Is she interested? (pretty long!)

[bitteorca]

Hey guys,

First time poster!

Basically, I'll give you some brief (as possible) background to my problem:

Dating a girl, seen her around 4-5 times. Slept with her twice. Everything going swimmingly. Mutual contact on both ends, not too much, not too little. Seemed really into me.

Her horse got put down on sat morning (she went from my house early), she texts me to say sorry she had to leave early and to tell me this. That day, I basically smoother her. I dont usually smoother girls, but I was just being caring, given the situation. I also did this to her on sunday. we we're supposed to do something, but she ended up going to the stables to clear stuff out (totally understandable), but then i asked her to do something at night blahblah pressurising her to see me basically. She didn't. I spoke to her that sunday night, she told me it was overwhelming, that she had a lot on that weekend and she didn't even know me that well. She said she still wants to continue with it, but just needs a bit of space to breathe. I apologised to her, and said I wasn't usually like that (I'm not), but it was just the situation, I obviously misjudged it. And that I would give her that space.

Ever since then, she talks to me, but its not the same at all. She initiates convo on facebook. But she doesnt really text anymore. Also, when she is talking to me on facebook, it isn't really the same either.

I got tickets for a gig for us to go to when everything was going ok. Because of all this, I have no idea whether she is coming or not. I asked her on monday, and she said she will still be coming. But I hinted again later on in the week, and asked her whether she wanted me to drive or whether she wanted to. She just said she was logging off and said goodbye. However, she was at work, and it was like 16:58. I decided, from speaking to people, that I should just leave it for a while, not mention it etc. I don't initiate convo with her on facebook, she does with me, but I do talk back obviously. I texted her today to ask whether she was coming. Pretty cool about it. hey, how are you, do you still want to come tomorrow. She texted back pretty rapidly saying that she has been ill today. I do believe this, she posted a facebook status last night saying she is about to die. she said she'd had the day off work today aswell. but told me her show went really well. more importantly, she said 'i do wanna come, but i dunno how i'll be'. this is the question:

Do I take this at face value? she has been ill. Normally, I would, I would totally understand etc. But its just given the context that its in. Should I look more into this? I am a bugger for over-analysis and rumination.

The problem is, its starting to get me a bit down. I don't know why. I really liked the girl, and she really liked me, before all this sh*t. I don't know how to take it. I have texted her back (hour and a half later) just saying, sorry to hear about your illness, but glad show went good. do u want to let me know by tomoro then.

Should I just leave it at that? Or should I give her a ring tomorrow afternoon if she hasn't let me know. Its just that in her text she did say that she did wanna go. And she is ill, im not doubting that. She actually been complaining about it all week.

I'm sorry if this is a long post, but thought it needed a bit of context before I asked the more immediate questions. If only I put this much effort into uni work!

Any more details, just ask. Thanks for your help

 

[Lord Sidious]

(...) but then i asked her to do something at night blahblah pressurising her to see me basically.

Mistakes 1 and 2:

1- "I asked";

2 - "pressuring her".

The first one is bad already, the second is even worse.

She didn't.

The more than expected result of my previous statment...

I spoke to her that sunday night, she told me it was overwhelming, that she had a lot on that weekend and she didn't even know me that well. She said she still wants to continue with it, but just needs a bit of space to breathe.

Guess it´s all in there, bro. Women run from wusses (I´m not saying you´re one, I´m saying you acted like one).

I apologised to her, and said I wasn't usually like that (I'm not), but it was just the situation, I obviously misjudged it. And that I would give her that space.

Two more mistakes:

3 - "I apologised to her"

4 - "...I would give her that space".


Don´t apologise to a woman. Make sure you show you were wrong. "It won´t happen again" is more than enough.

Regarding to giving her space, well, dude, if a chick tells you that you simply walk away and stop contacting her.

Ever since then, she talks to me, but its not the same at all. She initiates convo on facebook. But she doesnt really text anymore. Also, when she is talking to me on facebook, it isn't really the same either.

Like I said before, her actions are the result of the mistakes I enumerated.

I asked her on monday, and she said she will still be coming. But I hinted again later on in the week, and asked her whether she wanted me to drive or whether she wanted to.

2 more mistakes:

5 - "I asked on Monday";

6 - "I asked her whether she wanted me to drive or whether she wanted to."


How do you ask? Like: "Do you want to go with me to that gig?" If it´s like this, it´s wrong. Don´t ask!

Ex: "Hey, I´m going to that show on "x" day. You´re welcome if you want to." Or "We should have a drink this week. What's your schedule like?" It´s totally different!


Plus, you don´t ask if a woman wants you to do "x" or "y". What the fvck is that, dude? She´s just a woman, not a goddess.

I texted her today to ask whether she was coming. Pretty cool about it. hey, how are you, do you still want to come tomorrow. She texted back pretty rapidly saying that she has been ill today.

Again, the same mistake: "ask".

I am a bugger for over-analysis and rumination.

Mistake 8. Cut that sh!t, bro. Don´t over-analyse any woman. You´ll go crazy. Believe me!

The problem is, its starting to get me a bit down.

Mistake 9: - no woman deserves that. Going down because of a chick?!?!? Spare youself, my friend. That´s ridiculous. You´re a man! ACT LIKE A MAN!

I don't know why. I really liked the girl, and she really liked me, before all this sh*t. I don't know how to take it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Blablabla blablabla! Stop it! Stand yourself, man! Like I said don´t feel pity of that sh!t. Instead, try to act like a man.



Conclusion:

The more interest you show to a woman, the more she´ll run away from you. This chick has complete control on you.

Here are my two advices:

1 - Get away from her and start f****** others;

2 - Read the DJBible as soon as you can.

 

[Kailex]

She's telling you that she might go, because in reality, she probably isn't.
But if she has no other options, she'll probably tell you that she can go.

If I were you, I'd forget about calling her at all and just take someone else to this show.

If she does call and say she can go, tell her it's too late, that you took someone else instead because you didn't want the ticket to waste.

DON'T say whether it's with a woman or man, you're just taking SOMEONE.

If you hold out hope for her coming, you're going to end up either with tickets and not going or going by yourself. I'd rather take a long a friend at that point. It demonstrates higher value and that you're not going to just sit around waiting for her, because quite frankly, that's what she wants you to do.

To be honest, she's VERY low interest level at this point, so you shouldn't even bother with this one.

And to further drive a point home... sometimes the girls we are interested will have events in their life where they will be sad and depressed (life happens)... as a man, we'll sometimes want to be there for them but overcompensate for their sadness by smothering. Next time, you can be there for someone, but let them come to you.

Move on.
This one's a lost cause.

But don't be surprised if she does start calling you again once you've moved on or that as soon as you find someone to go with to the show, she'll want to go. And if you do tell her that you are going with someone else, don't be surprised if she plays the victim card.

 

[Ease]

This is why you need game. There is a certain etiquette you need to follow with girls to ensure things stay swimmingly. You need to be a player and keep her on her toes.

The usual problem we have as guys is showing too much interest and getting pusywhipped, but you actually 'pressured' her into seeing you. Slap yourself. Act like you dont want to see her and she will suddenly turn into the old girl again.

 

[bitteorca]

thanks guys, that is invaluable advice. So basically, show no interest now, until she does me. got it. I've told her she should let me know by tomorrow (on reflection, wtf does 'by tomorrow' even mean?! ha), and it probably is a bad idea ringing her to see whether she's still coming. the only benefit I see in doing that, is just to make sure. The whole worrying comes from not knowing where I stand. If she had told me 'things won't work out' then i'd move on, screw it. But I understand sometimes they don't do this, for some bizarre reason.

But, and I know i've stated this already, she has had the horse put down, and she is ill. Both are legit. Surely I can't be a complete d*uche about it?! I understand that I shouldn't get completely p*ssy whipped BECAUSE of it, but surely I could have hope that she comes round? Soon as I start manning up that is. And if she doesn't, then so be it. I want to be the person she first met, and yeah I can see it now, she's kind of got me where she wants.

man up - regain control...on myself more than anything

 

[Igetit!]

Dating a girl, seen her around 4-5 times. Slept with her twice. Everything going swimmingly. Mutual contact on both ends, not too much, not too little. Seemed really into me.

Her horse got put down on sat morning (she went from my house early), she texts me to say sorry she had to leave early and to tell me this. That day, I basically smoother her. I dont usually smoother girls, but I was just being caring, given the situation. I also did this to her on sunday. we we're supposed to do something, but she ended up going to the stables to clear stuff out (totally understandable), but then i asked her to do something at night blahblah pressurising her to see me basically. She didn't. I spoke to her that sunday night, she told me it was overwhelming, that she had a lot on that weekend and she didn't even know me that well.

Now this is interesting....

You two have hung out together 4 or 5 times,had sex twice with seemingly no problem at all.


She had sex with you twice without any issues,but when you asked her to "hang out" with you Sunday night,she told you she didn't know you that well?



"I'll get naked with you,that's cool,but as far as the two of us hanging out? I need to get to know you first."



Thanks man. I needed that laugh. :crackup:



Even though that's funny,I actually believe her.


When she said that she didn't know you that well,she meant this needy side of you she's seeing for the first time.


If she had seen that part of you in the beginning,she probably would have never gotten involved with you in the first place.

She said she still wants to continue with it, but just needs a bit of space to breathe. I apologised to her, and said I wasn't usually like that (I'm not), but it was just the situation, I obviously misjudged it. And that I would give her that space.

Well if she said that she still wants to continue seeing you,and means it,then this is salvageable.


You're basically on probation. You kind of damaged her trust.


She thought she knew you up until you started pressuring her.

Ever since then, she talks to me, but its not the same at all. She initiates convo on facebook. But she doesnt really text anymore. Also, when she is talking to me on facebook, it isn't really the same either.

Yeah,she's "different" because she sees you differently.

Instead of the cool,confident guy she got involved with in the beginning,she's now dealing with a needy,clingly afc version of that guy.

I got tickets for a gig for us to go to when everything was going ok. Because of all this, I have no idea whether she is coming or not. I asked her on monday, and she said she will still be coming. But I hinted again later on in the week, and asked her whether she wanted me to drive or whether she wanted to. She just said she was logging off and said goodbye. However, she was at work, and it was like 16:58. I decided, from speaking to people, that I should just leave it for a while, not mention it etc. I don't initiate convo with her on facebook, she does with me, but I do talk back obviously. I texted her today to ask whether she was coming. Pretty cool about it. hey, how are you, do you still want to come tomorrow.

Wow. You apologized for smothering her,told her you'd stop,then the next day asked her if she was going to hang with you again,hinted at it again later on in the week,and asked her if you should drive or her,which was bascially assume that she was going to attend.


Wow. I'm sure glad you backed off from smothering her.

She texted back pretty rapidly saying that she has been ill today. I do believe this, she posted a facebook status last night saying she is about to die. she said she'd had the day off work today aswell. but told me her show went really well. more importantly, she said 'i do wanna come, but i dunno how i'll be'. this is the question:

Do I take this at face value?

When she said that she doesn't know how she'll be,to me,she gave herself an "out". In other words,if you're still being needy and clingy when the time for the concert rolls around,then she can tell you that she's still feeling ill in order to not have to see you again.

I have texted her back (hour and a half later) just saying, sorry to hear about your illness, but glad show went good. do u want to let me know by tomoro then.

Come on man.

You couldn't just tell her to get better and that you'll talk to her later?

You just HAD TO throw in somemore neediness in there with that "do you want to let me know by tomorrow?" comment.


Chill out dude.

Should I just leave it at that? Or should I give her a ring tomorrow afternoon if she hasn't let me know.

Are you serious? you're actually considering calling her again?

Dude,FORGET HER.


Take someone else. Look,if she wants to go,SHE'LL GO.


She said that she needs room to breathe. Ok,so give it to her.


Go the next week without contacting her AT ALL. After the first three or four days,she'll start to notice that she has NO ONE to need space from.



Forget about taking her to the concert. I'd go a week without contacting her and then maybe call her up and tell her how the concert was.



You making things worse at the moment.


You apologized for being clingy,then the next day,you unknowingly went RIGHT BACK to being clingy again.



If she meant what she said about still wanting to see you,but just needs a little room to breath,then that means she's giving you another chance,but for some reason,you seem BENT on destroying that second chance.

 

[bitteorca]

Igetit! That really is great advice. This was what was doing my head in...the fact that she does show interest, but at the same time doesn't. But your post makes complete sense of it all. She basically interested, but I'm on thin ice.

As far as the sex goes, everything was going swimmingly then. there was no signs of neediness, clingyness, pvssyness etc. I initiated it. She refused first time. Night after, bang. Week after, bang. Its just the **** with her horse. I just took it too far. she actually rang me in the afternoon when it happened. but then i just took it too far.

She is talking to me right now on facebook. She initiated again, and I am being pretty aloof with her. She even said 'you're a bit quiet mister', i just said, 'am i?!' (i think i'm doing well where that is concerned...probably the only place though!). She said she's thinking of going to the doctors tomorrow. And I have seen her post on her friends profile (her friend added me so I can see the post), that she feels really really bad. I'm just making the point that she is actually ill. but i am still on probation. i dont think its a get out clause. but that doesn't detract from the fact that i still need to change how i interact with her.

Just to say, this forum is awesome. Its really good. I used to post on a relationship advice forum when I split up with my ex (was a long 3.5 year one, my fault probably, blah blah blah), but I stuck with it. This is completely different, get much better advice. I probably need a lot more training so to speak, but I can tell I need it.

I'll see whether I can regain this one. And you know what, if I don't, screw it. I'm pretty good looking, not to blow my own horn (although you guys will probably say blow my own horn!), i'm clever, im postgraduate, I have friends, and im funny. all of which she undoubtedly saw in me in the first place. to ruin it by being needy would be disgraceful

 

[bitteorca]

oh sorry, i forgot to mention

Re: the 'not knowing me well enough'...she didn't actually say that. she meant that the smoothering when that happened to her horse. She doesn't know me that well, I'm very new in her life. for me to show that amount of attention and caring behaviour was too much. as in, she would expect such behaviour from a good friend, a long-term BF, her mum, etc. does that make sense? I actually agree with her. I didn't want to be smoothered either, even by people I know well, when something like this (far worse) happened to me. Never mind by someone I don't know.

 

[bitteorca]

sorry to post AGAIN on my own thread, but just wanted to update. Its only small but its a sign, a sign that even though i've been on this forum for like one night, a matter of hours, from some good posts I've had a small success.

It is only small, but like I say, just to let you guys know that you're right

She's been off with me on facebook recently, only giving me one/two kisses n sh*t. instead of saying something nice she would just say 'night xx'. I've been off with her tonight, partly because of this forum, and partly because to be honest i just feel a bit more confident about the whole situation, they might actually be linked. But anyway, I've been off with her, not replying in a timely fashion, making her do some leg work. She says something, I ignore her, then she says a bit after 'im off xx'. I enquire about what she said (aloofly!), and then say 'oh ok, night x', she then starts to talk on again. Eventually she say's she going to bed. i say 'okk' she says 'nighty night xxxxx' (more intune with how it was) and i just say 'nigghht xx', she then gives me another kiss 'x', waits around for a bit, (i resist) and then goes offline. WIN (minor win, but still, start of more WIN).

Thanks guys and sorry to post another post on my own thread. EPIC LOSE

 

[Kailex]

It is only small, but like I say, just to let you guys know that you're right

She's been off with me on facebook recently, only giving me one/two kisses n sh*t. instead of saying something nice she would just say 'night xx'. I've been off with her tonight, partly because of this forum, and partly because to be honest i just feel a bit more confident about the whole situation, they might actually be linked. But anyway, I've been off with her, not replying in a timely fashion, making her do some leg work. She says something, I ignore her, then she says a bit after 'im off xx'. I enquire about what she said (aloofly!), and then say 'oh ok, night x', she then starts to talk on again. Eventually she say's she going to bed. i say 'okk' she says 'nighty night xxxxx' (more intune with how it was) and i just say 'nigghht xx', she then gives me another kiss 'x', waits around for a bit, (i resist) and then goes offline. WIN (minor win, but still, start of more WIN).

Thanks guys and sorry to post another post on my own thread. EPIC LOSE

I hate to say it, but everything that happened on Facebook, means absolutely nothing.

Stay off of electronic means of talking with her.
If she wants to contact you, let her call, but by giving her the options of text/IM/Facebook, you are only hurting yourself. You're being way too available for her.

Like Igetit! said NO CONTACT AT ALL.

That means DON'T CALL.
That means NO FACEBOOK.
That means NO TEXTING.
That means no IMing.
That means NO CONTACT.

Know what that also means?

Find more women to go out with.
You're too preoccupied with this ONE girl, which means you have TOO much time on your hands.

Time to get busy.
She should be knocked down from whatever pedestal you have her on.

You made the mistake... you broke it, but all you are doing is making the crack a little bigger and a little wider.