Is this too drastic just for a girl - part 2

[crooklyncrew]

This is a continuation of my previous post:

http://sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=86493

Well, I deleted aim and I haven't talked to Jane for maybe 1-2 weeks. She's e-mailed me three times, one of them not even counting really as it was just two words. I guess she noticed the absence of my presence. XD

Anyways, in her last e-mail she wrote about a page outlining what's going on in her life, how she hoped I was doing ok, why am I not answering her, etc. I didn't really have any desire to answer her so I haven't replied to any of her e-mails or talked to her since the first post I made here.

Then, one day my friend says she messaged him on myspace. She was asking where I was and why I wasn't talking to her. She goes on about how she tried to e-mail me and I haven't responded to any of her messages, how she can't get ahold of me, and finally she says "I guess he doesn't want to talk to me, but the sad thing is I don't know why.." He covered for me the entire time saying I'm probably busy with school and all the things I'm trying to do in my life.

But see! That's why I'm not talking to her anymore, because she acts so damn oblivious. She knows I liked her, but she acts like she couldn't possibly see why I wouldn't talk to her after her last conversation of her giving me some bs rejection. Not gonna have a bf for exactly three years, please. Not to mention, I used to send her e-mails and messages and she'd COMPLETELY ignore them, now she wants to ***** and moan cause I don't answer her for a WEEK!? A week! I could see if it was a month, but damn... she must really be feeling the absence now. When I was available to her, she took me for granted. Now that I put my foot down and left without explanation, she's going out of her way to try to talk to me. I hope everyone learns something from this.

From now on a girl gets one chance with me. If they **** it up, there's no going back. I'm moving on, plain and simple. Too bad she's only e-mailing me when I'm gone, cause it's too little too late.

I want to get some advice. I was contemplating on answering her (since she's going through a surgery soon), but I know if I answer her she'll probably end up taking me for granted again because she would have gotten what she wanted - a reply from me. It feels kind of good ignoring her messages like she did to me and letting her know I'm not available at her demand. But at the same time I don't want it to seem like I'm "ignoring" her or like I'm mad at her for no reason. That would seem childish. I just want her to get the idea that I'm doing things in my life and handling my business, and at the same time that she's not my top priority anymore. So if I reply, when should I and what should I say? I just want to get some opinions on how to handle things from here. I kind of want her to get the idea that I'm handling business, but she's not a part of my life anymore without actually SAYING that literally. Anyone know what I mean?

 

[IM0001]

earlier before i got here a girl did something similar to me. She was awsome, fun, ect then out of nowhere she just dropped contact. i called and waited a week. called again, then after a while just dropped it. To this day i have no idea why she voulfnt just tell me wtf was up. Sadly it must be something i keep doing and noone will point it out lol.

I say tell her nicely whats going on but if she pulls the same crap again then its game over.

 

[AFK Protector]

Originally posted by IM0001
earlier before i got here a girl did something similar to me. She was awsome, fun, ect then out of nowhere she just dropped contact. i called and waited a week. called again, then after a while just dropped it. To this day i have no idea why she voulfnt just tell me wtf was up. Sadly it must be something i keep doing and noone will point it out lol.

I say tell her nicely whats going on but if she pulls the same crap again then its game over.

Don't listen to this guy.

Keep doign waht you're doign man. you're doing great and you're forgetting about her oblivously selfish ass. Remember she tooled you man....you can't let that happen again!! I'm actually going through the same thing you're going through, so power to us.

 

[AFK Protector]

if you reply. keep it short. keep it formal. keep to the point. and just never talk to her again.

 

[SparkleMotion]

I would say don't respond to her. But since this is the internet, I don't obviously know the whole scenario. You said she was having surgery, if you want to ever talk to her again (which might be a bad idea, go find a new chick) send her a short polite message saying you've been busy and you wish her well with her surgery.

 

[crooklyncrew]

Originally posted by SparkleMotion
I would say don't respond to her. But since this is the internet, I don't obviously know the whole scenario. You said she was having surgery, if you want to ever talk to her again (which might be a bad idea, go find a new chick) send her a short polite message saying you've been busy and you wish her well with her surgery.

Well, yea it's kind of complicated cause I want to play this just the right way. I don't want her to think of me as like "damn that guy got mad at me for no reason", but I want her to get the picture that I'm not going to go for her anymore.

 

[EquityPrivate]

Originally posted by crooklyncrew
This is a continuation of my previous post:

http://sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=86493

Well, I deleted aim and I haven't talked to Jane for maybe 1-2 weeks. She's e-mailed me three times, one of them not even counting really as it was just two words. I guess she noticed the absence of my presence. XD

Anyways, in her last e-mail she wrote about a page outlining what's going on in her life, how she hoped I was doing ok, why am I not answering her, etc. I didn't really have any desire to answer her so I haven't replied to any of her e-mails or talked to her since the first post I made here.

This suggests that the answer to your problem is... NEXT.

You just don't sound that into her. Am I wrong here?

Then, one day my friend says she messaged him on myspace. She was asking where I was and why I wasn't talking to her. She goes on about how she tried to e-mail me and I haven't responded to any of her messages, how she can't get ahold of me, and finally she says "I guess he doesn't want to talk to me, but the sad thing is I don't know why.." He covered for me the entire time saying I'm probably busy with school and all the things I'm trying to do in my life.

Sounds like she doesn't usually talk to your friend. So she messaged him just to talk to him about you? Unlikely. She messaged him to try and get him to get to you, which he promptly did, and to get you to call her back.

But see! That's why I'm not talking to her anymore, because she acts so damn oblivious. She knows I liked her, but she acts like she couldn't possibly see why I wouldn't talk to her after her last conversation of her giving me some bs rejection. Not gonna have a bf for exactly three years, please. Not to mention, I used to send her e-mails and messages and she'd COMPLETELY ignore them, now she wants to ***** and moan cause I don't answer her for a WEEK!? A week! I could see if it was a month, but damn... she must really be feeling the absence now. When I was available to her, she took me for granted. Now that I put my foot down and left without explanation, she's going out of her way to try to talk to me. I hope everyone learns something from this.

No, we knew this already I think.

Soon as you pull away, she chases. She wants to put you back into her comfort zone, it sounds like to me. "What happened to my little security blanket?" Right back in that spot where she can blow you off with impunity and know you are going to be there when she wants to pull her little stuffed animal out and play with it again, that is until she gets bored and wants to stuff you back into the toy box for another pair of weeks.

I'm speculating here, but if you two have known each other for a while I will wager that this is learned behavior on her part. That you taught her this, hopefully unwittingly, by rewarding her "pull away" behavior with more attention. (Phone calls, emails. "Where are you, I miss you!")

That's my guess anyhow.

From now on a girl gets one chance with me. If they **** it up, there's no going back. I'm moving on, plain and simple. Too bad she's only e-mailing me when I'm gone, cause it's too little too late.

Only one chance is a little extreme, but you do have to make it clear early on in the relationship that this stuff doesn't fly. If she wants your attention then you need hers back. Otherwise, you're sure there are other guys who will be happy to fawn over her and buy her dinner on the off chance that they might get into her panties.

I want to get some advice. I was contemplating on answering her (since she's going through a surgery soon),

Well, too bad she didn't treat you like the loyal boyfriend you clearly are, or she'd have someone to comfort her during this obviously difficult period. Now it's the guilt strings she's trying to use to pull you back to her.

but I know if I answer her she'll probably end up taking me for granted again because she would have gotten what she wanted - a reply from me.

DING!

It feels kind of good ignoring her messages like she did to me and letting her know I'm not available at her demand. But at the same time I don't want it to seem like I'm "ignoring" her or like I'm mad at her for no reason. That would seem childish. I just want her to get the idea that I'm doing things in my life and handling my business, and at the same time that she's not my top priority anymore. So if I reply, when should I and what should I say? I just want to get some opinions on how to handle things from here. I kind of want her to get the idea that I'm handling business, but she's not a part of my life anymore without actually SAYING that literally. Anyone know what I mean? [/B]

Hi Jane,

Sorry I haven't been around more often. With (school/work/volunteer work/the guys/Betsy "The Tongue" Williams) and everything I've been pretty tied up.

Good to hear from you.

Later,

-crooklyncrew

Civil. Somewhat standoffish, and a clear expression that your world is pretty cool for you right now, thank you very much. Note what this letter does NOT contain:

"And I've really missed you and want to see you. Poor thing. When is your surgery? Can I be in the recovery room to help dress your wounds? Is everything alright? Want me to bring over some cookies and cream?"

The door's open for her to write a:

"You've been so distant lately! Please spend more time with me."

Which gets a:

"Well, yes. But I know you have other things going on in your life and have been too busy to spend much time with me, so that's cool."

You can decide how that ends. With a phone call telling her you are going to go (bowl/watch the game/handglide/visit the museum of surgical instruments) and she should come along. Or...

NEXT.

 

[crooklyncrew]

Great responses lmao, I finally responded to her e-mails with something to the effect of this:

How's it going, Jane? I've been pretty busy lately with school and work, but I'm doing great. I'm meeting a lot of new people, working on music, reading a lot of good books, dating, writing everyday, etc. My cousin got me sick this week and I had to cancel my date but oh well, it was nice seeing him after so long. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow morning to see what's wrong. I hope it's nothing too bad. Anyways, I hope things go well with your surgery! talk to you later

- crooklyncrew

Why did I reply? Circumstances.

I'm guessing that Jane e-mailed my friend because deep down she probably assumed that I was avoiding her. After all, I was still talking to my other friends online. I wasn't talking to them as much since I deleted aim, but they still had open contact with me which is what she didn't have. I forgot to mention that I also deleted my online journals and my myspace just for an added effect in my disappearing act

Anyways, here's where I had to step in. I could easily let her think that I'm some immature kid that stopped talking to her because she rejected me. Or I could be smart and cause her to realize that I moved on, that I'm busy doing my thing and that she's the one who lost something (regular contact with me).

If she thinks that I got rid of aim, deleted my online journals, etc. just for her (which she does because she e-mailed my friend about me), then that gives her too much power. She'll sum me up to some immature chump who can't handle rejection. But if she sees that I moved on, took her out of the equation, I'm doing my thing and I'm happy with my life right now, then it demonstrates that I'm out of her grasp. She's the one that has to do the work now.

That is the only message I'll send her. Even if she doesn't reply, I know one day she will. Why? Because I planted the seed and I left things unsettled, yet on good terms. After reading that, she'll probably think "oh things are back to normal now" and that more e-mails will come. But they won't. Plus, she can't think something negative about me now, so one day when she's thinking about me (wondering why my e-mail was so short, why I didn't answer ANY of her questions, who I'm dating, when the next e-mail will be, etc.) she'll probably decide to send me another e-mail for the hell of it. That's when, after taking my sweet time, I'll drop another bomb on her ass. Let her know how great my life is with my new gf or some bomb-ass girl I'm involved with.

Hopefully these moves will keep her seeing me in a good light, but at the same time letting her know she lost something. I'm not giving her any crutches to fall back on.

 

[DinoCassanova]

and I had to cancel my date


>>> Good. I like that. And as somebody else here said, "keep it short and to the point". This way it doesn't become a total freeze-out, but at the same time you're letting her know you've got a life, you're busy, you're not just sitting around praying at a shrine dedicated to her, and yet you're not totally and permanently pissed at her either. Incidentally, I bet she's been thinking alot more of you lately. Have you been thinking of her, like, occasional flashes of her come into your mind?? Because listen to this, I read this recently somewhere, and I know it sounds goofy but, they were saying in this article that when that happens, like when you suddenly have thoughts of a person you haven't seen in a long time, it means that that person is having STRONG thoughts , directing alot of "psychic energy" , at you. Weird , right??

~Dino

 

[EquityPrivate]

Originally posted by crooklyncrew
Great responses lmao, I finally responded to her e-mails with something to the effect of this:

How's it going, Jane? I've been pretty busy lately with school and work, but I'm doing good. I'm meeting a lot of new people, working on music, reading a lot of good books, dating, working on the site, writing everyday, etc. My cousin got me sick this week and I had to cancel my date but oh well, it was nice seeing him after so long. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow morning to see what's up. I hope it's nothing too bad, but I have a feeling it's strep. Anyways, I hope things go well with your surgery! ttyl

- crooklyncrew

Not too bad. Too wordy maybe. Looks like you took a while composing it. That sends the wrong message. I would have kept it shorter.

Also, the "I'm meeting a lot of new people, working on music... etc." line is too long. In future be more mysterious about what you're doing. She has to come hang out with you to be a part of your cool and entertaining world. Here you've given it to her for free.

Also, your cousin got you sick? Were you kissing him?

Way too much detail. And you weren't sick... you were busy.

Sick makes you sound unattractive and somewhat prone to illness (obviously). Busy makes you sound... busy.

Don't throw in the "dating" part next time. Just keep it mysterious. Let her guess and agonize a bit. Now that you told her you are "dating" that's a bit too strong a push back. You want her to be AFRAID you are dating, not certain that you are.

You're not going to the doctor tomorrow. You're busy tomorrow. Don't even talk about tomorrow unless she asks. Then it's just "I've got some things to take care of tomorrow."

STREP? Christ. Now you're never going to get her to kiss you.

My rule: I never, never admit I'm sick or not feeling well or tired to a girl. Conveys beta male bigtime. I'm not a believer in being the Alpha all the time, but I'm sure as hell not going to drop into the friend zone with the "Ugh, I've been feeling so awful." That invites "Drink some tea with lemon and put a hot compress on your forehead. My mother used to say that if you got a pepper enema you'd fix Strep right away and she..."

Well fvck. Now I'm in the fcvking friend zone.

Why did I reply? Circumstances.

I'm guessing that Jane e-mailed my friend because deep down she probably assumed that I was avoiding her.

So this one is a genius eh?

The message was friendly, it let her know I'm doing things, it doesn't give her the crutch of thinking that I'm suffering trying to get over her or something, I never apologize for not answering her e-mails, and it doesn't answer any of her questions in her previous e-mails. She has no choice but to wonder now.

Hopefully these moves will keep her seeing me in a good light, but at the same time letting her know she lost something. That's all I want

Shift of power.

Conveys too much weakness in my book. You might run into some friend of hers who's a HB9 and need the social proof one day.

Just one man's opinion.

 

[crooklyncrew]

Well, I'm not going to see her any time soon seeing that we're in two completely different parts of the world now. So you probably misunderstood parts of that letter. It doesn't matter if I tell her I'm sick because she's not going to see me anytime soon haha.

If I do see her, it won't be for a year or so. So, by this being the last e-mail she's going to get from me she is going to wonder. I never went into exact detail but I mentioned the things she addressed in her e-mails without actually giving her resolution in the form of real answers. She's going to want to know more. She's going to expect me to write again (because of the friendliness of the e-mail), but I'm not going to. That's how I'm going to play this. I'm going to use her expectations and assumptions against her.

But yea, I do agree that it was kind of long and revealing a bit too much, but that's also because I don't want to come off as a jerk. Not because I want to be an AFC or any of that, but because I don't want to give her that crutch of summing me up as a jerk. That would be too easy for her. It would be too easy to say "oh he just stopped talking to me, what a jerk i thought we were friends blah blah". I don't even want to give her the comfort of leaning to that type of conclusion.

So if she sees that I'm civil to her in her e-mails, but that I'm not going to deal with her anymore because I'm busy doing all these other things she can't really put me in a negative box. The stuff you were saying really applies more if I was seeing her on a daily basis, but she's in a different part of the world and I won't see her for a long time, if that.

She'll expect me to write again because I left things on good terms, but I never will. She'll wonder about me, because I never answered her questions and forgot her birthday. You see, I did train her to act that way. She's expecting me to do something for her birthday. Watch when I do nothing, when there's no happy birthday e-mail or gift in the mail She'll wonder, and write some more, and I'll take even longer to answer next time. I'll keep giving her this positive image of me until I completely flip the script on her and get my respect back.

 

[EquityPrivate]

Originally posted by crooklyncrew

She'll expect me to write again because I left things on good terms, but I never will. She'll wonder about me, because I never answered her questions and forgot her birthday. You see, I did train her to act that way. She's expecting me to do something for her birthday. Watch when I do nothing, when there's no happy birthday e-mail or gift in the mail She'll wonder, and write some more, and I'll take even longer to answer next time. I'll keep giving her this positive image of me until I completely flip the script on her and get my respect back.

Sounds like its more about revenge and bitterness than DJism.

 

[crooklyncrew]

Originally posted by EquityPrivate
Sounds like its more about revenge and bitterness than DJism.

Probably cause part of it is >

 

[crooklyncrew]

Originally posted by DinoCassanova
and I had to cancel my date


>>> Good. I like that. And as somebody else here said, "keep it short and to the point". This way it doesn't become a total freeze-out, but at the same time you're letting her know you've got a life, you're busy, you're not just sitting around praying at a shrine dedicated to her, and yet you're not totally and permanently pissed at her either. Incidentally, I bet she's been thinking alot more of you lately. Have you been thinking of her, like, occasional flashes of her come into your mind?? Because listen to this, I read this recently somewhere, and I know it sounds goofy but, they were saying in this article that when that happens, like when you suddenly have thoughts of a person you haven't seen in a long time, it means that that person is having STRONG thoughts , directing alot of "psychic energy" , at you. Weird , right??

~Dino

Actually, this has happened to me before. It probably just sounds like AFC talk, but one day I e-mailed Jane on her cell phone and she told me that it was weird because at the exact moment I e-mailed her she was thinking about me and how I was doing. So, I think there is some truth to that. We were both thinking of each other at the same time, I guess. But I doubt that all the times I was thinking of her, she was thinking of me.

x_x

Now I feel kind of weird for sending her that message, cause I'm going to be waiting for a response even though deep down I don't want to. Part of me is just curious to see what she'll say to that, and the other part is just old feelings coming back. I gotta find something to do :\

 

[crooklyncrew]

Anyone else with an opinion?

 

[Legend]

i can relate to your two posts. Ive been in the same situation recently. Cutting all contact is the only way. Try to forget about her. Thinking about her will only fill you with sadness. You made the right moves by deleting aim. I did the same. Why should you watse anymore of your time on this girl? You have wasted enough of your time, you made it clear you wanted more, she knew you wanted more, nothing more ever happened, so its game over for her. I wouldnt even write any emails back.

 

[EquityPrivate]

Originally posted by crooklyncrew
Probably cause part of it is >

Well, that's weak, really.

I don't know about others, but I post on this board to help people find women for themselves, not to gut some girl who decided (maybe for both your benefits) that you're not "the one."

 

[crooklyncrew]

Originally posted by EquityPrivate
Well, that's weak, really.

I don't know about others, but I post on this board to help people find women for themselves, not to gut some girl who decided (maybe for both your benefits) that you're not "the one."

Then help someone else. This is really about my self-esteem and respect, not simply because Jane didn't chose me as 'the one'. Look at the whole situation.

It's about her feeling that she could keep me along for whatever reason, while she gave me half-assed signs and bs rejections.

Now I want to move on, get my respect back, and in the process demonstrate my worth so that its evident to her that she lost something. I'm not going out like a chump, anymore.

I've been talking to this girl for 2-3 years and if it's not already obvious, it may have been my fault for not calling it quits sooner, but she didn't exactly make it plain and clear that she wasn't into me.

God forbid she has to feel a tinge of guilt when I stop talking to her, after months of stringing me along and never being clear about her feelings just so I could be the comfort "guy who is always going to like me" self-esteem booster or whatever I was to her.

So if you can't see any possible validity behind why I'm trying to salvage my respect in this situation, you're in the wrong thread.

It's not like I'm going out of my way trying to rub it in her face. But if I'm going to go out, I'm going to go out letting her know what's up. I'm not gonna give her the comfort of summing me up to being some chump or nice-guy she has in the palm of her hand

 

[Legend]

I don't know about others, but I post on this board to help people find women for themselves, not to gut some girl who decided (maybe for both your benefits) that you're not "the one."

EP Im sure your 28 posts have helped a lot of people out. Leave this dude alone.

:moon:

 

[crooklyncrew]

Originally posted by Legend
EP Im sure your 28 posts have helped a lot of people out. Leave this dude alone.

:moon:

Glad at least some people know where I'm coming from (reality).