Met a woman in my office building. Seek her out or wait to "bump" into her again?

[STR8UP]

I think you did the right thing by not barging into her office. It's too bad that three weeks passed before you saw her again, but what can you do?

Sooner is better when it comes to attracting a woman. The longer you go without making an obvious move, the closer you are to the friend zone. And there is such a thing as "window of opportunity". Even if she is initially attracted to you, once the window closes it's tough to open it back up.

 

[Tazman]

I don't see anything wrong with what you did. You played it well, it just so happens that there wasn't an initial "spark" you thought was there in the beginning. I always succeed when I pick up accurate IOI's (and they can be difficult at times because some women fear the men they are attracted to and feign disinterest so as not to seem too eager). You correctly evaluated this situation and avoided unnecessary embarrassment.

 

[CompleteControl]

However, i stand behind my decision not to force things and here is why:

I pretty much agree with your thoughts here.

I think you need to forget about her for now.

The finger pointing and calling her by name wouldn't have been a big deal -- IF you HAD made an impression on her - you apparently didn't.

You may get lucky and she didn't recognize you because you were dressed differently.

However, Since she didn't remember you - after your last encounter she may be thinking " Wow, I guess I met this guy weeks ago - and he remembers my name and acts like we know each other - he has probably been dreaming about me every night - probably some creepy stalker guy"

I would let it go - if you run into her - wait for her to engage you.

....... and go meet some other women (if you had been banging a few other hot women you wouldn't have remembered the brunettes name -- and she might be wondering why she didn't make an impression on you)

 

[grinder]

I’m not questioning your judgment on your decision not to force it with this one.

If we use this one chick as an example to excoriate every minute detail of what you did right or wrong, we are quite literally missing the forest for the trees.

She’s ONE tree in a forest of millions.

As I stated earlier I think it is wise to leave her alone for no other reason than she works in the same building.

It’s just painful to see any guy on here microscopically examine in excruciating detail the chain of events. I know, its good to give details and get feedback. It’s good for learning. But these are just words on a page.

I have not seen you reference other women you are approaching or have encounters with.

I hate to repeat myself and get back on my soapbox, but the solution is to approach a lot of women, keep doing it, pay attention to what works, and keep doing that.

Open, look for IOI’s , react instantly if they are there, move on if not. Repeat.

QUANTITY is job one. Volume. Mass. Numbers.

If most women are not good and you slowly sort through them then, frankly, you are going to get very old before you find a good one.

 

[jophil28]

Hey Guitrplayer, it is very likely that she did not remember you after three weeks because you did not do anything meaningful to 'stamp' yourself on her psyche. She did not recall your name because you were passive with her-polite but passive . Doesn't that tell you something about her -possibly ?
There is NO guarantee that all women will respond to you if you ask for their number. There is also no point in waiting for "just the right moment" . That moment usually is when you decide to act.
I liked the recent quote from Victory Unlimited " I miss 100% of the shots that I don't take"..

 

[Sinistar]

GtarPlayr73, I think it's time you sell off your trusty ole' sniper rifle and buy a pump action short barrel shotgvn - if you know what I mean?

I want to ask you a question and I believe you will answer this honestly given your openess in previous posts.

How many total minutes (or hours) have you spent thinking about this woman from three weeks ago? That includes looking for her around work, seeing/thinking about her before your first encounter, wondering about her here afterwards and of course the time you invested in posting/reading about her here. Think about it and try to account for all the time.

Now take that answer and compare it to the time you've actually been interacting with her. Hopefully that ratio of wondering:interacting is quite low. However, if it is high it means you're not using your scattergvn enough (it ONEitis).

Also, steal a bit from the PUA's & players out there. They do so many approaches they would have forgot her name by now! Why, because during the initial encounter they would have escalated things (C&F,brief kino maybe digits or rejection) OR they would have realized the attraction just wasn't there (her or you doesn't matter) and would have moved on and forgetten her name. And there's an irony there. Had you run into each other the other day and you had forgotten her name and asked her again - you just might have sparked an interest in her - dumb but true. And you know why that is right?

 

[##17]

I'm going to disagree slightly with the others. This is the lesson, I think: You need to strike when the iron is hot. I do agree that going to her office would've been a bad idea, but if you had suggested a beer after work at that place when the two of you talked a few weeks ago, she might have said yes. And if she had said no, at least you would've known where you stood right then, and you probably wouldn't have been thinking of her for the past few weeks, am I wrong?

This particular girl doesn't really matter that much. It's what you do with the next one, the one after that...

 

[GtarPlayr73]

I actually haven't thought about this woman all that much. Even less if i hadn't started this thread, ironically. Besides this thread, i probably thought about her 10-15 minutes - it seems weird to even calculate such a thing.

It was not my inaction that caused her to forget, but the three weeks of not running into each other (which i did not anticipate). She would not have forgotten if we encountered each other the next day or two or three. I WAS dressed for the gym (shorts, t-shirt) so maybe that played a part.

Yes, i could have asked her out when we first met. However, i likely would have come off as desperate if i asked her out that quickly. She wanted to get to her office and get on with her day, not be hassled by some guy she just met. I'm just not feeling the natural flow with the idea of asking her out upon introduction, especially such a brief episode (3-4 minutes). To ask her for her number right after we met would have been cumbersome, no, f*cking desperate, the more i think about it. I mean completely opposite of the assured, relaxed DJ who knows that meeting women is an art, not a sport.

Whatever happened to building a little tension, playing the game, having style, and self-assured patience? There's no game when you ask a woman out that fast. I don't have to be a Beta Male, but i sure as hell can be myself which is laid-back and easy-going. To behave differently is to not be myself which is a fundamental for the DJ. Success is about confidence within your own unique style and staying true to your temperment and personality. Chumps fail when they try to effect a style and energy that isn't their own and, boy, don't we know how women pick up on any deviation from what is natural...

 

[MacAvoy]

Yes, i could have asked her out when we first met. However, i likely would have come off as desperate if i asked her out that quickly. She wanted to get to her office and get on with her day, not be hassled by some guy she just met. I'm just not feeling the natural flow with the idea of asking her out upon introduction, especially such a brief episode (3-4 minutes). To ask her for her number right after we met would have been cumbersome, no, f*cking desperate, the more i think about it. I mean completely opposite of the assured, relaxed DJ who knows that meeting women is an art, not a sport.

Your making a huge mistake here, your completely rationalizing your failure. Your calling her names (I wouldn't want such a sensitive, uptight b*tch anyway) when she actually engaged you and was the opposite of an uptight b1tch).

I don't know what you consider a DJ but most people around here think of a DJ as a guy who's confident enough to approach a women and get her number within 3-4 minutes. If you take longer than that, you come across as a desparate AFC. Time to take off the blinders, own up to your mistakes. Like others have said, you should have striked while the iron was hot, asked her out that first day when you talked for 4 minutes.

Now move on, next time you talk to a girl for a couple minutes, ask for her number. Next time you see a girl, say hi. Girls want destiny and fate to sweep them off their feet, you control your destiny, so make a move and sweep a women off her feet.

 

[Sinistar]

I too perceived your last post as a big rationalization. RT just started a great thread regarding buffering ourselves from rejection. Whether you meant to convey it or not, I perceived from your last post that your goal is to get more comfortable with this woman before asking her out. That is akin to seeing her as having more power and thus working towards intimacy via some degree of friendship since the direct frontal assault (ie showing that your interested right away) might hurt a little bit (yeah, rejection).

Here's the thing. If she's is as hot as you say then she knew from the instant you initiated that conversation with her that you wanted to bang her. Yeah, read that again if you have too. She knew it instantly. Instantly! Women have evolved and are conditioned to pick up on this for a variety of reasons. Guys don't come up to women like this with the sole intention of being her girlfriend. She knows this from years of being approached. So, where you really dropped the ball was not following up. She knew you wanted intimacy with her within seconds of you talking to her. And for those next 3-4 minutes she was waiting for you to show her why she should entertain the risks involved. Those first few minutes are crucial. Had you been c0cky, busted on her a bit, made her laugh and followed up with a confident request to meet for drink or get digits, etc you would have been in a win-win situation. And yeah it is win-win because either she's interested and takes the hook or she isn't and your have your answer and your free time to spend with other potential candidates.

Its good to hear you weren't thinking or dwelling too much regarding her. Thanks for being entirely honest in that regard because ONEitis will knock even the best DJ/PUA/Player down hard. Not a pretty sight.

 

[##17]

I actually haven't thought about this woman all that much. Even less if i hadn't started this thread, ironically. Besides this thread, i probably thought about her 10-15 minutes - it seems weird to even calculate such a thing.

It was not my inaction that caused her to forget, but the three weeks of not running into each other (which i did not anticipate). She would not have forgotten if we encountered each other the next day or two or three. I WAS dressed for the gym (shorts, t-shirt) so maybe that played a part.

Yes, i could have asked her out when we first met. However, i likely would have come off as desperate if i asked her out that quickly. She wanted to get to her office and get on with her day, not be hassled by some guy she just met. I'm just not feeling the natural flow with the idea of asking her out upon introduction, especially such a brief episode (3-4 minutes). To ask her for her number right after we met would have been cumbersome, no, f*cking desperate, the more i think about it. I mean completely opposite of the assured, relaxed DJ who knows that meeting women is an art, not a sport.

Whatever happened to building a little tension, playing the game, having style, and self-assured patience? There's no game when you ask a woman out that fast. I don't have to be a Beta Male, but i sure as hell can be myself which is laid-back and easy-going. To behave differently is to not be myself which is a fundamental for the DJ. Success is about confidence within your own unique style and staying true to your temperment and personality. Chumps fail when they try to effect a style and energy that isn't their own and, boy, don't we know how women pick up on any deviation from what is natural...

You don't `ask a woman' out. You invite her to come along with what you're doing: "Hey, let's go try that place after work!" If she says yes, great! If not, then you can write her off as someone who doesn't have great taste...

I'm not knocking you either. If it's really against your principles to get involved with anyone associated w/ work though, that's cool. A lot of people feel that way. But I do suspect that if she had asked you out after 3 or 4 minutes, you would've said yes...

So I basically agree w/ MacAvoy and Sinistar.

 

[Latinoman]

My take on the whole thing base on the actual events and ignoring any rationalition made by original poster.

INITIAL APPROACH: Must provide an opening for future contact. In professional environment (including walking toward my job), I typically provide my card. Especially under same circunstances. That allows her to sit in her office and at the very least stare the card...my email...my cell...my phone.
That would have been my approach.


LAST CONTACT: I feel he did the right thing. Good judgement there and I agree with it.


Note: In my professional environment in my office, I wear nice shoes, suits, pay over $30 for a haircut (eg "trim" as my hair is a combo of Patrick Dempsey and the Grenier dude from Entourage) and try to be as sharp as possible. That at least make women comfortable when I smile at them. Especially a Latino man with rogue looks. LOL
My point is that everybody should assess themselves going to the office. If you are a Math or computer type...then look like a rock and roll star. If you work in an office around other "suits"...might as well go GQ. Etc.

 

[jophil28]

Several of you guys have praised the poster for "doing the right thing " - which amounted to blowing it with this woman.
Tell me how NOT getting the result he wanted was "doing the right thing ".
.

 

[joekerr31]

Several of you guys have praised the poster for "doing the right thing " - which amounted to blowing it with this woman.
Tell me how NOT getting the result he wanted was "doing the right thing ".
.

he could have just never talked to her int eh first place. he could have never tried to approach the second time.

he could have just fantasized about her for years instead of doing something about it.

in this sense he did the right thing.

 

[Latinoman]

Several of you guys have praised the poster for "doing the right thing " - which amounted to blowing it with this woman.
Tell me how NOT getting the result he wanted was "doing the right thing ".
.

Here is the thing...during the second encounter he came to the realization that she felt ZERO attraction for him.

Considering they work in the same building...he did the right thing by counting his loses and backing down.

We cannot expect every woman to find us attractive. We cannot stalk every woman under the hope they are going to find us attractive.

As DJs we most know when to read the indicators of her interest as well as her lack of interest.

He wanted her.
She did not want him.
He moved on without embarrasing himself.

That's what I mean by doing the right thing.

 

[jophil28]

There are all kinds of possible explanations for her actions when her saw her in the parking garage.
It is a HUGE assumption to claim that there was no attraction on her part.
She may have been rushing to a dentist appt or even to meet her G/f at Baskins . Who knows. TO give up on her is premature in the extreme.
Women need "dialling up " LM . They do NOT do the direct approach behavior like we do.
In my opinion, GTRPLR73 should keep her 'alive' and work her again ...
First thing he needs to do is unravel his thoughts and set a plan of action.
His last two posts were not those of a self propelled guy. All confused beliefs and justifications for doing zip.

"Being passive is NOT the same as being "cool " - its just 'deer in the headlights scared.'

 

[jophil28]

She did NOt reject him and she and he do not work together or see each other every day.
He is bailing too early IMHO.

 

[GtarPlayr73]

OK, let me sound off here and put some of your concerns to rest. Since i never asked her out, she hasn't rejected me. The question now is: do i ask her out the next time i see her? I could and i seriously might. I'm not afraid of hearing a no from her. I'd be proud of myself. To be honest, i rarely get shot down. BUT i NEVER cold approach and rarely ask women i just met out, so those of you who sensed some buffering going on are on to something. I am fortunate to be very good looking and to have a strong sense of aesthetics (well-dressed). It's just that who i think i am versus the reality of who i am are not in line with each other. I should be knocking 'em dead and fightin' 'em off each and every day. But during my childhood, my father tore me down instead of building me up and those effects are still lingering. I don't blame him for my current mindset. That's MY responsibility.

So, with this woman, my sense is that i didn't wow her even though the exchange was friendly enough. She even laughed at the last thing i said before we went our seperate ways. F*ck, who knows? She could just be an over-worked FLAKE and wouldn't reject me at all if i ask her out. I know i am capable of coming on like a DJ to her so...? My problem is my mind. I'm notorious amongst my friends for "thinking too much". Dreams are an amazing thing. I'm such the f*cking Don Juan in my dreams. Why? No hesitation! No thinking about it. If i'm with a hottie, i'm all over her and before i know it, we're sexing it up. I want to have THAT sort of flow in real life. We men need to get to that point of pure masculine instinct. Women respond to that instinct! We need to get our minds OUT of the equation when it comes to the approach and building towards sex. Are there mental exercises or meditations we can do to help achieve this?

Having said that, my mind still believes that even if a woman finds me attractive, i would still be hassling her with a RANDOM cold approach. I mean, my default belief is that women don't want to be asked out unless the environment is right (bar, party, cafe, etc) or some natural circumstances are present (group, school, work, mutual friend, etc). Do women, especially Hot Babes REALLY want to be asked out at random through the cold approach? F*ck, it seems like such an interruption of their lives, such a hassle, such an embarrassment, such a jolt to them, like breaking some unspoken rule. Inconveniencing them while they just want to do whatever they're in the midst of doing. I mean, this isn't rationalizing - i really do believe women don't want to be cold-approached. Awkward. It seems awkward. Is it just not my style???

 

[joekerr31]

hehe, yes, you definitely can think things through endless

thats a good thing - persistent thought that is - unless its just going in circles.

anyway, heres the answer to your dilemma.

DO NOTHING. do nothing other than ONE THING.

and that ONE THING is..... have fun!

be happy. be content. enjoy life. smile. say hello to everyone you meet if you want. next time you see this girl smile and wave and move on.

if you are close enough to talk to her then ask her how her day is going.

FORGET outcomes. forget closing. forget her as a romantic option. forget all that stuff for now.

just walk around with a 'I'm a guy loving life" attitude and if she's interested she'll find a way back in to your life and you'll get your shot to ask her out at some point. if she's not, then no big deal

this is why i keep telling guys, you can't FAKE it. you gotta work on yourself first, you gotta get your positive vibes about life going good and strong. then closing women is a joke. when a woman sees a nice guy, who is confident, enjoying life, etc. - its the equivalent of a man seeing an hb10 walking down teh street in cut off cameltoe jean shorts and a wet white tank top with perfect t*ts.

think of how that stops you in your tracks and thats how women react to guys who have their sh*t together and are laid back and most of all friendly (not just to them, but to everyone!).

you DO NOT have to try and figure out all the different ways you can behave and then try to figure out all the different ways she might react to all those ways. thats making her the prize.

all you gotta do is walk around enjoying life and being the prize. women will make themselves available to YOU if you do that.

 

[wheelin&dealin]

BUT i NEVER cold approach and rarely ask women i just met out, so those of you who sensed some buffering going on are on to something. I am fortunate to be very good looking and to have a strong sense of aesthetics (well-dressed).


I mean, this isn't rationalizing - i really do believe women don't want to be cold-approached. Awkward. It seems awkward. Is it just not my style???

Cold approaching is what separates PUAs from your typical guys. If you have skills use em. Otherwise, be scared your whole life.