Money issues with parents in law

[Guoy Darko]

Hey guys,

I feel kinda crap about some money issues I have with my parents in law. Background info: My girlfriend and I have been living together now for 2,5 years and know each other for about 5 years.

She has a lot of trouble with finding a paid job, mostly because of the crappy economy. She now has a job for 5 days a week that pays nothing. Still it’s better to do that than to do something that is unrelated to her study. It is mostly for her CV and thus an investment for later.

So the last half a year or so (and probably for longer) I paid most of the rent, food and all the other bills. I do not have trouble with that, because I love to help her, and I know she would help me as well if I was in her position. Only… I recently discovered that her parents make a lot more money than I do, and that kinda feels like a knife in the back. Their daughter has no money whatsoever, I have enough to let us both survive, and her parents earn more than twice as much as me, and do not seem to feel responsible for their daughter.

According to her, her parents do not want to give her more money, because the money they will give her will go straight to me (I pay for both of us, so it’s kind of true. On the other hand, their logic feels like a punishment to me for helping her). Also, because we live together they say we should be able to survive (money-wise) together. I understand this principle, but on the other hand I’m now already spending my future inheritance on her because her parents refuse to give her an advance in her future inheritance.

My girlfriend says her parents do make a lot more than me, but still have no money on the bank. I don’t know how this is possible as they do not seem to spend ridicules amounts of money. She says they had/have issues with shares/stocks (don’t know the right term). So why continue with that?

I don’t know if I’m right or not on this issue, but I think her parents should help her more. It’s not that I don’t want to spend any money on anything other than rent, food and bills. I don't like my job now and want to save up for a future study to find other work. At the rate my spending now is going, that is not going to happen.

I like to tell my parents in law how I feel about the situation now, on the other hand that would stir up a lot of crap. And I do not even know if I’m right on this issue.

Hope you can give your opinion.

Cheers.

 

[5string]

The parents owe her nothing. I assume she is about your age and if so, she should be on her own two feet by now. You chose to live with her brother.

I make a sweet salary and my wife's daughter (almost 40) keeps trying to get at my money through her mother (wife). She has strongly suggetsed that I owe her and should help her simply because I have money and the ablility to do so. Ain't gonna do it. Plus, she does not deserve it but that's another story.

I say the above with respect.

 

[The Gambler]

You brought up a great point... If they are heavily invested in the real estate market (especially rental properties), they may not be doing so well right now with their investments. The parents might also have the "let an adult make their own way in the world" mentality. That's what my dad told me and my older brother -- but not the son he had with his new wife.

Anyhow, the bright side is that they can't hold anything over your head.... And if they ever try to, tell them to go f*ck themselves. Just like I told my dad.

The Gambler

 

[vatoloco]

Before I comment, let me ask you: how old is she and what did she study?

 

[sodbuster]

YOU are a grown up and CHOSE to live with her. She's YOUR problem. My kids will have to make it on their own.

"the irony of the times is parents don't let their kids have the same problems that made men of their fathers" ...Charles Bronson [pretty profound for an actor]

 

[backbreaker]

this is what i feel is going on.

I don't think they actually believe what they are saying. I believe they are grandstanding beucase they have detb/bills and dont' know how to manage money. But saying that we won't help our daughter out because she's grown and it's the principle of the matter sounds better on tape than saying yeah we make a lot of money but we spend more money than we make and can't help out.

you can't treat sons like daughters. my son the day he's 18 that little dude is on his own. same way my dad and mom did with me, same way my dad's dad did with him.

sons are supposed to be making their own way in the world in their early 20's of course you kick them out andm ake them get it. but a girl in her young 20's is prime time to find her a good man and they aren't helping that's not how you are supposed to do it. you are supposed to be showing that she comes from a good family.

but youc ant' do daughters like that. at least i could not. you can't expect daughters to go through the same trails and tribulations that sons do in life trying to get started.

I make a sweet salary and my wife's daughter (almost 40) keeps trying to get at my money through her mother (wife). She has strongly suggetsed that I owe her and should help her simply because I have money and the ablility to do so. Ain't gonna do it. Plus, she does not deserve it but that's another story.

i always thought the 100 in your age was a joke damn bro you really are 100 lol

 

[seasonedplayer]

Wives and girlfriends are a financial liability with the exception when their parents pass away

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

Personally I believe that her parents shouldn't have to pay her for anything. When she moved in with you; you are responsible for her. If she isn't bringing enough to the table then you just need to kick her out. Don't expect her parents to spend more money on her hen they don't need to. I suggest you have her bring something more to the table. Make sure she is cleaning all the time. Make sure she cooking all the time. Make sure she is taking care of the kid more often. Make sure she is doing the freakiest stuff ever in the bedroom. But she has to compensate one way or another.

When I let a girl move in with me I have no problem being the provider of $$. But best believe she will be bringing just as many things on the table. It may not be $ but it will be something of value.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear 5String,
Great to see you posting again....I agree with your thoughts on this issue,but as an aside,is your wife Phillipino?....and did you ever get to read Marguerite Yourcenars great novel "Memoirs of Hadrian"?

 

[zekko]

The parents owe her nothing. I assume she is about your age and if so, she should be on her own two feet by now. You chose to live with her brother.

I agree with this. She's presumably over 18, she's out of the house, and you guys are making your own way. You as a couple are not entitled to her parents' money. She has left the nest. Besides which, as has been said, they probably have a lot of debt, which would not be unusual. The more people make, the more they tend to spend - and the more credit they are able to get.

It's unfortunate that you are struggling, but a lot of people are these days, so you're not alone. Hopefully things will get better for you.

 

[5string]

Dear 5String,
Great to see you posting again....I agree with your thoughts on this issue,but as an aside,is your wife Phillipino?....and did you ever get to read Marguerite Yourcenars great novel "Memoirs of Hadrian"?

Hey brother. No, she's not Phillipino. She's of some sort of European I would guess as she's a green eyed blonde.

I have not yet read the book but promise to do so. I have a number of books in line right now and have been getting back to the classics on my Kindle. You know, Conrad, Kipling, Melville, Stevenson, etc.

 

[speed dawg]

Sorry Guoy Darko, at this point, you're on your own. Her parents owe you nothing. Period.

 

[Bible_Belt]

my son the day he's 18 that little dude is on his own. same way my dad and mom did with me, same way my dad's dad did with him.

I just never understood that philosophy. I had friends at that age whose parents felt the same way. Usually, they ended up living in their car, trying to finish high school so they could enlist in the military. I left on my own for college the fall after high school, but if my parents had thrown me out at 18 (or any time, ever), I would most certainly never speak to them again. Disowning works both ways.

 

[5string]

I just never understood that philosophy. I had friends at that age whose parents felt the same way. Usually, they ended up living in their car, trying to finish high school so they could enlist in the military. I left on my own for college the fall after high school, but if my parents had thrown me out at 18 (or any time, ever), I would most certainly never speak to them again. Disowning works both ways.

I could not agree more with this.

I was getting a haircut at Fort Leonard Wood, MO the day after high school graduation. When I came back from overseas two years later, my parents took me in for my first college semester. Then I transferred to a Big10 university, graduated and went to work. I'll always be thankful to my parents for giving me a little jump start. I never asked for anything. They were just there for me, probably knowing that I was on the verge of learning to fly. They were very cool people.

 

[backbreaker]

It’s funny you should say this. Lol because we don’t get along. Not really. I sttill to this day harbor resentments if y ou want me to be 100% honest. Nothing like we did before I was 18. Yeah I was pretty pissed. You’ve read my story enough to know that I started a business around this time and I had to do all of that, while juggling trying to figure out where iw as going to live for 2 years, all was 100% uncalled for. I was pissed.

It’s better now than it was in my early 20’s mostly because of my son, I like the idea of my son knowing his grandprents, and his other grand parents live in Europe and because of that I have pretty much sucked up whatever feelings I have for my parents for my son. But even so, I understand why they did it. My parents busted their ass raising me and they raised me right. If I get out and can’t make it on my own that **** is on me. They aren’t obligated to do **** and I don’t blame them. But as stated, I would tend to work differently with daughters.

However, that’s the thing… their goal isn’t for them to get me to like me, it’s to raise a man. And that they did. As did my grandfather who lol, to the day he died, my dad could not stand him either.


Millie and I are seriously considering having another child. It’s actually my idea i want a daguther pretty bad… I’d be interested to see if I would stick to my guns on treating my daughter differently than I would treat my son joe.

And **** you can’t argue with our family phislphs it works. Not just myself my little brother is in nursing school. Smart as ****, and works a part time job to take care of himself. He’s got his **** together he’s 22 years old. My dad owns his own janitorial service. **** m\y dad’s sister did it to her 2 kids at 18, one plays pro ball overseas in Turkey and the other is a lawyer out here in LA, and the lawyer is a girl.

The way I see it is this.. you like nature shows? Who doesn’t like nature shows. Not all animals are like this, but Elephants and Lions are like this.. mom loves all on the sons, for 2-3 even 4 years depending on the animal. But there is a point.. generally at age 3 for lions, a little older for elephants like 5-6 that the parents are like, bro we’re done. See ya. We gave you everything we knew, and now it’s up to you to put it all together.



There are even some animals, in particular old dinosaurs who layed egs, who would chase their own offspring and eat them to 1. Replenish the energy they spent not eating for months watching the eggs and 2. To weed out the bad eggs.. to make sure that no resources around them were being used on offspring who couldn’t hack it.


If you busted your ass raising your kids and did it the right way, in particular for men, at 18 it’s all on them.

Joe will get luggage for his 18th birthday lol, i'll get him whatever he needs to get setup doing whatever it is he's doing but he's done after that. if he hates me, that's on him. I care, he's my son of course i care, but I have an obligation to raise a son, not to raise a child who likes his parents, and raise a man i will do, even if it means him not liking me in the process.

 

[betheman]

My kids are my kids, they are all grown up and working now, but if ever they fall on hard times, I will do what I can, I chose to have them, I helped bring them into this world. they all have a good work ethic, dotn take the p!ss, at the end of the day though, bad times can fall on anyone and my view is, as a their parent, I never give up being there for them.
as for the OP. you are being mugged

 

[Alvafe]

I kinda agree on that saying you will kick you kids out when they have 18 or even worse treating woman like princess and all holding they hands longer (later people complain about some issues woman have), its not a good thing or even any extreme never really helps and if my parents did that pretty much I would consider then dead and would never help then (I still live with then and its kinda normal around here you just leave when you change for another town or marry), and right now with things going its better we all help each other.

but in the OP case consider you living together like you are married already (in some instances she after enough time she can ask for the same rights as she was married with you anyway), so you take to you all burden she carry with her, its with the packet, would be nice if her parents at least paid for her courses or that? would be but its not the case, you can aslo toss that at they face if they ask for help, work boths ways, but in this case you can't talk with her parents and not even ask her to talk with then better is just tell her she have to work harder because you don't have any more money and start to cut costs, you will have to think like you both are married.

 

[Guoy Darko]

The parents owe her nothing. I assume she is about your age and if so, she should be on her own two feet by now. You chose to live with her brother.

I make a sweet salary and my wife's daughter (almost 40) keeps trying to get at my money through her mother (wife). She has strongly suggetsed that I owe her and should help her simply because I have money and the ablility to do so. Ain't gonna do it. Plus, she does not deserve it but that's another story.

I say the above with respect.

I see what you're saying. Her parents have the same view I guess. Still, there's no harm in helping your 23 year old daughter who is struggling. The weird thing is that they are such a close and warm family, but as soon as money is part of the problem, it's up to me.

I don't really see the comparison with the 40 year old daughter of your wife. Mostly because she's 40 and not your child.

 

[Guoy Darko]

You brought up a great point... If they are heavily invested in the real estate market (especially rental properties), they may not be doing so well right now with their investments. The parents might also have the "let an adult make their own way in the world" mentality. That's what my dad told me and my older brother -- but not the son he had with his new wife.

Anyhow, the bright side is that they can't hold anything over your head.... And if they ever try to, tell them to go f*ck themselves. Just like I told my dad.

The Gambler

They are not invested in real estate. They just bought a lot of stocks which are not worth that much any more. Still, if it's not working, quit it! And they do have enough money to buy luxury stuff like lottery tickets.

 

[Guoy Darko]

Before I comment, let me ask you: how old is she and what did she study?

23 and something with children's development.