Thanks guys.

I have to admit, I'm leaning toward taking him. And for the record, Mrs.5string is just as torn up about this as I am.

I have been a father before to two kids who were not mine. I absolutely know what I'm up against here.

I almost look at this as a challenge of sorts. To really give him a new lease on life as pimp says.

It could be very rewarding for all of us in the long run.

 

[grayclif]

5String,

I would adopt him. I'm certain you would never look upon this boy the same way if you didn't. You would feel regret every time you thought about him.

Your freedom will be impacted greatly but you will adjust. Make sure you set up a great support system like babysitters or maybe a housekeeper etc. cause I know you and Mrs. 5String like to travel.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

 

[5string]

Danger

Thank you. Interesting that you say that. The wife and I actually discussed taking him for the summer when schools out to see how things go.

He's a straight A kid at school and alot of fun. Thing is, he thinks psycho chump boy is his daddy and he's not. The daughter admitted to my wife that she does not know for sure who the father is. The whole thing is FUBAR brother.

I hate to make the analogy, but ever heard of a dog who's owner abuses it, yet the dog comes back, wags his tail and licks his owners hand after the abuse? Kids can be like that. It's all they know. Yet somehow, this boy knows he's in a rough spot and wants out. There are many choices here but few workable solutions other than getting him the F out and giving him a normal environment in which to live.

 

[DMSR76]

I like the summer 'trial-run' idea. The kid sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders in spite of what he has to deal with at home. That's commendable. Two and a half to three months of living under the same roof should go a long way towards indicating whether you and your wife are up for the task.

Hopefully this will work out well for all parties involved.

 

[davewe]

I am 59 and have two kids and home with me (no wife): 12 and 16. So don't worry about not being a 'spring chicken". You can do it if you decide to.

If he is 9, in a couple years you will be able to leave him home alone at least a little bit, which will give you back some of your freedom. And then before you know it he will be at friends' houses for sleepovers and you will again be able to do the wife in the kitchen

 

[backbreaker]

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_...hool-had-parents-with-drug-violence-problems/


come on 5string. help the kid out

 

[5string]

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_...hool-had-parents-with-drug-violence-problems/


come on 5string. help the kid out

Geez! My "grandson's" parents are worse than that kid's.

For those interested, I'm gonna suggest to Mrs.5string that we take him for the summer to see if we are a match. I'm sure she will agree to it.

backbreaker.....All of my high caliber weapons are secured in a large gun safe back at the ranch. Safety first brother!

 

[disgustipated]

Make sure if you decide to take him full time that the Mrs. is 100 % with you on it....if you value her that much.

My brother did a similiar thing with my sister's kids who were temporarily taken away from her. He was planning to take them so they were put into the system but after a few visits from social workers they made it seem like there might have been a possibility that he had to have them until they were 18. He was still on board, his wife was not. Arguments ensued and led to a divorce after 17 years of marriage.

In the end the kids got placed back with my sister who never felt a damn bit of guilt over my brother extending himself so far that it broke up his marriage. I guess she felt entitled to that kind of courtesy.

Also through conversations with my brother he says if he known ahead of time that taking the kids would end his marriage that he would not have done it. If you value your relationship make sure you know she understands the extent of your commitment to this young man, and if she has any misgivings to speak up now.

I don't know if you're the type of guy that would do this with or without the Mrs. though. If you would I guess it doesn't matter what she feels in the long run.

Good luck! It's a hell of a thing to do! I've got close friends who were the benefactors of someone doing this for them, they turned out to be great human beings.

 

[5string]

Make sure if you decide to take him full time that the Mrs. is 100 % with you on it....if you value her that much.

My brother did a similiar thing with my sister's kids who were temporarily taken away from her. He was planning to take them so they were put into the system but after a few visits from social workers they made it seem like there might have been a possibility that he had to have them until they were 18. He was still on board, his wife was not. Arguments ensued and led to a divorce after 17 years of marriage.

In the end the kids got placed back with my sister who never felt a damn bit of guilt over my brother extending himself so far that it broke up his marriage. I guess she felt entitled to that kind of courtesy.

Also through conversations with my brother he says if he known ahead of time that taking the kids would end his marriage that he would not have done it. If you value your relationship make sure you know she understands the extent of your commitment to this young man, and if she has any misgivings to speak up now.

I don't know if you're the type of guy that would do this with or without the Mrs. though. If you would I guess it doesn't matter what she feels in the long run.

Good luck! It's a hell of a thing to do! I've got close friends who were the benefactors of someone doing this for them, they turned out to be great human beings.

Thanks. Sound advice.

Remember though. This is Mrs.5strings grandson, not mine. To me, it really doesn't matter. She loves him dearly and he and I get along great. Sometimes I'm a bit hard on him and such, and he really seems to eat it up when I tell him to take a shower/wash his hair, pick up after himself, don't interrupt, etc. He seems to actually desire direction from an adult, especially a male.

Know that I would never do this unless the wife was on board 100%. That goes for me as well.

No Ramen noodles for him tonight. I'm taking him out to dinner to his favorite place, but not before he takes a shower (if he needs it) and cleans up the spare room.

 

[Bible_Belt]

The big decision is the signing over of legal rights by his mom and whether or not you want to take it that far. Mom needs to be cooperative, because if she still has rights, she can take the child back at any time. There's no such thing as "grandparents' rights." She can wait until you've bonded, take the kid back, and then extort you into paying her to see him, and all of that is not exactly illegal. Be careful before you get too attached to a child that is not legally yours.

 

[backbreaker]

don't know why ou hating on ramen noodels lol. crush some cheese doritos with them and some crackers, put it all in the microwave or some hot water, got you a good ole fashioned jail house spread lol. i actually still eat these from time to time. damn good and quite filling

 

[5string]

The big decision is the signing over of legal rights by his mom and whether or not you want to take it that far. Mom needs to be cooperative, because if she still has rights, she can take the child back at any time. There's no such thing as "grandparents' rights." She can wait until you've bonded, take the kid back, and then extort you into paying her to see him, and all of that is not exactly illegal. Be careful before you get too attached to a child that is not legally yours.

Oh, you can count on it brother. His mommy is the only thing that could derail this. Who knows, she just might.

 

[Colossus]

Also, keep in mind that if you do take him in, his problems won't be instantly solved. His demons aren't going to go away. (I think you realize this, though.) You might both feel better at first, but there will be tough days when you will question what you were thinking; so will he.

I think you realize this too but it bears repeating.

Taking on a messed-up kid in your 50's is a heavy proposition. No doubt there has been a lot of damage done, but you also have a chance to help him spend the latter half of his childhood growing up right.

I really can't tell you one way or the other. It would certainly change your lifestyle. It may bring a new level of fulfillment to you taking responsibility for him, or it may bring LOTS of headaches. Probably a bit of both.

I think Danger has a good idea in a "trial run". Have him over for the summer, see how it feels for both of you. You are right that he isnt your responsibility, but you are also in a unique position to help him.

 

[DonJuanabe]

You're talking about a nine year old who has the maturity to recognize a bad situation and take action about it. That's the kind of emotional strength that is found in people who succeed and accomplish great things in life.

So you won't be able to hump your wife in every room - big deal. Five years from now he'll be able to help you with all sorts of physical activities and work that you will find is becoming tougher and tougher for you, and you'll find that you really enjoy guiding a good kid -- someone you'll consider a great friend.

If I were you I would adopt the kid but first sit down and talk about it. Make sure he knows that you have expectations he has to meet: As and Bs for grades, helping with chores, being a stand-up person, get into sports, etc. He has an opportunity to improve his life and you expect him to do so not just through his living situation but also through how he acts and what he does.

 

[vatoloco]

I haven't read the other replies but downrep me if you must. I'm gonna give you my honest, brutal opinion.

Don't do it.

The kid is Damaged Goods. He grew up in a dysfunctional family and the psychological damage to his young mind is done. Probabilities are high that he will turn bad when he grows up, perhaps endangering your future well-being. Do you at, let's say, 60/70 wanna be dealing with the shenanigans of a potentially wild young man?

My recommendation is that if you really want to be a dad figure for a kid, adopt a baby to raise "from scratch." Or if you really, really want to take on the kid, never EVER adopt. Once you adopt, you're on the hook 'til he's 18 (and I would imagine you wanna live your older years in peace).

Like I said, downrep if you must but that's my honest opinion. Then again, I AM a selfish bastard!

 

[iqqi]

5string, that kid was me, 20 years ago.

I've lived with relatives quite a few times growing up, and there are things that I learned from it. Once or twice, I was the one who requested to live with a relative to get away from the conditions I was being raised in. I do think that what you have to offer this kid is much better than what I was offered (I definitely received some "redheaded stepchild" unfair treatment as my relatives who took me in had their own children.)

In my own situation, the relative who took me in was VERY close to my mother so there was never any official adopting. One year of my life, they were my legal guardian. But whenever my mother got her sh!t together, I'd go back to her.

One time when I was about nine or ten I asked to live with them again. That did not work out because of one simple reason: we were too different.



I did not have rules growing up with my mother. Zilch. Not even a curfew. No structure. My relatives were strict up at 6am types. At this point in my life I already had a very distinct personality, with the ability to reason (I was FIERCE in my reasoning and could kill any adult in a debate at this point), and I couldn't reason away all of their severe rules. I probably sound like a big brat right now, but I was already mature enough from raising myself that I did not appreciate rules that made no sense. What the hell is there to do at 6 or 7 or even 8am in the country on a Saturday that can't wait til 9 or 10am dammit?

I was miserable, so I moved back to my mom's and turned out ok in the end.

My major advice would be this. Treat the kid like a child, but also hear him out. If you have a rule that he doesn't understand, maybe he has a point. Kids definitely have different maturity levels, and if he has been raising himself give him a little bit of respect in some of his habits that he may want to keep that aren't harmful. If you go too hard on him, then you may lose this chance to help him help himself. I really think your home would be the best thing that could ever happen for this young man, you could really make a huge difference here. I actually worry about his other siblings and his poor mother too!

Luckily for me, my mother really DID get her sh!t together for the most part (drug-wise at least), and she had certain personality traits that I feel made me a better person. This kid may or may not have that, so when he comes to stay with you, be welcoming.

Even though my relatives were godsend and completely unselfish in always welcoming me into their homes, I feel they were extremely harsh and in some ways they were also very unfair (seriously though on some Disney evil stepmom crap). When I was old enough to reason and understand, I was not able live that way. I actually preferred the squalor and dysfunction I was used to because at that point I was addicted to my freedom.

On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.