the_untold_history said:
expos why did you get divorced? your idea? her idea? what precipitated you filing? it sounds like you ended the marriage and usually that person comes out fairly strong? this is curious.
THIS WILL BE A LONG, LONG POST.
The beginning:
We worked together in the same office building but different departments. Was called into a meeting in her department and I see this semi-overweight girl with a beautiful face. We locked eyes and couldn't stop staring at each other. For the next couple of weeks, this girl basically stalked me. Always trying to talk to me in cafeteria. Following me out to my car after work. Found me online, emailed me and we exchanged numbers.
First date, Italian restaurant. AMAZING conversation. Never had a connection like that on the first date. Went back to her place afterwards and watched TV. Ended up making out for two hours.
Relationship develops in a way that I lose attraction to her for some reason after 3 weeks of dating. Not sure why. I ask to maybe be friends. Two weeks later I have a change of heart and we start hanging out again. In the two weeks we were apart, she had apparently gotten drunk with a friend because she was upset about me dumping her and made out with some random guy at a bar and didn't tell me about it. I get back together with her not knowing this, only finding out because I was playing with her digital camera and found pics of her making out with this guy.
I promptly dump her again. She bombards me with crying voice mails, emails, texts, fighting like an animal to get me back. I go for No Contact for two weeks and stupidly give her another chance.
She drops a ton of weight while dating me to impress me. She looks INCREDIBLE. After a month of dating, and her constantly wanting to bang me, I finally give in and fvck her.
A year later, I propose and 7 months later we are married.
1. The sex died basically right after the honeymoon. We were married in May 2009, honeymooned in June, and didn't have sex again until August. We bought a house, diamonds, new cars, got a dog, sort of fulfilling all her dreams in the first few months of marriage. Bad move. My wife immediately then puts on all this weight and became depressed. We then went to marriage counseling the following January. Sex became maybe once month. As terrible as this sounds, we maybe had sex 15 times as a married couple. I would try to initiate and she just didn't feel like it...was embarassed of her body and her anti-depressants killed her libido...but I didn't buy it. She did not like to hug me or even kiss me. I once leaned in to kiss her cheek and she literally shuddered.
She was on cymbalta, strattera, lamictal, and I forget. Doesn't matter now.
Our sex life was INCREDIBLE while we were dating. 5 days a week at least and sometimes twice an afternoon on the weekends. I fvcked her silly. We both talked about how we loved to fvck each other.
2. She began hating my hobbies and my friends, even my family. I was a competitive distance/track runner and she hated the time I spent training - even though I scheduled all of my training runs so they didn't conflict with our time together. Running was my only hobby. She thought my most of my friends were "weird" (they are perfectly normal). Would be nice to their faces, but on the car ride home she would trash them to my face. She hated my mother, and thought my brother was a loser (far from it) and was not afraid to tell me these things. I never said an ill word about her family (who loved me, by the way).
3. She had almost no friends or social life outside of me. No hobbies. Her bridesmaids and maid of honor don't even talk to her anymore. Was dependent on me and her mother for happiness.
4. Constant trashing of everything I did. Not making enough money at work. Little things like leaving the air conditioning on during the day when we weren't home. Not putting away dishes correctly. Putting too much detergent in with the clothes. Just dumb stuff that became evening-wrecking issues. I had to constantly walk on eggshells, watch everything I said, and pacify this 28-year old child. I became AFC to save our marriage....as counseling clearly wasn't working.
5. The deal breaker: KIDS. She wanted a kid a year into marriage. All of her friends were having kids and she wanted one too. I put my foot down because she wasn't FVCKING me. She didn't want to do anything to create intimacy. Once I put my foot down about children and demanded more attempts at affection (yes, you need to have sex to have a child) she started to devalue me.
She displayed absolutely no *****iness, weight gain, or lack of sex drive in the two years we dated. Once the ring went on, I got devalued fast.
We had a really bad massive blowup last summer. Really bad. My biggest problem is that I bottle my emotions and release them at once, and I just got sick of her constant bull**** and told her I wanted out. She immediately left the house and sobbed for a one and a half weeks at her parent's house. I stayed at our house and it felt like a massive weight had lifted of my shoulders. I then went into denial and felt unaffected by anything. She came back the house withdrawn and quiet and made no attempts to reconcile. We lived in the house post-separation from March 2012 to late August 2012, co-habitating and being very civil and respectful. She eventually ended up filing (she asked to) and I was fine with it.
When I left the house with my last box of items on September 1, she started sobbing again. I started crying too...and I felt absolutely terrible about leaving her for good. It was completely bizarre and did not feel right AT ALL.
November 2012, divorce day at the courthouse. She is emotionless, cold, and has lost a lot of weight due to stress. NO CONTACT ensues.
I feel absolutely no grief or loss until February 2013, when for whatever reason, I start feeling really strange. Thoughts of her creep into my head and I start to miss her and I have no clue why. I email her regarding taxes...we agree to meet in March.
March 2013 - 5pm. She calls me at work and is very sweet on the phone confirming our meeting time. An hour later I meet her at the tax office and she is dressed in almost knee-high boots, jeans, sexy top and makeup. It is 6pm on weeknight and we both work 9-5 jobs. Clearly overdressed for the occasion and trying to impress. She is texting the entire time and when I ask her ANY QUESTIONS regarding financial stuff she is completely dismissive and looks annoyed by my presence. Just uncalled-for behavior. After our meeting, I stand with her in the parking lot and ask if we can talk for a second and get some closure. She looks annoyed again and we agree to sit in her car and talk for about 10 minutes. I ask her how she is doing and she is giving short, abrupt answers to everything. I ask her some more questions about our marriage and she just shrugs her shoulders. She then begins to tell me the following:
1. I ask her if she moved back in the area (she lived with a friend out of town for a few months). "I do live in the area now but I don't need to tell you where I live."
2. "This is the last time we ever have to meet, I don't need to see you anymore. I moved on."
3. "I am seeing someone now" I ask her if I know him. She looks at me for a long time with a blank stare and says "no." I feel she is lying to me.
4. States that her new slogan is "the universe will unfold exactly how it should". I look at her like she is insane.
I leave her car...and that was the last time I ever saw my wife.
She looked and acted like a complete stranger. I wondered what happened to the girl I walked down the aisle with.
20 days later, and completely hurt and pissed by what she said to me that night, I decide to get closure my way and write her a 5 paragraph good-bye letter. It is not complimentary nor is it mean. I explained the commitment I had to her, how my love never wavered, how I chose not to ever hate her, and said goodbye. I kept it in my possession for a while.
My parents read it and cried. My therapist read it and cried.
I finally mailed it to her work address. No response.
After I mailed it, I fell into this deep depression. Food didn't taste good, I stopped training, I lost 10 pounds. I sucked at my job, but no one noticed thankfully.
Started dating in April and made out with a few girls. No sparks. No excitement. I still have a few that are into me, but I'm trying to fake my happiness.
I recently started missing the good times with my wife as we did have some pretty good memories and companionship. We went through a lot together and I have a considerable amount of emotional investment in her. I love VERY HARD and I don't commit unless I feel it with every fiber of my being. She was THE ONE, or at least I thought. We were a perfect match on paper and when she was her prettiest, people would often comment on how we were absolutely perfect for each other. Looks, intelligence, backgrounds were all very similar.
Truth is, even though I initiated it, I have more emotional depth than she ever capable of giving and that is why I hurt as much as I do. I married a sick, selfish individual with BPD who is not capable of giving anything back.
People are objects to her, life is a timeline, happiness is all appearance.
Thanks for reading.
