Need to make a marriage decision ASAP! or I lose my girl

[samspade]

Problem is I want to have the marriage to come home to, but I am also attracted to having superficial sex with hot girls I see out everyday....

1 minute I feel 1 way, the next I feel the other. I know superficial sex won't enhance my life like starting a family would. I still crave it......
See how frustrated I am in?

This is coming from someone in a very happy marriage whose wife treats him like a king.

Having the marriage to come home to is overrated. It sounds great. And again - I am very happy with what I come home to and how I'm treated. But if you're pining for that single guy's life, think it over.

Because you're not just coming home to a well-cooked meal and easy sex. It's not just a foot rub and a clean bathroom. Those are the good things if you have a good wife.

You're coming home to "how was your day?" every single day. And "can I talk to you about something" when it's 4th and 10 with :36 to play. And "don't forget to call" if you decide to go out with your buddies. And "is it all right if we visit my parents this weekend" when you just wanted to park your bottom on the couch, have a few cold ones, watch Goodfellas for the three thousandth time, and maybe indulge in a bad frozen pizza and a quiet jerk off.

I'm not trying to sound like one of those "marriage is hell" guys. It's not if you do it right. But these are the little things you will give up. Personally I think they're more important than the "big" sacrifices. Of course you're going to visit in-laws and drive kids to school and stuff if you're a good family man. And yeah the scary specter of the cost of divorce is a never-ending discussion around here. But day to day, the little sacrifices are what will add up for you and make you wonder. You'll walk down the street and see a bar filled with tail and think "I could probably get that." Sure a lot of it is fantasy but when you're single, you just waltz on in and talk to a lady. Nobody calls to check in on you and ask who you're with.

For me, these sacrifices are fine because my wife sexes me like a porn star and is happy to keep a clean house and serve a happy husband. We have a great time and our ships sail in the same direction. Very few disagreements and no fights. Sometimes I see the grass as greener, sometimes not. But I will admit I was also a very happy man when I was single and living alone. Some nights I'd smoke a J/have some beers and watch flicks and not care if a woman was around. Other nights I'd go out alone and hound for poon. That's the kind of stuff you say goodbye to in marriage, and like I said it means more than any divorce settlement in my opinion. So the woman you're marrying better be worth it. Just some food for thought.

 

[SharinganUser]

Kick her to the curb.

 

[Reyaj]

This is coming from someone in a very happy marriage whose wife treats him like a king.

Having the marriage to come home to is overrated. It sounds great. And again - I am very happy with what I come home to and how I'm treated. But if you're pining for that single guy's life, think it over.

Because you're not just coming home to a well-cooked meal and easy sex. It's not just a foot rub and a clean bathroom. Those are the good things if you have a good wife.

You're coming home to "how was your day?" every single day. And "can I talk to you about something" when it's 4th and 10 with :36 to play. And "don't forget to call" if you decide to go out with your buddies. And "is it all right if we visit my parents this weekend" when you just wanted to park your bottom on the couch, have a few cold ones, watch Goodfellas for the three thousandth time, and maybe indulge in a bad frozen pizza and a quiet jerk off.

I'm not trying to sound like one of those "marriage is hell" guys. It's not if you do it right. But these are the little things you will give up. Personally I think they're more important than the "big" sacrifices. Of course you're going to visit in-laws and drive kids to school and stuff if you're a good family man. And yeah the scary specter of the cost of divorce is a never-ending discussion around here. But day to day, the little sacrifices are what will add up for you and make you wonder. You'll walk down the street and see a bar filled with tail and think "I could probably get that." Sure a lot of it is fantasy but when you're single, you just waltz on in and talk to a lady. Nobody calls to check in on you and ask who you're with.

For me, these sacrifices are fine because my wife sexes me like a porn star and is happy to keep a clean house and serve a happy husband. We have a great time and our ships sail in the same direction. Very few disagreements and no fights. Sometimes I see the grass as greener, sometimes not. But I will admit I was also a very happy man when I was single and living alone. Some nights I'd smoke a J/have some beers and watch flicks and not care if a woman was around. Other nights I'd go out alone and hound for poon. That's the kind of stuff you say goodbye to in marriage, and like I said it means more than any divorce settlement in my opinion. So the woman you're marrying better be worth it. Just some food for thought.

This is a great post Samspade... A lot if it hits home for me... Yesterday for example when she was over I had to divert my attention from the NBA finals to talk to her etc.....

Thats a big part of this too... I love my life like it is now.... I want to have my cake and eat it too... All the things I take for granted being a bachelor I will appreciate when I am married... and it will be too late.

I very much am into seduction of other women too.... maybe to the point where I have a problem Tiger Woods style.. though I'd like to believe that a man wanting to have sex and being attracted to different women is normal....

The thing is I objectively know that getting the occasional poon from another chick doesn't enhance my life... but its a sordid drive I have... I feel manly being able to game a chick so that I get her panties off... Still I wouldn't want to LTR her... these are girls I just want to have a physical relationship with you know?

So if I get married I can't live this lifestyle.... or maybe I can but it would bother me that I am disrespecting my marriage...

Everyday is a constant state of confusion for me... I hate to admit it but its the truth.

Honestly the best I have come up with (in that I feel calm and in control) is cultivating a marriage life but cheating when it suits me..

For those of you who instinctvly say to leave her.... I believe I am the problem here. What will leaving her do for my life? What's to say I won't LTR another girl and still want to have sex with other women....

Are you trying to say if I meet the right girl I won't have this drive anymore? What if that never happens? What I am just flawed and incapable of settling down? I do want a family and children in my life. I just want to have the occasional affair.... at least I admit this damnit.....

You can see how many girls I've met throughout the years, I am no rookie

 

[samspade]

I very much am into seduction of other women too.... maybe to the point where I have a problem Tiger Woods style.. though I'd like to believe that a man wanting to have sex and being attracted to different women is normal....

The only problem Tiger Woods had was being married. There is nothing sordid about wanting to have sex with different women. He didn't have a sexual "addiction" and he didn't need a shrink. Neither do you. You're a man, you want sex, and you want variety. It's really sad that in our society we've arrived at this default judgment of men as perverts or worse when they are honest with themselves about what they want. Self-honesty is a difficult thing to achieve. Trust me you will be judged far worse if you marry and cheat, or marry and lose frame and become miserable. Some people may call a DJ a "womanizer," but at least he can claim he's being honest and not cheating on anyone.

 

[samspade]

I just have to add, you don't need to be so brutally honest with your woman if you decide to leave her of course. "I want to bang dozens of different broads" is not the kindest way to let someone down. But you can say "I don't think marriage is the right path for me right now, and I'd be doing you a disservice if we married." You may break her heart now but that's better than living a lie.

 

[HariPoter13]

Perhaps we should consult the "University of Man" and ask his opinion in the link below.....

http://tinyurl.com/7w8trsb

Full link here (but you must substitute the *'s with the proper spelling of wh0re to make it work)......http://www.theuniversityofman.com/blog/2012/5/21/the-art-of-*****-why-betas-marry-leftovers.html

That guy is jaded as hell. He reeks of hatred.

 

[5string]

My question is this:

If you married her, do you think you would cheat? If so, don't do it. Let her go.

 

[zekko]

I didn't even read your entire post. Never let a girl give you an ultimatum. NEVER. If she is willing to leave you because you won't marry her then whatelse would she be willing to leave you over?

I agree with this. She's threatening to leave you in the same sentence as her "proposal". This is a divorce waiting to happen.

If her interest level in you was sufficient enough, she would stay with you under whatever circumstances you could provide. For instance, my girlfriend knew I had been through a recent divorce and was not going to be marrying anyone in the near future, so she was happy to cohabitate. Which was my suggestion - I don't think she even expected that much from me, honestly.

 

[Reyaj]

I agree with this. She's threatening to leave you in the same sentence as her "proposal". This is a divorce waiting to happen.

If her interest level in you was sufficient enough, she would stay with you under whatever circumstances you could provide. For instance, my girlfriend knew I had been through a recent divorce and was not going to be marrying anyone in the near future, so she was happy to cohabitate. Which was my suggestion - I don't think she even expected that much from me, honestly.

Did you read my additional clarification on that? I have been dragging it out 4 years... doesn't she have a right to know if she should move on or not?

And how about I do get married and I do cheat... So fF*DF* what? I'd bet over half the men in successful marriages do it.

I can separate superficial sex from companionship... I haven't got caught yet...

 

[samspade]

Did you read my additional clarification on that? I have been dragging it out 4 years... doesn't she have a right to know if she should move on or not?

And how about I do get married and I do cheat... So fF*DF* what? I'd bet over half the men in successful marriages do it.

I can separate superficial sex from companionship... I haven't got caught yet...

You're missing the point.

If she loves you she won't be in such a hurry to move on just because you won't sign a piece of paper.

Besides, you say you've been dragging it out for four years. So your relationship is just her asking and you stonewalling? If that's it then you should move on. Usually relationships aren't measure in terms of how long one person has been waiting for the other to bend to her demands.

And maybe you can separate sex from companionship, but your wife may have a hard time doing the same if she ever does find out.

What you really need to consider is your fear of being alone and your fear of hurting her now by ending it.

 

[Iceberg]

Did you read my additional clarification on that? I have been dragging it out 4 years... doesn't she have a right to know if she should move on or not?

Unless you guys are breaking up/getting back together every other day, then why does she need a title to confirm your love?

A girl who really wants to be with you will stick around regardless of what you call yourselves. If she needs to wait for you to feel comfortable with the idea of marriage, then she'll wait. Only the worst of the worst try to force marriage upon you.

And how about I do get married and I do cheat... So fF*DF* what? I'd bet over half the men in successful marriages do it.

I can separate superficial sex from companionship... I haven't got caught yet...

Well, here's the thing - if you have all the answers, then stop replying to this thread and let it die. Go make your decisions and live with them, rather than trying to refute every piece of advice that people are giving you.

Cheat. Don't cheat. Marry. Don't marry. It's all good to me.

But at the end of the day, whether you were a stranger on the internet or a lifelong friend, I'd advise against you marrying this woman.

Any excuses you wanna make to keep her....hey, that's your thing, pal. Best of luck.

 

[Burroughs]

Reyaj is your girl Indian?...the rapid weight gain and pressure to get married at 30 was a tip off.

Regardless man..you are clearly in no position to get married, this will not end well if you go against your true feelings.

 

[AW1983]

samspade I repped you for your description of married life above, it's spot on, and a lot of it applies to cohabitating LTR's too.

It's a trade-off guys: marry a hottie who loves sex and is in great shape, who you can have a laugh with. Also realize that you will deal with more of her bs occasionally than you might have tolerated when you were uber-DJ single guy. Consistent sex and someone who's always got your back vs petty female bs at times and very limited variety. None of us is going to be young forever...what do you want out of life? That's all it boils down to.

A girl who really wants to be with you will stick around regardless of what you call yourselves. If she needs to wait for you to feel comfortable with the idea of marriage, then she'll wait. Only the worst of the worst try to force marriage upon you.

Sorry but I see this type of stuff posted here a lot and I agree...TO A POINT. A high SMV woman (hot, loves sex, good shape, above-average personality) in her middle to late twenties is not a 18 year old that still thinks she'll live forever and will (or should) wait around a decade for you because you're such a badass alpha. The smart and worthwhile ones know their value and it's going to get to a point where they need to know that at some point you're going to help them with their main biological purpose on the planet (having children) or else they have to move on.

If said worthy-and-hot girl hasn't spent her whole life riding the c0ck carousel and is expecting to get married at some point for all she's bringing to the table and contributing to YOUR life, then that's totally reasonable honestly. Now it doesn't mean you HAVE to marry her. Just that it's only reasonable for the smart ones to desire this after YEARS dedicated to you in an LTR. As enlightened DJ's we have to be able to see and comprehend both sides of the coin, right?

 

[Desdinova]

Did you read my additional clarification on that? I have been dragging it out 4 years... doesn't she have a right to know if she should move on or not?

Marriage has nothing to do with the relationship. Marriage is a legal contract. A relationship consists (or should consist) of commitment, trust, respect, honesty, and sex. A marriage contract doesn't add to what really makes the relationship. After you sign the contract, you have the exact same things that made the relationship what it is. All the marriage contract does is make a breakup expensive and complicated. If you NEED your relationship to be based on making it complicated and expensive to break up, you've got a 5hit load of problems. If your relationship has consisted of 'dragging it out' until marriage, then that's a problem in itself.

Marriage is not for you - at least not with this woman. You've fvcked around on her and you've been 'dragging it out'. That doesn't sound like love. It sounds like she's got you by the ba11s and it's making you miserable. You fvck around so you can tolerate keeping her around because you're too pu55y to leave her ass and live solo.

 

[Burroughs]

It's a trade-off guys: marry a hottie who loves sex and is in great shape, who you can have a laugh with. Also realize that you will deal with more of her bs occasionally than you might have tolerated when you were uber-DJ single guy. Consistent sex and someone who's always got your back vs petty female bs at times and very limited variety. None of us is going to be young forever...what do you want out of life? That's all it boils down to.

thats the hard part

its not hard to find hot, fun girls.....but rarely do they truly have your back.....they may appear to for their own motives...but the hot ones look out for themselves.

the girls who have your back....usually hb 5.5 and lower....so thats a non starter

if you find a girl thats both...hold onto her like grim death.

most men who have hot wives THINK their wives have their back...but they don't..it only takes a bump in the road to figure that out...

 

[scrouds]

I've thought long and hard about this, and I've come to a simple working idea. Tell her you are willing to get married under the eyes of god, but not under the eyes of the state. Then stay the hell out of alabama, colorado, iowa, kansas, montana, oklahoma, rhode island , south carolina, utah and texas.

 

[samspade]

Sorry but I see this type of stuff posted here a lot and I agree...TO A POINT. A high SMV woman (hot, loves sex, good shape, above-average personality) in her middle to late twenties is not a 18 year old that still thinks she'll live forever and will (or should) wait around a decade for you because you're such a badass alpha. The smart and worthwhile ones know their value and it's going to get to a point where they need to know that at some point you're going to help them with their main biological purpose on the planet (having children) or else they have to move on.

Well said. It is a oft-repeated trope here that "a woman who loves you will wait for you." Of course, a woman who really wants to have children, with or without you, and wants to do that within the framework of a solid marriage (which I respect), will fish or cut bait at some point. I can't blame a woman for making child-rearing a priority any more than I can blame a man for making the DJ lifestyle a priority. Those are triggers that were put in place long ago.

This is what many men struggle with. I don't think a man can ever truly comprehend the pull to have children the way a woman feels it. Just like a woman could never understand how often a man things about sex. So when a woman delivers an "ultimatum," of course we all say "let her walk." Why? It's simple. You wouldn't come here struggling over the decision if you were good and ready to marry this woman and start a family with her.

It's unfortunate that women think they have to play hardball over this. All she really needs to say is "these are my goals, are we on the same page?" But remember - women can be just as AFC as men. She probably knows she has a good partner and doesn't want to lose him and start over. What you end up with is two people who fear starting over, but with two different sets of personal goals. Either something will give (one will walk away), or a mistake will be made because one will give in to the other and betray what he/she truly wants. Unhappiness ensues.

 

[Reyaj]

Well said. It is a oft-repeated trope here that "a woman who loves you will wait for you." Of course, a woman who really wants to have children, with or without you, and wants to do that within the framework of a solid marriage (which I respect), will fish or cut bait at some point. I can't blame a woman for making child-rearing a priority any more than I can blame a man for making the DJ lifestyle a priority. Those are triggers that were put in place long ago.

This is what many men struggle with. I don't think a man can ever truly comprehend the pull to have children the way a woman feels it. Just like a woman could never understand how often a man things about sex. So when a woman delivers an "ultimatum," of course we all say "let her walk." Why? It's simple. You wouldn't come here struggling over the decision if you were good and ready to marry this woman and start a family with her.

It's unfortunate that women think they have to play hardball over this. All she really needs to say is "these are my goals, are we on the same page?" But remember - women can be just as AFC as men. She probably knows she has a good partner and doesn't want to lose him and start over. What you end up with is two people who fear starting over, but with two different sets of personal goals. Either something will give (one will walk away), or a mistake will be made because one will give in to the other and betray what he/she truly wants. Unhappiness ensues.

Excellent post Samspade. Regarding your last line though... I want both the family and the dj lifestyle

 

[betheman]

Fellow DJs..... if any of you have read any of my prior threads on this subject, it may be getting old.

It is now do or die time for me to get married. My gf told me that if I don't decide by the end of week to proceed with marriage then she will leave me...

...

that was all I needed to read.
my reply would have been simple, "Im not taking second place to a legal contract, thanks for the memories"

 

[betheman]

So? what happened?